A/N: Yeah. It's my first Durarara! fanfiction. Um, I'm not sure if it's any good or not, but I hope you enjoy. And Ephemeral Muse, thanks for beta reading, and getting rid of all the nasty grammar mistakes. I guess the story's a mix between serious and crack and just normal comedy. It WAS goign to be all serious, but then it started edging away and it turned all....cracky again. You can kind of tell since the beginning is semi serious and later...well, yeah.

Disclaimer: I own Kanae. Nobody else. I would LOVE to own Izaya and Shizuo though, but who wouldn't?

Warning: There's some pretty foul language. But I think that's it.


A Stroll Down the Alley

Chapter 1

Right before sleeping each and every night, Kanae always made sure her alarm clock had working batteries in it and was set exactly at five o'clock.

As of now, it was spring break--the typical student's period of freedom before the transition into the higher grade. There was only a week of break left, but....

...Kanae didn't like staying in her house for too long when her parents were around. Or awake. Or in any position to make verbal contact with her-

"Going out already, dear?"

Yeah. Like that.

Kanae flinched, and shot a flat glance behind her shoulder. Her mother was standing at the doorway, messily clad in a hot pink bathrobe that condemned an early death to Kanae's eyes. "...g'morning." She was up early today. Too early. Why was she up so early? Her mother never got up this early. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Her mother smiled tiredly, gesturing to the small pills and glass of water in her hands. "Headache. I thought I'd get some painkillers to ease it down." Her focus trailed over to waist bag loosely hanging from Kanae's waist. Kanae always brought it with her when going out; it had many essential things, from her wallet to bandages to her favorite, razor sharp pair of scissors/ killing weapon masquerading as a mechanism of self defense. Because pepper spray is too wimpy for Kanae's taste.

"It's barely light outside. Maybe you should stop going out at this time. It'll be lighter quite soon."

Kanae looked down at her feet, absentmindedly straightening them to parallel perfection. "I...always go out at this time." She mumbled under her breath, and she sensed her mother faltering. It was what she needed. She stalked off.

"...be carefu-" Her mom began. Kanae slammed the door shut.

It wasn't that Kanae was on bad terms with her parents. As far as she was concerned, they had no terms. It was a simple system, really. Kanae got her share of food and shelter to keep herself alive, her mother could live life without worrying about suffering moral deprivation brought by the neglecting of parental obligation, and her father-some fancy shit politician-had something to vouch for his family friendly image even though in stark reality they weren't nearly a family as much as a miscellaneous bundle of blood related people with mutually beneficial but otherwise distant acquaintances among each other.

Not that Kanae complained. The few interactions she did have with her parents were far and few and utterly awkward, the previous encounter with her mother being a prime example. She could easily live life without them.

The sun was barely peaking over the horizons of the skyscrapers lining the streets of Ikebukuro, and the air was cold. Kanae could see her breath.

She walked through streets already crowded with multitudes of people despite the early hour. Kanae really had nowhere to go, or, at least nowhere she wanted to go. She honestly didn't WANT to step out into the public world. She had things to do back home that required the utmost level of privacy. In other words, when her parents were freaking GONE. In other words, not now.

Kanae absentmindedly watched as a street performer juggled an assortment of items, from cats to watermelons to oranges pierced on the tips of katanas. Surrounding him, wide eyed crowds eagerly followed his every move.

Kanae felt her hands growing frigid, and stuffed them in her hands before walking on.

She didn't like them. People, that is. At first, Kanae thought it very hypocritical of herself, but then she realized that she didn't like herself very much either, so it was probably okay.

They were just so....not pathetic, not stupid...just so...boring. They followed the same human principles of life. They were shallow, and careless, and selfish. Not that she was that big on morals. She wouldn't mind if they, you know, did something INTERESTING to satisfy said selfishness. Beyond cheating on tests and stealing shoes. They could be a little more imaginative, like devising some crackpot plan to steal the answers to the university entrance exams, or obtaining a hydrogen bomb and blowing it up somewhere.

Yeah....

No. Most people stuck with the test cheating and shoe stealing, unfortunately. Occasionally there'd be a fight or two, but that's it.

In fact, Kanae was just currently brooding over said test cheating and shoe stealing as being the extent of human selfishness' imagination-

-when a vending machine came hurling midair and Kanae barely had time to register the image of the massive flying object before it crashed straight into her.

"IZAAAYAAAAAAA!" An enraged screech echoed from down the street. Kanae looked up to see a man dressed in a furry coat darting through a horrified crowd, followed by another wearing a bartender suit and wielding a traffic light pole. "LIKE HELL I'M GOING TO LET YOU RUN AWAY, YOU BASTARD!" The latter yelled, waving around the pole in emphasis. He threw the thing at the first person, who ducked with remarkable ease.

"Now, now, Shizu-chan." Furry Coat's voice was so decidedly taunting that "Shizu-chan" seized another nearby sign and lobbied it at him. "You shouldn't be so mindlessly violent. And you always wonder how I could frame you so easily too. Quite frankly, your reputation did more of the job than I did anyways, so the only person at fault is yo-"

"GO DIE IN A HOLE!" Shizu-chan san picked up a car, much to Kanae's reaction-less amusement. Speaking of herself, she wasn't feeling very well; a little dizzy, in fact, since blood was leaking out of her head like a broken faucet.

Bartender threw the car, and Coats cheerfully ran past her and swerved the corner, vanishing.

Kanae was hit by the car.

Pretty much the last thing she heard before fainting in an excessively womanly manner was something like: "Oh my, Shizu chan. You hurt a poor little child. Shame on you!" Followed by a rather delighted laugh.

Yeah. Time for blacking out.

****

"You could at least try picking up something that's NOT over five tons. I'm amazed that she's not dead. Though I think she might have a scar or two."

An awkward silence. A quiet voice muttered "Sorry." And then. "At least you can't see the scars unless she shaves her head."

"Don't say that to me. Say that to the poor girl once she wakes up. Though I highly doubt she'll be doing so anytime soon, considering the beating she took. Maybe we should get Shinra. And please don't beat HIM up either. If we have to send either of them to the hospital, we'll get into a bunch of paperwork crap."

The other voice sounded just mildly offended. "I won't beat him up-"

Kanae suddenly sat up straight, causing the two men next to her to lurch back in surprise. She blinked. Her vision was a bit blurry, and she had a tremendous headache going on and about. She felt bandages on her head.

The initial speaker, a bespectacled man with dreadlocks, sighed. "Never mind. Er...you alright, Miss?"

Kanae gingerly felt the bandages on her head. They were messily wrapped, and much too tight for comfort. She guessed that either of the two men, both not very doctor-like looking, must have done it. She reluctantly nodded.

Spectacles nudged his companion and said under his breath. "Apologize to her already, Shizuo."

Shizuo stiffened visibly. Kanae recognized him. He was the traffic pole-wielding bartender from before. He shuffled nervously for a moment before mumbling a quiet "sorry". Then. "You can't see the scars unless you shave your hair off."

Spectacles groaned. "I didn't really mean to say THAT part. Er....he's just embarrassed." He quickly said to Kanae. "He really means it....um...." He gestured to their surroundings, a modest little living room with assortments of things messily compiled through. "You're at my place. We wanted to take you to a hospital at first, but it would've been a little inconvenient, so we dragged you back here."

Kanae stared.

Spectacles coughed nervously, obviously perturbed by her lack of response. "Er, yeah. It's getting close to noon. Shizuo'll treat you for lunch, to make up for-" He ignored the protesting glare Shizuo shot him. "...for how he sort of knocked you out like that. You should still see a doctor after this though."

Kanae stared. And contemplated the matter.

More silence. Spectacles ventured a question. "Um, are you mute by any chance?"

"Yes." Was the deadpan reply.

"Wha....oh, Oh. That was sarcasm...right..." Spectacles sighed again, before glancing at Shizuo. "I think you two will get along well. Why don't you take the kid out for something right now? I have one last job to finish up. It'll take a while."

Looking slightly disgruntled, Shizuo relented. "You like sushi?"

Kanae shook her head.

Shizuo snorted, and lit a cigarette. "That was a rhetorical question."

She looked up at him, and realized that he was very tall. The tip of her head didn't even make it to his shoulder, and she decided to ignore the fact that her shoes added an extra inch to her height. Feeling slightly perturbed, Kanae sadly looked back down.

Shizuo blew a stream of smoke into her face. "In other words, sucks to be you. Your opinion doesn't count. We're getting sushi."

:::::

Kanae had always passed by Russia Sushi before--everyday during school time, because she always went past it while walking to and fro to her school. There was always a tall, black Russian advertising outside, effectively chasing away potential customers with his imposing physique and horribly accented Japanese. Of course, there was also the matter of the contents of his propaganda, which tended to include "Just try it once! You won't die!" and "We don't poison our food!" and "There's absolutely no human flesh mixed inside! It's all fish, even on 50 percent day!" as well as other phrases of that nature.

She didn't think that the place would attract any customers, let alone regulars. So when she followed Shizuo (their conversation up to then can be summarized into "......."), she was surprised when he walked up the sushi tout and waved.

"Yo, Simon." She noticed that his voice was gentler and very different from earlier, when he had been screaming with such diverse profanity , he could probably make an entire language out of it. "Fucking son of a bitch" could replace "the", since he said it so often.

The Russian identified as "Simon" grinned cordially. "Hello, Shizuo." His accent was terrible. He placed the emphasis on all the wrong syllables and his tone rose and fell with ill timing. "Would you like to eat sushi today? Sushi is good. It's healthy too."

"Yeah...I don't think my health's that big an issue." Shizuo said. "But I'll take up your offer on the sushi today. Say, where's that little brat anyways-" He turned and confirmed that Kanae was still gloomily stalking him, still looking down at the ground and almost running into a mailbox. "There she is. Yeah, I sort of nailed her on the head a few times this morning. Tom-san told me to go get her some lunch, so I chose sushi."

"Ah, excellent choice." Simon turned and smiled widely at Kanae, who stuck to her usual routine and stared back flatly.

Shizuo gave her a gentle push towards the shop entrance. "She's pretty depressing, so she doesn't talk much."

He was wrong. She didn't talk at all.

There was a fair number of people inside. Another man in spectacles, this one dressed in a lab coat, waved from a corner booth, causing Shizuo grimaced in exasperation when he saw him. "Hello, Shizuo-kun."

"Don't you have work or something?" Shizuo grumbled, nevertheless walking over and sitting down in the seat across from the doctor/scientist. Kanae unwillingly followed, eying the giant squid decoration dangling from the center of the wall.

The only reason why the scientist's smile wasn't as wide as Simon's was that his face was too small. Either way, its width was large and disturbingly natural. Kanae pitied the man's facial muscles. "Ah, is she your girlfriend, Shizuo-kun?"

"Don't peg me as a pedophile." Shizuo snapped, whacking him with a menu. He suddenly remembered his manners. "Oh yeah, this guy's Shinra. He's a freak, so don't pay any attention to the shit he says. Shinra, this is...er..." He looked askew at Kanae for assistance. When she offered none, he took the liberty to continue. "Just call her brat #1."

Pause. "Brat #1 it is." Shinra smiled. "Suits her."

Kanae shot them both one hell of a death glare. However, they were completely unaffected, and she deflated like a balloon. "...K...Kana...e."

"Right. What she said." Shizuo tossed the menu at her. "Get whatever you want. Shinra'll pay."

"Yeah, sure I-hey! That's not fair, Shizuo-kun!" Shinra protested. "I paid for your lunch last time too! In fact, now that I think of it, you NEVER pay for your own food when I'm around. You always tell me that you'll let me give you a blood test in exchange, but you never do! So if I add it all up, you owe me approximately three hundred and forty two blood tests! "

Shizuo shrugged, already calling over to the chef for some tuna sashimi. "Too bad then. I was thinking about giving you that today."

"R-really?!" Shinra's eyes widened like a child's behind his glasses. It fit him, considering how he seemed to have the intellectual level of a child as well. "Ooh! Chef! Give us a bit of everything you've got!" In other words, for a doctor, the guy most definitely had shit for brains. Or maybe he just didn't learn well from experiences. Kanae knew those types of people; ninety nine percent of their knowledge was derived from book. The last percent was from common sense.

In any case, this sort of ruined the point of Shizuo himself making reparations. Kanae eyed him skeptically as piles of sushi were placed neatly on their table, quickly filling the space up. Catching her look, Shizuo sheepishly turned to his food. "What? I got you free sushi, right?" Across from him, Shinra was laughing to himself happily, fidgeting so often in excitement that Kanae threw a plate of ootoro at him.

"You don't like ootoro, do you?"

Kanae shook her head.

"A reaction!" Shinra crowed, and earned another platter to the face. That didn't stop him. "So how old are you, Kanae chan?"

She used fingers. 17.

"You go to Raira?"

Nod.

"That's great. Me and Shizuo went there for high school too, you know. We were even in the same class for a year." A silly smile spread across Shinra's face as he recollected the happy memories of back then. He was seriously reminiscing like an old man, which was sad because he looked pretty young. Not even mid-twenties, really. "Raira's a good school."

Kanae hated Raira. Well, she hated public places on a universal level, but high schools were exceptionally shitty and as far as she was concerned, Raira topped it all. Snobby, superiority complex shithole. It sucked. She hated it.

Thus, as if to emphasize said hate, she displayed her answer via more sushi throwing to the face. Shinra laughed stupidly again, though a little nervous this time as he clumsily wiped rice off his glasses. "Ahaha, maybe you should get rid of that habit. Playing with your sushi isn't very good, and it's so expensive. Wasting it is-"

Kanae agreed. She threw a plate of wasabi instead. Shizuo was in awe. "I like this kid." He quickly shoved the last of his food into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. "Oh, and about that blood test." There were already many empty plates littered around him. Apparently the guy ate fast. And a lot.

Shinra brightened at the words "blood test". "Yes?"

"I lied. Later." With that, Shizuo stood up and slid away. Shinra looked devastated. He literally crumpled in his chair.

This "Shizuo" person was a little mean…

…Oh well. Kanae dutifully showed the bill to Shinra, who then looked like he was about to cry.


A/N: Constructive Criticism anyone? Cause apparently there's SOMETHING OOC about Shizuo here. Neither me nor Ephemeral Muse can quite place it. ARGHS! Oh, and Izaya and the killer website will show up next chapter. Properly. Just to note.