Welcome, one and all, to the story written by Mrs. James Norrington, Beloved Winecask (formerly Danseur de Lame), and Lord of the Bees when they didn't know the principal was standing behind them! Inspired by The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but you needn't have read it. Don't expect a real plot, and blame all errors in typing on Mrs. James Norrington.


I – On Capes and Such

Preface

The Paris Opera House is big. Very big. You wouldn't believe how vastly, mind-bogglingly big it is. In addition to the spacious interior, there is a labyrinthine cellar… erm… roomy underground lair, that is full of ghosts, rats, ghosts, stagnant water, ghosts, and other fun things.

The authors would like to take a moment to wonder why, since the opera ghost supposedly lives in the cellar… erm… lair, everyone always looks up.

But we digress.

Despite the extensive size of the opera house, there is absolutely no room for those who cannot sing. This is where confusion arises. For more information, speak to one "Erik" aka "O. G.", who will be happy to explain if he does not kill you first.

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Part the First

The most useful thing an intra-opera house hitchhiker can have is a cape. A swishy, silky, terribly sexy cape, to be exact. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Opera House has this to say on the subject of capes:

"Swishy capes may serve a number of purposes. The most basic (though not necessarily obvious) use is as an article of clothing. For instance, it may be worn over the shoulder for dramatic effect.

Color should be dark and striking; red and black are nice choices. Black blends in well with the shadows, and is an ideal choice for sulking about pretending to be someone's daddy. Red does not blend in quite so well. In fact, a red cape is the proverbial red flag saying "shoot me, I'm a French revolutionary." However, red is an advantageous color for attending masquerade balls and/or plotting murder.

For more creative cape-wearers, one of the most useful properties of a cape is the ability to be whipped off the shoulder and onto the head of your adversary when you are cheating… erm… winning admirably at a swordfight. This creates confusion and distress, leaving you free to stab him, strangle him, or dump him in the nearest convenient torture chamber.

Capes are also useful for more pleasant purposes; say, an impromptu seduction. If it is large enough, it may be whipped around the seducee, leaving bystanders to deduce, from muffled bumps and noises, what exactly is going on beneath said cape.

If all else fails, and the muffled thumps and moans were the sound of you getting a sound kick and a black eye, you can always use your cape as a towel.

For more information on towels, see The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."


Dedication: To you, the reader, if you have made it this far! If you are bored and want more to read, we recommend the fiction of The Clarineteer, Sword Pen, Bastakils, Mrs. James Norrington, Danseur de Lame, Sidian Fire, Lord of the Bees, and Puppyelf.