A Law & Disorder Christmas Carol

Chapter 1 – Christmas is Dead

Christmas was one of the most celebrated holidays in the world, although many have shunned the true meaning of it – celebrating the birth of Jesus. Er, I mean loving each other's family members and friends. Yes. That's right. And, true to tradition, there was always one character that didn't hold any holiday spirit in his soul at all. And that man's name is –

"HOUSE!" Arthur Dent shouted from the backstage of Crime City's local play theater, the Golden Soul Theater. Arthur Dent was a simple and average man who just so happened to always get himself caught up with the latest wild escapade happening to the city. He wore nothing but rumpled pajamas, robe and slippers. And carried a green-striped towel over his arm, something of a habit he developed ever since meeting his friend Ford Prefect. Arthur kept muttering to himself over and over again as he looked through a clipboard he was holding and kept one finger pressed against a headset he wore.

"What's wrong, Dent?" Perry Cox asked, strolling toward him with his hands in his pockets. Cox was a seasoned doctor, very smart (and loved rubbing it in), with orange curly hair and was dressed in pale and faded clothes with rusty chains bound to his limbs.

"I don't know where in the world House is!" Arthur bemoaned, slapping a hand over his eyes. "Why does he have to disappear right before our performance of A Christmas Carol tonight? And he's playing Scrooge! It's so – unprofessional!"

"Face it, Pajama-Man: House brings out the worst in everyone, especially during the Christmas season," Cox said cynically.

"Don't worry, Arthur! I've got him!" James Wilson called. Wilson was a caring doctor, but a rather exasperated one. He was wearing an old Victorian suit and hat for the play as he dragged over a casually dressed man with graying hair. Wilson shoved House forward as the three men glared at House.

"What? I was out picking out presents for ya," House said simply, smiling innocently.

"I found him slumming in a bar," Wilson glowered.

"Yeah, I was picking up a scotch for Perry. You like scotch, right buddy?" he smirked to Cox, who wasn't amused.

"Do you realize what time it is, House?!" Arthur snapped excitedly, holding up his left wrist to show a watch.

House squinted his eyes at it. "I dunno; that watch's broken."

He looked back at his watch and slapped his forehead. "Note to self: never ask Janitor to fix something," he murmured. "Whatever! You didn't drink anything, did you?"

"I can vouch that he didn't," Wilson assured him.

"Good, at least that's on our side," Arthur groaned. "Anyway, we've just have enough time to get you ready. Go, go, go, go!" He ushered House off to his dressing room.

Cox and Wilson both sighed tiredly. "Is it because he got the lead part that he's acting like this?" Cox asked.

"No, he just does things his own way," he explained.

Cox stared him askance. "How long are you going to defend him?"

"I honestly don't even know why I bother," he groaned, gently rubbing his temples.

"Argh, I would've made the better Scrooge, if you ask me," Cox said, changing the topic. "I mean, I'm more cynical than him and better at monologues! I bet they chose him because he came with a cane."

"It is a packaged deal," Wilson added, chuckling.

---

Arthur peeked out of the thick crimson curtains, seeing a full crowd of Crime City's citizens gather into the seats. He whistled, "Wow, it looks like almost everyone in the city has come." Turning his back on them for now, Arthur clapped his hands to get the actors' attentions. "Okay, everyone! We've been rehearsing this thing for over two weeks now and I have the uttermost faith in all of you that you all will put on one hell of a show out there! But don't worry if mess up a line or two, since it's an improv play as well. So feel free to throw in your own lines if you think they're good!" The Janitor raised a finger and opened his mouth. "Except you!" He lowered his finger and closed his mouth, glaring darkly at the stage manager. "As I was saying, no pressure and you'll all do…" Arthur looked through the sea of actors. He frowned and narrowed his eyes. "Where's House?"

"I heard he's still getting ready," the young cartoon Wakko said.

"Oh, for the love of Santa," Arthur moaned, placing his hand over his face and allowing it to slide down.

"I'll go get him," Wilson sighed, walking toward a dressing room. He poked his head in. "House?" he called.

Standing in front of a line of mirrors were the half-naked female actresses – Rika Itonami, Dot Warner, Elliot Reid, Trisha "Trillian" McMillian, Kara Kent, Sakura Kinomoto, Mystery and Juniper Lee. Upon realizing Wilson was staring at them and drawing the wrong conclusion, the ladies screamed, "PERVERT!"

"No, wait! You've got it all wrong! I didn't mean-! I'm leaving! I'm leaving!" Wilson attempted to explain himself as he ran out, shielding himself with his arms from the various random objects pelted at him.

"If you're, ah, looking for House, his room's down there," the slow Kronk said to him, staring and pointing his thumb down to the right of the girls' dressing room.

"Thanks, Kronk," Wilson breathed, stomping to the room. He threw the door open. "House!"

"Boy, James, I didn't take you for that kind of guy," House smirked, fitting his jacket on for his final Scrooge piece of clothing.

"You heard?" he moaned.

"Oh, yeah." He continued smirking as he picked up his cane. "I'm willing to bet that the rest of Crime City heard, as well!"

"Why?" Wilson asked wearily. "Why can't you be a bit more caring? Why can't you be a little more compassionate? Why can't we find a shred of humanity in you, even during Christmas?"

"I wonder why people like to say, 'why' a lot," House pondered. "So what you expect me to do, eh? Give presents?"

"Well, if you expect US to get YOU some presents, sure!" he nodded, crossing his arms. "If presents are the only things that'll convince you to get into the mood of the season, of course! Just do something that'll make everyone a bit happier!"

House blankly gazed at his supposed only friend. Wilson could have sworn that he spotted a sort of glimmer in House's eyes, hopeful a sign that he'll change his ways. He swiftly popped a Vicodin in to his mouth out of habit and inquired, "Think the bar's still open on Christmas?"

"Argh! You know what? Forget it! Just – forget it!" Wilson cried out, throwing his arms into the air as he left the room in disgust. "Just get on stage!" He slammed the room's door shut, and slapped a hand over his eyes. There was no point in even trying to reason with that man. "Christmas is dead to him…."

House gripped his cane a bit tighter, musing over the words Wilson said to him. His eyes looked onto his desk and glanced upon a little glass snow globe of Crime City he received from Rika last year. He scooped up the little trinket and read the words MERRY CHRISTMAS within it. "'Just do something that'll make everyone a bit happier', eh?" he repeated softly.

End of Chapter 1

NL: Yeah, this is my Christmas story this year – my own retelling of A Christmas Carol! And, NO! This is NOT a "parody" (from what you guys define what a parody is)! And I should mention this story takes place several arcs into Law & Disorder. Read and Review, please!