A/N: This takes place sometime before the last book.
I've been lying,
to keep you from this pain
Now your crying,
and to know that I'm to blame
And I'll miss you
But its over now
Rachel walked over to her window and looked out. The sky was drizzling drops of rain that hit her hands with steady thuds and plunks when she stuck out her hand. She sighed. Tomorrow, there would be another battle. And if she survived that, there would be another. Yet another still the next day...
She walked back over to her dresser, not bothering to shut her window. The neatly framed picture on her desk had attracted her attention. Picking it up, she laughed quietly. If she had laughed loudly, someone might have heard. If someone heard, they might have thought to enquire as to what she was doing walking around restlessly at three in the morning.
The picture frame bordered five laughing faces. That day, she, Marco, Cassie, Jake, and a human-morphed Ax had gone to the Cinnabon together. Rachel had found a disposable camera in the bottom of her bag, and Tobias had taken that picture.
I'm so sorry,
that it had to be this way
Please don't hate me,
but there's nothing you can say
To change my mind
Everyone had been joking around; making fun of Ax's Cinnabon addiction and how Marco had fallen out of his chair somehow. That had been a good day.
On that day, she had almost preferred the company of her friends to the heat of the fight.
I've got to go away
Ax's fetish for cinnamon buns had nothing on her love of battle. She lusted for it now. It was sick, and wrong, and she hated herself for it. Cassie cried for the victims she killed and even for the enemies that fell. Rachel just wanted more to die. No, that wasn't right. She wanted to kill them.
The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more
Burying her face in her hands, she just sat down where she was, on the floor. She felt tears run down her face and wished that they were some sort of penance.
Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
Now there was Tobias. Well, Tobias had been there for a while. Always shy and quiet, but so toughened by his experiences in the wild, not to mention the contact they all had had with the Yeerks.
It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boyfriend,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now
She loved him. It was undeniable. That wasn't the problem. Her strength was in her ability to put everything behind her except that rage...that feeling of power in a body not her own...when she could hurt, and maim, and kill...All for the good. Almost - she could almost justify it.
And Baby I'm sorry
That it had to be this way
Please don't hate me, but there's nothing you can say
To Change my mind
Not quite, though. Wanting to go on a suicidal mission for the opportunity to crack necks was not justified. It couldn't ever be justified. Rachel even understood that the Yeerks weren't evil, and didn't truly deserve death either. Lack of brains was not a problem, although she honestly almost wished that she could be simpler. If she was, perhaps she might be able to explain all these feelings away.
The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more
It was so sad. The lust for the kill overcame her lust for her love. Tobias loved her; it was clear to everyone. That was a problem. If she waited any longer to stop what was happening, her death would ruin him. He always did take life too seriously, she thought affectionately.
Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
Lay down what
So she needed to stop it. She would have to do the hardest thing she could do - except give up her glory in death. And she couldn't do that.
It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boy,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now
She didn't have the strength.
I never put the effort in to the things that really counted
A word here, and a kiss there
Could change the way its turning out
Iwork so hard at all the things you never cared about
How hands work & fingers moving, Eyes wide Shut
And baby I'm lonely
Though your right in front of me
Well its over now
Rachel knew that, in the end, she would die. One way or another. Either the Yeerks would finally win, and take her away from this place... Or she would live through the war. And go slowly crazy, not being able to hurt. Tobias deserved more than that.
The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more
All Tobias wanted was her heart. She couldn't give that; if she told herself the complete truth, the Yeerks were the ones that really owned her heart, she thought with revulsion.
Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
I used to like the way you said
Baby back it up,
Lay down what
Tomorrow she would tell him. Pretty lies about how she wanted to be just friends would spew from her pretty mouth, and his pretty soul would bleed, but it would be hidden inside of his hawk shell. That hawk body was the best protection he'd ever have.
It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boy,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now
I'm backin up,
Baby cause it's over now
Pretty pretty pretty pretty boyfriend,
C'mon
c'mon
c'mon
c'mon
Baby back it up
Lay down what
It was fun but it couldnt last forever
bye bye pretty boy
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause it's over now
Rachel sat on the floor and felt the last slow, silent tear trickle down past her nose and around her chin. She didn't wonder where she was going, or what it was she'd do now. She knew - she would keep killing. And killing. And killing...
