This is a short, quick drabble typed out before work. I just recently watched tmfu and couldn't get this out of my head.
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Illya knows that he shouldn't get so close, but he likes the way the word tastes on his lips. It tastes sweet and secret, like a stolen dessert, but later curdles in his stomach because it isn't his to keep.
Everything he has ever done has been for the benefit of Mother Russia, even to the point of being at his own expense; and now he has this chance to pretend he has something of his own. He can't seem to help himself.
This word that he wants to keep, it has expectations and mannerisms. And this play he has to act in in order to keep this word for himself, for just for a little longer, is not a production he has ever prepared for. Illya is not sweet or charming. Illya does not smile and put people at ease or have them eating from his hand. He is the best because can knock a man out with one punch and is smart enough to be able to get the job done. And yet, this word, this idea, this woman, has succeeded in softening him like nothing else ever could. It makes him want things he knows he shouldn't want; makes him think thoughts that should never be said.
And he knows he can't keep this. He will succeed, they will succeed, and then it will all be over. All will go their separate ways, and he will return to doing, being who he was before.
That's why he uses the word while he can, keeps the lie close to himself and pretends it's true while they still get to play this mission out. It's why he doesn't make eye contact when Solo quirks a brow at him and smirks.
Because maybe he's using the word 'fiancé' a bit too frequently, and maybe he's a bit too adamant that they maintain their roles. But it's only for a little while and he wants to keep her while he can.
