A/N: Ta-dah! I was bored and thought 'Hey, why not put some more crap up?' Because hey, I don't think I've done a very good job of ruining fanfiction for people. So here you go. The first whatever I feel like calling this. I got tired of making new things for random one-shots so I decided to throw them all in one place. It's just as the discriptions says people. Enjoy!

Warning: Epic failure on everyones part.

It seriously isn't what you think, just keep reading until the end.

Title- Watermelon Baby


It was a warm sunny day, with birds singing merrily and every now and then a pleasant breeze would pass over. That same breeze occasionally pulled at the pages of Arthur's book as he sipped his tea and read on his porch, soaking up the sun (and most likely burning at the same time).

So absorbed with his book he almost missed the sound of his phone going off next to his with some silly pop song that everyone was listening to recently. It was with no doubt Alfred's work.

He briefly considered ignoring it and continue reading his book but figured he might as well get this next conversation over with to save what little sanity he had left.

Flipping the phone open, he answered with a terse, "Hello."

"Arthur! Oh my god Arthur, please tell me you're home!" Alfred shriller than usual voice shouted from the device, making the older teen wince.

"Why yes Alfred, I do believe I am home. Why do you ask?" He asked only half listening as he flipped lazily through his book.

"Good, good. That's good, yeah, just stay there okay!" Arthur didn't have the chance to answer as Alfred hung up almost immediately.

Releasing a heavy and regretful sigh, he stood and gathered up his belongings to move inside to wait for his boyfriend. He might as well make a new pot of tea while he was at it.

It was just as he was just about to sit down to enjoy his fresh cup of tea when his front door slammed open, startling him.

He was still standing there, silently fuming, when Alfred clomped inside. He was frantic and sloppier than usual, with his clothes thrown on as if in a hurry, his hair sticking out in all directions and his glasses sitting on his face crooked in front of his eyes.

"Arthur! Artie, where you at? I need to tell you somethin' important!" The American wailed as he found him and dragged him into a rib-crushing hug.

"Whatever it is Alfred, I'm sure it can wait until I have changed my trousers." Arthur grumbled pushing the other teen away and began walking away.

Alfred grabbed a hold of him from behind once more. "But Arthur!"

"But nothing. It will only be a moment, I'm covered in Earl Grey." He interrupted and led Alfred to the sofa to have a seat. Patting his hand reassuringly, Arthur went to change his soiled trousers.

When he came back a few minutes later, Alfred was calmer but he still looked panicked.

"Now tell me, love. What's troubling you? Did your brother yell at you again, because you know I won't laugh to much if you cry." Arthur sat next to the other teen and held his hand as a silent support.

Alfred's lower lip trembled while his blue eyes watered, and for a moment, Arthur thought that he assumed correctly. That is until Alfred wailed, "I'm pregnated!" and collapsed into the English teen's lap with loud hiccupping sobs.

Dumbfounded, Arthur watched him sob, fully expecting him to spring up and cry, "Just kidding!" After a few moments full of dramatic sobs and confused stares he realized that Alfred wasn't in fact joking. "Alfred, that's not possible in any way. I haven't topped since god knows when and-"

Alfred sat up and glared at his boyfriend. "No you stupid! I swallowed a watermelon seed! God, I though you knew this stuff, Art."

If Alfred didn't look so serious, okay so even if he did, Arthur would laugh. Which is exactly what he did.

"Oh Alfred, you silly thing you. If you weren't so cute, I'd punch you!" Arthur cooed happily as he hugged the other teen and kissed his cheeks adoringly.

"There's nothin' funny about this Art! I don't want to give birth! That's your job!" Arthur went eerily silent and glared at Alfred, just barely holding himself back from giving him a piece of his mind.

With a heavy sigh, Arthur grabbed a hold of Alfred's face and forced him to look into his green eyes, his expression completely serious. "Alfred, I will only say this once. Men con not become pregnant." He glared as the American opened his mouth to disagree, silencing him effectively." And nobody can become pregnant from swallowing some watermelon seeds."

They stared at each other, both silent. The only sound in the entire house was the fan going in the corner and their quiet breathing.

"So I'm not gonna have to give birth or have a Caesar Section like Matthew said I would?" Alfred asked, just a bit doubtful of what the other was saying to him.

"No Alfred, it's physically impossible… Shouldn't you know all of this already by now?" Arthur glared at him skeptically, as if he couldn't believe his boyfriend really didn't know anything.

Alfred scratched the back of his head sheepishly, and avoided looking into his eyes. His cheeks flushed a dark red in embarrassment.

"I missed that class. Plus, it's what my parents and Mattie told me!" Alfred smiled happily and pulled Arthur close. "I think it woulda been fun anyways!"

"No Alfred, it would not have been and speak right before I punch you in the mouth!" Arthur shouted, yanking on his boyfriend ridiculously silky hair and glared harder.

Alfred just laughed and proceeded to kiss him.


Nine months later, Peter was born.

A/N: Just kidding, he didn't actually have a baby! I actually wrote this during our Rape class that we had this year... Some people actually think they can get pregnant this way. See what school can teacha person? So tell me what you think?

~I like my coffee delicious, thank you!