Summary: Have you ever wondered what Tigerclaw thinks? Did you ever wonder how Redtail really died? And why does Firepaw have a strange new nickname? Enter a world where Sandpaw is Jesus, Bette Milder makes random appearances, and Tigerclaw goes goth.


WARNING: This fic is incredibly random and stupid. I only put it up because I'm having major writer's block and it gives me something to do.

So here we go, into the mind of everyone's favorite murderer; Tigerclaw!


INSIDE THE MIND OF TIGERCLAW

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So today I had a pretty good day.

-

A bunch of otter warriors tried to take Sunningrocks. Again.

OtterClan.

It's funny how everything seems to happen to ThunderClan.

We always win.

We never die.

Except this time.

-

Maybe it's because I'm better than StarClan.

-

I AM YOUR GOD.

-

Bluestar is super PMS.

-

"Tigerclaw!"

"What?"

"You're thinking out loud again.."

"…crap."

-

"Tigerclaw, we must give up! RiverClan has too many warriors!"

"No, Redtail, Oakheart called me fat! ThunderClan will never be defeated!" (angst look)

"Tigerclaw, ThunderClan will honor your courage, but this is a fight we'd not win." (kills Oakheart)

-

"Tigerclaw, you need to lose some weight. Oakheart was right."

"STFUUU!" (kills)

"OMG REDTAIL GOT PWNED."

"…go away, Ravenpaw."

"….." (runs away)

-

That's how it really happened.

-

I'm feeling really depressed today.

I think I'll go emo.

-

"Tigerclaw, how did this happen? And why did you dye your fur black?"

"HE CALLED ME FAT!" (slits wrists)

"Whatever. (mumbles) Fat emo loser."

"STFU! (angst angst angst)

"Also, there is a new apprentice. Since his crappy American-made collar broke, it is a sign. He'll be called Firepaw, because yadda yadda yadda, we all know what's going to happen."

-

The other night, I had this weird dream.

Me and Goldenflower were.

Never mind.

-

So today I had to train Firepaw.

Oh my Tigerclaw, is he annoying.

First, he dubbed me, "Tiggy."

So I called him, "Great Balls of Fire".

I have a feeling that's a knock-off of some Twoleg 1980's song.

-

Oh my me.

I am fat.

(angst angst angst).

-

Great Balls of Fire, you are the wind beneath my wings!

"Tigerclaw."

"What?"

"You're talking out loud again."

"….crap."

-

Bette Midler, eat your heart out.