Staying Sane: Akihiko Sanada
Over the course of this process I think I must have been asked by each remaining member of the team 'why'. Why would I work so hard to give everyone hope, only to turn around and try to end my one life. Why would I give up the fight when fighting was something I did so well. These questions have been presented to me over and over, yet I have no answer. I was able to justify it to myself, but I would never be able to justify it to them. None of the remaining SEES members knew me well enough for that.
Mina and Shinji had passed on. Their deaths were relatively close together. Mina died at noon on March 10th. I had been there when she slipped away, loyally by her side and holding her hand. The doctors had told everyone she died of a lack of energy, as if that final battle had literally taken everything she had. No one truly understood what I had actually lost that day. She would have been my wife, she was my everything, and she carried my child.
From what we could tell, it happened on Christmas Eve. It made fighting that last battle all the more difficult for me. She wanted to take down Nyx for everyone, but especially for me and the child we had created together. Part of me did feel bad. After all, she was Shinji's girl and he was alive. She had been lonely and I was willing to fill that void. We had told no one, at her request, and I wanted to hide it from all of the group members. I managed to talk to the doctors about privacy and dignity, and luckily her condition in that regard was never reported to Mitsuru.
Shinji must have known when she left. On March 11th the doctors declared him brain dead. Mitsuru decided to order him off life support after it was explained that Shinji would have been completely unable to talk, walk, or be himself even if he somehow did wake up. It bothered me that Mitsuru was the one to decide his fate when he was my best friend and my only remaining family. At least this way he was able to join Mika and Mina. I knew he would want that.
Perhaps that line of thinking was the answer to my 'why'. I was here and completely alone. I desperately wanted to see Miki again, to apologize to Shinji for touching Mina, to let Mina know how sorry I was for not protecting her. It didn't matter hat started the thinking but I kept telling myself how hopeless it all was.
In reality, it was so easy. I didn't have to talk myself up or convince myself it was the right thing. Even the method in which I would end my life was as natural as breathing. Since Mitsuru had taken our envokers, I had a hole in my heart. I never thought I'd miss Ceaser so much, though in a way, I suppose he was the very last friend I had lost. Anyway, Aigis had plenty of guns. Even stealing one was simple.
It was completely different from my envoker. The metal was cold and it felt very heavy in my hands, especially after I had loaded it. Still I wanted it to feel right, I wanted to become one with Ceaser again, so I held it just like I always had. For the first time it felt awkward to hold the gun this way, upside down against my forehead.
I don't remember my thoughts at that moment. I imagine it was about as happy as I had been in months. I didn't even notice when Junpei, Yukari, and Aigis walked in. What I do remember is how tense I became when I heard Junpei's voice, how my blood went cold and I couldn't move from my compromising position.
"Akihiko-senpai? I thought we turned our envokers in to Mitsuru-senpai." His naivety was amusing. He was easily the slowest in our group.
Aigis was not a fool though. "That is not an envoker." Even now, as I sit about to end it all, I was amazed by how human Aigis was becoming. She sounded almost worried despite the robotic tone that remained in her voice. Before I even realized she had crossed the room, there was a sharp pain in my wrist as she twisted my hand away from my forehead. My hand must have tensed and pulled the trigger because a blast deafened me briefly. The bullet was lodged harmlessly in the wall, which I have no doubt was her intention.
With Yukari and Junpei there, I felt uncomfortable trying to wrestle for a loaded gun. I wanted to end my life, not theirs. I released my hold on it with a heavy sigh. Doing so made me tremble. I needed that release and it was the only way that felt right.
Yukari was crying and Junpei was shocked. Neither were in a position to take control, with Mina gone we were lost. At least Aigis could remain calm and give out orders. Her cold metal hand still squeezing my wrist like a vice was a poor substitute for Mina's warm assuring one. "Yukari-chan, please go inform Mitsuru-senpai. She will need to call the hospital and have a room prepared. Junpei-kun, watch him while I secure all the firearms to prevent any further complications."
They followed her with ease. It wasn't until she released my wrist that I realized how badly it hurt. I put my left hand over it as if somehow it would keep the swelling down. Junpei must have gotten over his shock fairly quickly. "Senpai…why? Why would you do this?"
It was my first 'why'. My head wasn't ready and I actually tried to come up with something. Nothing I could rationalize seemed like something Junpei would understand. I was sick of losing everything I care about. I didn't want to be alone. I'm not strong enough to go on. None of it seemed sufficient. "…You wouldn't understand."
At least he didn't argue with me.
