[A/N I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a new and improved version of Run, Sirius, Run, which makes me cringe when I read it back now. Let me know what you think.]
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Plink… plink… plink… plink…
The sharp, hollow sound of the leaky tap echoed off the walls of the otherwise silent public toilet. The once-white tiles were covered in years of grime and one of the lights above the sink flickered. The door was securely locked despite the fact that no one was likely to come in at that time of the night.
Plink… plink… plink… plink…
Sirius sat slumped against the wall of the left cubical, gripping his stomach in pain and concentrating on not throwing up. The smell of vomit and shit was already sickening, especially from his position on the floor. He stared at the dirty tiled floor and followed the patterns in the grime made by a half-hearted cleaner with a mop. His eyes stung from tiredness and he could feel perspiration break out on his forehead and top lip, a combination of sickness and the humid summer night. Suddenly lurching, he leant forward and threw up once again in the toilet bowl until all he could do was dry heave. Feeling utterly exhausted he wanted to sleep but the feeling of dirtiness forced him up. He fumbled with the cubical lock and opened the door, staggering slightly to the sink, which he grasped with both hands before looking up into the mirror.
He closed his eyes quickly. That wasn't him in the mirror. He opened them and saw the same pale and thin creature staring back at his through bloodshot and baggy eyes. His hair and face was dirty and glistened with sweat and twisting sideways, Sirius noticed with distant alarm that he was looking pretty skinny. The twisting reignited the pain in his abdomen and lifting his t-shirt, he noted the purple bruising across his stomach and ribs. He barely acknowledged this however, having become increasingly accustomed to such a sight over the past five years.
He twisted the hot tap on but the water that came out was only vaguely warm. It was better than nothing though and he bent over the sink, scrubbing his face with his hands. Sticking his entire head under the stream of water he soaked his hair and squeezed a good quantity of pink soap into his hand from the dispenser. Standing up, rivulets of water dripping down his face and neck, he lathered the soap into his hair before washing in out again. Sirius noticed with satisfaction that the water ran slightly brown so he kept scrubbing until it was clear. He squeezed as much water out as possible, shook his head violently and then knelt under the hand-dryer to dry it properly.
Rubbing his hands through his now clean hair to remove the knots, he noticed for the first time that his hands were still shaking. Being busy with washing had occupied his mind for a few minutes but now he felt sick as his mind wandered back to the events of the night. Staring transfixed at his image in the mirror, Sirius tried to put his life into perspective.
It's not too bad…
There was no point trying to kid himself; he'd been through plenty of shit but this must have been the very lowest. All he wanted was a hot bath but… he dug his way through the pockets of his Levis. £4.00 and two cigarettes. But no lighter. It was enough for a coffee though so bracing himself, he unlocked the toilet door and emerged into a bluish light of dawn.
Sirius had no idea what the time was as he had been mugged of his watch long before but he guessed it was about 5am. He had taken refuge in the public toilets next to the park where it had happened. Glancing back towards the disused park, Sirius shuddered and the sickness returned so he marched in the opposite direction, desperate to find an all-night café.
He walked for five minutes before he found a suitably cheap one. Slipping inside, he glanced around, glad to find it almost empty. An old man sat at the counter and a couple of builder-like men sat at a table by the misty window. They watched Sirius as he went by and the hairs on the back of his neck prickled. He was getting paranoid. Heart still beating a little fast, he ordered a black coffee from the tired looking lady behind the till and rummaged in his pocket for £1.20. Paying her quickly, he moved to the very back of the café, far from any other person. Sirius tried a sip of the coffee, which wasn't nearly as good as what he was used to, and all he got was a burnt tongue. Instead, he held it to warm his hands and stared into the mugs black depths. His mind wandered involuntarily to the events of the previous night.
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It was past eleven o'clock so darkness had finally set in. Sirius was sat at his usual bench outside Soho Square wearing his scruffy Levi's and the same shirt he'd been in for three days. His clothes were still with Will at the squat but Sirius wasn't sure if he was welcomed back there yet. He was depressed and hungry, a situation only made worse by the busy McDonalds opposite him. He slouched back on the bench and stared about haughtily.
His stretch of pavement was relatively quiet and he was about to move on when a car pulled up in front of him. Sirius did a quick sweeping check of it; nice make, good condition. He knew very little about Muggle cars but knew the difference between nice ones and shit ones. He could expect a relatively well-off driver although he knew that this really meant nothing. The going rate was the going rate no matter who he was sucking off.
He stood up, suddenly feeling very tired and nonchalantly approached the driver's side of the car. The window wound down and Sirius lent towards it. The man who sat inside was middle-aged, slightly arrogant looking and, as Sirius had expected, dressed in a suit.
"Thirty pounds for a fuck and no more," the man snapped, clearly tense.
Sirius leant against the window frame and dipped one arm into the car, brushing his hand over the man's nipple. He sucked on his bottom lip and stared at the man seductively. "I can guarantee I'm worth forty."
The statement hung in the air as they maintained eye contact. Sirius rubbed the man's nipple once again, which seemed to clinch the deal.
"Ok, get in." The man jerked his head to the back seat of the car and Sirius got in. He sat back and tried not to look too tired as the car pulled away quickly as he now had to prove his worth.
The car travelled quickly through the hot London night. Sirius wondered briefly whether they were going to the man's house, a hotel or were going to make do with the car. As they pulled into a deserted and dark car park, Sirius decided it was the latter.
The man parked in the far corner so the car was hidden in the deep shadow of the neighbouring warehouse. Turning off the engine, they were plunged into silence for a brief moment before the man twisted round and clambered awkwardly over the front seats to where Sirius was sitting in the back.
With barely a pause, he grabbed Sirius and pulled him onto him, kissing him roughly and tugging at his own belt buckle.
Sirius responded to the rough mix of teeth and tongue fervently and hurriedly opened his own jeans, moving down to such the man's neck. His hands felt out the man's erection, which he stroked quickly while struggling to find the room to get down on his knees. He managed it and began to suck the man off while feeling powerful hands gripping his hair. The man's cock was pretty large and Sirius had to fight the familiar gagging reflex as he sucked the whole length at once.
Suddenly, he was pulled up and flipped over on the seat. Show time. He heard the man spit thickly onto his fingers, which were then roughly pushed one by one into him. Sirius stiffened briefly at the intrusion before pushing back against the pressure, hearing the man spit heavily onto him once again. The fingers disappeared and were replaced immediately with the thick head of the man's penis which pressed briefly against his tight opening before pushing all the way through.
Sirius and the man grunted in unison at the before the man, unable to contain himself, started pounding into him hard and fast. Sirius lent hard on the back door of the car for support and allowed his mind to slip into a state of numbness. He always switched himself off when he was with a guy in this sort of situation.
"Fuck," the man grunted. "So… uh… worth… forty quid," he gasped out, quickening his pace.
Sirius felt strong hands grip his narrow hips for support and he grasped the door harder to stop himself slipping off the seat. His mind wandered to Remus… poor Remus. Sirius suddenly felt sick. Swallowing hard, he moaned and squirmed as the man came inside him with a sudden hard thrust.
"Very good," the man grunted, slapping Sirius hard on the arse before turning away.
Sirius gritted his teeth and pulled up his jeans. He heard the rustle of money and turned to the man to take the forty pounds from him. Quickly checking them in the dim light, he shoved them thankfully into his pocket.
"Right, now get out," the man snapped, getting out of the back seat and back into the front one.
"Aren't you going to drop me back to Soho?" Sirius asked, surprised and annoyed.
"No. Get out." The man turned round menacingly in his seat to stare at Sirius.
Sirius scowled but knew better than to argue with him. He got out quickly and slammed the door angrily. The car drove away quickly, leaving Sirius alone in the dark car park. He stood still, listening to the sound of the engine fading. A siren echoed in the distance. Crossing his arms against the chilly wind, Sirius walked quickly out onto the pavement and towards what appeared to be a busier one than the empty street he currently walked. Kicking a can angrily out of his way he realised that he had no idea where he was and nowhere to go.
Reaching the main road, he realised with a jolt of thankfulness that he knew where he was. Brick Lane wasn't too far and therefore, neither was some sort of high. Slipping his hand into his pocket to feel the comforting rustle of the notes, Sirius walked quickly towards the rougher end of the street. It was much quieter here except for the constant stream of taxis and red buses speeding by.
Sirius hovered by a telephone box, hands in his pockets. It wasn't long before he spotted a car pulled up about twenty metres away, lights on but stationary. He stared at this for a few minutes before approaching it cautiously.
Whoever was inside wound down the window as Sirius approached, which he took as a promising sign. He knew by this point that the man was definitely a drug dealer but it was always best to be cautious.
The man inside leant towards him slightly out of the gloom of the car. His face was illuminated enough for Sirius to see him cock an eyebrow.
"Heroin", Sirius grunted, casting a nervous glance in both directions. "And grass," he added, passing both twenties through the window. The man rustled through a bag on the passenger seat before passing back two small plastic bags and five pounds change.
Sirius stuffed them hastily into his pocket and marched quickly in the opposite direction. He wanted to get away from the car quickly. Just in case. He spotted a newsagents ahead and made straight for it. Slipping inside, he smiled briefly at the girl behind the till, aware that she was hastily attempting to make her hair look nicer. He felt tired and ill and the only thought in his head was now concerned with the drugs in his back pocket. He grabbed a couple of Milkybars and a bottle of water.
Buying them quickly, Sirius walked towards a park he knew was nearby. He's spent hazy days the summer before there with Will. The iron bars of the park fence loomed up on the other side of the road. They looked slightly spooky in the darkness as Sirius went through the open gate. He stopped to watch and listen. The only sounds came from cars speeding through the night nearby and one set of hurried footsteps moving away. He couldn't see anyone either.
Spotting a bench against the far edge to the park, Sirius went over and sat down. Pulling out the Milkybars, he ate them quickly, saving the precious thin sheets of tin foil which he folded together neatly. Taking out the heroin, he carefully placed a couple of pinches of the precious brown powder on the foil, which was balanced precariously on his knee. Adding a couple of drops of water, he flicked open his lighter and held it close to the underneath of the foil. The heroin bubbled and melted, letting off a sweet smoke as it did.
Quickly, Sirius placed the foil back on his knee, ignoring the burning heat. He cupped his hands around it, leant over and inhaled the smoke. The sudden hit was fantastic. Sirius felt his stomach unknot and muscles he didn't know were clenched relaxed. His constant headache faded and he felt relatively happy. He didn't move for the next five minutes, staying hunched over the smoke and inhaling as much as possible. Too soon though, the heroin had all but burnt away.
Sirius sat back, content for once. The foil and bag of heroin fell to the floor. Eyes slipping shut, Sirius slid sideways onto the bench and fell asleep.
…
A heavy whack round the head half woke Sirius up and half knocked him unconscious again. He tried to shout out in alarm but the words caught in his throat as he was dragged suddenly off the bench by strong hands around his ankles. His cheekbone smashing painfully into the ground, he was pulled backwards further away from the path too quickly to try to put up a fight.
Flipped suddenly onto his back, the hands firmly holding him down, Sirius opened his eyes to see little more than the blackness of the night. His heart leapt as the vague outline of a man entered his peripheral vision. Opening his mouth to scream, he felt the icy sting of a blade pushed against his throat. The face loomed close to his. Sirius stared in horror into the shadowy eyes, the familiar wave of panic washing over him.
"Make one noise and you're dead," the man muttered in a guttural growl. "Now, I'll put something in your mouth and you'll take it," he said carefully.
Sirius clenched his eyes tightly shut, trying to block out the sound of heavy breathing and the unzipping of the man's trousers. He gulped, his heart pounding in his chest and half-heartedly struggled against the heavy weight of the body on him and painfully aware of the blade glinting nearby.
And quickly the man moved, stuffing his erect cock deep into Sirius' mouth. Unready and tense, he choked, coughing violently.
The man pulled out, wet streams of saliva hanging from him. "Shut it," he snarled, thrusting back down.
Sirius held back his chokes and tried to relax his throat but the bile built up anyway. His eyes streamed and he desperately fought his gagging reflex. The man pulled out again and Sirius coughed, threads of phlegm dripping over his face.
Grunting in pleasure, the man pushed suddenly back in and thrust himself to a climax, oblivious to Sirius' agony beneath him.
Sirius' hands gripped the long grass and he focused on the smell of the nearby foliage as he desperately tried to ignore the stranger's come spilling into his mouth. He swallowed automatically, used to it by now and knowing that he would never have been allowed to spit it out.
The man said nothing; Sirius faintly heard the sound of a zip being done up and suddenly, as quickly as he had arrived, the man was gone.
Sirius lay where he had been abandoned, unable to move an inch. His hands were still gripping the grass and his spit was still splattered over his face. He clenched his eyes shut and sat up slowly. He didn't even think he was going to be sick; he was too empty for that. Coughing hard, he wiped his sleeve over his mouth and stood up shakily, staggering to grip the back of the bench for support. Looking up, he saw no one in the park and only a couple of streetlights illuminated the unlocked door to a public toilet in the far corner.
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Sirius stared into his cold coffee, slightly choked. He no longer felt like he could stomach it. Although he had been forced into sex before, the suddenness of this attack had left him shaken.
Pushing his cup away, he stood up shakily and left the café only to be hit by the heavy rain which had suddenly started up. Running, his arms crossed against the weather, he ran back towards Brick Lane. Without thinking, he found himself near the squat. Realising this, he stopped suddenly on the street, his arms hanging limply at his side.
Panic rose in his throat as the realisation that he was completely alone. He looked back over his shoulder at the flickering light to an all-night fast food restaurant and then to an off-licence where a man was leaving, bag in hand.
Sirius's breath caught in his throat. It was Will. He was suddenly aware of the rain coursing down his face and his hair plastered to his forehead.
He watched Will glance around at the rain and put his hood up, before doing a slight double-take in Sirius' direction and freezing. Sirius knew there was no time to disappear; he had been seen. Will walked slowly towards him, fidgeting with the zip on his hoodie.
"Sirius?" It wasn't really a question although Will was shocked by how haggard Sirius was looking. "What are you doing here?"
A shadow of something crossed over Sirius face and he looked suddenly distressed.
"Sirius, are you ok?" Will stepped forward and gripped Sirius arm, which was noticeably thinner. Sirius stepped back.
"I didn't realised where I was," he said, still hardly believing that Will was there. He looked the same, as strong and reliable as ever. The light from the off-licence behind him lit up his fair brown hair, his brow was furrowed slightly in concern and he stared into Sirius' eyes.
The rain continued to pour. "Come back with me," Will said before realising how it sounded. Their relationship had ended badly and he didn't want to have to deal with Sirius again now that everything was settling down. "I'll sleep in the floor."
Sirius began to shake his head but Will muttered that it was still raining and dragged him down the road to the squat, which was in a large, slightly derelict Edwardian house off Brick Lane. Will pushed open the heavy door, pulled Sirius into the large, gloomy hallway and closed it behind them.
Sirius breathed in the comforting smell of damp and weed which had become so familiar to him over the past few years and felt more at home than he had in a while. He was beckoned up the stairs by Will, who led him up to the first floor. Burnt out candles lined every step as there was no electricity in the building. The small kitchen at the top of the stairs was illuminated by dawn light creeping in through the frosted window pane. A figure had their back to them and was filling a glass with water from a bottle. Sirius recognised the dyed blonde hair and froze in the doorway as Mark glanced over his shoulder to see who it was, eyes wide in surprise.
Will shook his head and kept moving, warning Mark not to make a bitchy comment as he usually would. He opened his bedroom door and moved aside as Sirius slowly walked inside, unsure what to do with himself. He shut the door behind him and moved quickly about the room lighting candles as the faint morning light didn't penetrate the heavy curtains.
"So how are you?" asked Will.
Sirius knew he hated small talk so he ignored the question. He stared at the calendar on the wall instead. "What's the date."
"The tenth of August," Will answered, standing awkwardly, not sure what to do. He stared at Sirius' gaunter frame and paler, more drawn features. He could recognise the tell-tale signs of heroin and felt sad but also faintly relieved that he had kicked Sirius out before he got dragged into the mess.
Sirius looked round at him in surprise. "Already?" he asked, slowly wandering towards the mattress on the floor in the far corner, staring at the new additions to the posters blue-tacked to the walls. He realised with a jolt that he had run away from home six weeks ago. It suddenly seemed like a long time to have been on the streets and the enormity of what he had done on the spur of the moment, when faced with his parents and an awful choice, crashed down around him. Staring up at a large poster of The Catcher in the Rye, he became acutely aware of the tears coursing down his cheeks and, finding his knees too weak to hold him, sat down heavily on the mattress, his shoulders heaving.
Will jumped in shock as Sirius broke down in tears, sitting down with his face in his hands. Will shakily climbed onto the mattress beside him and hugged the younger boy to his chest, feeling Sirius' hot tears soaking into his t-shirt. He made vague hushing noises but was acutely aware of the irony of anyone trying to play mother to Sirius when he had gone so long without a real one. He made do with rocking Sirius gently and wondered what had brought this on. He doubted he would ever know.
Will felt Sirius' sobs begin to subside slightly an took the opportunity to push him back to lie on the bed. Getting up quickly and blowing out all of the candles, Will pulled off his shoes, bent down and tugged of Sirius', and climbed onto the mattress behind him. He pulled a blanket over the two of them and then lay down, hugging Sirius' back to his chest and planting comforting kisses along the back of his neck. He breathed in Sirius' familiar smoky smell and felt him fall asleep in his arms.
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