Title: Jane's Wedding Day

Author: tika12001

Rating: K

Summary: It's Jane's wedding day and I should be happy for her, but I'm not. Instead, I can't help but think of how I will survive without her in my life. NOT A HAPPY ENDING (at least, not for the moment... might change)

Author's notes: Whelp. I don't know, I felt like writing a fic with an unhappy ending. Maybe due to recent personal circumstances? Anyway, I might write more for this one at some point.

OH AND I FORGOT TO TELL YOU GUYS (um, long term followers of mine... new people reading are like 'pfft, who does this girl think she is to think I care about her life' LOL) THAT I'M OUT OF THE CLOSET TO MY DAD NOW TOO. He found out by accident :-P but he's totally fine. It was entirely anticlimactic to be honest. A huge relief though! Anyway, on to the story!

R&IR&IR&I

It's Jane's wedding day, and I feel like I should be happy. I feel like I should be happy for her, full of hopes and dreams for her future, unbelievably excited to be standing up there next to her on her big day as maid of honour, but I don't. I can't.

It may be unbelievably selfish, but I can't help but think of what this will mean for me, of how much my life will change because of this.

I can't help but think of how I will survive without Jane in my life.

I am used to being alone; this much is true, and I am not being facetious in saying so. I have lived my whole life alone; or worse yet, surrounded by people who aren't truly there, people who are supposed to care for me, but seem to fall just short of the mark.

When Jane came into my life, she changed it all, and she did it so quickly and effortlessly, I barely noticed... I barely noticed as my walls got torn down, as she clambered inside my carefully built defences. She knocked my walls down with a smile, built them up again with a hug, and I wondered how on earth I had survived so long inside my fortress without her there, without her mispronunciations, her sarcasm, her quick wit and her warm nature.

It was at that point that I truly realized that health, money, clothes, shoes... they are nothing without happiness. You can have the world, but the world means nothing if you have no one to share it with.

I suppose you could say that I have fallen in love with her.

It is bizarre though; I have claimed to have felt the feeling before, but it is nothing compared to how I feel now. It is not even like comparing a candle to a search light, nothing like comparing a search light to a star. It is so much more, and yet, also, so much less than that.

It is simple, so simple that a child could understand, and so complex that even I, a genius, struggle to comprehend its enormity and complexity.

It is rare and yet plentiful, colourful and yet greyscale. It is everything and it is nothing and I don't know how I ever lived without this feeling... how I survived until I met her.

A knock on the door startles me out of my thoughts, and I turn to see it slowly creak open. Angela pokes her head inside. "Maura, I... oh, Maura! You look so beautiful!" she is gushing and I force a smile to my face, turning back to the mirror and looking at my reflection. The dress is beautiful; I have to admit this, the bold fabric underneath a deep red, while swaths of sheer white and sheer pink overlay the top. The effect is striking, beautiful, and it is made even more so with my hair gently curled and piled atop my head, my makeup skilfully applied to accent my features, but it is possible that today is the least beautiful I have ever felt.

The tear that streaks down my cheek is unexpected, unbidden, and I swipe at it hurriedly before Angela can notice, but Angela is not a mother for nothing. I feel her warm arms surround me from behind, the deeply maternal voice whispering soothing nonsensical things into my ear and I turn into the embrace, burying my head in her shoulder, waiting for the tears that do not come. It seems that that one tear was all that could be squeezed through: the rest are dammed up somewhere. I feared the flood that would come when the dam walls broke.

Finally, Angela pulls me away from her and tries searching my face for answers. I keep my gaze downturned, not wanting to look in those eyes that remind me so of Jane, not wanting to see... disappointment? anger? frustration?... in them.

"Maura," she says sternly, and finally I lift my gaze, but I do not see any of the aforementioned emotions in her stare. Well, no, that is incorrect, I do see disappointment, but I know that the disappointment is not in me. Somehow I know this. I stare at her desperately, searching her eyes, and she shakes her head. "I never thought..." she starts, and trails off.

"Nev..." I start, then cough, only just realizing that I had not spoken for the past 12 hours. My throat protested the lack of use. "Never thought... what?"

Angela shakes her head. "Never mind." She bites her lip, seeming to be thinking hard, then takes my hand. "Come on, let's go see how Jane is going."

I dig my heels in, pulling hard on the hand that she just grabbed. She stares at me questioningly, but just as quickly drops her eyes to the floor. "Never thought what?" I question again, harshly, and she sighs.

"I just... I never thought you'd be here. Bridesmaid at Jane's wedding."

The words strike me like a fist and I almost physically stagger backwards a few steps as I wrench my hand out of her grip. "You didn't think Jane would want me being her bridesmaid?" I ask, as the hurt settles a little bit deeper inside me.

"No! No, that's not what I..." Angela stops, sighs, takes both my hands back in hers. "I always thought you'd..." she shrugs, lifts half her mouth in a semi-smile, "I just always thought you'd be the one..."

"I'd be the one...?" I ask, but Angela doesn't seem to be able to come up with the words. "I'd be the one she was... marrying?"

She lifts one shoulder, smiles and inclines her head slightly, and I feel my heart break a little bit more. I consider Angela family; she is yet another mother added to my already confusing, eclectic collection, but the fact that she ever thought it could have been made official, in the eyes of the law at least...

Suddenly I am taken out of my thoughts sharply, as a knock on the door and an impatient yell garners both of our attention. "Hello, can I get a little help in here? You do know it's my wedding day, right?" The gravelly voice brings a smile to my face as nothing else, and no one else, can, and with a backwards smile at Angela, I leave and enter Jane's room.

She is wearing a dress. It is white, fitted, strapless, and amazingly beautiful.

She looks amazingly beautiful in it.

She also looks uncomfortable, and not at all like the Jane that I know. She is slipping away from me already.

I smile at her in the mirror. "You look gorgeous, my friend." She tugs at the top of the dress awkwardly, as though nervous it was going to fall down.

"Thanks," she says shyly, turning around to face me finally, and I know I am in trouble when I cannot tear my eyes away from hers. I force my lips into a smile again, unsure of when the last smile left, and she frowns, stepping closer. "Maura? Are you okay?"

I move my head, and I'm honestly not sure if I mean to nod it or shake it; for all I know I have simply swung it in a circle, leaving it up to Jane to interpret the movement at her will. Suddenly I find myself pressed up against her, my arms around her waist. She puts her arms around me unhesitatingly.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asks softly, and I laugh, pulling away from her. I pull gently at her dress.

"He got you to wear a dress," I say, and she grimaces, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah. I don't know, it's not too bad, I guess."

"Is it what you wanted though?" I ask, and she stares at me for a long moment. I cannot hold her gaze, dropping it to my feet. I know the true meaning behind my question, and it has nothing to do with her dress.

"It's what I can get," she answers, softly, and I look at her again, study her eyes, and wish that I understood what she was telling me. It seemed an odd answer to the question that I seemed to be asking, but the perfect answer to what I truly questioning.

"What if you can get what you want?" I whisper, searching her eyes desperately.

Jane smiles at me fondly and half shrugs. "I can't."

I step forward once more, wrapping my arms around her waist. "I love you," I whisper into her neck, and I feel her smile as she wraps her arms around my shoulders, our bodies slotting perfectly together as they always have.

"I know." She pulls back, waits for me to do the same, and stares into my eyes. "This isn't a movie though, Maura. Sometimes... sometimes you don't get to wear what you wanna wear."

I look at her, stare into her eyes, willingly falling into oblivion, but the knock at the door startles us both out of our reverie. "Come in."

Frank opens the door. "Janie. You look beautiful."

Jane's lips thin slightly as she looks at him, and I lower my eyes, knowing that she has still not entirely forgiven him, hating that I am able to read her so easily.

"Thanks Pop," she says finally, and looks at me, her eyes soft once more. I stare at her, but I cannot decipher the look in her eyes this time. Our gaze seems to go on forever, but finally she tugs at her dress uncomfortably once more, then awkwardly raises a hand, gesturing towards the door. "Shall we go?" she asks gently, and for one brief second, I allow my eyes to close, envisioning an entirely different scenario, where she wears a classy white suit with a Red Sox jersey underneath, where I wear a white dress with a long train. A fantasy in which we head either for the home plate at Fenway, or the cliffs of Santorini above a volcano, or somewhere in between, because we're too much in love to really care that much. But it is just a fantasy, and real life beckons me impatiently forward, so I open my eyes with a sigh and look at the beautiful woman in front of me once more, the one who told me she would never wear a dress, the one who proclaimed to not need a man in her life.

I wonder when I lost her.

I wonder if I ever truly had her.

"Let's go," I agree quietly, and I pretend to not feel my heart break as she moves out the door towards her future, leaving me behind.

I should be used to it by now.

After all, I'm used to being alone.

END?

I'm just gonna... go hide now, k? REVIEW. Please. K, thanks, bye. :-P
Love to all, Katie xoxo