Artemis Fowl and most of the characters in this story were created by Eoin
Colfer and come from Artemis Fowl and Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident. I,
however, am responsible for the plot, Kip, Liz, Joe, and a few minor
characters who may not even say anything.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Artemis Fowl: A Psychological Assessment from "The Young Twenties"
by Prof. J. Argon, Brotherhood of Physiologists Commissioned by the Lower Elements Police
With the return of both his mother's sanity and his father in person, young Master Fowl returned to only computer crime, merely diverting more of the contents of Swiss Bank accounts to his own during his stay at various private schools, each of which lost more than one counselor due to his presence. He did not bother our people. Actually, it is rather embarrassing; we were the ones to call on him.
- Fowl Manor, Ireland -
Had he been anything but a genius, Artemis Fowl would be spending this, his first day of summer vacation, home from university, outside by the pool. Except, we must point out, he was indeed a genius. Now, at the age of twenty, he was in the process of editing the third edition of his psychology textbook, intent on the computer screen in front of him. Butler was sitting in the corner, reading a newspaper and recognizing at least three men on the "Ten Most Wanted" list when Artemis' cell pone rang.
Artemis sighed. He knew he should have gotten it replaced much sooner; the only person with the number was sitting right in the room with him. "Butler, kindly shut that thing off," he said testily, trying to determine whether the world-famous man he was quoting in his book was even remotely correct.
His large bodyguard folded the paper and switched the phone over to "off." Which made it all the more disconcerting when it rang again two minutes later.
"I thought I told you to take care of that," Artemis said testily, actually turning around and picking the thing up himself.
"Just answer it, Mud Boy!" The voice from the speaker was a bit distorted, but nonetheless it was Foaly.
Artemis picked it up. "What do you want?" he snapped. "I'm in the middle of something here."
"Well, we need you in the middle of something down here," the centaur snapped, irritated.
"Something illegal?"
"By our laws, yes. And difficult." The centaur knew exactly what to say to get the boy - er, man - genius to the Lower Elements.
"Let me guess: you're going to put us under for the trip." Artemis raised a thin dark eyebrow, brushing his hair away from his face. He really needed to get it trimmed, if only to stop it from getting in his eyes like this.
"'Us'? You assume we will let Butler join you."
"Of course. I won't come otherwise."
Foaly had been counting on that. "How soon can you get to Paris?"
"Where in Paris?"
"Disneyland Paris, if you please."
Of course. Where else would a bunch of short people fit in so well? "By midnight," Butler grunted.
"Gotcha. Be on the lookout for your old friend." The line went dead. Which, of course, it should; the phone was off.
Artemis sighed, saved the work on his computer, and shut it off. "Well, well, well. Looks like another rendezvous with our favorite LEPrecon."
"That appears to be the case." Butler followed his charge out the door, neither of them bothering to tell his parents where they were going. With any luck, they would be back before either the elder Artemis Fowl or his wife Angeline discovered they were gone.
- Haven City -
Holly Short did not envy Chix Verbil at the moment. The sprite was actually shaking a bit as Commander Root shook a fat finger in his face. "If you had told us earlier a mistake like this could have been prevented!" he thundered, face turning the traditional purple. "Such a stupid thing to do! And you call yourself a sprite?"
Holly had to smile at that one. Chix did, and often, when it was not required he fly for long periods of time. His wings had not been quite the same since he had been shot down on smuggling watch six years earlier. "I - "
"You used the Mesmer, is that what you're trying to say? Used it one night - one night? How harmless could that be? - and forgot to mention the result for eighteen years?" The commander looked as if he wanted to break Chix's little green neck. "Do you have any idea what the implications of this are?"
Holly's communicator gave a beep. "Yeah, Foaly?" she asked, flipping it open.
"Disneyland Paris by midnight," he said, crunching a carrot.
"And do they have any idea why?" she asked, raising an eyebrow in the sprite's direction.
"Negative, Holly. Operation Matchmaker has not been found out." With a wink the centaur broke the connection.
"Op - Operation Matchmaker?" Chix sputtered. "You can't mean you - I mean, she - "
"Suddenly feeling very protective, are you, Chix?" Root smiled evilly. "You have a lot of explaining to do before the wedding."
Holly smirked behind her hand. This - the name Operation Matchmaker, the ruse of a wedding - was all fake, of course. She should not be punished for Chix's mistake, not by any means, and not with Artemis Fowl. They just needed someone like him to move about up there and bring her down here.
"Holly, you'd better get to a chute," Root said evenly, turning away from Chix who was sweating little green drops. "And please, keep the reunion scene to a minimum, would you?"
"Yes, sir." The elf saluted and took off for her quarters to change into the proper uniform for a visit to the surface. Ugh. Mud People. And it was always her.
- Disneyland Paris -
Holly was pushing her way though the crowd though, actually, they parted to let her through, owing to the fact they thought she must be one of the seven dwarves or something. Well, a very pretty, clean shaven one at that, though her crew-cut could be a bit misleading. That, and the look in her eyes was not a friendly, docile one like one might expect.
"Ah, Holly."
Artemis had snuck up behind her entirely without meaning to. But, then again, she had never seen him in khakis and a button down shirt and was certainly not looking for someone that looked quite like him. He needed a haircut, for one thing - it looked rather roguish at current - and he was no longer the palest white possible; Artemis was now possibly the second palest man in the world. And he had grown. Well, being three feet tall meant looking up to everyone, but she was willing to bet he was a bit over six feet. That would be twice my height, she thought, trying not to make a face. "Hello, Artemis. Follow me, please."
He smiled a bit at that, being given orders by someone who looked straight at him and got a good view of his belt buckle. Had she shrunk? No, that was stupid. He, obviously, had grown.
Artemis followed her, knowing Butler would in turn follow him. "Are we being jumped and blindfolded the minute we're out of the Magic Kingdom?" Artemis asked wryly.
"Sorry, the trolls have been left at home." Holly had to stop a moment and let someone take her picture with a kid and someone dressed up as Snow White.
"Isn't that a bit against procedure?"
"Quiet, Mud Boy. Just because you're read the Book doesn't mean you know everything about us."
"I see." Butler emerged from the crowd and was again at his shoulder. Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Stuck in line, huh?"
"Yes, the conditions of this amusement park are most unhelpful if one wishes to move with any sort of speed." He pretended to brush off his sleeves. "Captain Short."
"Butler." She acknowledged him with a nod. "Come; the chute is this way."
- Haven City -
Holly had to admit that, while he had grown up in some ways, there were still a few things she'd like to improve about Artemis Fowl. For one thing, he needed to learn when to stop asking questions. After about fifty "I'm not going to tell you until we reach headquarters," he had shrugged, folded his arms, and sat back in the seat. Of course, they had landed a few seconds later, but still . . .
Commander Root stood up in order to welcome them. "Artemis, good of you to come. You know Foaly. And this - " he gestured to a green quiver in the corner "- is Chix. He happens to be the reason you're here."
"What, he was stealing batteries and you think he got them from me?" Artemis plopped down in the seat provided especially for him, though Butler stayed standing behind him, looking for all the world like a Men in Black transplant. He even had the sunglasses. "Tough luck; I'm all out of double- As."
Foaly snorted slightly, in truth holding in a laugh, but to Root it seemed a snort of contempt. Which was fine with Foaly; he didn't need Root mad at him today. "Wait 'til you hear this, Mud boy. You might wish it was batteries."
Root cleared his throat pointedly, looking at Chix. The sprite shook his head, obviously not wanting to talk. Holly sighed. "About eighteen years back Chix had a little fling with a Mud woman."
It was Artemis' turn to snort. "Fling? You can't mean what I think you mean. Come on, there's got to be something wrong with that. Say, a few inches?"
"Must be hard making fun of someone when you have the same problem, eh, Artemis?" Foaly chuckled. To everyone's surprise Artemis turned a shade of red and shut up.
"Anyway," Root continued, "he only told us a couple days ago when we noticed some rather strange readings in the Minnesota area."
"Minnesota, the United States?" Butler clarified.
"The same." Root cleared his throat. "This, ah, has never happened before. A half Mud Man, half sprite. Or half anything else for that matter. We need to get her down here and figure out exactly what this means as far as our world."
"Her?" Artemis raised an eyebrow. "And what exactly do you want me to do?"
"We can't search as well as you can," Root admitted, "not for as long and not in daylight. You're the ones that know about us, and maybe you can even explain some of it to her. We need her to come here of her own free will, preferably a bit aware of what's to come."
"And what would that be?"
"Excuse me?"
But Foaly had understood. "Experiments, really. To see what her lifespan is, how much magic she can do, what exactly happened here. Is she mortal and human or what?" He shrugged. "That's about it."
Artemis massaged his temples. "How long is this supposed to take?"
"Well, we can help you locate her," Foaly said, "but then it's up to how easily convinced she is. It will be a challenge," he added helpfully.
Artemis smirked. "And you know I can't refuse those. Just one thing - "
"Yes?" Root raised an eyebrow.
"Is she going to look anything like him?" Artemis pointed at Chix.
Holly coughed into her hand. "Ah, we assume not, as she's been able to live like one of the Mud People for all this time."
"Ah. Well." Artemis stood and cracked his knuckles. "Let's get going. The sooner I do this, the sooner I can get back to my book."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Artemis Fowl: A Psychological Assessment from "The Young Twenties"
by Prof. J. Argon, Brotherhood of Physiologists Commissioned by the Lower Elements Police
With the return of both his mother's sanity and his father in person, young Master Fowl returned to only computer crime, merely diverting more of the contents of Swiss Bank accounts to his own during his stay at various private schools, each of which lost more than one counselor due to his presence. He did not bother our people. Actually, it is rather embarrassing; we were the ones to call on him.
- Fowl Manor, Ireland -
Had he been anything but a genius, Artemis Fowl would be spending this, his first day of summer vacation, home from university, outside by the pool. Except, we must point out, he was indeed a genius. Now, at the age of twenty, he was in the process of editing the third edition of his psychology textbook, intent on the computer screen in front of him. Butler was sitting in the corner, reading a newspaper and recognizing at least three men on the "Ten Most Wanted" list when Artemis' cell pone rang.
Artemis sighed. He knew he should have gotten it replaced much sooner; the only person with the number was sitting right in the room with him. "Butler, kindly shut that thing off," he said testily, trying to determine whether the world-famous man he was quoting in his book was even remotely correct.
His large bodyguard folded the paper and switched the phone over to "off." Which made it all the more disconcerting when it rang again two minutes later.
"I thought I told you to take care of that," Artemis said testily, actually turning around and picking the thing up himself.
"Just answer it, Mud Boy!" The voice from the speaker was a bit distorted, but nonetheless it was Foaly.
Artemis picked it up. "What do you want?" he snapped. "I'm in the middle of something here."
"Well, we need you in the middle of something down here," the centaur snapped, irritated.
"Something illegal?"
"By our laws, yes. And difficult." The centaur knew exactly what to say to get the boy - er, man - genius to the Lower Elements.
"Let me guess: you're going to put us under for the trip." Artemis raised a thin dark eyebrow, brushing his hair away from his face. He really needed to get it trimmed, if only to stop it from getting in his eyes like this.
"'Us'? You assume we will let Butler join you."
"Of course. I won't come otherwise."
Foaly had been counting on that. "How soon can you get to Paris?"
"Where in Paris?"
"Disneyland Paris, if you please."
Of course. Where else would a bunch of short people fit in so well? "By midnight," Butler grunted.
"Gotcha. Be on the lookout for your old friend." The line went dead. Which, of course, it should; the phone was off.
Artemis sighed, saved the work on his computer, and shut it off. "Well, well, well. Looks like another rendezvous with our favorite LEPrecon."
"That appears to be the case." Butler followed his charge out the door, neither of them bothering to tell his parents where they were going. With any luck, they would be back before either the elder Artemis Fowl or his wife Angeline discovered they were gone.
- Haven City -
Holly Short did not envy Chix Verbil at the moment. The sprite was actually shaking a bit as Commander Root shook a fat finger in his face. "If you had told us earlier a mistake like this could have been prevented!" he thundered, face turning the traditional purple. "Such a stupid thing to do! And you call yourself a sprite?"
Holly had to smile at that one. Chix did, and often, when it was not required he fly for long periods of time. His wings had not been quite the same since he had been shot down on smuggling watch six years earlier. "I - "
"You used the Mesmer, is that what you're trying to say? Used it one night - one night? How harmless could that be? - and forgot to mention the result for eighteen years?" The commander looked as if he wanted to break Chix's little green neck. "Do you have any idea what the implications of this are?"
Holly's communicator gave a beep. "Yeah, Foaly?" she asked, flipping it open.
"Disneyland Paris by midnight," he said, crunching a carrot.
"And do they have any idea why?" she asked, raising an eyebrow in the sprite's direction.
"Negative, Holly. Operation Matchmaker has not been found out." With a wink the centaur broke the connection.
"Op - Operation Matchmaker?" Chix sputtered. "You can't mean you - I mean, she - "
"Suddenly feeling very protective, are you, Chix?" Root smiled evilly. "You have a lot of explaining to do before the wedding."
Holly smirked behind her hand. This - the name Operation Matchmaker, the ruse of a wedding - was all fake, of course. She should not be punished for Chix's mistake, not by any means, and not with Artemis Fowl. They just needed someone like him to move about up there and bring her down here.
"Holly, you'd better get to a chute," Root said evenly, turning away from Chix who was sweating little green drops. "And please, keep the reunion scene to a minimum, would you?"
"Yes, sir." The elf saluted and took off for her quarters to change into the proper uniform for a visit to the surface. Ugh. Mud People. And it was always her.
- Disneyland Paris -
Holly was pushing her way though the crowd though, actually, they parted to let her through, owing to the fact they thought she must be one of the seven dwarves or something. Well, a very pretty, clean shaven one at that, though her crew-cut could be a bit misleading. That, and the look in her eyes was not a friendly, docile one like one might expect.
"Ah, Holly."
Artemis had snuck up behind her entirely without meaning to. But, then again, she had never seen him in khakis and a button down shirt and was certainly not looking for someone that looked quite like him. He needed a haircut, for one thing - it looked rather roguish at current - and he was no longer the palest white possible; Artemis was now possibly the second palest man in the world. And he had grown. Well, being three feet tall meant looking up to everyone, but she was willing to bet he was a bit over six feet. That would be twice my height, she thought, trying not to make a face. "Hello, Artemis. Follow me, please."
He smiled a bit at that, being given orders by someone who looked straight at him and got a good view of his belt buckle. Had she shrunk? No, that was stupid. He, obviously, had grown.
Artemis followed her, knowing Butler would in turn follow him. "Are we being jumped and blindfolded the minute we're out of the Magic Kingdom?" Artemis asked wryly.
"Sorry, the trolls have been left at home." Holly had to stop a moment and let someone take her picture with a kid and someone dressed up as Snow White.
"Isn't that a bit against procedure?"
"Quiet, Mud Boy. Just because you're read the Book doesn't mean you know everything about us."
"I see." Butler emerged from the crowd and was again at his shoulder. Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Stuck in line, huh?"
"Yes, the conditions of this amusement park are most unhelpful if one wishes to move with any sort of speed." He pretended to brush off his sleeves. "Captain Short."
"Butler." She acknowledged him with a nod. "Come; the chute is this way."
- Haven City -
Holly had to admit that, while he had grown up in some ways, there were still a few things she'd like to improve about Artemis Fowl. For one thing, he needed to learn when to stop asking questions. After about fifty "I'm not going to tell you until we reach headquarters," he had shrugged, folded his arms, and sat back in the seat. Of course, they had landed a few seconds later, but still . . .
Commander Root stood up in order to welcome them. "Artemis, good of you to come. You know Foaly. And this - " he gestured to a green quiver in the corner "- is Chix. He happens to be the reason you're here."
"What, he was stealing batteries and you think he got them from me?" Artemis plopped down in the seat provided especially for him, though Butler stayed standing behind him, looking for all the world like a Men in Black transplant. He even had the sunglasses. "Tough luck; I'm all out of double- As."
Foaly snorted slightly, in truth holding in a laugh, but to Root it seemed a snort of contempt. Which was fine with Foaly; he didn't need Root mad at him today. "Wait 'til you hear this, Mud boy. You might wish it was batteries."
Root cleared his throat pointedly, looking at Chix. The sprite shook his head, obviously not wanting to talk. Holly sighed. "About eighteen years back Chix had a little fling with a Mud woman."
It was Artemis' turn to snort. "Fling? You can't mean what I think you mean. Come on, there's got to be something wrong with that. Say, a few inches?"
"Must be hard making fun of someone when you have the same problem, eh, Artemis?" Foaly chuckled. To everyone's surprise Artemis turned a shade of red and shut up.
"Anyway," Root continued, "he only told us a couple days ago when we noticed some rather strange readings in the Minnesota area."
"Minnesota, the United States?" Butler clarified.
"The same." Root cleared his throat. "This, ah, has never happened before. A half Mud Man, half sprite. Or half anything else for that matter. We need to get her down here and figure out exactly what this means as far as our world."
"Her?" Artemis raised an eyebrow. "And what exactly do you want me to do?"
"We can't search as well as you can," Root admitted, "not for as long and not in daylight. You're the ones that know about us, and maybe you can even explain some of it to her. We need her to come here of her own free will, preferably a bit aware of what's to come."
"And what would that be?"
"Excuse me?"
But Foaly had understood. "Experiments, really. To see what her lifespan is, how much magic she can do, what exactly happened here. Is she mortal and human or what?" He shrugged. "That's about it."
Artemis massaged his temples. "How long is this supposed to take?"
"Well, we can help you locate her," Foaly said, "but then it's up to how easily convinced she is. It will be a challenge," he added helpfully.
Artemis smirked. "And you know I can't refuse those. Just one thing - "
"Yes?" Root raised an eyebrow.
"Is she going to look anything like him?" Artemis pointed at Chix.
Holly coughed into her hand. "Ah, we assume not, as she's been able to live like one of the Mud People for all this time."
"Ah. Well." Artemis stood and cracked his knuckles. "Let's get going. The sooner I do this, the sooner I can get back to my book."
