Chapter One

Kiss

I picked up the ends of my dress in my hands as I rush from the most beautiful wedding dance that there has been in Lexington, Kentucky in a very long time. The night air is cool on my bare skin as I try to see through my drunken state well enough to find my car.

It' has been a bad night. It had been going great, I'd been having fun until I looked up and saw the two blondes standing across the room. The site of them made me freeze and although I know all of the reasons why I still don't think to think about them. Mike had been my boyfriend of five years until he'd dumped me a month and a half ago. Breathing wasn't as easy as it used to be.

That was when I'd started drinking. I'd been trying hard to hide it from everyone, especially my parents who were watching me through disdainful eyes. I'd sneak a glass of champagne into the bathroom where I'd quickly downed it. Some old man next to me had turned his back for a mere second and I'd seen his glass of scotch just sitting there and I'd downed that, too. He'd looked confused when he'd turned around and found his glass empty but I'd just smiled and skirted away as gracefully as anyone could after ten glasses of champagne, one scotch, and three shots of tequila. Which was to say, not very gracefully.

Everything would have been just fine if Mike hadn't brought his sleazy new girlfriend here. Here, of all places! My own sister's wedding and there he is, standing across the dance floor from me with his arms wrapped around her. I could hardly stand the sight of them and I focused on my anger because that meant that the hole in my chest would be left alone for now. It meant that I wouldn't have a very messy and horrible break-down in front of all of these people.

"Ashleigh." I heard Caroline call to me and I tripped my way over to her. "How are you, sweetie?"

I reached for my eleventh glass of champagne and took a big swig. "Fine. Great. Fan-fucking-tastic."

"Ashleigh."

"What?" I said, looking over to glare at her through bleary eyes.

"Your drunk."

"I am not." Was I slurring? "I'm just enjoying a nice glass of champagne and my sister's beautiful wedding."

"If I thought you were actually enjoying yourself and getting drunk, I might not say anything but Ash, you look like hell. You've been hiding out in the bathroom anytime anyone tries to get you to dance with them and you won't stop drinking. You've swiped at least five drinks from other people."

Six. If you included this one. I didn't. "Caroline, I really do not want to talk about it." I said, shutting my eyes very tightly and feeling the hole in my chest burn around the edges.

"Sweetheart, it's okay to talk about it. You should talk about it. You guys were together for five years. You'd be crazy if you weren't hurting right now."

I could feel the hot swell of tears building behind my eyes and I was suddenly so angry. At myself. At him. At the stupid blond girl. "I'm not even okay yet and he already has someone else? How is that fair? What the hell does that say about us? Did I mean nothing to him?"

"Ash…" Caroline trailed off slightly and she was looking at me through sad blue eyes. I knew what she was thinking. Look at what a mess my baby sister has become.

I couldn't stand it.

I couldn't stand looking at them for one more minute. I couldn't stand being in this dress any longer. I needed to get out of here. I needed to go home, sleep this off, and wake up tomorrow with what ever dignity I had left. It wasn't much but it was something. Something that would maybe get me through tomorrow and maybe even the day after that. I wasn't sure how much longer I could do this.

I glanced over again at Mike and I saw him studying me through that blue-eyed gaze. His girlfriend was nowhere to be found and I could see the look in his eyes, telling me that I shouldn't be doing this. My hands tightened around my champagne glass, so tight that I was worried - and a little surprised - that I didn't break it. I lifted my chin slightly at him and hardened my hazel eyes, glaring at him as much as I could manage.

I could see that he was going to head towards me. I could see it and I couldn't handle it. Not here. Not when I was so drunk that my vision was blurring. Not with this loud music and these people who had been watching the both of us all night long. Waiting to see how we would interact with each other. Waiting, I was sure, for the big blow out that would come if he walked across this room to me now. Not even for the sake of Caroline's big day would I be able to stop myself from screaming at him for breaking another girl to my sister's wedding a month after we'd broken up.

That's when is saw Brad coming towards me. I was waiting for the sarcastic smirk I was sure would be on his face when he saw me and my bleary eyes. I'd seen him watching me, too over the course of the night. I was sure that he had seen me each and every time I'd snuck into the bathroom to gulp down a glass of champagne, snuck someone's drink and taken a quick shot.

The door was only ten or so feet away from me so I scooped up my dress and started heading for the door, not bothering to say good-bye to my parents or Caroline. I could hear Brad's footsteps quicken as he realized what I was about to do. I was sure that I'd shoved my key somewhere in my bra earlier tonight and I started to reach for it. I pulled out a couple dollars and a gum wrapper that I didn't remember putting there before finally finding the warm key and squeezing it tightly in my hands.

"Ashleigh!" I heard Brad shout to me as I finally got outside.

I didn't answer him, not in the mood to deal with him tonight, and quickened my pace. It didn't really work because I tripped on my dress and almost fell headfirst into a silver Mercedes. I managed to catch myself at the last minute and then I heard Brad running behind me.

"Stop." He said as he grabbed my arm firmly and stopping me completely with one steel grip. "What do you think your doing?"

"Driving home." I said. "Once I find my car." I scanned the parking lot for my gray Pontiac G6, not seeing it. Hadn't I parked close?

"The hell you are." He said. "I'll give you a ride home. It's not so far out of my way."

"No," I said slowly, to make sure he understand. "your not."

"Fifteen minutes in a car with me is much better than a few days in the hospital. Trust me." He was all charm and confidence now as he tightened his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him and steering me towards his truck. "I'll even bring you back here in the morning, if you want."

"Brad, no." I said, trying to struggle out of his strong grasp. I could feel the muscles in his arms flex as he tightened his arms around me. I was practically immobile, except for him dragging me.

"Quit being so stubborn." He grunted as he continued to drag me on. When I hit him in his stomach he finally picked m up and tossed me over his shoulder. I could feel the world spinning and I really wasn't sure my stomach could handle being swung around like that. I tried to kick at him but he stopped my legs from moving. "Your crazy." He said angrily.

He set me down in front of the passenger door of his truck. His body was pressed against mine and I couldn't explain the tingly sensation that I suddenly felt everywhere. I turned my head to look up at his face, not realizing how close he was until his lips were right there. He was studying me intently with those blue eyes of his, the eyes that were nothing like Mike's. I had never kissed another man besides Mike, couldn't say I'd ever even honestly wanted to. But standing here with Brad, at four in the morning on my tired feet, I wanted him to kiss me. I didn't know why, maybe I was just using him as an excuse to forget about the pain for awhile, that hole in my chest that caused my heart to beat brokenly. Maybe I was tired of listening to the sound of it as I tried to fall asleep and I wanted to think about something else for awhile. So when Brad leaned his face towards mine, I let him. I could feel his cool breath on my cheek and I didn't care what the morning would bring. I couldn't find it in me to care.

"Ashleigh." he breathed as he tightened his grip around my waist and pushed my back farther against his cold pick-up truck. Then his lips were warm on mine, experimenting at first, lightly. Then as his arms tightened around me, I could feel the roughness of his lips and I was overwhelmed by all that I felt in that single moment. It had been awhile since I'd dared to feel anything at all and never had I felt anything that remotely resembled this.

I wrapped my arms tighter around him as I struggled to keep him close to me. My finger tied in with his hair as I pressed my body against his. I could feel the hardness of his body, the cold pick-up truck, the warmth of his arms and the effect was dizzying.

I couldn't breathe.

He pulled away then, suddenly and I found myself staring at him in shock. He didn't say anything to me as he opened the pick-up door and lifted me into the truck. Then he got in and turned the heat on full blast, looking over his shoulder as he backed out.

We didn't say anything to each other as we drove the fifteen minutes my parents house. He said nothing to me as I got out, fighting with my skirts the whole way. "Do you need a ride to your car in the morning?" he asked, not looking at me.

I felt the shame rise up on my cheeks as I shook my head. "No. I don't think so."

"Okay," he said and then his blue eyes flicked to my face hesitantly. "sleep well."

"Um," I stuttered for something to say to him. Thanks for the kiss? For the ride? Drive safe? None of them seemed appropriate so I finally settled for "thanks." and then I shut the door and ran the whole way to my house.

Only then did I hear him drive away.

*

Mike and I had started dating sophomore year, when I was fifteen. I'd met him at a basketball game and I'd slowly proceeded to fall in love with him over the next several months and over the next several year he had become so deeply imbedded in my life it was like losing an arm or a leg when he broke up with me.

Our relationship had been text book perfect. We went out on double dates, drinking one coke through two straws. We were joined at the hip, we'd taken things slow, really gotten to know each other before we'd even discussed Going All The Way. We could finish each other's sentences, we were interested in all of the same things, had much of the same line of thinking and maybe that's what was wrong with us. We never fought, had never hung up on each other or stormed out of the room furious over the last five years. We'd said our I love you's every singe night.

I'd wondered, I admit, if we were really meant to be or if every one else had just tricked us into thinking so since we were so obviously perfect together. I could see our life ahead of me in ten, fifteen years I couldn't say that it was a bad life. In fact, it was actually a pretty good one. But that hadn't changed anything. Maybe Mike had been just as scared as I was, that feeling of there was something more ahead of you. Something else, or maybe someone else.

So even though I was sure that I shared some of Mike's thoughts that had led him into breaking up with me, I couldn't forgive him yet. He'd hurt me bad. I could feel the hole in my chest laboring my breathing, digging in deeper and drawing out more blood - and pain - than I'd known I'd had.

And last night, when he'd brought that girl to my sister's wedding, something snapped inside of me. I'd been the good girl since we'd broken up. I hadn't screamed at him when he'd done it, though I'd wanted to. I'd calmly walked away and cried my guts out any chance I got. I was at workouts every morning, I walked right past him at the track. I'd even talked to him a few times. But none of that had changed the throbbing in my chest, the feeling that I couldn't even breathe anymore.

That he'd taken everything.

This had been going on for six weeks or so and I hadn't even talked to anyone about it. Anytime anyone asked, I'd just tell them that I was doing fine, I was getting through it. I never let anyone but me see my tears. I never let my mother or my sister or Samantha hold me while I cried. I did that in the privacy of my own bedroom, my parents just a handful of steps away as I let my sad heart find solace.

So when Brad had reached down and kissed me, when he'd put his hands against the small of my back and drawing me nearer to him, I hadn't been able to say no. I couldn't even honestly say that I'd wanted to say no. I'd been wondering what it would feel like, to have his lips press up against mine. I'd been wondering if it would feel as good as I was hoping it would. I was thinking that maybe it might numb the pain, just a little, for a moment or two. I was hoping with everything that I was, that he would give me something just for a second, that would get me through tonight.

But I hadn't expected for him to take my breath away like that. I hadn't expected the fierce need that had aroused itself in my chest as he'd wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. I could hear my heart thrashing in my chest - finally not beating brokenly - and the sound of it made me dizzy. I couldn't feel the burning around the edges of the hole in my chest, I couldn't even feel the ache that was always there, somewhere underneath.

I had gotten much, much more than I'd bargained for last night.

*