Highwind M.D.
or
An Idea So Bad, I Had to Pursue It.

By: Jason Tandro

Cid sits in the Kalm clinic, his mind decidedly not on his work. His current project was counting ceiling tiles while trying not to let his bum leg get him down. In walks his boss, Dr. Tifa Lockhart.

"Highwind! There have been patients out here for thirty minutes!" She shrieks shrilly.

"That's a coincidence. I've been in here for about thirty minutes," Cid replies. He looks at his watch. "And how about that, my clinic duty is done. Get Valentine on it."

"Valentine has been let go," Tifa replies. "It seems he has been fixing every problem by, well, ripping out their heart."

"Can't control the chaos within, sure as hell can't control the chaos without," Cid replies callously walking towards the stairs.

"What happened to your leg?" Tifa asks.

"Shera got mad at me for breaking to good pot and took it out on my leg. Metal shavings everywhere," Cid replies.

"Well, you've got a case. A miner in the Mithril Caves down south got bit by an asp," Tifa says, reading from a clipboard.

"Simple. It's poison, give him an antidote and a nice lollipop, he'll be fine," Cid says.

"It's not poison. Antidotes aren't effective, but he is deteriorating rapidly and even potions are having no effect," Tifa replies.

Cid pauses a moment, and then walks back to Tifa grabbing the file out of her hand.

"You know if it weren't for your rack I wouldn't have even turned around," Cid comments.

"Duly noted. Now get to work," Tifa says walking off.

Cid nods. "Okay. Your ass is pretty good too."

Barrett, Cloud and Aerith sit in chairs at Cid's office, bored out of their skull. In walks Cid who apparently has some good news.

"We've got a case. 27-year-old male, miner, bitten by an asp. He's poisoned, but here's the gimmick. He isn't poisoned. Antidotes have no effect. Differential diagnosis, peeps."

"Could be confusion, maybe when we aren't looking he's hurting himself," Cloud suggests, in a suddenly Australian accent.

"Could be a stone effect of some sort. It hasn't quite hit him yet, but it's shutting down his vital organs first. Give it an hour and we'll see some discoloration," Barrett suggests.

"Or maybe it's poison and he needs a stronger treatment of the Antidote or maybe a Remedy," Aerith suggests.

"Okay, let's treat all of them at once. Put him on 12 ccs of Remedy and see if he improves," Cid says. "Unless you find out it's poison. Then take him off the Remedy."

"Why, 'cause you hate me?" Aerith asks. "You hate me don't you. Or you love me. Or maybe it's both, I forget…."

"Because if it's poison we'll just put him on an Antidote+," Cid replies calmly.

"Oh. That makes more sense…." Aerith replies.

Cid sits and talks to his close friend. The well-reasoned, but quadruped Red XIII.

"So, what do you think?" Cid asks.

"Well, I think if you try a little harder you might get Tifa to fire you," Red replies.

"I meant about the patient," Cid corrects.

"Oh. Well did you check him out?" Red asks.

"No, I never do that. I'm sure I can solve a problem without looking at the guy," Cid replies.

Cid stood over the dead body of his patient.

"What happened here?" Cid asked.

"He had a piece of blade still stuck in him, which is why he kept on getting worse," Aerith said.

"Oh? Well how big was it?" Cid asked.

Aerith lifts the Masamune in its entirety.

"Wow. Well the EMTs should have caught that. Okay. I'm gonna go overdose now. Who wants to come with me?"

In bursts Yuffie, "Me me me me me! Gimme caffeine, gimme sugar, gimme crack. Gimme gimme gimme!"