Alright, can somebody just shoot me please.

I have been writing about several self-insert stories, the most successful one was of course the one where I became Kakashi. I even wrote a very perverted one where I became a Rei Ayanami clone that had obsession with...art of self pleasure.

But this...not even mad man like Hitler deserved to be doomed into the body of Gendo Ikari.

God...was this all because i wrote all those incest fics? Was this all because i wrote a fic about Evangelion with happy ending...for SxR?

I shook my head. They're not incest, damnit!

Not to mention that fate can be cruel without reason as well. I could be a literal saint, and this could still happen to me, you know.

And as some wise people said, you are there to carve your own path. Or fate, in this case.

But what kind of path shall i create when i'm stuck in the body and mind of one of the biggest douche in history?

Hmm...I know!

Let's make some friends!

-eva-

"Ikari, we need your sign to authorize the N2 bomb against the Third Angel."

"Sure, sure. Just do it." I said like it's the most obvious choice. When Fuyutsuki still didn't budge, I voiced my opinion in much more authoritative voice. "They will see that the N2 alone will be futile against the angel. There's no need for me to drag the bureaucracy as long as I could."

"O-of course." Fuyutsuki tried to shook off the odd feeling from hearing the Gendo Ikari so relaxed. Glad that i sounded more like my old self after that. "But why are you still here? The angel's already above, we need you to watch it live and make commands up there!"

"My office's well equipped enough to watch the chaos above, Fuyutsuki." I reasoned, still with my commander voice. Time to change my attitude. "And besides, i have more urgent business here. I NEED TO PREPARE FOR THE ARRIVAL OF MY ONLY SON!"

Fuyutsuki was so shocked he turned into a stone. Frozen stone, I might add.

"Oh, Shinji my little angel! Papa missed you sooo much! Ten years we're apart, my beloved son!" I squealed, before i turned into the frozen Fuyutsuki. "Oh Kouzou, what should i say to my son? All this time i haven't even wrote him a letter but the one that only said come. I'm so ashamed of myself! Bad, bad Gendo! Should i buy him every LEGO set on the store? Or should i buy him a sports car-teenagers always want one, right? Or how about this: I will set my son as the biggest eye-catcher in the whole Tokyo-3! Power, money, and Yui's looks will make him the most popular thing sooner or later. I won't fail you again, son! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Kouzou still haven't reacted. Damn, i hope he didn't get a stroke.

"Something wrong, Fuyutsuki?" I asked, almost concerned for his health.

"...Did i put the wrong mushroom in the soup again?" He squeaked, to the point that i almost couldn't hear him. Wait, this already happened before?

"I see that i haven't explained my actual plan, Fuyutsuki." I said in Gendo mode. "The truth, as you know it, is that I never good with people, even you. So when Yui was gone, I only have two options: get my son away from me so he won't see my embarrassingly bad parenting at best, and spiraling self-destruction at worst. Or, I can have him here and hope that me embarrassing myself would be the least damage he could see."

"...I thought you were hurt so much when she's gone, Gendo." Fuyutsuki said, voice still hadn't return yet.

"Well that's the other reason, really. I needed the time off to recuperate. After I was cured...mostly, I created two plans to face all of this, and they can be summarized as: be cold to him so he could grow without me, or be good to him so i can embarrass him with dad jokes and every attempt from me to become the best parent ever and...probably turned him into a better person than me. First plan will make me as the sole inheritor of Adam's power, while the latter made many people as the one who wield his power. As you can see, I went with the first one since that was the most obvious choice at that time, but lately I became more and more convinced that plan won't work."

"Why?"

"Well for the starter, what if Rei ended up betrayed me because Shinji's too good for her? What if I caused too much trauma for him to the point that he failed me? What if I actually hurt him the most instead of the least? Think about it, Kouzou, my plan will be ruined if I stay as the cold bastard for the eternity just by one small factor!" I explained the flaws of my so-called master plan.

"So...you decided, to go with the plan where you're...good with people, and have to share?" Fuyutsuki summarized my second plan.

"Well trying is the word, Kouzou. And it's not just good with people. It's to be the best dad ever! SON, I'M WAITING FOR YOU!" I exclaimed in a voice that not even my old self had. Damn, this man really needed to vent everything from his heart.

"I...I...I need a freaking drink. Maybe two liter of bourbon will make sense all of it, somehow. I knew it couldn't be the angel..."

"Oh, do whatever it take. Just get what you need, suit yourself, Kouzou. I will try my best to support it!"

"...Just get to the deck when your beloved son arrived." Said Fuyutsuki as he walked away, hands trembling from the shock. Poor him. I think his voice would never, ever return for the rest of this day. Maybe the next few days too if he really went with his plan to drink two liter of bourbon.

-eva-

"So this is what my father have been working on?"

"Correct." Said my voice. Everybody looked at me, standing in the command deck for the operation.

"Father..."

"It's been a while, Shinji."

Good. Now, when everybody's distracted...

"GOTCHA!" I said before i give my son a big hug.

"W-w-w-what?!"

"Oh my son, you've grown so much!" I greeted him when everything else in the room looked at me crazy. "You should've see your face when i surprised you, Shinji. It's priceless!"

"The fuck..." My fling mistress muttered. And Misato, who's usually so chirpy, couldn't say anything.

"But really, son?" I frowned at him and quickly added before he thought i disappointed him. "You came here to meet your father with your school uniform? What do you think this is, a working interview? No, son. This is homecoming party! Can't you see it? It's so obvious, man! And no offense, but in interview, you need to wear something that's better than just something official from your school. This is barely re-presentable in anything that's not involving fast food restaurants."

"It's all i have that don't look embarrassing."

"Ah, just like this coat of mine! Don't worry, Shinji. We can fix both our problems. Hey, Ritsuko! Are you pretty good in fashion sense? No offense Misato, but i prefer myself and Shinji to get something that's not too bombastic for our clothing."

"O- of course, sir. I'm not offended. At all." Misato finally squeaked.

"What the...I'm not working here to do fashion."

"Yeah, but you can't be worse than us. Just buy six sets of casual clothing and three suits. You'll have two million yen for the tabs. And keep the change." Ritsuko gleamed as i told her that she could keep the rest of the money, while Misato tried her best to not look miserable as she missed that generous bonus. Don't worry, you gorgeous purple-haired woman. That NBA All-Star salary will be a bonus for you sometimes when i decided to give you a new rank.

"Eh, b-but dad. The supposed party. Y-you just said come, in the letter. H-how i sh-should know?"

"I have, this beautiful and hot woman to pick you up, and sent you that photo of her gorgeous bosoms!" Misato coughed loudly as she found out that i knew and actually encouraged it as part of my plan. The boy in front of me himself had his cheek reddened. "Isn't that a giveaway? If this is a working interview, i would order an old man, like Kouzou to pick you."

"You got it right, Gendo! Woohoo!" Oh, damn. The old man's already drunk.

"Um, are you sure he's the right person to do interview?"

"Eh, the pressure got to him. Don't worry, he's a professional. So, Shinji? You get it?"

"Ah, I...I get it!" Shinji said as my cold, creepy hologram inside the command deck finally disappeared. "This is all, some kind of party, right?"

"That's true."

"You...you prepared so much for this!" I beamed up as Shinji became brighter and brighter. "You really thought of everything to greet me and show your work. This is all so real, f-father." Um, what?

"The monster, the military N2 bomb, the robot here, the super big, uh...Geofront complex, and its reversed city hologram? Well, it's...it's so immersive! And real! I-i'm really impressed by the work you've done for the, uh...virtual reality? What is the name of the project, or the movie, father?"

"Actually, the monster and robot is real." As i said that, a part of my son just died inside. "And this place, despite its rather crazy design, is pretty much real. You see Shinji, the timing's never been so awful. You should've been here weeks ago so we can discuss some thing and reach agreement first. Instead, we meet while we're directly under attack by the Angel. Damn, my boss' going to chew me out over this unpredictable scenario. They're supposed to be here later, like three months from now!"

"Um, what?" Shinji questioned me while my mistress was glad that he didn't get it.

"Never mind. It's secrets for old man like me, and people who are even older. And don't think for one bit that you're here just to do this. We have so much time after to bond after all, my son! But for now, you need, to pilot that thing."

"D-don't you have someone to do it, in place of me?" Man, i thought he would manned up...

"I wish. But alas, our other pilot was gravely injured just five days ago." I said as i showed the inside of Rei's hospital room. She was there, bandaged all over her body. "Rei, can you try to sit?"

Shinji was mortified when he saw his mom's blue-haired clone (not really, lol) could barely sit without spent nearly all of her energy. To say that she was hurt was an understatement. The girl definitely couldn't walk, let alone sit and did her job inside the robot. I ordered her to lay back, and she did just like that.

"Even if she's healthy, she wouldn't be able to make the robot fight optimally, and she's probably going to ended like that anyway. Ayanami Rei was supposed to ride her own robot-

"Sir, can you at least refer to it as Evangelion or at least the name of their units?" Ah, so finally Ritsuko get upset by me not using the official terms.

"Right. So, her Evangelion, is called Unit-00, and yours called Unit-01. This unit has been programmed for you, and her has been programmed for her as well. You can ride her EVA, but it won't be as good as she riding her own. But alas, something wrong happened to her unit. And uh,...I forgot to add some padding in the activation room, so she ended up bounced like crazy. Maya! Don't forget to add some impact padding as our new protocols in the training and synchronization room!"

"S-Sir!" Maya said rather hastily, obviously distracted by her brand new commander. Couldn't blame her, really.

"B...but how am i supposed to use it when even Ayanami couldn't ride her own without it getting out of control?"

"Eh, I don't want to make it sounds even weirder, but we're optimistic that you can ride it on first try because Unit-01 was built for Yui."

"M...mom?" My son was shocked while Ritsuko facepalmed as i revealed even more of the past of the operation, even if it was just an excuse and part of the lies. Captain Katsuragi herself was the same with Shinji, absolutely shocked.

"Yes. And i feel that I'll honor her if you become the one who piloted this." I could tell that my son's still on the fence. So I kneeled before him. "Shinji, please. You can do this. For the world's survival."

Unfortunately, at that time the angel hit the Geofront with his strongest attack. The combination of my old fearless self (at least to ghost and earthquake) made me strong enough to not stumble from the attack. Unfortunately, my son did.

And my head, which was lowered due to my kneeling position, clashed...with his private. Hard.

After one minute of agony (especially him), my poor boy said yes to his job...in a Mickey Mouse voice.

-evangelion-

"No popcorn and juice? I need them to watch my son kicking ass. " I asked as Shinji's getting prepared. I also already said to him that the liquid that's going to fill his plug was breathable.

"N-no, sir." Makoto answered.

"Oh poo." I pouted like a child, caused everyone in the room vicinity to get aneurysm.

-after the battle-

I looked over my son as he recovered in his hospital room.

Even with me directing everything he had to do, including where he could get his weapons, in the end we're still had to be saved by Yui went berserk.

I sighed. This is going to be hard, even with Gendo Ikari became a changed man.

Finally, he woke up.

I smiled, he tried his best to smile despite the pain.

Oh, well. It's a better start i suppose.

-evangelion-

Yeah, so basically, me tried to outdo Raising Project Gendo.

And it's a little bit serious.

Also, my two primary EVA fics are not dead. I just got lazy, lol. But i can tell you this:

-Steroid's Eight Angel will be finished in the next chapter. After that, Gendou will unveils most of the secrets.

-Dummy Plug will have me dated Shinji thanks to Gendo rejected my proposal.

So see you next time. Tataa!