Okay, the shit Gintoki would have to go through lately was getting fucking ridiculous... Gintoki could just not figure out what the fuck he did to deserve this, no seriously... Kagura had signed him up for the fucking "find your destined partner" bullshit that had been spreading throughout Edo like the plague, where people had found their soul mates through a quiz you had to go through in a new cafe that had opened recently... And what the fuck was up with the name anyway? "Yasogami's group date café"? Sounded like something from a fucking video game... Wait, didn't something like that already happen before? Like in persona 4 or Q or something? Oh right, no referencing other fandoms just yet...
Gintoki sighed, mumbling curses as he entered the cursed café... The line wasn't as long as he expected it to be, which of course- might have something to do with the fact that there were like, ten doors connected to eachother or something, probably the place where you take the quiz... Gintoki sighed, when this was all over, Ketsuno Ana better be on the other side of that fucking quiz thing or he would have to strangle somebody... A guy dressed in a golden cupid costume ushered him into the first room, where a really stupid sounding mechanical voice spoke over the speakers "Question number 1... Does gender matter as long as there is love?"
What the hell kind of question is that!? Not that Gintoki had ever tried being in a relationship with another man before, and he's sure he wouldn't really mind if he truly loved the guy... Or if the guy had like- a life's supply of parfait or something... Anyway, he guessed it really didn't matter? So he answered truthfully, though it sounded a bit awkward. "Ehm, i guess it doesn't matter? I mean, if you love eachother..." he shrugged, and nearly screamed as the door opened with a 'pfsshhhhh' what the hell? Trying to jumpscare him!
Gintoki shook his head in anger and headed for the next room, and then after answering the question there, he headed for the next door, and each time the interior design got mushier and mushier with hearts and teddy bears, and the questions got increasingly nonsensical. By the end of it all he was so tired and so angry that even the thought of his beloved Ketsuno Ana being at the other side couldn't keep him from imagining his hands tightening around the yato girl's neck. Though he knew he never could, she was one of his kids afterall...
As gintoki entered the final room of the idiotic quiz, he nearly jumped out of his skin, the blue and pink teddy bears he had seen earlier was standing in the middle of the room facing eachother in wedding clothes. Except that something that could only be the muzzle of a monster had torn the face of the pink one in half "What the fuck!? Have i suddenly been transported to five nights at Freddy's now!?" he screamed, clawing at the door he came from that closed behind him with a bang, almost as if sealing his fate.
But instead of gaining an answer, the mechanical voice sounded over the speakers again "And so, laugh or cry; here is the final question..." there was a pause. Before suddenly "What would you do, if somebody you don't care for- confesses their love?" and then there was silence, waiting for Gintoki to answer the question. "Uh, well... I guess i would try to start out as friends? Or at least try to..." he shurgged awkwardly, and the voice spoke again "You have summoned your will and selected an answer. This concludes the questioning. There are no correct answers, only the path you have chosen..." theres a short pause, before "Well then... The time has come to announce your destined partner..." there is a long pause this time, but Gintoki could only sigh "About fucking time... sheesh"
Suddenly, there's a drumroll, and spotlights land on the door. "Your destined partner is- Lo and behold!" the door creaks open and smoke pours into the room, Gintoki can't help but chant "Ketsuno Ana, Ketsuno Ana, pleaaase let it be Ketsuno Ana! Gin-san deserves nothing less!" but as per usual, his luck is the worst... He can hear coughing before Hijikata stumbles into the room- spotlights on him and the most annoying "tadaa" sound in the history of ever blasted all around him from seemingly out of nowhere. But before either of them could react, the floor flips downwards, making a stupid pitfall... Gintoki screamed as loudly as his lungs would allow- which was pretty damn loud, and he swore he could hear the shinsengumi dog let out a howl of his own. He lands on something soft, and looks down to see Hijikata on his stomach, ass in the air and Gintoki on his back. Hijikata groans and gets up on his legs, not caring that Gintoki is still on his back. "Aaaouch! What the fuck Oogushi-kun! You can't treat me like that, i'm the main character!" he huffs, getting up on his feet. Gintoki tried to brush off his clothes, and the key word really being 'tried' because he quickly realized that just that would be difficult in his current condition. His hand seems to be stuck with Hijikata's... Hijikata grumbles something under his breath, while Gintoki tries to pull their hands apart while shouting something among the lines of "Not this crap again"
They're interrupted however, as the same fucking mechanical voice once again decides to be a dick and announce more useless shit... "It seems, you have reached your destination..." Hijikata freezes "What the fuck do you want from me!? And how the hell did i even get here!?" but his shrieks of anger are only responded to with a "This seems to be a path where lovers who met their destined partners discuss their love for eachother... What could be waiting up ahead? You are free to step forth hand-in-hand, curiosity and fear in your hearts, or you can refrain." Hijikata huffs, and Gintoki narrows his eyes "Great! Then we refrain, get us the hell out of here!" they scream in unison, huffing at the voice. The voice spoke again, and the two actually hoped that they would get a decent answer this time, but nope... No such luck... "You are free to step forth, or refrain from doing so. These are your apparent options... Now, step forth!" the mechanical voice sounds dry and empty, but still demanding.
"Asshole, you said you would give us a choice!" Hijikata screamed at the disembodied voice. Gintoki busied himself with trying to get their hands apart, but it seemed like they were glued together or something. When they realized that nothing they did or said would get them an intelligent answer they sighed in defeat "Why did it have to be you?" Gintoki sobbed dramatically into his free hand "Gin-san doesn't deserve this!" he cried again. Hijikata rolled his eyes "Man up... I don't even know how i got here... One minute i was patrolling, the next i was here... Is this that 'meet your destined partner' shit that's been so popular lately?" Gintoki nods in response, to busy mourning his love life to come up with an actual intelligent answer... Hijikata sighs yet again "Oh goody..."
Gintoki ignored Hijikata and turned his head to look around, no escape there, and he couldn't even see the way they came from anymore... It was all replaced by a blue sky, seemed kind of realistic actually... All in all there seemed to be no choice but to keep going, and Hijikata obviously also realized this, and they both started to walk simoultaneously. They didn't get far however, as they approached something that looks like a picture frame, that goddamned mechanic voice decided to speak up again. "Suddenly, all in attendance hear an announcement." Hijikata rolls his eyes, staring down at his feet in frustration. There was a ladybug crawling along the path, trying to get to the other side... Now he wasn't at all in the mood to observe the scenery, especially not when he was supposed to be on patrol... And not with the natural perm... But he couldn't help but notice the little thing, and he had to fight down the urge to stomp on he poor creature.
"Up ahead, they see a bride and a groom's joyous commemorative photograph of love..." Hijikata immediately lifts his head and if he had a cigarette he would have either swallowed the thing and possily choked on it or maybe even chopped it in half inbetween his teeth. Gintoki visibly froze, not knowing wether to laugh or to cry. "They confer between themselves on wether to look at it, or to ignore it..." the voice finishes, and Hijikata turns towards the general direction of where the sound came from "You could have said that sooner asshole!" he seethed, raising his fist in a threat. Gintoki shivered "I wish i could have ignored it... i really do" he mumbled, grimacing. The picture in itself seemed normal, a groom carrying his bride princess style... Now the picture would have been quite beautiful, if it didn't have their faces on it... "And why the fuck am i the bride!?" Gintoki screamed at the mechanical voice, but it didn't answer this time.
Hijikata snorted at this "Because there is no way in hell i would have worn a dress if we ever got married..." he glares, and Gintoki glares back in full "Well, neither would i mayora asshole!" he was about to throw a punch, but didn't remember that his hand was stuck to Hijikata's, who managed to hold their hands back just in time "Oh you wanna go sugar freak!?" he raised his free hand threateningly, not even thinking to pull kindness out of her scabbard. Gintoki took a deep breath through his nose, before his dead fish eyes turned blank. Then he calmly said "I would, but i don't hit mayoras... It's dirty..."
Hijikata could literally feel his veins pulse in anger, "Oh it's on..." Hijikata threw the first punch, which Gintoki dodged with ease, it was when Gintoki tried to kick Hijikata's legs from underneath him he realized his mistake, they were still attached together, before they could even realize what was happening they were both sprawled out on the ground, tangled in their arms and legs. "BAD. IDEA!" Gintoki groaned through grit teeth. Hijikata nodded in agreement, suddenly feeling the overwhelming need to have a cigarette... They somehow got up on their feet, but the tension was thick and they both felt the extreme need to strangle eachother, which wasn't unusual... But when they were stuck together, it was horrible... Hijikata reached over to grab his lighter and his pack of cigarettes, but the lighter seemed to be just out of reach. Usually he would keep it in his breastpocket, but today he had put it in the pocket on his pants.
Gintoki saw his struggles, and knew that if the demon vice commander didn't get his nicotin, things would get bad very quick... So Gin stuck his hand into Hijikata's pocket, promptly ignoring the offended look he was getting. "Cuz Gin-san is just that kind" he huffed proudly as he handed the lighter to Hijikata, who glared before mumbling a small "Thank you" which was kind of hard with his cigarette between his lips. Gintoki grinned, feeling proud "You should just be glad i'm not charging you for that..." he picked his nose with his pinky, staring at the booger before flicking it off. Hijikata grimaced, and nearly bit his cigarette in two "For handing me my own fucking lighter? I wouldn't pay you for something that trivial... If you had gotten me mayonnaise however- things would be a bit different..."
"Anyway, we should get a move on..." Hijikata mumbled after taking the first drag of his cigarette, god that felt good... Gintoki nodded "I don't think we should linger for too long... That mechanical voice seemed to want us to move quickly... I don't really want to find out what happens if we disobey..." he shrugs before getting his ass moving again. Hijikata really has no choice but to follow, and Gintoki looks around in disgust. With Heart arches over their heads, a canopy hanging from the ceiling with those two teddy bears again, flowers, green grass... Really the perfect place for a nap... But with this guy? It was Hell... And then they ran into an invisible wall of sorts... "What the fuck?" Gintoki grumbled under his breath.
Hijikata pulled them both towards a sign on the ground, and Gin could feel his face go paler "Oh no please! Please no!" Hijikata looked ready to either vomit or laugh his ass off, kind of like stuck between either... Hijikata then got his composure back "W-well... If we don't... We won't get through..." he tried, but it was hard to keep his laughter down. Gintoki pointed accusingly at him "You are not carrying me princess style... If we have to do this to get through, then i'm carrying you..." his face had turned bright red from frustration, and maybe some embarrassment as well. Hijikata shook his head, flipping them both around before anyone could do anything. And that's how Gin found himself being carried like a fucking princess... "No way in hell i'm letting you carry me... If i did you'd just drop me..." Hijikata accused, glaring. Gintoki blinked, trying to seem innocent "I have no idea what you're talking about... Now let me down!"
Hijikata shook his head "Trust me, i'd want nothing more than to drop you on your ugly ass right now, but as we stated earlier- we have to do this to get through..." Truth be told, Hijikata felt like he was in control for once and god did that feel good. Would definately have felt better if the natural perm would stop struggling though... "This is humiliating..." Gintoki mumbled after they had gone through the invisible wall. "Okay, we're through get me the fuck down from here, our hands are still stuck and it hurts like a fucking bitch..." he whined, Hijikata shrugged, abrubtly dropping Gintoki's legs, but still keeping a frim hold on his shooulder so that they don't both fall again. Gintoki glared, using his free hand to flip the mayora off, god damn this pose kind of reminded him of when they were dancing tango, it pissed him off.
So much in fact, that he ended up punching Hijikata in the fucking face for good measure. "Hey! I didn't drop you all the way you should be happy i got you this far you fucking sadist!" Hijikata grumbled from underneath his hand that was squeezing on his nose to lessen the pain. Gintoki stuck his tongue out and kept walking without the other's consent. Not caring about the cursing and swearing following him. Hijikata even managed to drop his Cigarette during the struggle, furthering his his annoyance. Then the mechanical voice decided to interfere again, just as they managed to make their way towards a church-looking door. "The long-awaited moment has come. The bride and groom are finally about to enter, the last moment of hesitation has arrived before you are to be wed"
Gintoki's eyes widened as did Hijikata's "Ohhh hell no! Nope, nuh-uh not doing this! You have reached a Gin-san that is no longer in service, please try again later!" Gintoki screamed in that high pitched voice of his, and Hijikata shook his head in fear "Oh please, Mitsuba have mercy on me!" his desperate cries seemed futile however "Through your own free will, you decide to vow eternal love to each other." Gintoki screamed again, frantically trying to pull their hands apart, Hijikata even went as far as to pull out his sword, screaming "Hold still! I'll cut off your fucking hand! Just let me leave this place!" "Noo! Leave my beautiful hand out of this! Kagura i'm going to fucking gut you for this!" he shrieked, shaking their hands violently. "W-what does China have to do with anything!?" Hijikata screamed back, his face going redder by the second. "She was the one who signed me up for this bullshit!" Gintoki made the ugliest face Hijikata had ever seen, still struggling to get their hands apart. "Now, open the door together!" the mechanical voice finished before dying down. "No shut up you! Go away!" Gintoki was actually turning blue from the exhertion.
Soon they were both sprawled on the ground again, both of them breathing heavily. "I fucking hate my life..." Gintoki breathed into his sleeve, which was currently covering his face. Hijikata stayed quiet but couldn't help but agree, what would Mitsuba say if she was still here? The thought hurt but he couldn't help but think it... Knowing her she would probably just laugh about it...
Hijikata shook the thought out of his head, and pulled Gintoki to his feet "Let's just go in, and make a fucking break for it... That or we can always get a divorce afterwards!" Hijikata suggested, shuddering in disgust at the thought of marrying the natural permed sugar freak. Gintoki gasped "What of the children!? How can you not think of the children! Oh they'll be heartbroken!" Gintoki cried dramatically like the ass he was, and Hijikata found his brow to be ticking and his murder intent growing by the second "What kids!? We don't have any kids! We're both male you asshole!" Hijikata seethed, to which Gintoki pouted "I do have kids, you're just jealous!" he stuck his tongue out and turned away, trying to cross his arms without remembering that they were still stuck together. Hijikata rolled his eyes, pulling their arms back, before forcefully dragging Gintoki over to the church door, they glared at eachother one final time before opening the door together.
