A/N: I've wanted to write Puddin's "Heart Clogging" challenge (found on Elysian Fields) for a few years now, but haven't had the courage to try. When Challenge Month was announced on Elysian Fields, it was clear which challenge I had to fill.

In case the summary didn't give it away, this story is crack!fic. Pure unadulterated ridiculousness. Please do not expect anything more from it. I sent it to my beta to see how many pronouns I missed, and their head exploded from trying to correct the gaping plot holes, OOC behavior, extensive tropes, head-hopping, and overall bad writing. I have shamelessly ignored every single one of their suggestions. (Sorry, Fox.)

Challenge requirements will be posted at the end of the story as per tradition, or you can cheat and prepare yourself for what is to come by looking up the challenge over on Elysian Fields (sorry, FFnet doesn't allow links to be posted).


.

What the Heck is a Pronoun, Anyway?

.

.

"College sucks," Buffy said.

"Hellmouths suck," Willow corrected.

"Don't know. Pronoun curses never happened while in high school. What kind of college professor hands out a pronoun curse to teach students how to write more creatively on the first day of class, anyhow? And then accidentally makes the curse affect the entire town?"

"W –" Willow frowned, mouth moving, but no sound issuing forth. "Argh! The frustrating part is how the curse only works on students –" Willow got stuck again. "On students with a complete understanding of pronouns. People unclear on pronouns are spared." Willow gave Buffy a significant look.

"What talking about? Can't use pronouns either, here. See, with the lack of pronoun usage? It's not the fault of Buffy."

"Invalid sentence. Pronouns used."

"What? What pronoun?"

"Just used a pronoun again."

"Did not! Wh –" Buffy cut off mid-word, mouth moving but no sound issuing forth. "That word is a pronoun?" With a glare, Buffy said, "Thanks for pointing the word out. Now it's gone from the vocabulary."

Willow sighed, and refrained from pointing out further pronoun usage. Buffy was already hard enough to understand most days, even with pronouns. "Sometimes that word is an adjective and not a pronoun," Willow said in conciliation. If the word is followed by a noun."

Buffy's forehead creased in thought as Willow rapped at Giles' door. "Hi, Giles," Willow said when the door opened. "Has the pronoun curse affected the resident of this house as well?"

"Dear lord," Giles said. "A curse is the reason for this inability to speak clearly and concisely? How interesting! And frustrating."

"Frustrating is the opinion of this girl," Willow said, following Giles inside to the piles of books on the table.

Buffy followed as well, forehead still creased.

"The curse isn't affecting only residents," Giles said. "The curse has affected even the books! All pronouns have disappeared from all books. And," Giles added, "in the opinion of this man, the entire multi-verse. Even a writer reporting on this situation, or a storyteller novelizing these events, would be affected."

"Not a single person anywhere in the multi-verse can use pronouns?" Willow said in horror. "Time for research!"

"Indeed." Giles sat and returned to leafing through the closest book.

Buffy sat too. "If that word is a pronoun, it can't be the only one missed by this Slayer."

Giles looked at Buffy. "Indeed. The Slayer used a pronoun just now." Giles turned to Willow. "How can Buffy still use pronouns?"

"Which word was a pronoun?" Buffy interrupted. "No, wait. Don't want the same thing to happen as earlier."

"The curse only works when the speaker knows the word is a pronoun," Willow said to Giles.

Giles removed eyeglasses and began to polish with thoughtful deliberation. "Fascinating."

The door burst open. "How come everbody's talking like Yoda?" Xander said. "I can't make heads or tails of it. Is it something in the water?"

Willow looked at Giles and said, "Today, Xander's lack of pronoun knowledge might be very useful. Xander can communicate clearly when other people can't."

Giles' irritation turned to fond regard. "Point taken."

"Well?" Xander said. "Isn't anybody going to explain what's going on to me?"

After Willow's halting attempt to explain the origin of the pronoun curse, followed by hours of research, Buffy stood up. "Willow. Books must be bought for psychology class at the bookstore. Coming with?"

Willow stood as well. "Yes. Good luck with the research. The female persons will return as soon as possible."

Xander began to protest, until Buffy added, "With donuts!"

Giles looked up. "Jelly-filled?"

"Every single one," Buffy said.

Giles and Willow exchanged looks, but did not point out the pronoun used. "Hurry back. This curse must be ended quickly," Giles said instead.

.