Reader trying to comprehend: So Cas is quiet? Is that all?
Me: wait for it… also this:
media/products/2011/01/17/12228_
"you see Cas, I just feeeel… damn it"
"I like it when you….."
"I feel like blank when you… stupid feelings"
Dean had a problem, aside from all the other problems he has like: his drinking (which he has cut back on), his constant cussing (which he thinks he uses when the situation arises), his lack of emotional expression (Which he thinks fuck you why should I), and his one gray hair that Sam pointed out and Cas says makes him look more distinguished just to make him feel better (which he pulled out).
But this problem involves feelings, and expressing them to Cas. And just thinking about it is so fucking exhausting to Dean right now. He could use a drink.
Self Therapy notes:
Psychodrama of the moment:
It all started when Sam gave me this stupid "self-therapy notepad" he "felt I needed to help express my feelings, and remember things because of my old age." Then he snickered and in a really badass way I hurled a pillow into his big stupid giagaintor head.
But my problem is not Sam. It is Cas, and it began when we started to have sex.
What is your Real problem?
Jesus, I know what I am supposed to say. The problem is me. Are you happy
How do you feel about it?
This is bullshit, but I have run out of options. Ok, me and Cas…Cas and I? whatever. I feel like I love Cas, and that kinda freaks me out. I feel like I want him to say stuff…I want him to make noise when we have sex! There I said it! I want to hear what he wants and some dirty talk and that I am doing a good job, and that he loves me. God this has gotten girly sounds like I just need approval.
I don't know how I feel about that. Confused I guess.
How do you really feel?
Scared
What am I scared of? I don't know…think about it.
I have always been able to please people I have sex with. I have always been good at sex, and they usually all make some noise or show that they want to.
Cas does a lot for me. Cas, I think Cas loves me. I'm scared he really doesn't, I'm scared that just like the long list of things that Cas just does because I ask, this is one of those things. I'm scared that Cas doesn't really love me, he just pretends to because he feels he should, or that he owes me, or something. Because deep down I know I don't deserve Cas. Amazing, beautiful, forgiving Cas.
And that sex for him is just like a chore or work. I want to give him things he enjoys, he deserves that.
I'm scared I am not enough, and I never will be.
This problem likely stems from:
Mother, father, me, sex, basic unlovability,
Original sin?
Early weaning? what even is that?!
Other: Cas was a super angel of the lord who rescued me from hell, only to sacrifice everything for me and human kind, and then the world and then lost his way, and then got sucked into purgatory, and then fell from heaven. I'm just some guy who drinks and cusses too much, and has emotional problems.
What it all means:
The fuck should I know?!
I guess I should talk to Cas, but I'm going to get drunk to do it!
Breakthrough:
Actual therapy required- Fuck that
Medication needed- hunters helper/jack daniels
"OUR TIME IS UP FOR TODAY"
Dean put his "therapy notes" face down on the table, and picked up a bottle of Jack. He poured himself a glass. As he was pouring none other than the man of the hour walks in, Castiel.
He is wearing a blue v-neck shirt, and some loose jeans. Dean stars, he looks good. Dean wouldn't say he was ogling Cas, but damn. Cas looks at Dean curiously for a moment, and he realizes he has overflowed his glass.
"Shit!"
Cas comes over grabbing a paper towel and blotting the mess.
Dean scurries to pick up his self therapy. When Cas looks up he throws it behind him towards the floor, and it skids under the counter by the bathroom. Cas looks to the left over Dean's shoulder; a silent question. He then looks to Dean.
Dean works hard to completely bypass an answer for Cas, shrugges and give a smug nod a bit. Cas being the silly wonderful thing he is goes with the quiet contract to just not talk about it.
"I was just going to rest today, have a little party. You want to drink with me."
And so it was 5pm, and Dean and Cas commit to drink the night away. Sam committed to get another room when they started having sex. He also committed to wear earplugges, clearly he was unaware of Dean's problem.
So Dean had just had an emotional experience with the therapy thing, now Cas was right there, looking good, drinking with Dean. They are laughing remembering the time Dean took him to a brothel.
Cas's eyes soften and harden. It's that look he gives Dean when he knows they are on their way to sex.
Cas is no longer an angel of the lord, with an alcohol tolerance the size of the Chrysler Building. He was a man who just drank three shots of whiskey.
Dean liked Cas when he was drunk, he smiled more, and Dean loved to see him smile.
"I love to see you smile. Did I say that out loud?" Oh shit Dean is that kind of drunk that kills his inner monologue.
Cas just smiles more.
Dean moves to Cas and kisses him, soft at first then harder. Their tongues start to swirl together. Cas has learned to be a good kisser.
The first time they kissed, Cas accidently smashed into his forehead.
This was way better.
As they kiss Cas crawls into Dean's lap and straddles his hips. Dean puts his hands on Cas's back and pulls him close has their tongues class.
If Dean's mouth was not busy, he would not be able to scold himself for not talking about the problem.
But in his head he is thinking: 'I should stop, and talk to Cas we can't have sex again, and me not know what is going on. God he tastes good, I need to know, I need to …'
All thoughts stopped when Cas moved his hands under Dean's shirt.
And suddenly there was a knock on the door. Dean shoots up knocking Cas off his lap and onto the floor.
"Thank god" Dean says.
Cas had no choice in his drunk state to star at Dean hurt. "What?"
Dean tries not to look at Cas and walks to the door. Sam is there with some pizza. "Dinner."
Dean smiles and is about to decline becaseu he had business to attend to when he hears Cas, "Dean, your therapy is very interesting."
Sam gains a huge smile, surely about to brag, Dean slams the door in his face. He turns around mortified, back against the door as if he has been cornered. He can hear Sam smiling and strutting to his door. Well he can't hear him doing this but he knows it is happening like a feeling in his lower vertebra.
He watches as Cas's eyes scan his soul searching idiotic ramblings. He has no idea what Cas is thinking.
I was writing this and thought wow Cas has no lines so the next chapter with sex will be full of Cas POV.
Let me know what you think, reviews and such
