Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.

PROLOGUE

2404

Kathryn Janeway casually moved around her shuttle. She was wearing baggy black trousers and a gray sweater, and her long silver hair was tied behind her head in a pony tail. Her skin was pale, but weeks of exposure to the mild sun of a nearby planet had been enough to enhance her freckles. She opened a small cupboard and pulled out a bag of bird seed she had replicated months ago. There wasn't much left, only enough for a couple more feeds. She would have to replicate more and hoped there was enough energy. She was precariously low on energy reserves. But there was a planet less than a light year away that contained all the resources she needed.

"Roger hungry. Roger hungry."

"Alright, old boy," Kathryn said, and went over to the large red parrot who, for the past ten minutes, had stood over his food bowl and told her he was hungry. He had been her companion for over five years and she loved him dearly. She had found him badly wounded on a planet and kept him for a pet when she realized his injuries meant he would never fly again. She picked up Roger's bowl, filled it to the brim, and then put it back on the floor.

'Thank you," Roger chirped, "thank you."

"You're welcome," Kathryn smiled, and went over to her couch to finish her own meal. The food was cold now, but she was too hungry to care. It was the only meal she could afford to replicate for at least the next eight hours and so she had to make the most of it.

"Well, old boy," she said, washing down her food with water, "after we've both eaten, I'd better set a course for Sanctuary and fill up our reserves. What do you say?"

The bird didn't answer, but Kathryn talked on anyway.

"Then we'll come back and finish collecting data on the..."

Kathryn froze as a bleep suddenly sounded. She then put down her plate and hurried over to the shuttle's console.

"Damn," she said as she saw a ship approach on sensors. She hated it when she came into proximity of another spacecraft. It didn't happen often, as few species traveled through this deserted area of space, but she was always afraid they would be hostile and open fire. She had lost all her ammunition a long time ago and was completely defenseless. But every time she had encountered another ship they had traveled on by without making contact, and she hoped this one would do the same.

"Damn, damn," she said when she saw the ship was heading straight for hers and slowing down in the process.

"They're coming for us, old boy," she said, "let's hope they're friendly."

But just incase they weren't, she got up and went to pick up her phaser. She strapped it around her waist and, before returning to the helm, put Roger into his cage. She then slowed the shuttle down to a standstill. Moments later, a cracking sound on the comm system told her the ship was trying to make contact. She tried to clear up the signal as best as she could. Like many other of the shuttle's systems, the communication system had been damaged and never fully repaired. She managed to clear up the signal just enough to be able to make out a few words.

"...starship Victory. You are in..."

The signal crackled again and Kathryn lost the next few sentences.

"A tractor beam will..."

More crackles and then silence.

The shuttle began to move. Frantically, Kathryn turned to the console. It only took her a moment to realize she was being pulled into the ship. She tried to disengage her shuttle from the tractor beam, but it was pointless. The shuttle turned, and, for the first time, she saw the ship directly ahead of her. It was a silver monster and it opened it's mouth to swallow her and her shuttle. She closed her eyes as she disappeared into the black mouth.

Then all was still.

Kathryn opened her eyes and looked through the view screen. She was inside a shuttle bay. She looked around her shuttle, her home, her heart racing. She heard the shuttle door open and retreated as far from the view screen as she could. She then held out her phaser before her in a desperate attempt to protect herself. A dark shadow fell on her surroundings as someone entered. Kathryn could hear her heart pounding wildly in her chest. The dark figure turned in her direction and Kathryn gasped when she recognized the face.

Chakotay.

He smiled softly, tears in his eyes.

Kathryn lowered her phaser and let it drop to the floor as she gazed at him. He was dressed in a Starfleet uniform, Captain's pips on his collar. He looked just as fine as she remembered him.

Chakotay gazed at her too and wanted to weep at what he saw. She was nothing like the Kathryn Janeway he had once known. Her clothes were old and shabby, her hair was stripped back plainly from her face, and she was painfully thin.

He walked over to her, but she stepped back at his approach.

"Why are you here?"

She reminded him of a frightened animal and he knew he had to tread carefully. "Didn't you receive my message?"

Kathryn shook her head. "The communication system is malfunctioning."

Chakotay looked around the shuttle. It was weathered and cramped. Had Kathryn really lived like this for almost nine years? His eyes found hers again. They were dull now, not the sparkling blue he remembered.

"We've come to take you home," he said kindly.

"This is my home."

"This territory has fallen under dispute. There's going to be war any moment now. No Federation ships are allowed to stay here."

Kathryn's dull eyes darkened even further, but for a moment, just a moment, he saw the determined fire that had once occupied them. "Then take me to a region of space where there is no war."

Chakotay made no answer to that. It had taken his years to find her. He would not let her go that easily.

Kathryn wandered over to Roger's cage and gazed at her beloved pet. The bird edged closer to the steel bars, almost as though he wanted to offer her comfort. Chakotay looked at the bird briefly. He was a strange looking creature, no doubt of alien origin. Chakotay walked a little closer to the cage, but kept at a fair distance.

"Interesting looking creature. Does he have a name?"

"Roger," Kathryn replied, tenderly stroking the creature's head. The bird closed his eyes and leant into her touch.

"It's good to see you, Kathryn," he whispered. "I've missed you."

Kathryn turned to him and a fleeting smile crossed her face. "I've missed you too."

Their eyes locked for a moment and Chakotay was finally able to bridge the distance between them.

"Bring your bird," he said gently. "I'll show you to your quarters."

Kathryn recoiled from him, his brief victory lost. "No," she cried. "I want to stay here!"

"But your shuttle needs to be repaired."

"No, it'll be fine. It's my home. Don't make me leave."

There was sheer agony in her eyes and it took all of Chakotay's strength to defy her.

"It will only be for a short while, Kathryn. You can come back when the repairs are made."

She calmed a little at this and he realized this was the right card to play. Once he had her safely lodged in comfortable quarters, perhaps then he could get her to change her mind about leaving.

"The repairs won't take long," he said gently, and held out his hand as an addition coax. "Come."

But Kathryn resisted him. She was visably trembling and deathly pale. "I can't," she whispered, "the people..."

Chakotay had been warned by the Doctor that she might react this way, that having been on her own for so long, she would find the thought of being with others terrifying. But he hadn't believed it. It was impossible to believe that the woman who had so confidently guided a ship through the hostile territory of the Delta Quadrant could ever be anything less. But he saw that she was now. He knew now that the woman he had found was not the woman he had once known and loved. But he would not give up. He would never give up on her.

"We'll beam there directly," he said softly.

Kathryn did not protest. She merely glanced at her beloved bird. "And Roger?"

Chakotay went over to the birdcage and picked it up. "And Roger."

He then hit his commbadge, instructed transportation, and they all dematerialized.


Kathryn looked around the quarters as she rematerialized. Compared to what she was used to on the shuttle, it was the lap of luxury. There were several comfortable looking chairs, glass tables, pictures, ornaments, a replicator, and every comfort she could require. Had she really lived like this once? She was so used to her humble existence now that she had forgotten any other.

"We'll have what ever else you want brought from the shuttle," Chakotay said, putting Roger and his cage down on a table.

"No," she protested, "I'll be back there soon."

There was a long silence as Kathryn focussed her attention on the window before her. The stars were familiar, comforting.

"Would you like something to eat, to drink? A coffee, perhaps?"

"Just water," she replied.

So, she had given up coffee too. Chakotay was beginning to wonder if there was anything left of the old her.

After he had replicated her a glass of water, he gestured for her to sit. When she did, he sat opposite her.

"So," he asked, "what have you been up to?"

"Collecting data."

"Tell me about your findings."

She turned the glass around and around in her hands. "Another time."

Chakotay gazed at her sadly.

"Why did you disappear, Kathryn?"

Kathryn flinched, panicked, and stood up. "I don't want to talk about it," she said defensively.

"Alright," Chakotay said, getting to his feet. "I understand."

Kathryn clutched her arm tight around her waist. "Leave me now, Chakotay, please."

Chakotay hesitated, but he didn't want to push her too far too soon.

"Alright," he said again, feeling like the parrot that was watching him like a hawk. "But will you have dinner with me this evening?"

"No, I..." Kathryn's eyes met his and he saw an inner battle take place. Finally she nodded.

Chakotay smiled warmly, glad that battle was won. "I'll arrange transport for 19:00 hours."

He reluctantly turned away and began to walk towards the door.

"Chakotay..."

He turned at the sound of Kathryn's voice. She was agitated again, wringing her hands.

"Are there ... Are there any other Voyager crew onboard?"

"Only Harry Kim and the Doctor."

Kathryn seemed relieved at that and her hands slowly stilled.

In the flurry of events, Chakotay realized he hadn't given her a commbadge. He unpinned his from his jacket and walked back over to her. He held it out to her. "Call me if you need me."

Kathryn hesitated, but then took the commbadge. It sparkled under the bright light and she watched it for a while. When she looked up, she saw that Chakotay had left.


The bath water was wonderfully warm and Kathryn sank deeper beneath the white layer of soapy bubbles. It had been a long time since she had taken a bath like this, too long. She washed her white skin with a beautiful soap of white musk and let herself drown in the fragrance.

When she had soaked herself long enough, she got out of the bath and began to dry herself. The softness of the newly replicated towel felt good against her skin.

Suddenly she heard the door chime and she froze. Then panic set in. She felt dizzy, as though she couldn't breathe.

"It's me, Harry Kim," Harry called, having been warned by Chakotay that she might not respond. "Please, may I come in?"

Kathryn struggled for what seemed like an eternity with the inner demons, but then hastily put on her old clothes and walked into the living room.

"Yes ... Come in."

The doors opened and Harry came in. He was dressed in his Starfleet uniform and tears welled in Kathryn's eyes as she remembered the young ensign who had always occupied a special place in her heart.

"It's good to see you," Harry said warmly, "so good to see you."

Kathryn managed a weak smile. "You too."

"Chakotay says you've been busy collecting data on this region."

Kathryn gave a brief nod.

"You must have a lot by now, Admiral."

He saw Kathryn's body tense. "That title is no longer relevant."

Harry stepped a little closer. "You'll always be Admiral to us, to all of us."

Kathryn turned away from him and gazed out of the window.

"If you'll excuse me, Harry, I have things to do."

Harry understood that was his cue to leave.

"Yes, Ma'am. I'll come and see you again tomorrow."

He waited for a reply, but Kathryn just stood staring out at the stars. He watched her a while, wishing she would turn to him as she had done in the old days, the good days, and smile her wonderful smile at him and crack a joke. Even a reprimand would do. But there was nothing, nothing but vacancy. With unshed tears stinging his eyes, he left the room.


Chakotay smiled when Kathryn materialized at 19:00 hours. She was wearing a long blue dress beneath a black jacket and her hair was tied up in a bun just as it had been when he had first met her. She may have aged by a quarter of a century, but in that moment, she looked as beautiful to him as she ever had or could.

Kathryn looked at the food spread out before them. There were vegetables of all kinds, meats of different types, and two large dishes of mixed salad. She stared at the spread and didn't know how she was going to eat it. Uneasiness overcame her and she began to feel threatened by the unfamiliar surroundings. Chakotay gestured for her to sit and she did so almost in a daze, taking deep breaths to try and calm herself. Chakotay saw her struggle, her panic.

"We can eat later if you like," he said gently.

Kathryn looked up at him. What she saw in his eyes calmed her considerably. There such warmth in them, such tenderness. She became oblivious to everything else. This was Chakotay, her Chakotay. She was safe with him. She smiled weakly. "We'll eat now."

Chakotay gestured to the food. "Help yourself."

Not wanting to make her feel conspicuous or uncomfortable, he began to help himself to the food. He avoided the meat, but loaded some vegetables onto his plate. He saw Kathryn eye the lamb roast and watched as she picked up the carving knife and began to cut herself a slice. For the first time he noticed a thin scar running across her right hand. He said nothing, not wanting to bring attention to it. He cut himself a slice of nut-roast and began to eat, hoping she would imitate. She did.

They ate for a long time in silence. Chakotay remembered all the meals Kathryn had cooked for him when they were on Voyager, all the roasts she had burnt, all the recipes that had gone disastrously wrong and the evenings that had only been salvaged by the replicator. He remembered how she would talk away, talking about everything and nothing.

Talk now, his heart cried, talk now. But she just sat in silence, her mouth only opening to consume the food on her plate.

He reached for a bottle of wine and poured a glassful for both of them. "Have you seen Harry and the Doctor yet?"

"Only Harry," Kathryn replied quietly.

"I'm surprised the Doctor wasn't first in line to see you. He's pined for you dreadfully. There must have been an emergency at sickbay."

Silence.

Chakotay put down the wine. This was difficult, so difficult. "You must be wondering how I found you?"

Kathryn nodded.

"Your sister told Starfleet Command of your whereabouts when this region of space fell under dispute. She was concerned for your safety. They asked me to take charge of the mission to find you and I gladly accepted."

Now was not the time to tell her he had been looking for her for years before that.

Kathryn made no response. She just finished what was left on her plate and then crossed the knife and fork over it. Chakotay stood up and picked up her plate. He cleared away his also so they could move on to dessert. He then returned to the table.

"What would you like for dessert?"

"Nothing ... thank you."

"You must have something. Coffee cake, coffee gateaux, coffee ice cream?"

Kathryn gave a weak smile. "Alright, ice cream."

Chakotay replicated a bowl of coffee ice cream and a vanilla flavor for himself. Kathryn ate hers eagerly and Chakotay felt a lump gather in his throat as he watched her. Aware he was still watching her, he turned to his own ice cream and began to eat.

"What do you plan to do with the data you have collected?"

"I was thinking ... maybe ... depositing it with Starfleet."

"You should. It would be such a waste otherwise. Knowledge is no good if it isn't shared."

Another silence followed as Kathryn finished her ice cream. When she was done, she stood up slowly.

"I ... I should go now. Thank you for the meal."

Chakotay stood up too and went over to her. "Not yet. Stay a while." He put his hand on her shoulder.
"Please."

Kathryn looked up at him and saw again warmth and compassion looking back at her. She wanted to stay, she wanted to talk to him. There was so much she wanted to know, wanted to ask. But she couldn't. Talking was difficult now. Chakotay touched her freckled face, brushed his fingers softly against her cheek. His touch was gentle and Kathryn closed her eyes. She couldn't remember the last time someone had touched her.

"I'll replicate us a coffee," he said softly, "and then we can have a game of cards, just the two of us, just like old times."

Kathryn opened her eyes at that and recoiled from him. "I can't."

"Yes you can," he urged gently. "There's nothing to be afraid of, nothing to..."

"You don't understand," she said, tears brimming. "Just leave me alone, Chakotay, just leave me alone."

She fled from him and hurried in the direction of the door. Chakotay called after her, but she was already through it.


Kathryn ran into the corridor, but all she could see was confusion. All was a blur before her ... colors all merging ... She turned left, turned right ... turned again ... was dizzy. Which way should she go? Where should she go? Left ... right ... left ... right ... She turned, turned again ... left ... right ... She was dizzy, couldn't breathe ... was suffocating ...

Then all was black.


Kathryn stirred awake. Someone was talking, but he sounded far away. The voice was familiar ... friendly ... and through the haze she saw the Doctor's face looking down at her.

"Not quite the reunion I was hoping for," he said warmly.

Kathryn smiled at the sight of her old friend. She had missed him so much.

"But there's plenty of time later to catch up," he added. "Right now you need to rest."

He put a hypospray to her neck.

"This will help you sleep."

In moments she was drifting again.


Chakotay waited in the room outside for the Doctor. He came at last.

"How is she, Doctor?"

"As well as can be expected, considering all that she's been through."

"How is she physically? She's terribly thin and I noticed a scar on her hand."

"Physically she's in reasonably good shape. She's taken pretty good care of herself and her weight will soon pile on with plenty of good food. She has several scars on her body, the result of accidents while exploring, no doubt, but having no means of treating them. Her medical equipment must have malfunctioned or been damaged."

"What can I do to help her?"

The Doctor put his hand on Chakotay's shoulder. "Just be there for her and show her kindness and patience."

"She wants to leave again, continue exploring. But we can't let her."

Profound sadness shadowed the Doctor's face. "We might have to, Captain. It's the only way of life she's comfortable with now."


A Week Later

Chakotay looked at the gaseous cloud that filled the view screen. It had appeared suddenly and seemed to be emanating high levels of dangerous radiation. Chakotay called to his chief pilot. "Can we go to warp?"

"No, Captain. If we try, we'll cause an explosive reaction. We're going to have to wait for the cloud to dissipate."

"We don't have time," Harry interrupted. "Our shields will only protect us from the cloud for about an hour."


Kathryn stood at the window of her quarters, Roger in her arms, and looked out at the cloud that had just surrounded the ship. The door chimed. She hesitated, but then called out. "Come in."

"Come in," Roger chirped, "Come in."

Chakotay came in, a soft smile on his face at the echo of the bird. He went over to Kathryn who was still gazing out of the window. "I need your help," he said firmly. "As you can see we're trapped in this cloud and have no means of getting out of it as we'll cause an explosion if we go to warp. But if we stay, we'll suffer radiation poisoning."

Kathryn calmly stroked her bird's back. "This cloud's a life form. Usually it's stationary, but once a year it moves through certain sectors of space. It's quite harmless and will pass us over in less than thirty minutes."

Relief consumed Chakotay and then he smiled. "I knew you'd know what to do."

Only silence answered.

Then Kathryn turned to him. "I would like to return to my shuttle."

Chakotay inhaled sharply. She hadn't mentioned her shuttle in days and he'd hoped she'd changed her mind about leaving.

"Your shuttle is still being repaired," he said. It wasn't the truth, but he felt the lie was in a good cause.

"When will it be ready?"

Chakotay avoided the question and instead put his hand on her shoulder. "There's no need to return to it, Kathryn. Stay here in these quarters."

She shook her head, clutched her bird tighter. "It's where I belong."

"You can belong anywhere you want to. Return to Earth with me. My house is secluded, there'll be no one to bother you. You can write up your findings, do whatever you like. For a long time I've thought of farming the land. We could do that together."

Kathryn stepped away from him and shook her head again, trying to force the pleasant images his words conjured out of her mind. She could never have that kind of existence again. "Just repair my shuttle, Chakotay, please."

Her breathing accelerated, her body trembled, and Chakotay was afraid she would collapse again.

"Alright," he said softly. "Alright."


Kathryn looked around her repaired shuttle. She smiled broadly and tickled Roger's chin. "As good as new, old boy."

"Better than new," Harry said with a soft smile. "We've installed updated replicators, new medical equipment, an entertainment system, increased the warp capacity, supplied you with ammunition, and provided you with a year's supply of everything you'll need."

Kathryn's smile widened. "Did you hear that, Roger?"

"Roger hear," he chirped, "Roger hear."

Chakotay stepped forward, his heart hurting at even the thought of her going, and glared at Harry. He wouldn't let her leave. There was still time. Somehow, someway, he would change her mind.

"But we've still got a way to travel yet," he said, turning to Kathryn. "So, how about I reserve us some holodeck time for the weekend? We can do anything that you want."

Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded.

Harry put his arm around Chakotay's shoulder. "Well, Sir, we'd better let the Admiral get some rest."

Chakotay smiled softly. "It is getting late." His eyes found Kathryn's and he held them a moment. "Remember to call me if you want anything."

She nodded again.

Harry was already making his way out of the shuttle, but Chakotay was, as always, reluctant to leave her.

"Goodnight, Kathryn."

"Goodnight, Chakotay," she whispered.

He held her gaze for a moment longer, and then left.

Kathryn watched him leave and a stubborn tear ran down her cheek.


A voice called in the darkness, grew louder. Chakotay stirred awake and had to close his eyes again as a bright light hurt them. When he opened them a second time, he saw Harry standing before his bed.

"What is it, Harry?"

"Admiral Janeway's gone."

Chakotay sat up and his heart raced. "Gone? What do you mean, gone?"

"She launched her shuttle in the middle of the night. We can find no trace of her."

Chakotay got out of his bed, running his hands through his hair in angry desperation. "Didn't anyone notice an unauthorized shuttle launch?"

"No. I don't need to remind you that this is Kathryn Janeway we're talking about. If anyone could find a way of leaving a ship without being detected, it would be her."

Chakotay knew the truth of that only too well. "Then we'll have to go and look for her. She can't stay in prohibited territory."

Harry seized him. "We left prohibited space four days ago. I know it, you know it, and Admiral Janeway knew it too."

"But she can't leave like this," Chakotay cried. "We have to find her."

"She doesn't want to be found, Chakotay. Face it. And as long as she doesn't want to be found, we'll never find her."

Chakotay retreated from him and tried to calm himself. He knew Harry spoke the truth but he couldn't accept it, he just couldn't.

Harry dug into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. "We found this fixed to the body of the shuttle that was kept next to hers."

Chakotay took the envelope from him and stared at it. His name was clearly written on the front of it in black ink and inside there appeared to be a letter.

Without another word, Harry left the room.

When he was gone, Chakotay opened the lenvelope and sat on the bed to read it.

"My dear Chakotay. I have never been good at saying good-bye, and I would find it impossible to say good-bye to you. I know we have left prohibited space several days ago and I know the reason you didn't tell me is because you wanted me to stay with you. But I couldn't stay. I hope one day you will understand and forgive me for all the pain I know my departing in this way will have caused you. There's so much I have always wanted to say to you, so much I should have said a long time ago, but I could never find the words. You have always been a good friend to me, the best friend I have ever known, and even now, after all these years, you still care for me. I know that care will make you want to come in search of me, but I ask you not to. I am happy in my own existence. I could never be happy on Earth again, and know I could never make you happy. And I want you to be happy more than anything. I know it may seem that I have always taken your friendship for granted, but I want you to know that I was thankful for you every moment of every day. I'm so glad you came into my life, so thankful for the years we knew each other. You once told me in a beautiful ancient legend that you loved me and I have listened to that legend over and over through the years. It has brought me more comfort than you could ever know. And I want you to know that I loved you too. I loved you so much, and love you still. You were my rock, my harbor, my shelter, and I'm sorry I never told you. I know I have changed so much from the woman we both knew, but I ask you to remember her. And when you remember her, I want you to remember that she loved you. Kathryn."

Chakotay clutched the letter to his chest and wept with the agony of a broken heart.

END OF PROLOGUE