I couldn't do it – I couldn't do that to our baby and I couldn't do it to Jay, but I'm still terrified that it might scare him away. I know that Jay will always do the right thing, but we haven't been together that long and I'm afraid that this is too much – too soon. I'm not sure that he will want me when he finds out – and why should he? What kind of mother will I be anyway? Certainly not a good one. But I want this baby and I want Jay, so I throw the pill away.

I feel ill before I even arrive at the venue and it doesn't help that Jay and I argued before I left the hospital. I told him I didn't want him to come to the surgeon's dinner. I do, but I can't stand the way Sarah Evans looks down her nose at him. It makes me want to lash out at her – scream and yell at her that she has no right to belittle him.I mean who does she think she is?! It makes me so angry, but this dinner is an important occasion and I need to be on my best behaviour. I want Jay there with me more than anything, but if he's there and Sarah Evans dares to deprecate him, I don't trust myself to stay in control of my anger. I've worked too hard for this and when Jay realises what an awful person I am, my job will be the only thing I have left, so I have to stay in control. At all times.

So the truth is that I feel ill before I go to the dinner and during it, I just feel worse and worse. I'm a doctor – I should know why, but I don't. Maybe it will go away if I try to ignore it – what ever it is. Then I realise that Jay has turned up anyway – as a waiter and in my desperation not to lose control with Sarah, I lose it with Jay instead. Jay - the one person who might actually care. I'm not going to lie, I'm angry with him for ignoring me when I told him not to come here, but it's more the fear of lashing out at my mentor and the consequences it would lead to – as well as the fact that I feel so ill.

Things get very blurry after that. I know that Jay and I had a massive row – though I can't remember what was said - and I know that at some point, Jay got thrown out. I remember suddenly feeling a desperate need to escape – get away from everyone and I think I ran past Jay on my way out of the room. I remember hitting the floor.

The details become intermittent and even vaguer after that. I hear Jay's voice next to me – desperate to look after me, followed by the witch ordering security to take him away and Jay''s anguished protests – begging them to let him stay with me. My mind screams his name, but it's hard enough to stay awake at the moment. There's another woman next to me now, she was at the dinner – a surgeon obviously. She's asking if I'm pregnant. I can hear Jay's voice again. I can't make out what he says, but he sounds confused. I'm not in control of my own voice at the moment and the fear of Jay finding out what I nearly did to our baby overwhelms me. When Dixie appears and places an oxygen mask over my face, I remove it again,

"I don't want them to know." I beg.

I say 'them' because I don't know where Jay is at the moment – since security hauled him away from my side. My concentration is shot – I'm aware that there are loads of people around me, but I have no idea which one is my boyfriend – if he's still my boyfriend after our row. I can't remember how it ended. Anyway, he should be next to me and they're not letting him. Dixie puts my mask back on and eventually, I'm lifted onto a stretcher. It suddenly occurs to me that despite throwing the abortion pill away, I'm probably losing the baby anyway. I panicked when I discovered I was pregnant and I wished my baby away. I asked it to go away again in my head during dinner. Now I'm getting what I deserve – I want it now, but it's too late.

"Jay, Jay." I mutter into the mask. "Jay."

I hear Dixie. "Jay – come here."

Then the witch again. "He can't. He's been told to leave."

"Ruth's my patient and she's asking for him." Dixie retorts sharply as I mutter his name again. I can hear the disdain in Dixie's voice – she doesn't like Sarah Evans any more than I do.

The latter gives an irritated sigh and I wish I could laugh because Dixie has certainly put her in her place. Jay appears by my side as I'm wheeled into the ambulance – also accompanied by the surgeon. Thankfully, Sarah Evans stays behind.

"I'm here." Jay whispers. "I'm right here."

"That woman!" Dixie exclaims loudly as she drives off. There's no doubt who she's referring to.

I remember being terrified of my colleagues seeing me in such a state as I'm wheeled into the ED – particularly the F2s and I remember hearing how distressed Jay sounded as Tess and Adam tried to keep him out the way, while I get assessed in resus. His distress is the last thing I remember, before waking up after surgery.

The next thing I know, I've had the surgery and the surgeon-woman is sat next to my bed. Her name still escapes me. "The baby's gone, hasn't it."

She nods and tells me I was three hours on the table – which is pretty bad. Apparently, they had trouble stopping the bleeding, so I lost a lot of blood. She asks me if there's anyone she can call – and I hesitate.

"I want Jay." I mutter. "But Sarah doesn't like him. She said he's a 'distraction' and I'll lose my place on the team..." I trail off. I don't really know who this woman is – should I really be telling her this? Probably not, but at the moment, I don't really care. I've already embarrassed myself at the dinner. No one will want anything to do with me now – and I imagine I'm off the team anyway.

"Jay? – the man who was at the dinner? He's the baby's father, I presume? He seems sweet."

Jay is sweet. I nod "He is."

"Ruth, can I give you some advice? Far be it for me to criticise another surgeon – especially Sarah Evans, but I saw the way she looked at Jay at the dinner. She's jealous. She's obviously never had anyone care about her the way he clearly cares for you. If you want to see Jay – see him."

I mull her words over and over in my head. What should I do? I want Jay – but then again, when has what I wanted been important? It doesn't really matter, does it. Tess arrives to see me and she holds up a bag of books.

"It's from Jay," she tells me. "He waited for you outside theatre. He was there all night."

Why is he bothering? He should have worked out by now that I'm not worth the trouble he's going to. He comes to see me later.

"Were you pregnant?" He asks. When I nod, he sits on the bed next to me. "You don't have to do everything on your own."

I say that I'm tired and he promises to visit again me later. I lie for a while after he leaves, before falling asleep and when I wake up, I make a decision. I'm going to tell Jay about Sarah Evans – and about how much he means to me. I've never had anyone like him in my life before and he changes the way I see everything. I'm going to tell him, but then the witch appears.

After 20 minutes of relentless lecturing and veiled threats, I lose my nerve, so when Jay visits me later, I push him away.

It's just as well – I don't deserve him anyway. I don't deserve to be happy. Jay does – and he'll find happiness with someone else.