Flowers, flowers everywhere. He'd had the dream enough times to know what was coming next. The wooden floors creaked under his weight as he walked towards the figure in pink. She was working diligently in a patch of yellow flowers, her back towards him. As he walked farther into the church, the floral smell became stronger. Pink, violet, and red petals all sailed through the air, although the pink ones were the only ones to ever get stuck in his hair.
"Aerith." he called softly. She didn't turn around. She didn't even acknowledge his presence. He came closer to her and called her name again, still no answer. She continued to work. "Aerith?" He asked, and she stood up, still not turning around. Well, at least it was something. Now was his cue to say something. But the words stuck like glue in his throat.
The first time he'd had this particular dream, he hadn't known where he was. There was the overwhelming smell of flowers, and a relentless wind . He remembered how surprised he'd been when a pair of arms flung around his neck and he was pulled into a familiar warmth. He'd known it was her right away. She felt so real and alive. But he hadn't known what to make of it . He just didn't want it to stop. The smell and feel of her hair when she pulled him to her with her soft, slender arms, the musical sound of her bracelets shifting by his ears...a time when those same arms fell limp by her sides as green reptilian eyes sparkled behind her, seemed almost non existent. Back then he'd spoken with so much ease. They could talk for hours and he was happy.
But he always felt different when he was in a more conscious mind, feeling strange for the time he'd spent with what was simply an illusion. In a conscious mind the dreams only highlighted her absence. But no matter how he felt about the dreams when he was awake, he found himself capitulating in his slumber.
In the dreams that followed he found that she would begin to fail to acknowledge his presence for longer periods of time. And his words began to fail him. Those emerald eyes would very rarely glance over at him, holding a bite he didn't know she was capable of. Now they didn't talk anymore and he usually just sat on a bench and watched her work in the flowers.
"Why don't you say anything?" Cloud asked, straightening in his seat as the wind suddenly stopped blowing. The happy, dreamlike atmosphere continued to evaporate. And he felt himself fall back into his true self, more the man who stood outside his dreams and found them strange, painful. "This isn't real." he muttered. This wasn't just fake, it was sick. If the real Aerith knew, what would she think? What would Tifa think? "I don't want these dreams..." He sighed. "Why can't I stop them?"
"I'd say it's pretty obvious. Cloud, you just can't let go, can you?" Cloud looked up quickly. Where the hell had that come from? Certainly Aerith hadn't... He stared wide eyed. If that had come from her, than dream-Aerith needed a throat lozenge, badly. Cloud jumped up when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see someone he thought he never would again.
"Zack?"
"In the flesh...er, but not really." Cloud backed away. Something about his friend's disposition was very real. Too real. "You really haven't changed much you know, you're just a little more brooding. My God, I thought that was Sephiroth's job."
"This isn't real." Cloud said disbelievingly.
"I suppose you'd think so. I mean, when has Aerith ever been so unfriendly? But I can't say I blame her. I'm pretty frustrated about this myself." He ran a hand through his massive shock of raven hair, sighing heavily.
"This isn't real." he repeated, stepping away from Zack. He eyed the other suspiciously, glancing once or twice at the girl still working in the flowers.
"Depends on what you think is real." Zack looked thoughtful for a moment but then shook his head. "But that's not what we need to talk about." Zack frowned as he fell into thought again. "Uh...maybe you should sit down." he motioned to the bench.
"No. This isn't right, this is a dream." Zack's eyes flashed.
"Hey wait a minute, I thought you liked this dream." Cloud frowned.
"Only when I'm sleeping. And even then I..." Cloud stopped.
"What?" Zack asked.
"Never mind. Let's talk." His mouth tightened into a line and he sat down, still slightly suspicious.
"Okay then, how do I start? Oh! Okay...girls. Um..." his shoulders fell slack and he looked hopefully over his shoulder at Aerith.
"Just a little help?" he asked her. Aerith turned away from him, a ghost of a smile on her face. He turned back to a bemused Cloud. Zack laughed and took a seat next to him.
"You see, she's much better at making speeches than I am. But she won't help me with this one. Says I have to be the one to tell you. Except I don't exactly know what to say... where was I again?"
"Girls."
"Right, well girls are tricky creatures. Some flirt outright and some are never that obvious. I mean, I've met my share of girls who want me to be some kind of mind reader. But at some point there's a girl who doesn't bother with games. They make their feelings pretty apparent." his violet eyes widened to emphasize the point. "Then, you had better notice. But few of us ever do, and the good ones get away, you know?" He watched Cloud looking ahead, blue eyes intense as always. "Stop me if this reminds you of something."
"Tifa." he said quietly. Zack grinned.
"So you understand now!?" Cloud shot him a look. "You already knew?" Cloud gave a small solemn nod to indicate that yes, he did.
"Then what the hell?" Cloud leaned his elbows on his knees.
"It's not as easy as that Zack." he said, feeling strange to have actually addressed him by name.
"Well, Spike, you're not exactly making it any easier are ya?" Cloud rose up, looking away from both Aerith and Zack. There was a sardonic, almost amused smile.
"You wouldn't understand." it was said with no heat, only honest conviction.
"Pfft, you really believe that don't you?" Zack watched Aerith who was still kneeling at the flowerbed bed, but not working. "You're not alone you know." Cloud's smile melted away.
"I know." Zack chuckled.
"So you know that too. Now, I'm really curious what's stopping you." Cloud frowned.
"I already told you. You wouldn't understand." Zack's eyes hardened.
"Well why wouldn't I?" There was a long silence in which Cloud simply stared ahead.
"Because I don't understand myself. So I couldn't tell you why, even if I wanted to. I don't know why I dream these things..." he glanced at Aerith. "Maybe I'm sick...wouldn't be anything new." Zack rolled his eyes.
"You know it's not about that. The bigger picture is about you. About you maybe letting someone in."
"Hm."
"And why not start with Tifa? Because it's clear tha-"
"Nothing's clear Zack. Nothing ever is, and I've accepted that. Tifa has a good thing, Zack. She knows what she wants, and she knows herself. Where I am right now, I'll only ruin that. And it's always where I'm going to be."
"Oh, stop it Cloud." he looked up to see a very frazzled Aerith. She frowned down on him, with one hand drawn into a small fist and the other holding a watering can. "You're taking what you have for granted. After all we've all been through, how could you?" she pointed her watering can at him for emphasis. "I don't want you to regret what you're doing right now." She sighed. "There's acceptance and then there's giving up Cloud. You have to figure out the difference."
The next morning, he woke in a bad mood. And somehow, despite not being the most intuitive person, he had a feeling the day was going to take that route. Because as much as he valued Zack and Aerith, their visit had left him rather irritated. He was a man. He had a couple kids- well they weren't technically his kids- but he cared for the children in the house like they were his own. He had a job, working to keep his mind and hands busy, helping put food on the table. That was what a man did. But times when he found himself desperately lost, when it either came to Tifa or life in general he knew he was a boy. When his departed loved ones came to him in dreams, bearing golden solutions to his stagnance, he knew he was a boy. He wasn't even sure it had been for real. Either way, Cloud resented this. He resented himself, because no matter what he went through, conquered, no matter how much he grew, he was still a boy, lost in his own illusions.
"Cloud?" He opened his eyes to his darkened room. Tifa was there in the doorway in her bedclothes, looking wide awake. Before he could fully come to consciousness, she was at his window, pulling the thick curtains back. He closed his eyes again. Hearing Tifa's voice made him think of the dream again. He still didn't know where it had come from. He wanted to move on. But then, Aerith had come and he couldn't deny her. All they had ever done was talk...in the dreams at least. It wasn't about forgiveness anymore, but something in him that refused to simply let go. Of what and why, he had no idea.
"You have three deliveries today, you have to get up eventually." Tifa let her forehead rest against the window. "I don't know why you keep it so dark in here."
"I like it dark." he said, eyes still closed.
"I bet." she smiled and came over to sit at the edge of his bed. "You're like a bat in a cave." Cloud didn't move. The shifting of the bed reminded him of another reason he knew he was a man. His strange reaction to her presence left him almost amused. Well, that was easy. Lust was simple. Any man with eyes could feel for her what had made it self known to his body this moment. But he knew she didn't want that (or only that), and honestly, knew he didn't want that either. He was insane. What man wouldn't want that? Take advantage of such an opportunity? "I cooked breakfast." He could smell it already, he could smell her. He could smell her skin, her hair...and in the moment he wanted to smell that on his sheets. Just as soon as the thought came to him, a nausea washed over him. How could he think that about her, when she was his friend, when he knew he couldn't her give her anything beyond that, or anything of the other things she wanted and deserved. He thought about that dream again, and wondered if both Aerith and Zack understood that he couldn't let anyone in. Most of all Tifa. All he could offer was food on the table, his presence for the children and problems. Asking her to be with him was asking her to get involved in all of the bullshit he carried around, 90 percent of it he didn't even understand. He cracked one eye open. Tifa swatted his shoulder.
"I knew that would get your attention." The innocent contact of her hand on his shoulder made both his eyes open. And seeing her there in her pajama shorts, looking pretty as always, he almost resented her. But he mostly resented the situation. He had wanted her, even as a child, and she had been unreachable. Now, she was right here and he was effectively standing in his own way.
He was still a bit drowsy, but he sat up in bed, his eyes still half lidded and bright with slumber. He needed to get downstairs, have some toast or something and get on his job. Not sit here sulking about the cards he'd been dealt in life. Cloud rolled his eyes at himself. Tifa was about to say something, but Cloud's hand chose the moment to rest on her leg. He swallowed. Why not deal his own cards? He suddenly removed his hand as if burned. What the hell was he thinking about? Tifa gave him a strange look.
"Cloud, what?..."
"I gotta take a shower, get out of here..." Cloud said, running a hand through his hair. "how many deliveries did you say I had?" He made to get out of bed but Tifa stopped him with a strong hand on his shoulder.
"Cloud are you okay?" he looked her in the eye. Her mouth was there and soft, and ready for him... he was dizzy and angry, frustrated with the vision in front of him, tantalizing and unreachable. Her hand came up to his face, and rebellion came alive in his veins like blue fire.
He took her hand away from his face and held it in his stronger one, leaning forward until he could feel her lips against his, open and unmoving. He could feel her other hand come up to his neck, her mouth start to move, and himself maneuvering them so that they could lay on his bed, but she suddenly pushed him away.
Just that felt like a bucket of ice water thrown over his head. What did he think he was doing? He was now very awake. Tifa looked at him like he was nuts, her mouth moving and no words coming out.
"I...Cloud..." He felt like a fool. And the way she looked right now, he kind of felt like an asshole too. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid. Tifa was a smart woman, she knew he had problems, that being with him meant having those problems with him, that being with him would probably be nothing but sex and friendship. He didn't exactly mind that, but he knew that she definitely did. "I can't...I just...don't think it's a good idea..." she was quick to stand up and nearly fly through door. Thankyou Zack. But Cloud couldn't really pin it on him, all of this was his doing. His problem. And fixing or facing it, did not seem to be an option. All he could do was accept it.
(A/N: And so the story embarks. I'm finding this challenging to write but I'm having fun nonetheless. I hope you enjoyed it and the next chapter should be coming. Please tell me what you think, whether it's just comment or criticism. Adios!)
