Authors Note
Located At Bottom
Warning(s): Abuse of doors, knives, a naked monster with an identity crisis, attempted murder, mentions of attempted suicide, surrealistic happenings, and an abundance of references.
(Note: If you do not wisht to read the prologue just scroll to the end and read the preview of the next chapter, thank you.)
It had been such a nice dream. No evil clowns with knives or salivating dogs begging to eat socks, which was pretty gross since the socks were never washed. Yes, such a lovely dream full of Hetalia characters running around, blue cats flying in and out of clouds, and where there was no anxiety or war. It was perfect…Too perfect actually.
Suddenly the cats started to fall and turn bright pink and sing an annoying tune as they commanded the dirty socks to chase the salivating dogs. Clowns started to appear only they were being kicked by knives, which had to hurt, and England started screaming something about food.
HetaliaHetaliaHetaliaHetalia!
"NOOOOO!" Christina screamed, jolting awake, smacking at the invisible scones in front of her just as her door opened with a loud BANG, the knob slamming into the wall, again, which was already dented from abuse. Without even needing to turn she knew who it was, no one else would be awake at this obnoxious hour, 9 A.M. on a summer morning.
"Wakey, wakey eggs and bacy~" Savannah called as she walked in, seemingly skipping as she approached her little sister. And no, she was not caring a platter or plate with afore mentioned food, it was a lie!
Christina only groaned, turning back over to try and sleep a little more.
"Sestra, it's time to get up."
Christina hissed and tried to kick her, which she realized was a bad idea (like every time before) as her older sister went tsundere (which was more often than not) and loomed over her threateningly, glaring daggers at her before grabbing the foot that kicked her and pulling Christina off the bed.
"Jesus!" Christina yelled angrily, sitting up with teary eyes (IT WAS JUST A REFLEX!).
"You wouldn't get up. Besides, I made French toast." She stated, walking towards the door when she suddenly tripped, "Sweet merciful...Screw that. SHIT!" Christina watched in slight amusement as her sister cussed out her own laptop –which Christina had been allowed to borrow- before picking it up and hugging it lovingly, whispering to it how much she loved it…Which was only just in case computers did have feelings and decided to commit self assassination if it felt unloved, but that was Savannah for you.
"Hey, what's this?" Savannah asked as she began to browse over the page Christina had written just hours ago. A few minutes passed before she finished reading and a shit eating grin appeared on her face.
'Well this can't be good.'
"Let's write a parody!"
Well, that wasn't what she was expecting but if her older sister wanted to ignore the magical starsign fanfiction then-Wait…A parody?
"What?"
Savannah strutted over to the curtains before flinging them open, setting the laptop down on the desk, and throwing the window open dramatically, "Yes, a parody for those fans that have cried, have screamed out in the dark, for those that nearly shit themselves when Steve appeared to torment the young heroes. For justice and out of complete boredom a parody shall be made!"
'Wait a second, Steve…Oh wait, noo.' Christina thought.
"A parody of HetaOni shall be born!" Savannah finished, seeming to glow as sparkles appeared around her pose (hand extended with finger pointing towards the horizon with one leg propped on the sill. Her mouth was also open a bit in a far off smile, as were her eyes).
Christina shook her head, "You've been reading too much USUK again, haven't you."
Before she could respond a few people started pulling up their windows yelling, "Who's making all that racket!"
"I plead the fifth! Quick, offensive maneuver six!" Savannah stated, closing the window and curtains. "Phew, all that made me hungry let's go eat!"
Christina sweatdropped but followed her sister down the stairs, hey she wasn't one to pass up free French toast and her sister's was always really good. Once she got her plate she began to bathe the food in syrup, eating seven pieces was no biggie but if there wasn't syrup…There would be hell to pay.
Her sister sat next to her with three pieces and was reaching to take the other bottle of syrup when she stopped before quickly grabbing something that was hidden behind the napkins, "Beanpaste!"
Christina just continued eating as her sister began to spin around, cuddling this 'beanpaste' to her. And people thought she was hysteric off her medication…But, usually her sister was more composed and tsundere no matter if she'd taken her meds or not. This was a bit strange.
"Sis, that's a mochi." Christina finally stated once her sister settled down (That was the sestra she knew and loved).
She shrugged, teetering back and forth while faintly singing, "Yummy, yummy, yum-yumm-yumm. Gonna make me a fried potato.
She shook her head as her sister got up and headed to the kitchen, not taking her seriously. At least that was until she heard the spray of canned canola oil and the stove being turned on. Taking a few more bites of her breakfast she ran into the kitchen, "Sis you-"
"Where's your plate? I'm not your maid, go get it!"
Sighing Christina went back and got her plate, washed it off in the sink, and put it in the dishwasher. "Now as I was saying, you can't-WAIT!"
Savannah looked up from the frying pan in confusion before it clicked. "Oh yeah, I forgot the butter. Can you pass it to me?"
"NO! NOT THAT!"
Savannah stared at her younger sister quizzically as she holds the pan half way over the fire; the mochi cowering on the unheated side. "What then?"
"That's not beanpaste." Christina stated, hoping her sister would get it.
"Of course not, it's a mochi and I'm going to fry it up and eat it."
"Really? It's mochiMerica! Jesus, it has glasses and eyes for FINLAND-AND-SWEDEN-YOAI-FANFICTION'S sake!"
"Well, PruMano and SpaMano are better!" Savannah fired back.
"Exactly, now no eating the mochi." Christina stated, moving over to turn off the stove when she was intercepted.
"Stare into its eyes, look at those blue eyes…Like jolly ranchers. Look at its texture, smooth and creamy. What a beautiful color, like rice smeared with butter, so...yummy." Savannah stated, ignoring how what she just said could be taken MANY different ways.
Christina stared at the mochi that looked up at her with big pleading eyes, hoping to be saved. She turned to her sister, "I am not going to eat that. It's undercooked."
The mochi's hope died. Brutally, like Sirius Black.
"Great! I brought ketchup and pepper."
As Savannah went back to trying to get the mochi to cook with a spatula, Christina grabbed some graham crackers to snack on before getting a strange feeling.
"Hey, sis."
"Yes, what is it?" Savannah asked, trying to push the mochi towards the center.
"Do you hear breathing? Like a person who has really bad asthma?"
"Do you need your inhaler? Is Alex home? She might need hers."
"No! I do not need it! You do know that Alex went to Jersey, right?"
"Oh yeah. Well, now that you mention it, I do hear some creepy music and I think the basement door is opening but…" Both simultaneously looked at each other and then the mochi before all three slowly and dramatically turned around.
"I brought the marshmallows and chocolate." The Ao Oni monster stood behind them with a large bag of each afore mentioned foods.
All four stared at one another before Savannah, being the older sister, picked up the huge ass steak knife from the knife holder. "What the hell do you want? I may not know how to use this but I was shooting Nazi zombies yesterday!"
"Didn't you die?"
"Shut-up."
The big purple monster set down the foods on the counter and sighed heavily, shoulders slumping, "Why does everyone I meet do that?"
"Grab knives and say they play Call of Duty: Black Ops because of their sister's, who's in Jersey, girlfriend?"
"Well, maybe not exactly but people do tend to freak out and grab projectiles. I once was slapped with a Teddy bear, A TEDDY BEAR! My brothers still laugh at me!"
"O-okay, well please go sit on the couch…" Christina stated, not sure what else to do. She turned to her sister to ask what they should do but sweatdropped as Savannah was sniffling, wiping away her tears. "Oh, that poor, poor thing, I would hug him but he's naked and his muscles scare me a little."
Christina scoffed, "There's a huge ass monster in our house that's naked, and you're crying because he was slapped by a Teddy Bear?"
"Nope, I was just setting the mood. Go bring him juice, I'll be there soon. Start a conversation, you know what to do." Savannah stated as she handed her sister a cup of juice and pushed her into the living room, ignoring Christina's protests.
HETALIAHETALIAHETALIAHETALIA~
Christina stood in the living room, staring at the old wallpaper as she tried to think of something to-WAIT! She had juice. "Umm, here, my sis told me to give this to you." She said, feeling extremely awkward as she handed it some juice, which ironically was purple…Since when did they have grape juice?
"Thank-you."
"Yeah, sooo what are you doing here anyway?" Christina asked, hesitantly moving to lean against the arm of the couch, which put a bit of a distance between them.
The Ao Oni monster covered his face with his hands, like he was stressed or crying. "Oh, it's horrible! Simply despicable! Please, I need help! Just the other day I tried to hang myself-"
"Did you use Christmas lights?" Christina interrupted.
"No." The Ao Oni monster replied.
"Well no wonder you failed. Rope is too mainstream. You need something more creative."
The Ao Oni monster stared at her stoic placid expression before deciding to not eat her. "Anyway, I desperately need your help."
"You came to the right place, don't you worry we'll find a way to fix your fashion crisis." Savannah suddenly stated from her spot in an armchair, which she was spread out on while smoking a fake pipe with a small notepad in her hands.
"That's not my problem! ...What's wrong with the way I look?"
"Hun, you're blue-purple and naked. That grape juice goes more with you than anything. Please pick a colour, are you purple or blue?"
"What? Wait, this isn't my problem!"
"Denial!" Savannah proclaimed as she threw an accusatory finger at him. "From my notes I've deducted that you are depressed and suicidal due to not knowing your sexuality or colour!"
Christina stifled a laugh as the Ao Oni blushed.
"Now red! Please, I respect homosexuals but this is ridiculous! Does red mean a-sexual now?"
"NOO! That is not what I came here for now listen to me or I'll eat you!"
"I can see why you don't have friends. Temper, temper." Savannah stated as she continued to scribble down her notes.
Ao Oni just facepalmed but decided to get to the point, "I am here to get revenge."
"Quick, someone get some popcorn!" Savannah stated, knowing that the climax was nearing.
"For over a year now I have been mocked by embarrassing videos on youtube. Children and adults used to fear me but now all they do is laugh at me."
Savannah stage whispered to Christina, "Well yeah, he needs a nose job and eye job."
"I've become less scary and more and more people are ignoring me. And it's all because of him! That pompous arse who stole my spotlight! I hate him sooo much!"
"Excuse me but when did you become British?" Savannah asked, noting the accent towards the end.
"I've eaten quite a few Englishmen in my time." Ao Oni stated.
"Moving on." Christina stated, knowing that her sister adored accents, "So what do you want from us-"
"Wait!" Savannah yelled, "I know what he wants!"
The others stared at her non-to-expectantly.
"From my notes I've deducted that you want revenge!"
"No duh! Your notes are just pictures of fish and…Is that a dinosaur eating a volcano?" Christina asked.
Savannah glared at them, "Let me finish! Now as I was saying, you want revenge on Steve from HetaOni for stealing your story and spotlight, and for those embarrassing pictures at the Christmas party. Not to mention making those funny videos of you using some film and talking or singing. Oh, and let's not forget how he mocked you and stole tricycle-"
"Yes, you got it! Now, you mentioned earlier about making a parody for HetaOni, correct?"
"Yup, sure did."
"Well, I'm prepared to give you full access to the script and characters, all you have to do is…" He begins to whisper as the two listened intently.
"Wait, does this mean we get to really make this a parody, like switch words around and have several pairings?" Christina asked, just making sure this was legit.
"Yes, but we'll discuss the details later. Now, do we have a deal?"
"Does the Pope like Prada?" Savannah asked seriously.
"Ummmmm…Yes?"
"Then we have a deal!" Savannah stated jumping up, "Let's celebrate!"
She pulled out some fire wood from behind the chair and threw a match on it before also picking up her frying pan where MochiMerica was just starting to wake up.
Christina and Ao Oni blinked but didn't question these things, this was now a parody after all. Anything could happen.
Savannah tossed the phone as Ao Oni before picking up her older sister's stolen phone. "Let's make some calls girls."
"Umm…I'm a-"
"Yes, hello, I would like one large pizza and an order of cue cards, yes large. No, put the tap under Bond. James, Bond."
Seeing that his impending death lay before him mochiMerica decided to make a final attempt at escaping while the others were occupied. He jumped from the pan and began to…slither/run/dash away? Yeah...Okay, let's go with that.
~I'm Free~ the mochi thought, in a very deep sing-song voice, as he approached the front door.
It was locked.
~Never mind~
A deserted house in a mountain about three hours on foot from the World Summit.
No one knows how long it has been there or who used to live in it.
Rumors had that it was...
"Woah, wait a minute!" Savannah stated, crossing her arms as she looked over the script.
"What?" Christina asked a bit defensively, the intro seemed fine enough to her.
"This is a parody, we should change it up a bit."
"Well what do you have in mind?"
"A deserted mansion located in Lolly mountains, about three hours from the World Summit.
No One but Tony knows how long it's been there or who used to live in it (except the landlady and her thirty cats).
Hot, juicy rumors had that it was…"
"Hmmmm, I like it but can we change the mountains name?"
"Yeah sure, how does Paedo-Bear or Lampsquid mountain sound?"
"…Let's go with Lolly."
"Okay day~" Savannah stated, rewriting some of the script, "Hey sis I made a sign."
"…Really?"
"Yup! Just…PULL THE LEVER!"
"If it falls on me I am kicking your ass." Christina stated, knowing that she really wouldn't be able to, as she pulled the lever.
Sparkles and confetti began to rain down from the ceiling as a large paper rolled down, fireworks going off as it finished falling. In large rainbow letters were, WELCOME TO THE PARODY OF HETAOOMI
"...Savannah. It's spelled wrong."
"It's all part of the parody and say it like a Korean woman would, remember to stress the O in OOMI."
"Okay..."
"I'm glad you like it, now let's get started. Places everyone the prologue is ending!"
'Oh, this is going to be interesting.' Christina thought.
A/N: For those of you who read all this, thank you. This is only the beginning of our HetaOni parody, which will follow the story line but with more jokes. Like I said earlier, this fanfiction is dedicated for all those who cried, screamed, and ect while watching HetaOni. Other people who didn't like it? Well this is a parody.
We will make fewer appearances as this goes on. Hopefully. There probably won't be any other chapters that center around my sister and I (Savannah). This chapter was just a bit of plot-prologue, which will be crack-ish but with better sentences. XD
We hope you continue reading, don't forget to review.
Note: We don't mean ANY offense. Also, please note the references. Sometimes we will add 'links' for visuals.
SNEAK PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER
Japan holds up a tape recorder and presses play.
'The AWESOME ME has already memorized the script. Because I'm AWESOME! I'm sooo awesome that the script had to beg to even be allowed into my awesome brain. 'CAUSE IM AWESOME!
-In the far back ground- 'No you not dude, don't lie!'
Japan turns off tape recorder smugly.
"What else do you have on there, Porn? I mean, I know you like that tentacle porn-"
