You had thought about it at times, in between companions especially. You would feel pain at the loss of your latest, wonderful, amazing friend, but at the same time you'd see her for what she really was: the last in a long line of human beings you had hurt more than it could ever be considered worth. Then you'd dream of him, the one person you would never have to feel guilty about hurting. The one who'd have no choice but to listen when you said "don't wander off", the one who you would never have to die for because you'd never be able to live with the guilt. The only person left in existence who was even from your planet, the only other person of your own species, and god, how you'd crave his company then.

Until you stumbled upon another human girl with more charm than she understood she possessed, of course, and couldn't help but to want to take her out and see the world. All of time and space, together with you… and there it was, the vague aching again. Sometimes, all you wanted was to go home, and you couldn't do that. Not even almost. Your home was gone, it was all your fault, and every time you had to confess this it became just a little bit harder. You longed for the company of someone who'd already know, someone who wouldn't pretend it was in any sense alright but rather make you pay for it so that you could finally have redemption. So you could finally have forgiveness.

So when you next stumbled upon him, it wasn't a spur-of-the-moment thing. It was well thought through, your plan on keeping him. It'd be almost like old times, when you had been friends back on Gallifrey, and you knew he wouldn't back down from an argument with you. You knew he was evil, and you knew he needed somewhere to channel that evil, and you knew you were perfect for him doing so. You could take anything he had to give you, and it was completely justified – you had killed of two species, you didn't deserve anything other than pain. You would welcome him with open arms. The two of you would finally get perhaps not what one might call a happily ever after, but the closest to it you were ever going to come.

All he had to do was regenerate. It was just a bullet, surely he would regenerate.

He had to regenerate.