Prank
A D.Gray-Man Crackfic

Hello again! I was bored, and while having a very interesting conversation with my fellow author Niamh, the idea for this came about. Sorry to anyone who was waiting for something else, but I just couldn't help myself... Hey, this fandom NEEDS more crack anyway! Enjoy!

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Lavi glanced around swiftly, ducking behind an unused bookshelf as he heard footsteps approach.

"But I can't understand it, Linali.. Where could Tim have taken off to? He never does that.."

"Relax, Allen-kun, I'm sure he'll be all right, he can't have gotten far.."

Lavi listened for a while longer, sighing in relief as the voices faded and a door slammed. Standing, he opened his hand to reveal the golem in question, currently flapping it's wings in displeasure as it growled around the wad of paper which had been hastily stuffed between it's teeth.

"C'mon, little guy.. You're going to provide me with some very amusing ways to pass the time.." He grinned wolfishly, his single eye alight with glee as he slunk to the library's back wall. Placing the struggling ball on the desk, he dragged the dusty telephone closer, hooking Timcanpy into the interface before settling himself in the chair.

Pulling out a sheet of just-slightly wrinkled paper, he carefully dialed a number, snickering to himself.

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"Hello? 3"

"Yes, Mr...Earl? Hi! This is the Petermann vacuum company! Your number was chosen to receive a special prize, all you have to do is repeat our slogan!"

"Ah 3 I never win anything! What is it?"

"All we need to hear is 'I Want A Petermann', Sir!"

" 3 I WANT A PETERMANN!"

"...You're a sick, sad little man."

click

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Lavi collapsed in the chair, snickering helplessly. After a long moment, he composed himself and dialed a new number, clearing his throat and deepening his voice.

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"Komui speaking!"

"Lemme speak to Moog."

"..Excuse me?"

"I said, 'Lemme speak to Moog'."

"...There's no 'Moog' in this department. Good day."

click

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"Yes? Komui speaking."

"Lemme talk to Moog."

"I'm sorry, there's no 'Moog' here."

"When he gets in, tell him to call me back, then."

"SIR. There is no one by that name in this department. Please stop calling, we're very busy."

click

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"YES!?"

"Put Moog on, it's important."

"Look, you..! I told you, there's no Moog here! Never has been! Stop calling!"

SLAM

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"WHAT?!"

"This is Moog, have there been any calls for me?"

"WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!"

"..."

snicker

click

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Lavi hung up the phone, cackling at the older man's hysterical fury. Scanning his list, he failed to hear the footsteps until they were directly behind him.

"Lavi? What are you doing with Timcanpy? We've been looking everywhere!" Linali cried, startling the redhead.

Turning quickly, he shushed her. "I was just...borrowing him for a while. Where's Allen?" She shook her head in exasperation.

"He's over there, looking beneath all the tables. I'm going to get him." She strode over, tapping the white-haired boy to catch his attention. "I found him," She murmured, "Lavi had him, come on." The boy nodded in relief, following her to the far side of the room.

"Lavi, what are you doing? Have you been here the whole...Hey, what's this?" Allen knelt, picking up the Bookman's list. "Are..Are you actually CALLING these people? LAVI! You called THE EARL?!"

Linali looked over Allen's shoulder, seeing the long list of names, some checked, others not. "Nii-san? Why were you sneaking over here to call him?" The older boy smiled meekly.

"I was just mkngpkcalls.." He mumbled, avoiding her stare.

"What was that?" She asked, ominously.

He cleared his throat. "Making prank calls.." He said, preparing to duck.

The other two stared at him in disbelief. Allen shook his head, smiling faintly. "You mean you prank called The Earl? Jesus, Lavi!" He snickered, imagining the look on the villain's face. Even Linali was forced to admit that the idea was humorous.

"Honestly, you two are like children.." She smiled, looking around to locate an empty seat. "We might as well get comfy then."

Lavi blinked at her. "Comfy..? Ooh, I getcha.. Ha, c'mon Allen, you too! You'll love it, I swear.. Who should we call next?"

The boy chuckled, also finding a seat. "All right, but if you get caught.." He trailed off, leaving the obvious conclusion dangling.

Lavi grinned. "Me? Never.. Now, let's see.."

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Somewhere in Asia...

"Hello!"

"Bak-Sama?"

"Yeah, who's this?"

"..It's..Me, Bak-Sama..."

"...'Me'? Li..Linali-chan?!"

"Mhmm...I was thinking about you, Bak-Sama.."

"You..You were?"

"Ohhh, yes.. I think about you all the time, Bak-Sama.."

"gulp Ah, really..? That's.."

"Do you think about me, Bak-Sama? I'll bet you do.."

"choke Well...I..Yes. Yes, I do."

"Mmm...I think I like that..."

"Eeh?!"

"Bak-Sama...rustle Ah, that's better..So hot in here.."

"!!"

"rustlerustle Mm, this too...Maybe I'll take a bath..."

CRASH

Dialtone

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Allen and Lavi snickered, as Linali stared at the redhead in mortified shock.

"LAVI! That's..That's terrible! And why are you so good at that? Do you actually practice mimicking people?!" She shook her head as Allen's stifled mirth grew. "It's scary, you sound just like me.. Ugh, do you do that to other people?"

Lavi wiped his streaming eyes before replying. "No, I've never done your voice like that, I just couldn't help it." He peered at the white-haired exorcist beside him, who's bright red face had steadily increased in hue as he valiently kept himself quiet by stuffing a fist in his mouth. "Yo, Allen! You all right buddy?"

The boy nodded, then shook his head and nodded again. Linali raised an eyebrow at his confused signals. Sighing, she patted his shoulder. "It was rather funny... In it's own way." She conceded.

Allen choked, regaining his composure. "Just imagining the look on his face.." He whimpered, starting to giggle, "God, Lavi..That was.."

"The most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

The three stared at each other in shock, slowly turning to look at the form behind them.

After a moment, Lavi cleared his throat in false cheer. "Yuu-chan! What a surprise!"

Kanda glared at him. "Don't call me that! What the hell are you doing, idiot?" The redhead blinked up at him nervously.

"Oh, just...Having a little fun! Nothing major, right, right?" He smiled hugely at his companions, who squirmed in discomfort as the swordsman's frosty gaze settled on each of them in turn.

Kanda shook his head in disgust. "Don't you have anything useful to do? What's that?" He demanded, seeing Lavi slip the list into his sleeve. "Why are you hiding it?!"

Lavi smiled thinly, his eye wide with completely false innocence. "Nothing! It's just ah.. Scrap paper! For taking notes!" The samurai scowled, snatching the paper from him before he could blink.

"Nothing, my ass.. It must be something you don't...want...! What the hell? Are you.. How did you get these numbers?" He stared at the list in shock, seeing the as-yet unchecked names. "Why is my room number here?! That's a private line! I'll slice you like a radish if you don't explain yourself, this instant!"

Lavi cringed, his smile becoming tremulous. "I got them from some papers Bookman had lying around, I wasn't gonna call you, honest!" He waved his hands in defense. "I was just having a little fun, that's all!" An idea occured to him suddenly, and his grin widened. "You wanna help?" He asked, "It's fun, c'mon!"

Kanda raised an eyebrow. "Che, as if I have nothing better to do than play childish pranks.. Is this number right?" He demanded, shoving the list at the redhead abruptly. Jerking back, Lavi chuckled before glancing at the name he meant.

"Of course, they're all right, Yuu-chan!" He beamed up at the suddenly frowning boy. Restraining the urge to snicker, he hooked a nearby chair with one foot, dragging it to a position beside a stunned Allen. "There you go, why don't you take a load off and think this through? Might not get another chaaance, Yuu-chan!" As the other two looked on in awe, the samurai sank into the seat, forgetting to correct the bookman-in-training's familiarity in his contemplation of the paper in his hands.

Several seconds passed in silence, and then the black-haired boy glanced up, his eyes narrowed as he smiled evilly. The three shuddered quietly, glancing at each other fearfully as Kanda chuckled darkly. "Give me that." He ordered, still grinning maliciously.

Numbly, Lavi complied.

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"H..Hello?"

"Habakari..."

"Wh..What?"

"Habakariii.."

"Gasp Who is this??"

"Haabakaaariii.."

"Sob Please! I didn't do it! I'm sorry, what do you want??"

"Habakaaari.!"

"Whimper Stop! Please, I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!"

Click

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The three stared at Kanda in open astonishment.

Then Lavi burst into shuddering laughter. "You...What the hell, Yuu-chan! That was fantastic..!" He broke off, almost sobbing with glee. The other two gaped at them in confusion.

Allen raised an eyebrow. "What did you say to her? She was hysterical, you sounded...Horrible!"

Kanda snickered to himself. "That was the point, Moyashi. It wasn't so much what I said.. It was how I said it." Lavi grinned beautifically as he rubbed his aching stomach.

"That was priceless. No one but Miranda would be afraid of a toilet..!" Linali frowned unconvincingly.

"Honestly! Kanda, she's already terrified of everything, just imagine how she's..She's.." She paused, staving off a snort of her own at the mental image of the gloomy woman wringing her hands frantically at the Japanese word for 'toilet'. "That was mean." She said, finally.

Allen chuckled to himself, shaking his head. "That was rather... Unnerving. But why Miranda-san, Kanda?"

The samurai huffed in dismissal. "She needs to toughen up." He snickered briefly before schooling his features into his usual frown. "And she annoys me with her constant screeching. Her face makes me tired."

The other three sighed.

Lavi suddenly froze, his eye wide with fear as he stared at a spot slightly behind and to the left of Allen's head.

Guiltily, he smiled. "Bookman! Back already?"

The man's face was impassive as he strode to his apprentice's side, glancing briefly at the crumpled paper in his shaking hands in disgust.

His eyes landed on the phone, then the other three youngsters in turn, his face still unreadable as they squirmed in embarrassed guilt under his silent disapproval. Leaning down, he snatched the paper from Lavi, his eyes taking in the checked names as he frowned. "Is this what you do in your free time, Lavi?" He said, finally.

The boy shook his head quickly, ready to protest, but was stilled with an icy glare from the elder man. Sighing, the man shook his head. "Give me the telephone, Lavi." The boy nodded dumbly, preparing to lift the heavy base. Bookman frowned in annoyance. "Not the whole thing, Idiot boy!"

The youth stared at him in incomprehension as he leaned forward to snatch the handpiece from it's cradle with a huff.

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"'Lo? Tyki speaking.."

"Yes! This is Chinese resturaunt, very sorry we make wait for order!"

"Pardon? I don't.."

"Aah, maybe was other man.. You get him, I give much discount for long time, food is ready for deliver now!"

"But you don't under.."

"Oh, no no! It was man, he says 'Bring food to this.. 'Noah' place', but we have broken dish, so take much longer. You get man who order, I wait."

"Sigh It was one of the others, I'll see what I can do..."

Footsteps

Footsteps return

"Look, this is going to take a really long time, sir. They aren't even in the same room, I'd have to ask them all..."

"Oooh, that no worry, I wait for you to find man. Very large order, very much food waste if we not deliver. You find now, yes?"

"Siiiigh All right, hold on.."

Muffled curse

Footsteps

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Bookman placed the phone gently back in it's cradle. Turning to his student, he snorted.

"Amateurs."

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All right! It's done, now get busy telling me how awesome I am! Lol, Niamh, this is ALL YOUR FAULT!! XD

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