FOREWORD

This play, while being completely standalone from Hamlet, is entirely unique in that while being a modern english interpretation it is by no means a substitute for Hamlet, as it is to an extent a parody, with different characters in a different time in a different place with bad puns and references scattered throught. (Hence it's being comedic)

THAMLE

A Brief Tragic-Historic-Parodic-Comedic-Pastoral Play

{Scene 1}

Enter Henry and Guillaume, two guardsmen.

HENRY Who's there?

GUILLAUME Who is he who is asking?

HENRY A guardsman of the warehouse, beware foul knave! Brandishes saber

GUILLAUME Tis I!

HENRY Guillaume?

GUILLAUME Indeed! The watch is mine, compatriot, and I would suggest you rest your weary thoughts.

HENRY Many thanks, it's too cold for my blood, and I feel tired to my being.

GUILLAUME Had you a quiet night?

HENRY I encountered a knave this night, but he fled upon your approach.

GUILLAUME Hit you the drink again? No matter. Should you encounter Matt or Gabriel on your journey, bid them be quick.

Enter Matt and Gabriel.

HENRY Wait! I hear the return of the knave! Unfurl yourself unto us, for we are now two!

GABRIEL Curse your addled brain Henry! Tis Matt and Gabriel, and we make no appearance to hide the fact.

MATT Your fellow guards, in the case your flask be empty.

GUILLAUME Good night, good gentlemen.

HENRY Guillaume has my place. I bid you a successful watch, and mark! There's a thief about!

Henry exits.

GUILLAUME Say, is Gabriel present in full?

MATT In part. His brain is slightly addled a'well, but more due to the thought of the night than that of the flask.

GABRIEL Have you anything to show for your watch of yet?

GUILLAUME As of yet, alack. The stars are not yet aligned, but shall be soon.

MATT Gabriel says we ourselves were chained to the liquor the night the event unfolded in our midst.

GUILLAUME Poppycock! How would a guard garner the capital to afford such a thing, and why imbibe on? Such a thing only ends badly.

GABRIEL As it may yet, should you be disproven.

GUILLAUME Set down, stay awhile, and humor us in our attempt to turn you.

GABRIEL All is as it will be, and I trust you understand the matter at hand Frenchman.

GUILLAUME This is an armed guard, and I warrant you bide your tongue until aprés the fact.

GABRIEL Very well, let us see what shall become of this.

GUILLAUME Not just last night, but the night before were we assailed by a vision of the late employer the king Thamle.

GABRIEL Ha! It shan't appear.

MATT But look! There! It rises!

Atop a rock to the left a spirit appears.

GABRIEL My, look, it does make its presence known. Speak! Will you not speak? What art thou? It looks very familiar indeed it looks.

MATT See? Very much like the employer does it look.

GUILLAUME It must know something of our fate! Long have spirits looked down upon our world, and I would abide that they know an ounce or two of foreshadow as to the destiny of the realm.

MATT Long have I been a guard of this realm, and t'see something of this bodes my organs not well.

GUILLAUME But why does it stand? Why would not it speak? Are we so insignificant as for it to pass over in its entirety?

GABRIEL. The light of the lamp lingers. I can see aright. Must be that it needs a show of power. Matt, make your arm known.

Gunshot

MATT But alack! It flees! We proceed foolishly, offering the air naught but a blow.

GABRIEL Pursue it! It could be a fountain of fortune should we contain it!

Rooster crows

GABRIEL Tis gone. It is much like the late Thamle, but notice how it fled upon hearing the crow. They say those doomed to stalk the earth must return to whence they appeared from hence the cock crows.

MATT How now, Gabriel? How does your addled brain fare with what has transpired?

GABRIEL It seems you were correct in your conclusion, that like a magician it has come and gone again.

GUILLAUME Do you not think it to be real? Magicians may appear at will, but never have I seen one transparent as a jelly from the coast.

GABRIEL Very much do I believe it to be real. I speak of the purpose of the ghost. It may not concern us, and therefore it will not speak to us. We should inform his kin of what has transpired, and hope they do not condemn us to asylum.

GUILLAUME Indeed, but now whom among us can inform me of why it appears at such an inopportune era? We have much to worry on.

GABRIEL That can I. Word flows through the cracks that the hostile barbarians surrounding us are preparing even now for assaults on our good people, no doubt with intent to scalp. Tis why the constant convoys arrive daily from the east, laden with arms and ordnance from abroad. Tis why the men train all days of the week, even when holy duties call. Much is afoot in the surroundings of Ohio that we are not privy to. Some of our trading partners in the East have stopped buying goods for fear of never receiving. Meanwhile, while we be tolerant of the French to the West and the South, they seek to reclaim their lost land that Thamle drove them from. The old French governor, Louis in likeness of the king did he lose it over fair contract. Now, both Louis and Thamle being prematurely dead, the contract comes due to Louis' next of kin, yet so integrated into the company it is it cannot be given, for it is the very land upon which the company is built. The dealers knowing this now play for a loss while the neighbors are envious, and there is fear of those who would work against us from within.

GUILLAUME All is not well in the Ohio River Trading Company.

GABRIEL Indeed. We should go tell young Thamle, and perhaps the spirit will speak to him if it not speak to us. Luckily, I know exactly where to find him.

Exit

{Scene 2}

Enter Merchant Edward, Elizabeth, Thamle, David, and James, Jonathan and Charlie.

EDWARD While we may be sorrowful over Thamle's death, we are not here to mourn him. Nay, Tis a time of celebration when one marries so fine a woman as Elizabeth! Now, on to business. We bear with us a letter from Louis, heir to the contract, demanding that we return the land, or he will attempt to expel us by force in order to restore the land to his own ownership. Now, Louis is not contractor of the land, his old impotent uncle, Claude is. We contain with us another letter written skillfully by ourself addressed to Claude informing him that his nephew has raised an army from his pool of guards that should be elsewhere protecting his people from the savages. Now, when he reads our letter I suspect he will not be pleased with his nephew's actions, and that he will be most wrathful.

Applause

Now, David, James, I beg you be our emissaries to our rival and bid you be quick.

DAVID&JAMES We will, Edward.

EDWARD Now, on to other matters. How bide you,Jonathan?

JONATHAN Very well, my lord. I would, however, ask your permission that my son, Charlie, be allowed free passage back to Pennsylvania.

EDWARD Leaving so soon, Charlie? What could cause such an uproar to our state.

CHARLIE I wish to return to school in Pittsburgh, where I can continue my studies. If you remember, I returned to bear witness to Thamle's procession, but that duty being done, I yearn to turn my mind to studies.

EDWARD Go with my blessing young Charlie, and forget not to tell your sister goodbye.

CHARLIE Many thanks. In time, I hope to return to the company with a profession.

EDWARD I look forward to it, but take your time and enjoy the process. And now, my cousin and son Thamle,

THAMLE aside A little more kin than kind.

EDWARD Why do you still grieve for your father? Has he not received enough sorrow from others? He would not approve of this, and this you know.

THAMLE I wear my grief like a cloak, easily cast off when I would wish.

ELIZABETH Well then, cast it off! Look at the friends that surround you, life will return to normal, and you know that all must die eventually.

THAMLE Indeed mother.

ELIZABETH So why does this one linger with you?

THAMLE He was my father. My grief is much more than that which is embroidered on mine cloak. If thou wish of me to be with mine own friends, I will hasten to Pittsburg, and join Charlie in his studies.

EDWARD While you may wish to return, we think it best that you remain here, and learn from experience rather than books.

ELIZABETH Yes Thamle, we plead you stay in the watchful eye of our company.

THAMLE Very well, madam.

EDWARD This grief is a reflection upon your soul, and while commendable in nature, is wholly unmanly grief. Come Elizabeth, my heart sings with joy of this newfound news.

Exit all but Thamle

THAMLE Oh, but my grief burns with such heat that my flesh would melt and leave me in but a puddle. If only the almighty had not fixed hisself against self slaughter it would. O God! Why must he conspire against his creation? I have sinned and sinned again, yet my rage still overboils. How fast was my mother to rush to incestuous sheets! Yet here we are, with my father not yet two months dead, and how he loved her so. Had the heavens permitted he would have climbed to the moon and back to shower her with the glorious ether of the heavens. But let me not think on happy times. Oh! Frailty, thy name be woman! And yet, marry she did my uncle, who is less alike to my father than I to Hercules! It will not come to good, and yet I must hold my tongue at observance of daily sin.

Enter Guillaume, Matt, and Gabriel

GABRIEL Greetings, my lord!

THAMLE Oh please, I am no lord and yet you would greet me as one. Even so, I am heartened by your arrival, and yours' as well Matt, Guillaume. Tell me, what would bring you hither?

GABRIEL I did come forth from school for the procession of the late Thamle.

THAMLE Do not try to lie to me. I think you came hence for my mother's ceremony.

GABRIEL They were at each others' heels indeed.

THAMLE I am afraid I also bear Ill news. I have been forbade to return with you to Pittsburg, and here shall be contained.

GABRIEL While the news saddens me I did not come here to discuss school but rather your father.

THAMLE Indeed. I think oft of him, and sometimes think I see him in my minds eye.

GABRIEL I come with the belief that I too have seen him since his passing.

THAMLE My father? Do not jest, Gabriel.

GUILLAUME Tis true! Thrice in the past week have we observed his arrival, he has made his presence known at night before the gates of the granaries.

THAMLE Did any of you think to speak to it?

GABRIEL Aye, but no answer did it make.

THAMLE In what likeness did it dress?

GABRIEL Dressed the same as he looked before the march on the village.

THAMLE So you could see his face?

GABRIEL I could.

THAMLE How did he seem? Angry, sad, afraid? Was he red or pale?

GABRIEL It was of a red tint, yet it seemed more in sadness than in anger.

THAMLE Dressed for battle, red, but with an aura of sadness. This does not bode well. When did you see him? Where?

GABRIEL Afront the warehouses when the new star came round the sky into the constellation.

THAMLE I will meet you there between eleven and twelve, and hopefully it shall speak.

MATT I wager it would.

Exit all but Thamle

This does not bode well, and I would expect some foul play be afoot. Should he prove himself my father I will listen, but should it be a messenger from hell itself I will not appease it.

Exit

{Scene 3}

A room in Jonathan's house

Enter Charlie and Eva

CHARLIE I have packed my necessities and am ready to embark! Do promise you will write, Eve.

EVA Do you think I wouldn't?

CHARLIE Promise me you will view Thamle with a weary eye and to watch yourself. Love like his is never lasting, Eve. I would hate to see you be hurt.

EVA I will take your advice to heart. But good brother, do not attempt to overtake my joy in your own weariness. Now farewell, and I wish you all the best in your business afar!

CHARLIE We do tarry, and here approaches our father.

Enter Jonathan

JONATHAN Do come along now Charlie! The caravans will leave without you, this you know. Now go! My blessing is with thee.

CHARLIE Most humbly do I take my escape, father, and thank you. Farewell Eve, and remember what I told you.

EVE Worry not about me, dear brother, and close shall I keep your counsel.

Exit Charlie

JONATHAN What is it he hath said to you, Eve?

EVE It was concerning Thamle, father.

JONATHAN Indeed! He has admitted to me that he has spent much of his private time with you, time which you as my daughter have been far too willing to reciprocate in kind. What is between you? Do not lie to me, girl.

EVE He has made his affection known to me quite often lately.

JONATHAN Affection! Hah! What do you know of affection that I possibly could not? Do you believe he truly favors you?

EVE I know not what to think on this.

JONATHAN If you knew what you should it would be ingrained that these gestures of affection are not faultless, and you should watch yourself more carefully. You would render me a fool!

EVE He has been nothing other than a gentleman to me father!

JONATHAN Ha. From now on, as is your duty to me, you will return all his letters and "gestures" of affection, and shall allow yourself no time with him. I do not wish to see you hurt, Eve. Look to it now, we shall change your ways together.

EVE I shall obey, mon pére.

{Scene 4}

Out front of the warehouses

Enter Thamle, Gabriel, Guillaume, and Matt

GABRIEL The air bites voraciously, Tis so cold as to be scalding.

THAMLE Indeed. The very air itself is perturbed. What is the hour now?

GUILLAUME Tis now twelve.

Sounds of celebration have begun

What means this?

THAMLE Mine uncle begins his celebration. He drinks and makes merry so as to enunciate his recent accomplishments.

MATT Is it a custom?

THAMLE That it is, but not of mine. These frontiersmen, so they themselves call, drink into a stupor and so leave themselves unguarded against the frontier, and slander against the true frontiers reputation.

GABRIEL Look! There it comes!

Enter Ghost

THAMLE Oh, heavens above I preclude thee! Be you a foul apparition or that which was once my father, I'll speak to you. Speak! Speak I charge you! Say, what does it now?

GUILLAUME It does beckon you!

GABRIEL It seems impatient, but do hasten to caution! Do not go with it!

THAMLE It does not speak, so I shall follow it.

MATT Please, do not!

THAMLE Why not? I do not give up my life easily, you know.

GABRIEL But what if it leads you off yonder bridge? Would thou follow?

THAMLE Look! It beckons!

GUILLAUME I cannot let you go.

GABRIEL You shall not go!

THAMLE But my fate cries out to me! I must go! Do not follow me!

Exit Thamle and Ghost

GUILLAUME We should follow. This is one thing in which we cannot obey him.

{Scene 5}

Behind the Warehouse

Enter Ghost and Thamle

THAMLE Speak! Please, I beseech you! I shall not travel farther!

GHOST Will you listen?

THAMLE Yes.

GHOST It is almost time again to retreat back into the flames in which I reside during the day, so listen well.

THAMLE Poor spirit!

GHOST Pity me not, just listen.

THAMLE I am bound by my consciousness to listen.

GHOST As you will be to avenge once you have heard.

THAMLE Sorry, what?

GHOST I am truly thy father's spirit, doom'd to watch fates unfold till the sins committed in the daytime are burned away. I could tell you things of my prison that would make your eyes pop out, but am forbade to do so. If ever you did love me-

THAMLE O God!

GHOST Avenge his most foul and most unnatural murder.

THAMLE His?

GHOST Aye, his lying incestuous self that has seduced thy mother and rendered you a fool, Thamle.

THAMLE My own uncle?

GHOST The same. Whilst I was sleeping in he crept with care, and bit me with the venom of a snake, so poisonous in nature that once in my ear it could not be stopped. And thus was I killed most unnaturally, with my sins on display before the Sunday. Adieu! Adieu! Bonsoir, mon royal, and remember me.

Exit

THAMLE Oh fie! I knew t'was something foul in temperament. But why spoke he in French, language of that our rival? He did not mean insult of me, of that I can be certain. I must record of his words so as not to create forgeries.

Writing

Enter Guillaume and Matt

GUILLAUME Thamle!

MATT Thamle! Quick Guillaume, as thou art closer, secure him!

THAMLE There is no need. I present myself fully, and have quite the tale to tell.

GUILLAUME Tell it upon us!

THAMLE I cannot, as you would reveal.

GUILLAUME We would hasten not to!

THAMLE There lies an errant knave, erroneous in his actions, whom lies in hiding.

MATT There need no ghost be seen to remind us of this.

THAMLE Quite right, which is why I would suggest we shake hands and part ways wearily.

GABRIEL This is quite sudden, and what you have said spins by as if on wings.

THAMLE I'm sorry if my lack of sound offends.

GABRIEL There is no offense.

THAMLE Yes, there is. Now, promise me one thing.

GABRIEL What?

THAMLE Not to project what it is you have seen here.

GUILLAUME We will not.

THAMLE Swear it, just to humor.

MATT Indeed, I swear 't!

GUILLAUME I swear on it a'well!

THAMLE Swear it upon my rapier!

GABRIEL We have sworn ourselves already.

THAMLE Swear it upon my sword if thou hast ever loved me!

Ghost SWEAR.

THAMLE A Ha! And so the presence is clarified to you; I beseech you again, swear!

Ghost SWEAR.

GABRIEL Propose an oath that we might swear on't!

Ghost SWEAR.

THAMLE Indeed, you will never speak of what has been seen here or of involvement thereupon.

Ghost SWEAR.

THAMLE Quickly now, on my sword.

Ghost SWEAR.

THAMLE Well said, old man! You can do wonders for a man's morale from within the crust. Let us now go, friends.

GABRIEL This will be a night to remember, strange indeed.

THAMLE A night to remember but not to be spoken of upon which to be spoken of you shall remember the ground and he shall in all certainty remember of, of that I can assure. Besides, as you being no stranger yourself to strange should see it welcomed. There is more truth in religon that you could have imagined. But onwards, from hence forth I shall act queerly, and would demand of you not to discuss it with the royals, no nods or secret winks, nay, nothing will symbolize your knowledge of this event. Swear it upon my rapier.

Ghost SWEAR.

THAMLE Give it a break! Save your strength for the fires, spirit.

They swear

THAMLE Come, let us go forth.

Exit