-1Stay Here In My Heart
Chapter 1
Ring Ring Ring Ring
"Agh……." Jim groaned to himself as he rolled over in bed and clamped the pillow down over his face. There was no way that it was already time to wake up. He got so little sleep as it was that he didn't need anymore distraction than his own thoughts already were to keep him from getting a few precious hours of sleep.
I'm in love with you…
You have no idea….
I don't want to do that….I want to be more than that….
Are you really going to marry him?
Then he wonders if it's only his imagination and wishful hoping that causes him to see pain and sadness in her eyes as he slowly lets go of her hands and walks out of her life. These are the thoughts that have occupied almost every minute and hour of his life, waking and sleeping, since he left Scranton. He almost had succeeded in pushing those thoughts away completely until he received the news that he would be coming back to Scranton….to the memories….to her. He had found someone else. Someone beautiful and smart. Someone that could have any guy she wanted, but for some reason said "Yes" instead of "I can't". However, it was still someone that no matter how hard he tried to let her, could not seem to fill the emptiness that was in his heart.
He buried his face deeper into his pillow hoping it would help to block out the memory of a blue dress, her beautiful smile, the perfect kiss.
Jim peeked out from under the pillow at the clock on his desk. 3:28...the bright green numbers glared at him from the darkness of his room. "Why the hell am I still awake?" he said out loud. He had 4 hours until he had to get up. Four hours until he had to spend another day acting as though the dark haired girl that was boldly smiling at him from across the room was the one he really wanted to be with. Another day of ignoring the fact that the girl with the bright smile, soft red curls and amazing green eyes was sending shy glances his way. Another day of pretending that his heart didn't break a little every time he looked at her and was again reminded that he wasn't with her.
Ring Ring Ring Ring
The noise continued. It took Jim a minute to realize that the cheerful ringing sound that he was finding terribly annoying at the moment was coming from the cell phone that was on the table by his bed.
"Why on earth would someone be calling me at this hour?". Jim hurled the pillow off of his head and groaned as it hit the wall on the opposite side of the room. He leaned over to grab his phone just as the ringing stopped. Jim flipped open the phone and looked at a number that he didn't recognize flash on the screen
"Well, this is useless" he thought. Slowly Jim crawled out of bed. It was almost painful to think of getting up and having the prospect of another day at Dunder Mifflin and Dwight and stolen glances loom in front of him. Jim slowly made his way out of his room and down the stairs to the kitchen. The whole house was dark and made him feel even more alone. As he was reaching for a box of cereal from the top of the fridge he heard the faint beeping sound from his phone that signaled he had a voice mail. He flipped open the phone as he began to pour the cereal. He was surprised to hear Phyllis's voice on the other end.
"Jim? It's Phyllis. It's about Pam. There's been an accident. We are at Mercy Hospital…it's on Jefferson Ave. Call me when you get this". But Jim wasn't going to call Phyllis. He was already out the door and halfway to his car after the words Pam and accident registered in his head.
He slammed the car into reverse and was already speeding down the street when he realized how badly his hands were shaking. The thought passed through his head that it would have been much safer for him to wake Mark and have him drive to the hospital than for Jim to be driving at this moment. A million thoughts were racing through his head. "Pam…accident...what happened? Who was she with? Roy? Did he do something? Is she okay? Is she hurt? Why can't I drive any faster? Is she hurt? Why in the HELL didn't Phyllis give more details? Is it serious? Is she….?" No! He couldn't even bear to think of the end of that sentence. She had to be okay. Everything had to be fine. Luckily for Jim the roads in Scranton at this hour were pretty much empty so he didn't have to risk an accident. "Slow down…" he thought. "It's not going to do any good for you to get into an accident also". Up ahead Jim spied the sign for Mercy Hospital. He barreled into the parking lot and took the first spot he saw. He was running towards the entrance when he heard someone call out "Jim!!". He stopped and turned to find the voice. He saw Phyllis and Bob Vance sitting on a bench outside the entrance to the hospital.
"Phyllis! What happened? I got your message. Is she okay? Tell me what happened!" Jim couldn't remember a time when he had been more frantic. He had to stop and catch his breath. "It's okay Jim." Phyllis said calmly putting her arm around him. "Let's go inside. I'll explain on the way." Phyllis, Bob and Jim entered the hospital and headed for the elevator. Once inside Phyllis pushed a button and then turned to look at Jim. "Pam was in a car accident." Phyllis began. "I guess Roy was taking her home and they got into an argument. Roy wasn't watching the road and they swerved off the road and hit a tree." Jim felt like he had been punched in the gut. The image of Pam…sweet, beautiful Pam, in any sort of pain was killing him inside.
""The ambulance arrived not long after. She is pretty banged up." He began to feel numb as Phyllis continued. "Roy is okay. He just has a few cuts and bruises". The numb feeling in his gut was instantly replaced with boiling anger. He didn't give a crap how Roy was doing. Roy did this to her. Roy had had something that Jim wanted more than anything in the world and this is how he treated it. How he always treated it. It had always just been a matter of time until his anger was going to hurt her physically as much has it had emotionally.
"Well I have to see her. I have to talk to her." Jim said as the elevator stopped. As the door slid open he was stopped by Phyllis' hand on his arm.
"Jim you can't talk to her". Jim froze. "She is in a coma".
Chapter 2
Jim felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. It was hard to breathe and even harder to will his legs to keep standing. He was frozen to the ground unable to move, think or breathe.
"Jim?" Phyllis's soft, concerned voice cut through the choking silence that was engulfing him. "I know that this comes a shock. But the doctor said that all of her tests are looking good and that a coma is just the brains way of healing. He said there is no reason to believe that she won't come out of it in the next couple of days and be totally fine."
Phyllis's words were lost on him. The bounced off as if he were made of rubber. He couldn't even comprehend what she was saying. Before this, somewhere in the back corner of his mind there had always been a thought that at the smallest moments taught him to hope. A thought that told him that they were meant to be together. That somehow, they would find their way through all of this and the end result would be them…Jim and Pam…and because of it all they would be stronger and able to love each other in the way that they were meant too. But now, as the word coma sunk into his head that thought was slowly melting away and was replaced with "It's too late. Now I am too late".
He felt Phyllis take a hold of his arm and he allowed himself to be led down the sterile, white and cream hallway. The rounded a corner and stopped at a small waiting room filled with uncomfortable couches and old magazines. On one of the couches sat a woman with short, red hair tucked neatly behind her ears. Even though her head was slightly bowed Jim could see the redness around her eyes. She had a small bunch of tissues balled into her hand and she was mindlessly thumbing through an old People magazine. Even before she looked up Jim recognized her. His mind raced back to a day when he was excited to meet this woman. A day when Pam had been has happy as a child on Christmas day. Her excitement was contagious and Jim had felt some of it rubbing off on him.
"I'm excited to show her around. She really wants to meet everyone." Pam had said eagerly while they sat in the break room together.
"Oh yeah?" Jim had asked. "Good…cause I have lots of questions."
"Oh really?" she responded.
"Yes…like 'As a child did Pam show any traits that would lead to her future career as a receptionist"? He loved conversations like this with her. They were so easy. He loved how the sound of her laughter reached his ears and made him fall in love with her a little bit more.
He didn't know why he felt so nervous when he heard Pam squeal in excitement when her mom had walked into the office. He didn't know why there were knots in his stomach as he shot a smile to the camera and slowly made his way over to the reception desk. He didn't know why he was so terribly disappointed when Roy had walked in before he had had a chance to say hello. It wasn't until after Roy left and he overheard Pam's mom whisper softly "So, which one is Jim?" that he realized why he was able to feel so many emotions in the span of 30 seconds. Somewhere deep down inside of him existed that feeling that she somehow could feel even an ounce for him of what he felt for her. Hearing her mom whisper his name made his heart soar and helped him to believe, if only for awhile, that they had a chance.
As Phyllis, Bob and Jim entered the small waiting room the woman lifted her head and then stood to greet them. "Any news Mrs. Beesly?" Phyllis asked quietly. "No, nothing new" she answered in a voice barely above a whisper. Then she turned to Jim.
"You must be Jim." she said in the same soft voice, but he could hear a different tone than the one she had used when she spoke to Phyllis. It was a tone that someone uses when they talk to an old friend. Despite her haggard state her voice was filled with warmth and familiarity….just like Pam's. She extended her small hand and Jim took it softly. "Yes, I am. It's nice to finally meet you Mrs. Beesly." What a dumb thing to say! How could he possibly say it was nice to meet her when the reason they were meeting was because her daughter was in a coma. Just as he was deciding where he could dig a hole to hide in she answered "Call me Jenn. And it's nice to meet you too. It's about time."
The man that had been sitting on the couch next to Mrs. Beesly stood up next to her. He too was tall and thin with thick, curly hair. "Jim, this is my husband Richard". The man extended his hand and with the same warm voice said, "It's nice to meet you Jim. Finally. We are glad that you are here."
For a minute Jim felt like he was watching a play of these interactions. He felt that he was the audience and this was going on in front of him. How could he feel so welcomed by these people after 5 seconds. How could he already feel that he knew these people and even more so, how they knew him. Jim didn't know what to say. He wanted to ask all sorts of questions about Pam and the accident, but he was at a loss for words. Jenn Beesly seemed to sense this and she took the lead.
"Jim? Would you mind walking down to the cafeteria with me to get a cup of coffee?"
"Oh…sure. Yeah…that sounds good." Jim stuttered feeling like an idiot.
Jim followed Jenn out of the waiting room and down the hall. The hall was quiet except for the faint beeping coming from the rooms that lined it. He tried not to be obvious as he craned his neck trying to look into the rooms for a glimpse of her. "We really are glad that you are here". Jenn said, her soft voice breaking the silence. "Phyllis told us that she would try everything she could to reach you. She said that you would want to know."
"Of course I would want to know." Jim said softly. "She is my…..". His voice trailed off. He didn't even know what word would complete that sentence. Coworker? Best Friend? Soul Mate? Jenn stopped walking and turned to look at him.
He looked into her green eyes that were so identical to Pam's and she smiled and simply said, "I know".
Chapter 3
Jim followed Jenn into the empty cafeteria. Jim got two cups of coffee from the machine and joined Jenn at a small, metal table. They drank in silence for a few minutes, when Jim came to the realization that if he didn't know a couple of details about what had happened he would burst. He shifted in his chair and cleared his throat a couple of times. It was almost as if Jenn could read his mind. She put down her cup and started to talk.
"I guess you already know that Pam was in a car accident. Her and Roy were at some thing for his family. All we know is that he was on his way to take her home and they got into an argument about something….Roy wasn't clear on the details. All he said was that they were arguing and he was looking at her and when he looked up he was headed straight for a tree". Jenn's voice caught in her throat and Jim could see the tears building up in her eyes. "He said he tried to swerve, but it was too late. I don't really know what happened after that. Roy was okay because he got out of the truck and called 911. He was able to open the passenger door and unbuckle her. At least he had enough sense not to move her. The doctor said that if he had it could of snapped a vertebrae in her spine and she would have been paralyzed.
A huge lump formed in Jim's throat. He didn't want to picture any of this. The fact that she wasn't paralyzed caused the tiniest bit of hope to arise within him. He also found himself being slightly grateful for Roy and that he had actually thought enough not to damage her further. He could sense that Jenn was going to continue.
"The ambulance came quickly and on the way here Roy called us. He was alright. Just a few cuts and bruises and a cracked rib. Nothing too serious. As they were putting Pam into the ambulance Phyllis and Bob Vance just happened to be driving by and saw what happened. They followed the ambulance here and have been here ever since. They have been really helpful. They called us and we left right away. I am sure Richard broke about 10 traffic laws trying to get us here faster. We got here about 1:30 this morning. Luckily she didn't have to have any surgery. She has 2 broken ribs, a broken leg and some major cuts and bruises. The doctor said that she must of hit her head on the dashboard when they crashed and that is the reason for the coma."
Jim felt like he should finally try and say something constructive. "Phyllis said something about the doctor thinking she will come out alright." Geez, that sounded lame. She had just been in a car wreck. Of course she wasn't alright. His comment didn't seem to faze Jenn at all because she smiled, "Yes, he did say that. They did a head CT scan and he said that everything looks really good. It's just a matter of waiting. He said she was really lucky." Jenn paused, "I think there is a reason that she is supposed to stay here". Jim looked at her curiously, but he didn't have to even ask to know the answer.
Jenn gently laid her hand over the top of Jim's larger one. "I know Jim. I know about you and her. I know about what you told her." Jim was less surprised then he thought he would have been. He thought back to one of the countless IM conversations they had while pretending to work. .
They were playing a weird version of 20 questions that was actually just a question and answer session over IM. He had asked her who in her family she was closest too. She had said that she was always close to her dad…the whole Daddy's Girl thing. She also had a good relationship with her brother Rick. But she was the closest to her mom. "She is one of my very best friends" Pam had typed. "One of them". Jim had had a feeling that she was referring to him, but not wanting to read anything into it he typed back, "You rank your mom up there with Dwight don't you?" Pam had stuck her tongue out at him over the top of the reception desk and then her face broke into a huge smile.
Jenn's voice brought him back to the present. "Jim the thing that you need to know….the thing that Pam hasn't been able to tell you yet is that she always knew. Somewhere deep inside of her she always knew how you felt, because she felt it too." Jim felt his heart flutter, but he kept quiet. "Pam has never been known for her courageous nature, " Jenn said with a smile. "But I could see it in her…when she talked about you…and all that you shared. I could see that there was more to it than "just friends". That night…when you told her….she called me. I asked her flat out if she felt the same way for you. I could tell that it took every ounce of courage in her body to tell me that yes, she did feel the same way." Jim could feel the tears start to form in his eyes. He couldn't let himself cry in front of Pam's mom, a woman he had only know for 15 minutes and yet he knew that if he did, she wouldn't think anything of it. Jenn leaned in closer to him. "Then you were gone and her heart was broken. Just like I suspect yours was when she told you that she was going to marry Roy. She actually came by to see you once". Jim's head shot up. "What? When?" he asked. "Right after she broke up with Roy. We were out driving and talking and I told Pam that she should consider calling you and at least telling you that she called off the wedding. I thought maybe it would be your chance. We drove past your house and saw you loading boxes into a moving van. I think it broke her heart all over again."
Jim couldn't control himself anymore and he unashamedly let a small tear roll down his face. He could tell that Jenn immediately wondered if she had said too much. "Jim…I am so sorry. I am not telling you this to upset you. I don't want to do that. I am telling you this so you know. So you know that it wasn't over for her. Not then….and I am sure not now. I am sure you both have lots of questions and lots of things need to be answered. But that is something that the two of you need to work out…together."
Jim quickly wiped his eyes and ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair. "Thank you." he said. "It means……everything." he finished with a whisper. Then feeling more calm and confident then he had in a long time he looked at Jenn and said, "It's not over".
She smiled at him and stood up. "We should get back." she said. "I want to be there if anything changes". They started walking back down the quiet hallway to the waiting room. Jenn stopped in front of room 308. "You should go see her." she said pointing to the room. Jim stopped and stared at the door. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" he asked. "Of course it is. She is probably hoping you'll come." Jenn patted him on the arm and then continued down the hallway leaving him staring at the closed door.
Chapter 4
Jim took a deep breath and started to move towards the door. He didn't know why he was so nervous. He didn't know what he would do once he opened the door. He wished for a moment that Pam's mom had stayed with him. He almost turned around to call after her, but he couldn't bring himself to look away from the door. "One step at a time." he thought to himself. He carefully place his hand on the door handle and pushed. The door opened quietly and he stepped into the dark room. He didn't know exactly what he was expecting, but his breath immediately caught in his throat and tears filled his eyes the moment he saw her.
She was laying in the hospital bed with her left leg up a harness. There was a small table next to the bed with a vase of flowers and one of those Mylar balloons that said 'Get Well Soon'. The curtains over the window were opened so that the moon shone through and made soft patterns on the floor. He took a tentative step closer to the bed. She had a large bandage on her forehead over her right eye. There were a couple small cuts around her mouth and a long gash across her left cheek. Her small hands were lying still on the gray hospital blanket. There were several dark bruises on her arms. He wondered how on earth, that even with the bruises and cuts and bandages and IV's, she could still look beautiful. Her soft red curls were spread out over the pillow and through the cuts on her face he saw Pam….the Pam that he had watched so closely for so many years. This was the Pam that he knew secrets about and that knew ways to make him laugh when no one else could. He knew her favorite color, her favorite childhood memory and the way she liked her tea. He knew the face that she made after Michael said something stupid to her. He knew the mischievous look in her eye when she was helping him plot something to do to Dwight. He knew every roll of her eyes and what every change in her posture meant.
There was a small, black armchair next to the bed. Jim quietly moved towards it and sat down. As he looked at her lying there he ached to touch her. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and make the bruises and cuts go away. He wanted to see her smile at him and most of all he wanted to tell her that he loved her. Right now, he couldn't do any of that. All he could do was be here. He slowly took her hand in his and lightly brushed his thumb over the back of her hand. "Hi Pam". He whispered. He had always heard that people in coma's could hear what was going on around them even if they weren't conscious. He didn't know if that was true or not, but if it was….he wanted her to know that he was there. He didn't know what to say. His heart was bursting with 1000 words and feelings, but he knew that there would be time for that later. It was then…in the quiet of the room….alone with Pam that he let his tears fall. They were tears of sadness, regret, pain, worry and surprisingly they were tears of hope. There would be time for everything else.
He must have dozed off because he awoke with a start to his cell phone ringing. He gently squeezed Pam's hand and whispered "I'll be right back", then he quickly moved out of the room. He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was 7:45 am. He looked at the phone to see who was calling. The name 'Karen' flashed on the screen. "Oh crap." he thought. He had been so caught up in the emotion of the last few hours that he had forgotten about Karen. He flipped the phone open.
"Good Morning Halpert!!" Karen's bright cheerful voice filled his ears. "Do you want to ride to work together today?". He couldn't think of what to say. She must of sensed a meaning behind his long pause because she asked, "Is everything okay?".
He knew he had to answer her. "Actually, no…..everything isn't okay".
"Jim?"
"Pam was in a car accident. She is in the hospital…in a coma."
"Oh Jim…I'm sorry….", there was a long pause on her end and he knew what was coming next. "Are you there?".
He cleared his throat. He really wasn't in the mood for the conversation that would inevitably follow his answer. Maybe she would wait for awhile, but sooner or later the subject would be brought up for the 100th time and he would have to try to push his feelings aside to spare hers.
"Yes, I am here. Phyllis and Bob Vance were at the scene of the accident and they called me this morning. I've been here for awhile."
Another long pause….."So…..are you coming to work?"
"I don't think so. I am probably going to stay around here for awhile….see if anyone needs anything."
"Well isn't her family there? And Roy? What can you do that they can't do?"
He was starting to feel angry. That was the thing about Karen. She just didn't understand. Whether or not him and Pam ever got together didn't matter at this moment. For this moment Pam was his friend and he needed to be here for her.
For Jim to say that he was staying at the hospital with a girl that he had once had a "crush" on was an immediate red flag for Karen. She always knew deep down that he wasn't with her 100. If she was really honest with herself she would be able to say that she knew that Jim wasn't in love with her. She knew that part of his heart belonged to someone else and there was little to no chance of him ever giving it to her. Still she had to try. She wanted to fight for him. To show him that there was someone that wanted him back. Pam had never done that. She had said no. She lost her chance.
Jim could almost hear the conversation that Karen was having in her head. He knew she was desperately trying to hang on. He knew she was trying to make him love her. For a long time he had wanted to love her. He was in love with the idea of being in love with her. She was great. Fun and smart and beautiful. She was sophisticated and could show him things about life that he hadn't known before. But she wasn't Pam. He always felt so guilty because in his subconscious he was always comparing the two. He didn't mean too, it just happened. He had wanted to move on from Pam and he had really tried, but he could never shake the feeling that told him that he was still in love with her.
Michael and Andy had brought these two waitresses back from the restaurant. Michael like usual was laying it way too thick. After the girls ditched him…and stole his bike (Jim couldn't decide what he was more upset about) Jim found himself on the couch with Michael having a "heart to heart".
"Why do I feel like crap?" Michael asked.
"You just had a rebound." Jim said. "Which don't get me wrong…can be a really fun distraction…but when it's over…..your left thinking about the girl you really like…the one that broke your heart."
"Jim??" Karen's voice broke through his memory.
"Yeah…I'm here…sorry. I probably won't stay too long….I just want to be here in case….someone needs something. You know?"
"Yeah….I guess. What hospital are you at?" Karen sounded defeated, but as per usual she kept holding on.
"Mercy…."
"I'll call you around lunch. Maybe we can meet up?" She asked and he could hear the hopefulness returning to her voice.
"Yeah…maybe. Just give me a call."
"Okay! Talk to you later!!" There was a click and then she was gone. Jim let out a sigh. He knew that it was over and he knew that he had to tell her…today. He cared for her and knew that she didn't deserve to be hurt by him anymore than she already had.
Jim started to turn around to head back to Pam's room when he nearly bumped into Jenn and Richard. "Hey Jim. Glad to see that your still here." Richard said. "Yeah…I actually fell asleep in Pam's room for a while. Great watchman I am." Jim made a feeble attempt at a joke. Jenn and Richard both smiled.
"Do you feel like some breakfast?" Jenn asked.
"Sure…if you don't mind me joining you."
"We insist on it. Let us just stop in and see Pam first."
Richard and Jenn headed towards her room. Jim turned to go back to the waiting room thinking that they would want their time with her. He was stopped by Jenn's voice.
"Are you coming in?"
"Oh…um…." Jim stumbled.
"Come on….she needs all the support she can get right now." Jenn held the door open for him and he followed Richard into the room. Jenn took the seat by her daughters bed with Jim and Richard standing close by. She gingerly picked up her hand and gave it a little squeeze.
"Hey honey. It's Mom. Dad is here too….and Jim. I'm starting to believe all those nice things you said about him!" Richard cast a sideways smile at Jim and it felt good for Jim to smile back.
"We're going to go get some breakfast, but we will be back in a little while. We love you sweetheart."
Jim was touched by the softness of Jenn's voice and the obvious love for her daughter.
Richard walked over and carefully kissed his daughter on the head. "Love you." he mumbled quietly.
Jenn stood up and her and Richard headed towards the door. Jim looked at Pam one more time and whispered, "I'll be back."
Jim was sitting with Richard and Jenn at a table in the cafeteria mindlessly picking at what was described on the menu as an egg and cheese biscuit, but looked and tasted more like white rubber sandwiched between two hard pancakes. None of them had really touched their food.
"Mom! Dad!" a voice called from across the cafeteria.
Jim looked up to see a tall, thin man that looked about 30 walking quickly across the room to their table.
Jenn stood up. "Rick!" she called out as she quickly wrapped her arms around him. Richard also stood to hug the man.
"I came as soon as I could. I had to wait forever for a flight." Rick said. "How is she doing?"
"No change really. I am really glad you are here." Jenn said softly. Then she turned back to the table. "Oh Rick….this is Jim…Pam's friend."
Rick turned to Jim and Jim stood to shake his hand. "Hey man…it's nice to meet you. I'm Rick…Pam's brother." Rick said. "Jim…it's nice to meet you too."
The four of them sat back down at the table. Jim picked at his breakfast a bit more and then said, "I hope you'll excuse me, but I have to go make some phone calls."
"Of course." Richard said. "We're heading back up to Pam's room, so meet us up there when your done…if your up for it."
"I will….definitely. I'll just be a minute or two." Jim said.
He appreciated the way that her family seemed to include him as if they hadn't just met a few short hours earlier. They made him feel like they wanted him to be there. It reminded him of Pam. Even though she was shy she always tried to make people feel included.
Jim made his way outside to the parking lot. It actually felt good to be out in the morning light. The cool air was just what he needed to wake-up a little and feel refreshed. He dialed the number for Dunder Mifflin. He didn't think that anyone would answer, so he was surprised to hear Michaels voice on the other end of the line.
"Dunder Mifflin….this is the king…of paper…" Michael started off on a random conversation…with himself…that would undoubtedly twist into something dirty and end with 'That's what she said'.
Jim wasn't in the mood for this. "Michael," he cut in, "It's Jim."
"Oh hey slim Jim. What's up? I heard about Pamela. Is she okay? Phyllis told me what happened. What on earth? Is Roy there? Have you punched him?" Leave it to Michael to worry about the important things. Jim rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. "She is in a coma Michael. The doctor says she should come out of it in a day or two. I'm going to stay here at the hospital for awhile. I just wanted to let you know that I wouldn't be coming in today."
Then with the flip of a switch Michael turned from annoying and exasperating to calm and actually sensible. Jim wasn't sure how he could do that, but he always seemed to at the oddest moments…when jokes just REALLY weren't going to cut it.
"Of course, Jim. Phyllis told me you were there. I already had Toby start on paid emergency leave paperwork for you. Take as long as you need." Jim was surprised by the genuine thoughtfulness in Michaels voice.
"Oh thanks Michael….I appreciate that. I'll keep you posted on what happens."
"Please do. We're all worrying about her here. You know…she's part of the Dunder Mifflin family!!" Then quick has he had turned into "normal" Michael he turned back to the Michael that Jim was most used too. "Do you think Karen minds that your at the hospital for another woman? Is she mad? Is there going to be a fight? What if Karen hooks up with Roy to get back at you…"
"Good bye Michael…" Jim cut him off and hung up the phone.
It was then that a thought struck him. Michael had asked if Roy was there. Jenn had said that Roy was fine…just a few bruises…so why wasn't he here? Jim didn't know why he cared really, but it seemed to him that if you were the cause of the woman you "loved" being in a coma you would at least try to stick around to see what happened. Jim looked around the parking lot. It was mostly empty. He couldn't see the Vance Refrigeration truck anywhere so he assumed that Phyllis and Bob had gone home. He turned around to sit on the bench that was by the front door. He wasn't quite ready to go back inside yet. He flipped open his phone and quickly dialed another number.
"Dude…what the hell? What are you calling me so freakin' early?" The voice on the other end made Jim smile.
"Oh whatever Jon….it's almost 9:00. The real question is why are you still in bed? Don't you have one of those things called…a job?"
Jim really looked up to Jon. He couldn't have asked for a better big brother. Jon was his friend, confidant and partner in crime. Whenever they were together one would get a glimpse of what their poor mother must have had to deal with their whole childhood. Whenever they were together they were back to being boys. There was wrestling, teasing and sarcastic remarks constantly.
"I have the day off…..and I was planning on spending it sleeping. Although apparently that is not going to be an option anymore." Jon grumbled.
"Sorry man….didn't realize that you were so unbelievably lazy." Jim answered as he stretched his legs out in front of him. He was struck with the realization that he must look like a complete wreck. He was still wearing his gray plaid pajama bottoms and a faded University of Pennsylvania t-shirt. He looked down at his feet and snickered to himself. He had been in such a rush to get to the hospital that he had put on two different shoes.
"Naw…it's alright." Jon said. "What's up with you anyways? Aren't you busy selling paper or something equally exciting?"
"Oh shut up. At least my job allows me to work on my pranking skills. That's why I am so much better at it than you. I mean seriously Jon…you really suck."
"Yeah, yeah….you just remember that when you find your shoes glued to the floor again." Jon laughed. "So…slow morning?"
Jim cleared his throat. "No….actually I am at the hospital."
"What?! Why didn't you say that in the first place? Are you okay?"
"Yeah…I'm fine. It's Pam…" Jim knew that he didn't even have to explain who Pam was. Jon had been his go-to guy with everything Pam related. He was the one Jim called on the nights when Jim couldn't sleep because he was so mad at the world. The world that let a guy like Roy have a girl like Pam. Jon was the one that picked Jim up from Casino night when Jim was so brokenhearted that he knew driving himself home would end disastrously. Jon was the one who tried everything to stop Jim from moving to Stamford, but then finally just gave him a hug, said, "It will work out." and let him go. Jon had never met Pam before, but he knew that she had to be something really special to have that kind of hold on his brother.
"What happened?" Jim could hear Jon opening and shutting drawers and he knew that Jon was trying to get dressed so that he could come and help Jim in whatever way he could.
"She got in a car accident. She is in a coma." Jim muttered. Just that phrase "she is in a coma" made him want to cry and scream and punch a hole in the wall all the same time. He still couldn't believe that she was lying in a hospital bed unconscious.
"Where are you at?" Jon said.
"Mercy…"
"I'm on my way…" and with that the phone line went dead.
Chapter 5
Ding
Jim looked up at the neon numbers at the elevator stopped. Third floor. For a minute he seemed more nervous to get off the elevator now than he had this morning when he first arrived. The doors slid open and Jim shuffled out. He was now strangely aware of his appearance. While clothes and hair weren't normally things he put a lot of energy into, there was just something about mismatched shoes, faded pajamas and really bad bed head that made him self-conscious. He walked slowly down the hallway towards Pam's room. As he rounded the corner he stopped short.
Pam's parents and brother were all standing with their backs towards him talking to a man whose face Jim couldn't see clearly. As he approached, Rick shifted to the side and Jim had a plain view of the man.
It was Roy. He had one hand shoved in his pocket and the other was hanging loosely by his side. Jim could see a couple of cuts on his face, but they didn't look half as bad as the cuts that Pam had received from the accident. Richard was talking quietly. Roy had his eyes glued to the floor. Even though he couldn't hear it Jim could tell that the conversation was not a pleasant one. Jenn had her arms wrapped around her sides and he could hear her sniffling. Rick had his hands in his pockets and he looked very tense.
Jim didn't know if he should approach them or turn around and go back to the elevator. While he was trying to make up his mind Rick turned around and saw him. "Hey Jim." Rick said softly. Roy's eyes darted upwards to make contact with Jim's. Normally Jim avoided Roy. There was something about his muscular build and the look of constant edginess on his face that made him the last person Jim would want to seek out. Jim could see immediately that Roy had a problem with him being there. His hand had come out of his pocket and he kept balling it into a fist. "Is he seriously going to try and fight me now? Here? While she's in there like this?" Jim thought has he walked forward. Somehow though, now, he didn't care about Roy. He didn't care that Roy could probably pummel him into the ground. He didn't care about the look of anger that flashed across Roy's face. He just didn't care about any of it anymore.
"Hey." he said to Rick as he came to a stop beside Pam's mom. Jenn looked at her and he was concerned at the tears that were slowly falling from her eyes. "Is everything okay?"
"No change." Richard whispered. "She's the same".
"Halpert…." The low sound of Roy growling his name made Jim look up at him.
"Roy…." he said looking Roy square in the eyes.
Jim could see his muscles tensing up. "What the hell are you doing here?" Roy asked.
Before Jim could answer, Jenn stepped in. "Jim is here because he cares about Pam. He is here because that is what Pam needs."
"Always have to be the hero…don't you Halpert?" Roy said taking a step towards him.
"Lay off Roy…" Rick interjected.
Jim felt a surge of anger deep inside of him. Pam was in the hospital…in a coma…because of an accident she was in…with Roy and all Roy seemed to care about was the fact that Jim was here and how that in some way diminished his manhood.
"It's your fault." Roy continued. "It's your fault this happened….that she's in there. It's all your fault."
"Oh really?" Jim asked. "How is this my fault?" He wanted to add "I wasn't driving the car", but he stopped himself. He didn't want add anymore to the situation.
"You just had to tell her. You just had to tell her about your stupid crush. You just couldn't go and find someone else. You had to have her. I always knew it was something. Even though she tried to tell me it wasn't. She always tried to play it off, but I knew there was something there." Jim thought that Roy was giving himself too much credit. He didn't know anything about Pam. She was a thing to him…not a person and Jim couldn't believe that Roy actually paid enough attention to her to know about any of her feelings. He could see the anger rising in Roy. He balled his fist together more furiously and his face was turning red.
"As if it wasn't enough to make a play for my fiancé by telling her you had a thing for her you had to go and kiss her too. What the HELL was that about?"
Jim knew that this was going too far. He watched Roy move closer and closer to him, raising his arm and began to brace himself for a punch. When Roy was about a foot from Jim, Richard suddenly stepped between them.
"Get out of here Roy." he said calmly. His words made Roy stop dead in his tracks.
"What?" Roy asked.
"Get out of here. Leave…go home. She doesn't need you here…doing this. She doesn't need you doing this to her anymore." Jim was surprised at how calm and even Richard's tone was despite the fact that Roy was twice his size. Roy looked crestfallen. He dropped his arm weekly to his side and took a step back. "Richard….Jenn…." he faltered.
"Go Roy. She will be fine." Jenn looked at Jim. "Now, she will be just fine."
Roy's shoulders slumped and Jim couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. 10 years of his life was gone just like that. Roy cast one more pitiful glance at the Beesly's, but didn't dare to look at Jim.
"Tell her I'm sorry. I am so sorry." he muttered and with that he turned and walked away without looking back.
Jim let out a sigh of relief and was a little embarrassed by the knowing smile that Rick cast his way. Richard and Jenn turned and walked into Pam's room. "You coming?" Rick asked. "Yeah…of course." Jim said and followed him in.
The sun was shining through the window and creating a soft glow on Pam's face. "She looks like she has some color." Jenn said sitting in the chair by the bed. Richard and Rick both slumped onto the matching couch that was in the room. Jim took the other arm chair. "You must be exhausted Jim." Richard said turning to look at him. "I'm sure we all are." Jim said. "Jenn…maybe we should go to Pam's…shower…maybe take a quick nap…eat some real food." Richard whispered softly to his wife. "We can't leave her here by herself." Jenn responded. "I'll stay mom." Rick said standing up and putting his hand gently on Jenn's shoulder. "You guys go over to the apartment. Change…eat…and then come back. I'll call you immediately if anything changes."
Jenn seemed unsure about the thought of leaving Pam, but she finally agreed.
"What about you Jim? You want to take a little break?" Richard asked, standing and taking his wife's hand.
Jim looked down at his rumpled clothes. "Well despite how nicely I dressed up…I am sure you all would appreciate it if I took a shower."
Jenn and Richard both laughed. "Well now that you mention it….."
Jim grinned at them. "Can you please call me if anything changes?" Jim asked Rick.
"Of course….what yours number?" Rick quickly programmed Jim's number into his phone.
"I'll be back soon." he said. "Thanks Jim," Jenn said stepping forward to give him a hug. "It really means a lot that you're here."
"Do you need me to get anything?" Jim asked.
"Naw…we should be okay. Thanks. We'll see you back here in a couple of hours." Jenn gave Rick a hug and then followed Richard from the room.
"I'll see you later." Jim said to Rick as he headed towards the door.
"Yeah….definitely. Hey Jim?" Jim stopped and turned around. "She's going to be okay. I just know it." Rick smiled at Jim and then sat down in the chair next to his sister's bed.
"Yeah…she will." Jim said and walked out of the room.
As Jim was walking down the hall to the elevator he heard someone call out his name. He turned to find Jon rushing towards him. "Hey!" Jon called out. "Any news?"
"No…nothing new." Jim said giving his brother a quick hug. "her brother is with her now. Her parents left to go change and I was thinking I should go do the same."
Jon looked at his brothers scruffy face and wrinkled clothes. "Probably a good idea. You don't want her to see you like this! Come on…I'll drive you home."
Jim followed Jon out to the parking lot. He half expected Roy to be out there waiting for him, but he wasn't. Jim climbed into Jon's car and closed his eyes as he rested his head back against the seat.
Chapter 6
Jim was dead asleep by the time Jon pulled into his driveway. His eyes opened slowly as Jon turned off the car.
"Hey…we're here." Jon said getting out of the car.
Jim opened the passenger door and climbed out. He was surprised how refreshed a 15 minute power nap helped him feel. He stretched his arms up over his head and walked towards the house.
"Want me to make you something to eat?" Jon asked as Jim unlocked the front door.
"Oh…yeah…sure." Jim said throwing his keys onto the table by the door. "I'm going to go grab a shower."
Jon nodded and headed into the kitchen as Jim went upstairs. Once in the privacy of his room he sat down on the bed to collect his thoughts. He tried to think of what he was going to say to Karen. Would she understand? In his heart of hearts he knew that he had never wanted to hurt her. She had been good to him….good for him in a lot of ways. But, she needed someone that could give her all she deserved and he knew that he wasn't that person.
Jim peeled off his t-shirt and threw it into the hamper. When he walked into the bathroom he stared at himself in the mirror. He looked exhausted. There was dark stubble covering his face and his hair was sticking out in more directions than he thought was possible. Pam's parents must of thought he was a total disaster. He got into the shower and let the steaming water run over him. "She has to come back." he thought. "She needs to know that I still love her….that I never stopped loving her."
Memories of the past few months were racing through his mind.
She had seemed so excited to tell him of her idea for the CIA prank against Dwight at Christmastime. After his quick dismissal of the idea he could see the disappointment cloud her face. It hurt him so much to know that he had consciously caused her pain. He had really wanted to join her in her prank. He had wanted to spend that time with her and maybe find some remnant of the relationship they used to have. But in spite of all that he wanted, he knew that if he gave into any of those feelings then he would be right back where he started. A place that he had tried so hard to move away from.
There was a look of sadness and regret that he saw in her eyes as he danced with Karen at Phyllis's wedding. He was having a good time at the wedding. He was in the middle of a whole "wedding crashers" prank on Dwight and Karen had put her cell phone down for long enough to carry on a decent conversation with him. Also, he couldn't help but notice how beautiful Pam looked in the brown dress with her hair curling softly around her face. He was asking Karen what she thought the chances were that Kevin's band knew a song by anyone other than Sting. He smiled down at her when she laughed, but then his eyes drifted upwards….and found hers. She looked embarrassed to have been caught looking at him. Her eyes quickly darted away, but not before sending him a look that he read as, "Why?". He watched her hurriedly walk out of the room and felt a twinge of anguish creep into his heart. Later as he watched her leave with Roy that twinge deepened into a painful wrenching inside his gut. They were never going to get their chance he thought sadly. They were never going to get to see how good they could have been together.
As he turned off the water and climbed out of the shower he thought for the first time, in a long time, that maybe now….finally, they would get their chance. Jim quickly pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a blue long sleeved t-shirt. He rummaged through his closet for matching shoes. As he was tying the lace on his shoe his cell phone began to ring again.
"Hello?" he answered as he quickly ran a small bit of mousse through his hair. He wanted to give a better impression to Pam's parents this time around.
"Hey," Karen's voice came through the phone. "How is everything?"
"Nothing's changed." Jim said. "I came home to shower and now I am heading back over there."
"Oh….well….I just thought I'd check in. I'll call you in awhile."
"Thanks…..sounds good. Bye." Jim hung up and stuck the phone in his pocket. As he headed out of his room a flash of gold caught his eye. It was a gold medal carefully crafted out of a yogurt lid and some paper clips. He had hung it over his desk lamp that night after the Office Olympics. He smiled every time he saw it because it helped him to think of great times with her. That little token reminded him of cokes, pencil cups in vending machines, air high fives, grilled cheese sandwiches on the roof and her excitement over paper doves. It reminded him of teapots and hot sauce packets, Desert Island movies, jellybeans and her head softly resting on his shoulder. He carefully picked up the medal from around his lamp and put it into his pocket. Maybe it would help to remind her of all those things too.
"Dude…you are going to be so impressed." Jon said as Jim entered the kitchen.
"Why? Because you didn't burn my house down?" Jim joked as he sat down on a bar stool.
"If you want one of my world famous omelets I suggest you take that remark and shove it…." Jon laughed placing a plate down in front of Jim.
"Thanks man…" Jim hadn't realized how hungry he was until the scent of warm ham, eggs and cheese reached him. He ate the omelet in about 4 bites and followed it with a big gulp of OJ.
"Well I think I should get back to the hospital." he said standing up and taking his dishes to the sink.
"Yeah, of course." Jon set his plate in the sink on top of Jim's and they headed for the door.
"I feel like I should stop and get her something…you know…like flowers…or something." Jim said as he opened the door to the car.
"That'd be cool. Let's stop at the store on our way." Jon started the car and backed out of the driveway.
Jim was amazed as he stared into a refrigerated case of flowers at Scott's Grocery Store. Scott's was right around the corner from the hospital, so Jon decided that it seemed like a good choice.
"There are so many flowers." Jim muttered. "Out of all the things that I know about her you would think that I would remember her favorite flower."
"Man you really dropped the ball on this one. Flowers always have a meaning. Get her the wrong ones and you could be telling her that she smells like rotten cheese." Jon said.
"Oh…my…gosh, Jon. That is by far the most useless thing that you have ever said….well at least in the last 5 minutes." Jim laughed.
"It's not useless…it's true. Remember Wendy Miller? I bought her yellow roses once because her favorite color was yellow and I thought I was being all romantic and crap. Well she totally dumped me because apparently yellow roses imply friendship and since we had been dating for 3 whole weeks she was pissed that I didn't get red and declare my undying love for her."
"You dated Wendy Miller in 10th grade. You were still playing with GI Joes. How could you express your undying love for anyone?"
"True and I have become much wiser since then. But you ARE in love and you want these flowers to say something."
"And not that she smells like rotting dairy….I got it." Jim looked around for someone that could help him.
A small, white haired woman was walking towards him carrying a vase. She looked like just the person that would know something about the deeper meaning of flowers that Jon was talking about.
"Excuse me?" Jim said quietly as the woman approached. "I am trying to buy flowers for a very special person. My brother told me that all these flowers have different meanings and I want to get her some that mean something nice…not like the flower of anger or whatever."
"Of course!" the woman smiled brightly. "Let's see what the choices are." She studied each bouquet of flowers closely. "Is this your girlfriend? Wife? Friend? Mother?" she inquired to Jim. "Oh geez," Jim thought. "If I don't even know…how can I explain it to her. Does she have a few hours for a story?"
Luckily Jon saved him by saying, "Girlfriend….and best friend."
"Ah…here's just the thing." she said picking up a large bouquet of what looked to Jim to just be a bunch of pink flowers.
The door to the office opened and shut consistently all day long. Every time the door would swing open he could see her eyes glance up hopefully only to return to her computer with more disappointment then the time before. It was times like these that made Jim hate Roy. He always thought he was the guy that never hated anyone. He was pretty relaxed and could usually make a friend or two wherever he went, but not Roy. Roy pissed him off to no end. Here this jerk had the most beautiful girl in the world just aching for a second of his attention and he didn't even care enough to send her some lousy roses on Valentine's Day. He hurt for her as she watched vase after vase of flowers be delivered to other people in the office, but never to her. As the day came to a close he couldn't help but think, for the millionth time, how things would be different if she was with him instead of Roy. He would never forget to get her flowers for Valentines day…or any other day. He would never belittle her thoughts and dreams in private, let alone in front of his friends and co-workers. He would never….but then he realized that it didn't matter. She was with Roy, not him and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.
"Heading out?" she asked had he shut his computer off.
"Yeah…." he said taking his coat and scarf from the coat rack by her desk. "Alright Beesly…..hey…Happy Valentines Day."
"Okay," the woman said, handing the bouquet to Jim. "These are lilies. They mean friendship and devotion. These are germinis…the actually mean doing something foolish, but a lot of times that is what love is right?" Jim was surprised at how precisely flowers could describe his and Pam's relationship. "And these…" she continued, "are tulips and they mean perfect love." Perfect love? That is what a second chance was going to give them. A chance at love. Jim smiled at her.
"This is absolutely perfect." he said. "Thank you…so much."
"Of course dear! She'll love them!" and with that she walked away.
"Alright, I'm ready." Jim told Jon as he grabbed a small card to go with the flowers.
Once they were in the car Jim tried to focus on what to say in the card. He had plenty to say, but it needed to come from him personally…not written in a card. 'I love you'…too much? 'You're the only one for me'….too cheesy. Finally he scribbled something down on the card. Just before sliding it into the envelope he read it once more…just to make sure.
Pam,
It's our turn.
Love,
Jim
Chapter 7
"Do you want me to come hang out for awhile?" Jon asked as he pulled up in front of the hospital.
"No…that's okay. I'll just be sitting around. You've done enough already. Thanks for coming man." Jim said as he started to get out of the car.
"It's nothing. Call me as soon as anything changes."
"Thanks….I will. See ya." Jim shut the door and waved as Jon drove off. He checked to see that the card was stuck inside the flowers and made his way into the hospital. He took the elevator up to the third floor and started down the corridor to Pam's room. He didn't see Jenn or Richard, so he quietly knocked on the door. Richard opened it.
"Hey Jim! Your back! Come on in. We just got here a few minutes ago."
Jim walked into the room and saw Rick sleeping on the couch and Jenn reading a magazine in the chair beside Pam's bed.
"Any change?" Jim asked.
"Not really," Richard replied. "But, the doctor says that her vitals are a bit stronger so that's a good sign."
"Jim! Those flowers are beautiful!" Jenn said rising to give Jim a hug.
"Thanks…hope she'll like them." Jim set the vase of flowers down on the table by Pam's bed. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out the gold medal. He carefully placed it around the vase. He couldn't tell if Richard or Jenn noticed, but if they did they didn't say anything. They just seemed to know that it was something that was important.
Rick sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Hey Jim. When did you get back?"
"Just now. How's it going?"
"Good….except for this couch is extremely uncomfortable."
"Well we had our turn to rest." Jenn said going to sit by Rick on the couch. She motioned for Jim to take the seat next to Pam's bed. "Why don't you run over to Pam's and take a nap. Your probably jetlagged after your flight."
"Yeah…maybe I will. Call me with anything though." Rick stood up and stretched.
"We will. See you in a little bit."
Jim waved as Rick walked out of the room. Then he turned his attention to Pam. In the daylight he could see the cuts and bruises on her face more clearly. He reached out and gently touched her cheek. "Hey…" he whispered softly.
Jenn watched Jim intently. It was amazing to her that even though they had just made Jim earlier that day she could already tell that he was more suited for her daughter than Roy had ever been. She leaned close to Richard and whispered, "Let's give them a while." Richard nodded. "Hey Jim, do you mind staying here while we run down and grab some coffee?"
"No, of course not. You guys take your time."
Jenn patted Jim on the shoulder and then followed Richard out of the room.
When he heard the door close he moved the chair a little bit closer to Pam. He took her hand in his and held it gently. "I brought you something." he said. "I know the card is a little corny, but romantic lines have never been a strong point of mine." Tears began to well up in his eyes and he looked down at her beautiful face. He lifted her hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss against it. "Come on Pam….you have to come back. I need you. I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything." He moved the chair even closer so that he could touch her hair. He began to stroke it softly. He couldn't cry right now. He just wanted to talk to her. "Did I ever tell you about sending Dwight faxes from future Dwight? Or about the time that I put Andy's stapler in Jell-O. Man…that guy can not take a joke. He flipped out!! Just like he did when he went all Rocky during Oscar's welcome back party…which by the way had to be one of the funniest things I've ever seen." Jim was so engrossed in talking to Pam that he didn't hear the door open. He stopped talking when he heard a light tapping. He turned around to find Karen standing in the doorway.
"Hey…" she said softly.
"Hey…" Jim carefully let go of Pam's hand and stood up. "What are you….", but before he could finish Karen held up a hand to stop him. "I just came to see if you were okay." She cast a glance over his shoulder at Pam. "Jim….I understand now. I understand why you have to be here. I understand why there was always a part of you that you couldn't share with me. It's her. It's always been her.
"Karen…I am so sorry."
Karen smiled weakly, "It's okay Jim. Really. I couldn't understand it before…but now…seeing you with her…like this. I understand and it's okay. I'm okay."
Karen stepped closer to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I hope she'll be good to you."
She took a step back and smiled at him again. "Good bye Halpert."
"Goodbye Karen." And just like that she was gone. Jim knew at that moment that he would always be grateful to Karen. He would always appreciate the things that she taught him, but most of all he would appreciate the fact that she let him go. He couldn't quite put into words what he felt for Karen right then. He just knew he was grateful.
Jim quietly shut the door and returned to the seat by Pam. He took her hand in his and leaned over and softly kissed her head. "I love you Pam." He started talking to her about all the memories they shared together. He talked about pranks on Dwight and yearbook photos. He talked about Flonkerton and alliances and how funny the frustrated look on her face was when she had tried to help him move Dwight's desk into the men's room. He laughed out loud at some of the memories, remembering how her whole face would light up when she laughed. Then he just sat with her in silence. He just held onto her hand never wanting to let go.
It was a good hour or so before Jenn and Richard returned. The time passed by slowly as they kept watch by Pam's bedside. They talked and laughed as they shared stories of Pam. Jim told them about putting Dwight's resume on and about how Pam had done a Darth Vader impression over the intercom at the grocery store. Jim listened intently as Jenn and Richard told stories from Pam's childhood, feeling as though he was able to finally catch a glimpse of what made her into the girl he fell in love with. Jenn couldn't help, but stare at Jim while they were talking. She noticed the smile that was in his eyes when he spoke of Pam. She loved the way that Jim tenderly held her daughter's hand and hoped that perhaps in some way Pam could feel that he was there.
It was about 4:00 when Rick returned to the hospital.
"I brought food!" he said setting down a box of pizza and a 6-pack of coke on the table. As Richard opened the pizza box Jim's cell phone began to ring.
"Excuse me for a minute." he said as he quickly stepped out of the room.
"Hello?" he
answered as he walked down the hall. At the end of the hall
was a
set of double doors. Through the doors was a small rooftop garden.
Jim walked to the closest bench and sat down.
"Jim…it's Phyllis." the voice on the other end of the phone began.
"Hey
Phyllis. How are you?" "Good….just calling to check on
Pam."
"Oh yeah…well nothing's really changed.
They did say that her vitals were a little better so that was
reassuring I guess." Jim said dryly, a lump catching in his
throat.
"Think positively Jim. She'll come out. She'll be okay."
Jim wished that he could have Phyllis's
optimism. "Yeah….I hope so. I'll call you if anything
changes." "I'm
sure it would be fine. Let me check with Pam's parents and I will
call you back." "That'd be great. Thanks. Oh and Jim….it
will be okay."
"Please do. We wanted to stop by with
some flowers. Do you think that would be okay?"
"Thanks Phyllis. I'll call you
back in a few minutes." Jim hung up the phone and looked around
the garden. It was beautiful. There were trees and flowers
everywhere. There was even a little stream that ran beside the
pathway that crossed back and forth across the garden. Out in the
distance he could see the tops of buildings dotting the horizon. Pam
would love this, the thought to himself. As much as he tried to push
them away, tears began to fill his eyes. He rested his forearms on
his knees and dropped his head down. Running his fingers through his
hair he was struck with the sudden realization of what it would mean
if she didn't wake up. He couldn't bear the thought of what he
would do without her. He felt the tears begin to stream down his
cheeks. His heart was throbbing in his chest and he felt as if the
wind had been knocked out of him. "I can't think like
this….this isn't helping." he tried to tell himself. "This
is ridiculous….she's going to be fine."
"Jim?" a voice jolted him out of his thoughts.
He quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and looked up to find Rick standing in front of him.
"Hey…sorry I was just…." Jim faltered when he noticed the paled look on Rick's face. He quickly rose to his feet. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"
"No Jim…it's fine." Rick said with a smile. "It's just….she's awake."
Chapter 8
Jim felt as if his heart was going to leap right out of his chest. Did he hear Rick right?
"What?" he asked slowly.
"Come on! She's awake." Rick said and motioned for Jim to follow him. They raced through the doors towards Pam's room.
Jim slowed as they neared the room. "What's wrong?" Rick asked. Jim thought for about 2 seconds that maybe her family should have these first moments with her. Rick must have sensed the reason for Jim's hesitation. "Get in here….she's going to want to see you." A thousand different emotions flooded through Jim's body as Rick pushed open the door. He tentatively followed Rick into the room. He saw Pam's parents and a couple of doctors standing around her bed.
"Hey!" Rick said softly. Jenn and Richard turned around. "I brought someone to see you."
The doctor that was blocking Pam from Jim's view took a step to the side and suddenly there she was. She was sitting up a bit, propped up by the hospital bed and a couple of pillows. She turned her head towards him as he approached the bed and instantly her face broke into a smile.
"Hi…." Jim said breathlessly taking another step towards her bed.
"Hey…" she said slowly. He smiled as he watched her hold out her hand to him. It was almost as if time stood still when he grasped her small hand in his. His hands had been shaking, but the minute their fingers touched they stopped.
"Welcome back Beesly. We've missed you!" His eyes locked with hers and he knew that this was it. Now they were going to get their chance. "How are you feeling?" he asked sitting down in the chair next to her bed.
"Okay…a little thirsty." she said drowsily. Her eyes closed for a minute, but she still held tightly to his hand.
"I think it's best if we let her rest." the doctor said. "She should be more alert tomorrow." Jim didn't want to leave her, but he figured that the sooner she got rest the sooner she would be back to her old self. He reached over and gently brushed a curl away from her forehead. "I'll be back first thing in the morning." he whispered. A small smile crept over her face. "Promise?" she asked opening her eyes again to look at him. "Absolutely I do." he kissed the back of her hand and then gradually let it go. He watched as her eyes fluttered closed again, but the smile never left her lips.
Jim followed the Beesly's out into the hallway. There were hugs and tears all around as they celebrated the good news. They were all standing in the hallway unsure of what to do next. None of them wanted to leave, but they weren't of any help staying at the hospital then either.
"Maybe we should go get some dinner." Rick suggested.
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." Jenn said. "Jim? You going to join us?"
"Sure!" Jim said excitedly. He hadn't meant to sound so exuberant, but he couldn't contain all the feelings he was having. He felt like running and screaming and crying and laughing all at once.
"Know of any good places Jim?" Richard asked.
Jim named a few choices and they finally decided on Cooper's. Jim offered to drive since he knew his way around Scranton. As they drove to the restaurant they talked excitedly about what the next few days would bring.
"The doctors say she is going to have to stay in the hospital for a few days." Jenn said. "Probably about a week. They want to check that she has regained all of her motor skills to make sure that she doesn't need physical therapy or anything, but he said that there is no reason to expect that she won't recover as good as new."
They all enjoyed a pleasant dinner at Cooper's. The stress and tension that had built up from the previous couple of days had evaporated. Conversation between the Beesly's and Jim was easy and flowed effortlessly. He felt like he had been apart of their family for years. After they had finished their meal Rick and Richard headed over to the bar to check out the score of the 76ers game. Jim let out a contended sigh. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this happy.
"Good ending to the day." Jenn said from across the table.
"Absolutely…I am so glad that she is okay." Jim said taking a sip of his soda. Suddenly a thought crossed his mind. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"Can I ask what she told you about me? Before that night….after that night….ever?!"
"I wouldn't even know where to start. The first time I remember hearing about you was right after you started working together. She called me and said that she had made a new friend in the office which was great since she has always been so shy. She said you went out to lunch and had a great time."
Jim thought back to that first lunch at Cuginos. He had never met anyone like her and was as nervous as a teenage boy getting up the courage to ask his dream girl out for the first time. Lunch had been easy. They talked and laughed like they were old friends. Then he saw the ring. The sparkle of it on her left hand made the excitement deflate out of him. Of course she would be taken. Why had he thought that a girl like this would be available. He tried to keep his distance for awhile after that. Hoping that it would kill the crush he had developed, but it didn't last long. A few days after that lunch they played their first prank on Dwight and it all took off from there.
"Every so often…" Jenn continued, "she would tell us of something funny that you said or something that you guys had done that made her laugh. Finally I asked her if this was getting to be more than just a friendship. She said no, but I could tell in her eyes that wasn't the whole story. You see Jim, Roy was the first boy Pam loved…but they were both so young when they met that when people grow up they can also grow apart. About 5 years ago I could tell that things weren't the same with them. When I'd call and ask how he was doing it was always the same answer..'Oh, you know…he's okay.' She expressed to me her frustrations about his drinking and late night poker games."
Jim took another sip of his soda and waited for her to continue.
"The more time passed the more sadness I could see in her eyes. Not all the time, but there were moments when I would look at her and I couldn't see Pam anymore. She was someone that was trying so desperately to hang on to something, that she had lost herself in the process. The stories about you became more frequent, because I think that was something good that she had to help her loneliness. Then I got the call…from that casino thing. Like I said before….she told me about what you said and I finally just had to ask her if she was in love with you too. All she said was… Yeah mom…I think I am. I knew that it was always inside of her and she knew that it was up to her to change where her life was going, but she had to find the courage to do that herself…I couldn't help her…you couldn't help her. No one could."
Jim was surprised. He saw that she had been talking to someone on the phone when he walked into the dark office that night, but he was couldn't stop moving towards her, for fear that he would lose the courage to do what he had been wanting to do for years.
"I should of given her a chance…." he said quietly. "I piled all that onto her at once and the minute she didn't respond the way I wanted her too I was gone. I don't know what I was expecting her to do."
"I am sure you probably just give wanted her to give you any inclination that she could possibly feel the same way. I think that is a conversation that you two need to have though. Get those questions answered so that you can move on. Jim, I don't even have to hear you say the words to know that you love her. I can see it every time you look at her. She can see it too."
"I hope so. I hope I can help her see what a great person she is. She deserves that you know?"
"Thank you Jim. Thank you for being her friend and loving her so much…for her." Jenn leaned across the table and squeezed Jim's hand. "That's one thing every mother wants for her children. For someone special to see the best in them and love them for it."
Not long after Richard and Rick came back to the table talking about the highlights of the game. Jim and the Beesly's stayed at the restaurant for almost another hour just talking and getting to know each other better. Finally, sensing some impatience from their waiter they stood up to leave.
"Guess we'll go sleep at Pam's tonight." Richard said putting on his coat. "Then head back over the hospital first thing in the morning?"
"I really can't leave her here alone." Jenn said. "What if she wakes up and needs something? How about you and Rick sleep at Pam's and I will sleep at the hospital. No sense in us all trying to sleep crammed in that room."
The all piled into Jim's car and drove back to the hospital. Once they arrived they stood in the parking lot to say goodbye. Richard and Rick both shook Jim's hand and then left for Pam's.
"So I'll come back first thing in the morning." Jim said to Jenn. "Will you please tell Pam that?" Jim had wanted to say that he would stay. He wanted all the time he could with Pam. They had a lot of lost moments to make up for, but he knew that would happen in time. He felt that her mom needed time with her too. She too had just gotten Pam back.
"Of course. She'll be happy to hear it. Thanks for everything." Jenn reached up and gave Jim a hug and then wrapping her coat around her headed towards the entrance.
Jim waved and then got back into his car. He flipped open his phone and quickly dialed Phyllis's number to tell her the good news. He said that he would call the office tomorrow so that he could tell everyone. After he hung up with Phyllis he called Jon.
"Hey man! How's Pam?" Jon asked as Jim got back into his car.
"She's awake." Jim said unable to contain the happiness in his voice. "She woke up about 4:00 this afternoon."
"Oh man that is so great!" Jon said. "Did you get to talk to her?"
"Only for a minute. She was still kind of out of it. The doctor says she'll be much more alert tomorrow. I am going home to get some sleep so that I can get over there early."
"Dude, that is so great. I knew she'd be okay."
"Yeah…it is….it's….great!" Jim couldn't even think of a word describe the happiness and relief he felt when he saw her and heard her voice.
"Want me to come over? Keep you company?" Jon asked.
"Naw…it's alright man. You probably have better things to do than watch a crappy movie on TV while your brother falls asleep on the couch."
"Well I do lead an exciting life of intrigue and mystery and hanging out with you would just get in the way of that." Jon laughed.
"I figured as much. I couldn't ask you to sacrifice all that for me. Thanks for considering me though."
"What are brothers for? Well, hey that is so great about Pam. Let me know how things go. Hopefully I'll get to meet this girl soon."
"Count on it…." Jim said. "You'll love her."
"Well I try hard not to trust your judgment on most things, but maybe I'll make an exception this time."
"Oh thanks!! Wow…that means a lot." Jim smiled.
"I know. Well man have a good night. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Alright…thanks Jon…for today. Talk to you later." Jim hung up the phone. As he drove his thoughts drifted back to seeing Pam awake today and all of the possibilities that meant. A huge smile crossed his face as he remembered the touch of her hand and the look in her eyes when she first saw him.
When Jim walked into his front door he saw his roommate Mark lying on the couch watching ESPN. "Jim! What the hell man? Where have you been all day? I called your work to ask you if you wanted to play ball tonight and they said something about you being the hospital with Pam? What happened?"
Jim sat down and proceeded to tell Mark the events of the day. "Wow…that is so crazy. Well I am glad that she is okay. That Roy guy is a moron." Mark's ability to be so blunt was one of the reasons why they got along so well.
"Yeah…everything will be fine." Jim said with a big yawn. "Man, I didn't realize how tired I was. I think I am going to hit the sack."
"Alright," Mark said turning his attention back to the TV. "Next time something major happens in your life maybe you could answer my calls so I don't think your dead or something."
"Ok….will do. Night." Jim turned and headed up to his room. As soon as his head hit the pillow he was out and for the first time in months he was able to really sleep. It was all going to be okay.
Chapter 9
Jim awoke to the sound of rain hitting his window. Jim loved when it rained and he found the sound soothing. He rolled over and looked at his clock. It was 6:00 am. For the past few months he would always wake up tired and hurting and dreading the thought of another day. Today was different. Today he was here and Pam was ready and they could finally be together. Excitedly he jumped out of bed and took a quick shower. He put on some jeans and a green sweater with small white stripes. He grabbed his iPod and ran downstairs. After grabbing a quick drink of juice and leaving Mark a note on the message board that hung next to their fridge, Jim grabbed his coat and umbrella and headed to his car. He decided to stop by Dunkin Donuts to grab some donuts and coffee for the Beesly's.
He arrived at the hospital shortly before 7:00. Carefully balancing the donuts, coffee and his umbrella he made his way inside. He was so excited to see Pam. He felt like a little kid on his way to see Santa for the first time! He took the elevator up to her floor and made his way down the hall. He stopped just in front of her door when he heard Pam and Jenn's voices. He turned around to go wait in the waiting room, but then paused as he heard his name. At first he wasn't sure if they had known he was there and were calling him to come in or if they were talking about him, but then he heard Jenn's voice continue.
"He came as soon as Phyllis called him. It was like 4 in the morning when he got here."
"Really?" he head Pam say.
"Pam….are you really that surprised?" Jenn said with a laugh
"No…well kind of…I mean we haven't…he has a girlfriend. We haven't really talked in months."
Jim felt a pang of sadness at all the time they had missed. All the moments that had passed them by.
"Well, I don't think he has a girlfriend now." Jenn said.
"Mom…you don't know that. I can't assume anything. That's where I went wrong last time. I assumed that even though he had been gone for so long that when he came back we would pick up where we left off. I assumed that he would still feel the same, even though I gave him no indication that I ever could or….would."
Jim felt guilty about eavesdropping on their conversation, but as he was making his way to the waiting room, Richard and Rick rounded the corner.
"Jim! Hey! You're here early." Rick said taking the box of donuts from Jim's full hands.
"Yeah…um…I figured I could bring some breakfast by."
"That's great…thanks. We were just on our way to ask Jenn and Pam if they wanted anything, so you read our minds!"
Jim followed Pam's dad and brother back towards her room. Jim saw the smile that immediately lit up Pam's face when he walked into the room and it made his heart leap. She was sitting upright in bed propped up by several pillows. She was wearing a soft blue sweater over the hospital gown. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, but a few curls had escaped and were partially covering the bandage that was still on her forehead.
"Jim!" Jenn said happily, standing to give him a quick hug.
"Good morning."
"Jim brought us breakfast." Richard said opening the box of donuts that Rick had laid on the table.
"Thanks! That was so sweet!" Jenn took the coffee that Jim handed her.
He set the rest of the coffee next to the donuts and moved to stand closer to Pam.
"Hi!" she said brightly.
"How are you doing?" he asked. The look of pure kindness and caring that was in his eyes made Pam's stomach flutter.
"Ok. I feel a lot better today. Hungry though so someone better hand me one of those donuts!"
Jim laughed and reached into the box for sprinkled donut for Pam and a cream filled for himself.
"Theses are my favorites!" Pam said has Jim handed her the donut and a napkin.
"I know…" Jim thought to himself with a smile.
"You can sit down." Pam said motioning to a spot next to her on the bed.
Jim sat down cautiously on the edge of her bed. It was as if this new chapter in their lives was a glass box and one wrong move would send it shattering into a million pieces.
Pam shot him a look that clearly said, "What are you doing??"
Gradually he relaxed more and more as he sat on Pam's bed and talked and laughed with the Beeslys. He loved seeing how Pam interacted with her family. She was so relaxed around them and he could really see her full personality shine through. The Pam that he had seen glimpses of, but because of all that was usually going on around them, got pushed to the side. He knew Pam. He knew better than most anyone, except her family. Her family knew her in every aspect of her life. He noticed that she mostly listened to her parents and brother talk, but he couldn't help but stare when her beautiful smile would spread across her face. A couple of times she caught him staring at her and that would made her smile grow ever wider. In spite of the cheerful atmosphere in the room he also couldn't help but notice when she looked at him, a remnant of the pain and confusion from the last few months. When he had returned to Scranton he had been determined not to read into any signal or sign that she might have been sending him. He was convinced he had to move on. That was the only way. But despite his determination to put her behind him whenever his eyes would catch hers, it was almost as if she was sending him a message. Telling him to just approach her, to just give her a glimpse of what he had confessed to feeling before and she could say yes this time…she would say yes. He could also see the disappointment and regret that clouded over her face when he wouldn't acknowledge it. He wondered if the questions were building up in her the way they were in him. He knew that if they didn't get to talk soon he would burst. He just wanted it all out there…so that he could finally hug her…hold her…kiss her. Tell her how much he loved her.
Around ten the conversation seemed to die down. Rick had dozed off on the couch and Richard seemed to be getting a little restless of just sitting in the small hospital room. Pam must of sensed her dad's restlessness because she said, "Hey Mom…do you think that maybe you and dad could run over to my apartment and get me a few things?"
Jim stifled a laugh as her dad perked up at the idea of getting out for awhile.
"Sure honey, what do you need?"
"Well I'd like my toothbrush and some socks. Also, maybe you could bring some books or games or something so that we have things to do other than sit here and stare at each other." Pam slowly tried to shift in bed, but it was difficult with her leg still up in the harness. "When did they say I could get out of bed….or at least get my leg out of this thing."
"Soon," her mom said helping her adjust the pillows behind her back. "They just don't want you to over do it too fast."
"I know…but if I don't get out of this bed sometime I am going to go crazy!!"
"Well hopefully Jim can do something to entertain you while we're gone." Jenn said giving Pam a quick kiss on the head.
"I don't know mom….he's kind of dull." Pam said grinning up at Jim.
"If that's the way your going to be then I am leaving." Jim said indignantly as he stood up.
"Oh sit down! You know I was kidding." Pam said with a laugh.
"We'll be back in a little while." Jenn said. Richard shook Rick awake, gave Pam a quick kiss and then he and Rick followed Jenn out of the room.
For a brief moment Jim was nervous. This was the first real alone time that he and Pam had spent together in a long time. He knew that he wanted to get everything out in the open, but how to start? There was so much to say…so much time to cover that he didn't even know how to start. He could sense that Pam must have been having similar thoughts because she kept shifting slightly in her bed and was absently playing with her fingers, a habit she did only when she was nervous.
"So…." Jim said scooting a little bit closer to her on the bed. "I don't know exactly how to entertain you. I could try to juggle…or do sock puppets. I know a great mime routine. Or I could sing for you."
Pam laughed. "Oh really? Is Andy giving you voice lessons?"
"I would only learn from the best." Jim said. He looked down at Pam and their eyes locked. It was almost déjà vu from the Booze Cruise. He was hoping that all that he thought and felt and wanted to say to be conveyed in just a look.
They had wandered out onto the deck of the boat to escape the drunken madness that was taking place inside.
"It's getting kind of rowdy in there." she said pulling her coat tighter around her body.
"Yeah…Darryl…Darryl."
She laughed as she leaned up against the railing of the boat.
"Sometimes I just don't get Roy" she said.
"Well…." he started, but then stopped because he realized he didn't have an answer. What was he supposed to say? He wanted to tell her that he didn't get Roy either. That Roy didn't deserve her. That if she would just give him a chance he could show her what it was really like to be loved. He hurt for her when he saw how Roy treated her and how she felt the constant need to defend him or to brush it off like it was nothing. She didn't deserve that and he wanted so badly to tell her. But he couldn't. He couldn't say anything.
"So…." she said breaking the silence of his thoughts. "What's it like dating cheerleader?" Oh man. If she only knew what was going on in his head. Katy was a nice girl. She was pretty and fun, but she could never compare. Never measure up to the girl with the green eyes and cheeks that were pink from the cold that was standing in front of him. It was on the tip of his tongue. He wanted to tell her then. Tell her all of it. Their eyes met and he nearly lost it when she smiled up at him. It took every ounce of self-control in his body to not lean down and kiss her right then. She had to have sensed it. She had to have known what he felt…at least a little bit, but instead she just smiled and went back inside…leaving him standing alone in the cold.
This time it was different than that night on the Booze Cruise because this time she broke the silence. She sat up a little in bed and tentatively reached over and took his hand.
"Jim…" she began in a soft voice. "There is just so much…so much that I need to say to you." He could see tears start to glisten in her eyes, but he didn't say anything. He knew that it was taking most of her courage to do this and he didn't want to hinder that in anyway.
Ring Ring Ring Ring
The sound of his phone ringing startled him. He went to turn it off, but then he saw it was the office. "I…I'm sorry…it's the office. Please…just hold that thought for one second…please."
"It's okay…just get it." Pam said softly squeezing his hand. "I'm not going anywhere."
Jim stood up and flipped open his phone. "Yeah?" he said, sounding more irritated than he had meant too.
"Jim? It's Phyllis." the voice on the other end said. "I am sorry to bother you…I know your at the hospital with Pam, but we have a problem over here."
"What the hell?" Jim thought. "Why now? Seriously."
"What's the problem Phyllis?"
"Well Michael is home "sick" and so Dwight decided that he was going to try and be the manager for the day and I don't know all the details, but it ended up with him in the women's bathroom and now Jan is on her way down. She asked me to call you and have you meet us over here. I told her about what happened, but she said she really needs you to come if there is any way that you can."
"Wow…I just…wow." Jim didn't even want to think of the madness that was taking place at the office right now. "Well…I guess…I can, but only for a little bit."
"Ok…see you soon." Phyllis hung up and Jim turned back to Pam.
"Pam…" he began.
"You have to leave?" she asked.
"Yeah, but it will only be for a little while. I don't know all the details, but think Dwight and the women's bathroom."
"Wow….you better get over there quick."
"I'm so sorry. I….we do need to talk. Please…."
"It's fine Jim! Go…fix this and then come back. We'll talk…I promise." she smiled. "I could use a little nap anyways…although now I am plagued by thoughts of Dwight and the women's bathroom so I might have nightmares!"
Jim walked over and gently took her hand. "I'll be back as soon as I can."
"I
know you will."
