Hoo boy, this story is going to get a lot of hate, so I better start apologising. All kidding aside, this is a story and in no way is it supposed to be treated otherwise. I do not condone any of the matters treated in this and if you or someone you know is going through any of the situations aborded in this work, I beg you seek help.

Warnings: Strong language and very strong themes.

Caitlyn P.O.V.


Chapter 1. Blue

There was a knock on my door. I gingerly got up from the sofa, placed my book on my little coffee table and walked to open it. My heart beat heavily in my chest, knowing all too well who it was going to be. A part of me wanted to see him, but the other… well, the other might have been a bit confused.

I let the door swing open and was greeted by a handsome smile that did not reach his eyes. He entered quickly as I didn't bother to answer his cheerfulness and he frowned at me.

"We need to talk." He said, his gaze flickering through the room. "Sit down."

This seemed bad. I gestured at my couch, giving him permission to sit where he wanted and he grunted in response. He crossed his legs and patted the place beside him, so I uncomfortable sat next to him. He placed an arm around me, as if that was going to solve anything.

I sheepishly looked at my boyfriend. The word still seemed odd. Out of place. Boyfriend. Me and Jayce. For over nine months and all, and I still hadn't come to terms with it.

Of course, at first I'd been ecstatic. I loved him. The way his smile could cheer everyone up, the way it made me feel inside, the way it warmed my heart up. I truly did love him, way back then. And before.

I still remember the nights we'd spent on the rooftop of the apartment buildings, staring at the stars, sharing stories, jokes, thoughts. It had been his idea for me to go up there with them. He used to take Vi up, back when they were best friends and I wasn't in the way. Back when I thought he had feelings for her, and I was just a third wheel. But he invited me up, and we shared a few beers, just the three of us. I hated the taste, but drank it nonetheless, not wanting to be rude. And one day, he took me up and Vi wasn't there.

It was the first time we'd spent together alone, and it ended up making me glow for three days. I didn't know I was falling in love. Maybe I didn't want to know.

We got so close. When we were alone on the rooftops, he'd stroke my cheek and kiss my forehead, hug me close and tell me things about hexteck technology I didn't know, or anything that popped into his mind.

When Vi was around, we acted like nothing was going on between each other, but Jayce always made her leave in the right moment.

And one night, after kissing me on the forehead, he lifted my head up and placed his lips to mine. Surprised, I opened my eyes wide, but closed them to enjoy the delicious moment. It was a soft kiss, which warmed my heart immensely. It was followed by many, many more kisses, not all of them quite as soft or cute. Our tongues intertwined repeatedly, growing hotter and boulder. We embraced, and he held on to me tightly as he whispered in my ear that he didn't want to ever let go.

He kissed my neck, and I felt the warmth go up all my body, and I wanted to feel it. Feel so much more.

We ended up in his apartment, taking our clothes off before entering his room. He let me fall on his bed, the two of us now naked, and he continued his tender assaults on my skin. I massaged his muscular build, surprised at how attractive he actually was. Not that I would have cared much if he wasn't.

We made love for the first time that night, and when we ended, panting and still hot and sweating, he pulled me towards him and told me he loved me. He said he'd felt that way for a long, long time, and that he couldn't wait any longer. He was sure I must at least feel something, even if it was just lust.

I kissed him, then pressed my forehead against his.

"I love you too." I whispered. We smiled warmly at each other and fell asleep moments after.

After that one night, we'd secretly meet each other, make love again maybe, or just enjoy each other's company. We decided to make our relationship official, as meeting up secretly was beginning to get harder and harder.

We announced to the other champions in the Institute that we were together, and I still remember the smile on our lips, the way his arm was around my waist, pulling me towards him, the way my chest felt, the sensation of being overwhelmed with happiness.

But then, it happened. The amount of matches I had to do doubled in just a week and the stress was getting to me. Not to mention that I still had to do police duties around the Insititute. I hardly had time to rest in between matches and ended up having a nervous breakdown mid game. I was taken to the medical department in the Institute, and from there, tossed between doctors before they agreed I needed a special one.

Finally a psychiatrist gave me some blue pills and very clear instructions on how to use them. One a day, no exceptions.

I started taking my medication every morning, right after looking at myself in the mirror. I'd developed huge bags under my eyes, caused by the horrible nightmares I was having and the shortness of sleep. My stress affected my appetite and I'd lost a bit over 8 pounds in just two weeks. And to top it off, I was having really bad headaches quite often.

I didn't have time to be with Jayce. And even if I had, I wouldn't have been in the mood to be with him. I definitely did not want sex. The mere idea of anything sexual made my tummy tight and I felt like I was going to throw up.

I got to see him around from time to time. He knew about the nervous breakdown and had come to see me at the hospital, but he didn't know I was medicated. The fact that I was made me feel weak, vulnerable. So, as far as he knew, I was fine. We just didn't have time to see each other.

The amount of matches he had to do increased also, and I could tell it was getting to him too. When we did see each other, he barely kissed me anymore, he'd just be fidgety and nervous.

The season ended. We all had time to relax, no more matches. But I still had the same feelings. I wasn't better. I wish I could say I was numb. Numb is ok. Numb means no pain. But there was pain. So much of it. It hurt to get out of bed in the mornings. To do things. To face life. To face him.

And he noticed. He noticed I was avoiding him. He got angry, yelled at me. He left my apartment that day, in a huff. I wish I could say I didn't care. But my chest hurt more after the things he said and the way he looked.

Next day, it was like it had never happened. He did say sorry, though. Tried to kiss me on the lips and I forced myself to respond and not cry in his face.

But it just wasn't the same.

I loved him. I still do. It's not that. My feelings about myself were preventing me from feeling happy. They were preventing me from enjoying my relationship with him.

He was getting impatient, I knew it. We hadn't had sex in a while, and after all that stress, he felt like he needed some release. It was weird. How I felt about sex. I'd gone from being a woman with a very high sex drive to being disgusted by the utter thought of it.

This takes me back to the day when he decided to talk to me about it. Jayce made me look into his eyes, concern written on his features. I was waiting for him to say what he wanted to say.

"We haven't had sex in over a month." He finally said and then his mouth was against mine, and my stomach twisted into a knot. His lips left mine and he frowned. "I'm worried, is something the matter?"

I choked on my own saliva and blushed, but he removed the hair from my face, a smile spreading on his.

"No." I managed to say, but it was the biggest lie I had ever told him.

He looked at me for a moment, maybe to make sure that everything was indeed fine. I tried to smile at him, in an attempt to make him trust me.

"Alright." His lips travelled to my neck and his hands roamed my waist while I fought the urge to flinch away. "Let's fuck, then."

This wasn't like it was at the beginning. But I agreed nonetheless. It was easier than arguing, and it would get over quicker.

He was rough, throwing me onto the bed, tearing away at my clothes, and once fully naked, he shoved himself into me. No foreplay, just a searing pain all over my entrance.

I screamed, but he didn't even bother to look at me. He finished quickly, and when he did, he got up, got dressed and headed for the door of my room.

I was fighting back tears as he turned around and looked at me with rage in his eyes.

"Don't you fucking lie to me." He said before he left.

It hurt so much. I was sure he'd made me bleed, he'd been so ruthless, so invasive, so inattentive, and I hadn't been wet, but when I looked down, it just looked normal.

I got dressed, but the tears wouldn't stop flowing down my face and I couldn't stop the uncontrollable sobbing. I went to my bathroom to clean up, to try and calm myself down when my eyes rested upon the small bottle which contained the blue pills.

I chocked on a sarcastic laugh as I thought of just the perfect metaphor for my life. Blue pills. Blue. Like I felt at that moment.