The Dinner Party Convergence Prologue J. Franklin

THE DINNER PARTY CONVERGENCE

PROLOGUE

(SCENE: The university cafeteria. HOWARD, LEONARD, and SHELDON are seated at their usual table. RAJ slowly saunters up, drops his platter loudly on the table, sits and sighs. He is sporting a prominent shiner on his left eye.)

LEONARD: What the hell happened to you?

RAJ: I don't want to talk about it.

HOWARD: (Pauses) Okay. (Turns back to LEONARD and SHELDON) So, anyway –

RAJ: (Interrupts) I got punched –

SHELDON: Really? We had no idea!

LEONARD: How'd it happen?

RAJ: A miscommunication.

SHELDON: Don't you mean a misunderstanding? A miscommunication is typically used when referring to correspondence rather than conversation –

RAJ: That's why I used it.

HOWARD: What do you mean?

RAJ: (Sighs) You know how I've been trying to communicate with women through e-mails and text messages since I can't talk to them? Well, look what happens now when I try THAT! (Hands smart phone to LEONARD. LEONARD looks down at phone.) I was texting this girl in my lab, and I wanted to see if she would be up for going downtown with me –

LEONARD: (Reading phone) "Would you be up for going down on me?"

RAJ: (Shakes his head) Damn autocorrect.

HOWARD: So, I'm guessing her answer was no?

LEONARD: Didn't you explain it was just a mistake?

RAJ: How? I would need to be able to talk to do that!

SHELDON: So, is that why you missed the department meeting this morning?

RAJ: No, I missed that because I had another meeting.

HOWARD: Another meeting?

RAJ: Yes. On the plus side, I'm on a first name basis with several new women now; but the bad part is they all work in human resources. Trouble is, I can't talk to them, either! I'm on my way to being brownlisted here!

HOWARD: Don't you mean blacklisted?

RAJ: Sure. If you're racist about it.

LEONARD: Well, hold on. I mean, you've made some pretty good progress. You can talk to Penny, Bernadette, and Amy now. Maybe you just need to build on that confidence!

RAJ: How? Whenever I try to talk to a women, my mouth just stops working! (Pauses. Takes smart phone back from LEONARD.) And after this, I think my fingers are going to stop working, too.

HOWARD: Hmm. That's not going to help.

RAJ: (Glares at him) Thanks, man. Glad to know you've got my back with your jokes.

LEONARD: He's just trying to help –

RAJ: I don't need help! I need a solution! I can't go through my entire life being unable to talk to women! They're fifty percent of the population and one hundred percent of the subject group I want to sleep with!

LEONARD: Maybe your problem is referring to them as a "subject group."

SHELDON: No, I think he's using the term correctly. He obviously wants to study them and their behavior, but he's having difficulty modifying his own behavior in a way that doesn't interfere with the scientific observation, thus nullifying his chances at arriving at a sound hypothesis –

RAJ: Oh, put a sock in it, man.

LEONARD: Hey, hey. Take it easy.

RAJ: (Angry) I'm tired of taking it easy! I'm sick of this! I need to make a change somehow!

HOWARD: (Pauses) This doesn't involve surgery, does it?

RAJ: No, not that kind of change. I mean, I need to change my image. You know, like Elliott did on "Scrubs" when she vamped herself up?

HOWARD: So, your plan to make a change as a man involves following in the footsteps of a fictitious character on a canceled sitcom who is FEMALE?

RAJ: (Shrugs) I have to start somewhere, man. (Stands up) I'm going to go clothes shopping and get some new threads. (Leaves)

LEONARD: We need to do something to help him.

SHELDON: I disagree. In times like these, I often find it's best to leave well enough alone and let people sort out their own problems.

HOWARD: Maybe his problem is he needs to hear from women about how to talk to them.

LEONARD: Hmm. You might be right.

SHELDON: That's actually an excellent suggestion, Howard.

HOWARD: Thanks, Sheldon. It's nice to actually be getting a compliment from you.

SHELDON: Yes. And it's all the more impressive given your limited educational background –

HOWARD: (Smiles tightly) Couldn't leave it alone at the compliment, could you?

LEONARD: Well, wait a sec. We're all getting together at Amy's tonight for dinner, right? Maybe the girls could talk with him about some ways to build his confidence.

SHELDON: (Thinks) I don't know if that's such a good idea.

LEONARD: Why not?

SHELDON: This is Amy's first dinner party for us as a couple. I think it might be a bit much to add further anxiety to what's already been a very stressful situation for her. (Picks at food.) Oh, and by way of extension for me.

HOWARD: Stressful?

SHELDON: (Frowns at him) Of course. (Begins counting on fingers.) Amy is female, so there's the calorie count that has to be considered regarding any potential food item. Then there's the timing issue for spacing out the courses, there's the actual menu itself with the ethnically appropriate food selections given that one guest is Jewish and the other is Hindu, the size and number of the appetizers, the pairing of the beverages, the seating arrangements that need to be made according to current relationships and height of the guests –

LEONARD: What? Sheldon, it's just the SIX OF US!

SHELDON: Exactly. We came up with almost thirty different criteria that needed to be addressed. When you multiply that by the number of guests, you get over 180 various and often conflicting demands. Trying to arrange them in a way that achieves maximum satisfaction while minimizing the potential for social conflict or embarrassment took almost three whiteboards.

HOWARD: (Deadpans) Is it too late to have a schedule conflict?

SHELDON: Yes.

LEONARD: Well, I'm sure it will all be fine!

SHELDON: I know. Our minds reviewed all the possibilities and statistical likelihoods. We left absolutely nothing to chance.

(Cut to: AMY'S apartment. She is standing in front of three enormous whiteboards with various diagrams and criss-crossing arrows. BERNADETTE and PENNY are standing with her.)

AMY: (Staring hopelessly at whiteboards and sighing) This is going to be a disaster.

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