Red Team
Sarge
Simmons
Grif
Donut
Lopez
Blue Team
Church
Tucker
Caboose
Sister
Tex
Doc(neutral)
I do not own the Red Team, or the Blue Team, or many of the other characters unfortunate enough to end up in one of my stories.
At Red Base…
All of the Blood Gulch Red Team was crammed into Red Base's basement for their tri-weekly staff meeting. Seated around a big table, Sarge banged the butt of his shotgun on the surface to attract everyone's attention.
Sarge: Alright you lollygaggers the staff meeting's starting. Simmons, do roll call.
Grif: We're all here.
*thwack*
Grif: AH! DAMNIT SARGE! THE HELL?!
Sarge: Simmons' is taking roll call! No flap jackin'!
Simmons: Yeah, Grif. No…flap jacking?
Donut: Oooh, are we making pancakes?
Grif: But we're all here! There are five of us Red soldiers in this stupid canyon. This is Red Base. There are five soldiers in this room so EVERYBODIES HERE! We were here yesterday and the day before that and unfortunately we'll be here tomorrow. And it's not like any of us ever leave Red Base anyway. 'CAUSE there's no way out of this fuckin' canyon and the only other thing is the stupid fucking Blue Base filled with stupid fucking blue guys.
Simmons: You're sister's on Blue Team.
Grif: Sorry. Stupid fucking Blue people!
*thwack*
Grif: AGHHH! DAMNIT!
Sarge: Please continue, Simmons.
Simmons: Thank you, sir. Okay…let's do this…alphapetically this time around.
Donut: Whooo! Trying new things! Awesome.
Grif: Hey how come Donut get's to talk during-
*thwack*
Grif: OW!
Sarge: Simmons! Please continue.
Simmons: Okay um….Dexter Grif?
Grif: I'm here-
*thwack*
Grif: OW, FUCK!
Sarge: Woops. Slipped.
Simmons: Private First Class Dick Simmons. That's me. Private Franklin Delano Donut?
Donut: Here, and looking faaaantastic I might add.
Sarge: Duly noted, Donut. Now shut up!
Simmons: Lopez, you here?
Lopez: Hola, muchacho.
Simmons: Oookay. And um….Sarge. Hey Sarge? Why don't you have, like, a first name? Or a last name? Shouldn't you be Sergeant Something or other?
Sarge: Well Simmons, that's classified information of the highest …classification. If I told you then I'd have to immediately kill you to prevent my identity from possibly spreading to the Blue army for the enemy to use against me.(mutters) Those bastards….
Donut: C'mon Sarge tell us, pleeeeease?!
Sarge: Dammit Donut, I just told Simmons! If I tell anyone my name I will immediately be forced to put a bullet in their head and….Say Grif, how'd you like to learn some classified information?
Grif: Yeah…no thanks. Can we please just wrap this waste of time so I can go back to, ya know, wasting time?
Sarge: As much as I hate to admit it, Grif is right! We have to get to strategizin'. No doubt those yellow-bellied Blue bastards are hatching some ingenuis and nefarious scheme to take our base and kill us all, obtaining victory and forever disgracing the glorious Red Army!
Hell, they could be executing it right now!
Meanwhile at Blue Base…
Sister: Hey! Ummm…Captain Cathedral? Shouldn't we be, like, strategizing and stuff? For, you know, the whole war thing we've got going on?
Church: Okay, first off…It's Church. Not Cathedral, That's the stupidest name I've ever hear and this is like, the valley of fucking stupid names. Secondly…. If you haven't noticed by now…we're not really running an elite team of crack operatives down here. Last time I tried to hold a strategy meeting Caboose got lost on the way to the basement and somehow wound up in the Red Base, Doc wouldn't shut up about how he wasn't technically part of Blue team but he wouldn't get out of our base either, and Tucker just snuck off to hang out under his rock.
Sister: Yeah…what does he do down there anyway?
Church: I honestly never, ever want to find out.
Sister: Sounds like fun. But what if the Red guys attack or something?
Church: Well, judging from all our past experiences if the Red's did decide to attack first they would assemble all around our base and then they would get in a fight over what to do next.
Sister: okay…Cool.
Church: While they're fighting, we would probably try to make a plan to fight them off. But Tucker would be too much of a lazy coward and Caboose would get really confused. Then we'd use Shiela….
Sister: Oh that's so hot! How come nobody on this team ever uses me? I like being used!
Church: What? No. What? Sister Shiela is the tank, remember?
Sister: Oh right. Woops.
Church: *sigh* Anyway the Red's would retreat and then the something would go wrong with the tank and it would probably start shooting us. Then something stupid would happen to us and the Reds would see but make the absolute wrong conclusion and then they would do something stupid and then we'd spend the next couple days doing stupid shit and not accomplishing anything.
Sister: Yeah, that does sound like Blue Team doesn't it. We're so awesome.
Church: *sigh* yeah sure. I'm just going to go sit alone somewhere and try to pretend I'm…anywhere else. Okay. Just make sure nobody blows up the base. Can you do
that for me?
Sister: You got it man!
(Church trudges away, shaking his head)
Sister: Hmm…I didn't know you could blow the base. I fucking love this army!!
Outside the Blue Base…
Caboose: Hell-o Sheila. I decided to come outside because you looked lonely! Just sitting out here, looking at the sky, through big missile shooting nose.
Shiela: Thank you, Caboose. I appreciate your sentiment but-
Caboose: I don't have any cement, Shiela. I am sorry.
Shiela: But I am not alone. Private Tucker is inside me trying to use my main computer to look at porn. It will not work.
Tucker: Shut-up! You don't know that!
(Caboose turns back to the Base)
Caboose: CHURCH!!!
(Church appears at the top of the base and looks down)
Church: Oh for pete's sake….WHAT CABOOSE?!! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT RIGHT NOW?!
Caboose: Church….I do not want to scare you but Shiela. Ate. TUCKER! He is inside her!
Tucker: Bow Chicka Bow Wow.
Church: Great. Fantastic. I'll ask command to give Shiela a freaking medal! I'm going down the basement.
Caboose(whispers): I don't think Church likes you Tucker.
Tucker: Yeah, big surprise there, Caboose.
In space, many, many miles above the surface of…whatever planet Blood Gulch is on.
A very small stealth ship hung in orbit over the planet. Crowded into the too small ship were three figures, all in standard regulation armor. Strangely enough two were in Blue and one was in Red.
They collaborated sinisterly….
Blue 1: Are we there yet?
Red: Shut-up.
Blue 1: Seriously…I think there's a grenade up my ass.
Red: Don't talk to me.
Blue 2: We all have grenades up our asses Brother Spoon. Discomfort is the price of true freedom. But we walk the path of the revolutionary! But let me ask you, who among us would rather shove TEN grenades up his ass then wear the itchy shackles of tyranny a moment longer. It's a long hard road to true liberty, and sometimes it must be marched with rifles holstered in…uncomfortable places however-
Red: Shut-up.
Blue 1(Spoon): What's he taking about?! No body said anything…about….I wasn't told….Where did he say my rifle was going?!
Blue 2: Brother Spoon, we are the forerunners of a brave new world. The bringers of a glorious new dawn, surely you are willing to sacrifice a couple paltry gallons of blood to purge the universe of the corruption and despotism? Don't you agree Brother Grim?
Red(Grim): Shut-up. Don't talk to me.
Spoon: …how much blood?
(The ships intercoms buzz to life and it's onboard computer speaks)
Computer: Captain Abernathy? Diagnostic is complete. All systems functioning and cargo is secure. Proceed with planetary landing.
Spoon: Finally!
Blue 2(Abernathy): Of course, ship. Like a holy ark, begin to carry us across the seas of adversity so that we may settle our new promised land.
Computer: Does that mean land?
Abernathy: Yes, ship.
Computer: Beginning planetfall sequence. Aquiring coordinates: Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Estimated time to reach destination….24 hours.
Spoon: Dammit!
Grim: Shut-up.
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I guess this would be my first chapter…so it's a work in progress. Just so you know, Spoon, Grim, and Captain Abernathy are all my own character. But what are they up too?
…seriously. I haven't figured that one out yet. No clue what's going on.
See you in Ch. 2.
