Chapter One: The Un-Cupid
"You reckon Dean did it, then?"
As a rule Hermione Granger couldn't be amused by crude humor. She preferred to think her laughs came from clever subtle humor, akin to the sophistication of Jane Austen. Nevertheless, there was something amusing about the tall, painted piece of a singularly explicit part of the male anatomy, and a positively blush-worthy part it was.
It was morning in the Great Hall, and rather than a daily squabble over breakfast meat, this scandalous piece of art work was enrapturing the Hogwarts' audience. The Great Hall was marvelous that day, golden sunlight filtering through the arched windows, while a light flutter of sparkling, snow tumbled to the ground. Food was (as always bountiful) courtesy of the house elves. Hermione sat wedged between the youngest Weasley's discussing theories.
"I should hope it wasn't Dean," whispered Hermione scandalized, her cheeks were a brilliant pink and she was barely resisting craning her head to look at the picture once more.
"Couldn't have been anyways," laughed Ginny "Madame Pomfrey locked him up the minute he got here, concussion in June, proper observations she said"
"I hope it was someone in Gryffindor, blimey imagine if it was Malfoy," he said horrified, "or worse Creevey."
Colin Creevey had become the object of Ron's eternal hatred, once his surprising relationship with Ron's ex-girlfriend Lavender had sprung out of nowhere, just weeks after The Epic Weasley-Brown Breakup. Hermione personally, was very happy for her dorm mate. Lavender seemed head over heels for Colin, and if such a formerly shallow girl was content with tiny, scrawny Colin Creevey, who was Hermione to say anything.
Ron was now giving a Colin a contemptuous glare across his pumpkin juice, one that Hermione had reassured him was terribly frightening.
"Colin couldn't reach so high riding on Hagrid's shoulders," snickered Ginny, just as two more bolts of ginger squeezed their way beside Harry.
"Hear what Malfoy's saying have you?" said Fred.
"Like the git, could've figured out who drew that magnificent drawing," chimed in George, giving a fond look at the staff table of the Great Hall, ignoring Hermione who rolled her eyes and opened up her Arithmancy book, suddenly much less amused at the mention of Malfoy.
"Was it you two then?" she asked disinterestedly.
"Not us, not Lee either," said George "we've asked nearly everyone in Gryffindor.""We asked Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw too," winced Fred.
"You really reckon it was a snake then?" Ginny questioned.
Fred shrugged "Explains how Malfoy would know,"
Hermione looked up from her book and across the Great Hall to see indeed a singularly smug look on a face, surrounded by eager Slytherin's. He looked up as if he'd felt her eyes on him and sent a wink in her direction. Hastily she looked away and tried to disregard the heat on her cheeks.
The hall was starting to empty as people flitted away to their first class.
"We ought to go too," said Ginny frowning "I got to find Luna before Herbology and she's going to be in a broom closet, I'm certain." She pecked Harry lightly on the mouth, then giggled when he blushed, before prancing away.
Hermione laughed at Ron's disgusted face and then again at Fred and George who were blowing kisses at Harry, who looked as if he was still in a daze.
"Mind if we got a kiss too Harry," said George sweetly, batting his eyelashes.
"Come on mate, give them a snog. We have Divination, I could use the laugh," Ron said miserably.
"We're off then," murmured, a still faintly red Harry "Come on 'Mione we'll walk you to Potions"
The dungeons were an unreasonably hot temperature for a winter's day. Hermione like every other Hogwarts student knew of Snape's fondness for heat, a fondness neither Hermione nor her hair shared. She sat down near the front of the class, where it was both the hottest and dankest and was quickly joined by both Susan Bones and Ernie Macmillan of Hufflepuff.
"I still say it was Gryffindor. No one else would've had it in them. Anyone you know involved? Any friends at all?" said Ernie "Of course I wouldn't tell, Dumbledore didn't seem to mind much."
"Everyone in Hufflepuff, thought for sure it was the Weasley twins," chuckled Susan "Ernie even bet as much, before they came 'round asking whether we'd done it'"
The loud discourteous slam that signaled Snape's entrance, cut off Hermione's response.
"Today we will, be appreciating a modernized type of Blemish Blitzer, upon the request of Madame Pomfrey that no students attempt to jinx off their acne within after class hours." Droned Snape
"Simple," whispered Ernie "Honestly isn't this third year level?"
"This not your regular Blemish Blitzer, Mr. Macmillan. This is the highly patented formula used by Tolipan. Rather than using dragon scales, we will make use of the dragon claws found at the front of the class. The Blitzer will be found on page forty nine of your textbooks, unless Mr. McMillan has any other concerns."
"Professor I don't know what you heard-," protested a prune shaded Ernie.
"Ten points from Hufflepuff, thank you Mr. MacMillan. None of the Blitzer is to be taken from the classroom or repackaged as Tolipan's-."
A slight sound from the doorway, stopped Snape's tirade. Hermione looked to the doorway of the class. Draco Malfoy cut an impressive figure at the doorway. Over the summer Malfoy had grown the last few inches to make him positively delicious, his torso was set with muscles clearly defined even under his thick black robes and his hair had darkened, whether through age or sunlight, to a perfect gold. He grinned wolfishly at the class, his eyes resting on her a minute longer.
Snape looked at him impassively, before continuing "Separate the vials between you and your table group, Ms. Bones fill Mr. Malfoy on what he missed." With that Snape turned, robes billowing behind him.
Malfoy sauntered over to Hermione's table, the smirk never leaving his face, causing both her and Ernie to scoff and Susan to blush earnestly.
"I'm assuming you're Ms. Bones," said Malfoy in a low voice, he smiled at her before acknowledging the two others "MacMillan, Granger," he nodded. Hermione gave a fake smile back.
"Malfoy," sneered Ernie "How come you're so late?" His voice was tight, still obviously stung by the Hufflepuff's loss of points.
"A gentleman never tells," admonished Malfoy lightly. "But I'll have you know I was booking an appointment with the Headmaster."
"What for?" blurted Hermione, extremely interested. Malfoy was in the running for the prestigious role of Head student, and she would be dammed if he got it.
"Curious on my free time? I've told you I'll always make time for you Granger,"
"And I've told that I become suicidal, every time you open your mouth," bit back Hermione, before turning defiantly to her potion.
"You're a charmer Granger, now I know why your boyfriends are so keen."
Hermione bristled with fury "Why you ferrety little-"
"I've solved the mystery," interrupted Malfoy "I know who drew the drawing"
"Yeah, it was probably you then," accused Ernie.
"Please like the Great Hall even has room for my gigantic co-,"
"Malfoy!" said Ernie "There are women present."
"My apologies Ms. Bones,"
"Susan," she whispered dreamily, before blushing, "My name's Susan."
"Ah, well then my apologies Susan," Malfoy repeated.
"Oh please," muttered Hermione, slicing the bitterroot.
Malfoy grinned before, cupping her cheeks and swooping down so their faces almost touched, barely a hairsbreadth away, so close she could feel his lips move "And my sincerest apologies to you too Granger,". His eyes scanned hers, layers of molten grey, darkening and darkening. He drew impossibly nearer before he yelped and jumped away.
"Kinky," he hissed at her, sucking his bloody finger in his mouth.
"Whoops," said Hermione greyly, wiping the blood of her knife and began sprinkling in the murtlap tentacles.
"Doesn't matter Malfoy," Ernie said "Dumbledore hardly cared anyway."
Malfoy's smile grew even bigger.
Hermione hesitated in disbelief "You're not serious?"
"Why what?" asked Ernie with concerned confusion.
"I'm very serious, it makes sense doesn't it," said Malfoy, ignoring the male hufflepuff.
"No he wouldn't," said Hermione, eyes widening.
Malfoy replied with a simple head tilt, before nicking a cherry preserve and popping it in his mouth. His stretched legs and lazy snigger reminded Hermione of Crookshanks, after a big meal.
Ernie looked around to her "What's happening Hermione?" he demanded
"The chair and- and oh my god the prefect schedule" stammered the Gryffindor.
By this time the rest of the class had tuned into the conversation, though seeing her bewildered in a classroom was certainly new.
"What are you on about?" asked Anthony Goldstein from across the room, his own potion rather disastrously all over Snape's floor. The rest of the class seemed just as intrigued.
"Malfoy, is under the impression that-"
"Granger you know it's true, you're smart girl" There was a pregnant pause, before Malfoy turned to face the class.
"You know who drew it then?" asked Roger Davies
"The prefects patrol the main floor every day of the week except for yesterday, the only people aware of that, ahead of time are the heads of house," he waited a beat, before continuing "The drawing was, rather detailed, meaning that it was most likely a male artist, it's also very tall meaning that the elf couldn't have drawn it-"
"Professor Flitwick, is not an elf" said Anthony furiously.
"I'm sorry Malfoy, are you trying to say that Snape drew it. Sorry Malfoy you're barking," said Ernie.
"Snape was at a meeting at the Ministry, he missed all of yesterday's classes" informed Hermione "He got here this morning, that's why he missed most of breakfast."
"There's another thing," said Draco.
"The headmaster's chair, is the tallest at the table, the only one that could reach high enough to do the drawing," explained Hermione.
"I'm confused, who are you saying it was," asked a frowning Susan.
"How astute Mr. Malfoy. Excellent, excellent indeed!" said a delighted voice from the doorway. A lean, willowy, bearded man. Professor Dumbledore stood beaming in the stone archway to the potions room, looking for some reason or another as if all his dreams had come true.
Anthony Goldstein looked halfway between laughter and alarm "No way! You're think Dumbledore got the sudden urge to decorate the castle with large co-. "
"Less of an urge and more of a calling, night time pillages and all that," interrupted the headmaster brightly, causing an expression of apprehensive terror on most of the students' faces. "Now where is Professor Snape?"
"His office Headmaster," said Hermione.
"How wonderfully ordinary!" exclaimed the headmaster.
He beamed then hummed a few notes, before noticing exactly what was happening in the classroom.
"Ah the Blemish Blitzer! How handy, I do have a spot on my back. Careful Mr. Goldstein, it seems your potion has a penchant for the skies." He turned merrily, lifting his robes so as not to destroy Anthony's potion which indeed seems to be levitating. "Tell Professor Snape to save me some cherries"
There was a long silence, before Anthony Goldstein's potion exploded.
"Detention! What for?"
"Anthony Goldstein thought it was mine and Malfoy's fault his blitzer exploded, little git." Hermione was furious, Anthony had blamed his potion's failure on Hermione and Draco's dramatic revelation.
"You'll live 'Mione, you've had detention with Malfoy before," encouraged Ginny, who plopped down next to her beau. "If you want I can Bat-Boogey him."
"It's worth it though 'Mione, you're a legend!" Ron said in awe "proving that Dumbledore, likes to draw…well magic wands." He burst out laughing again, spraying a bit of his pumpkin juice on his sister.
"Gross Ron," grimaced Ginny, before turning to Hermione. "He's right though, I heard Ernie Macmillan is telling everyone in Hufflepuff that he and you solved it, that Malfoy wasn't even there."
"No one seems to believe him, anyways," said Ron, nodding at the swarm of people surrounding Malfoy.
"That was pretty impressive though, how he figured it out" said Ginny before catching sight of her friends and adding, "I still hate the bloke, but you've got to admit he's smart."
"Little too smart of you ask me," said Ron darkly.
"Where's your detention anyways?" Harry asked spooning potatoes onto his plate.
"Library," said Hermione, ignoring her friends laughter, she added "Someone destroyed a shelf in the restricted section- Don't laugh! It's not that funny!"
"Sure it is 'Mione. No wonder you're not so upset, that's the place you would've been tonight anyways!" quaffed Ron.
"Funny" said Hermione, sourly. After Potions, her day had gone downhill. People stopping her in the hallways between every class to ask was it true or how on earth could she have known? By lunchtime the entire school had known, not aided by the Weasley twins who had hoisted her on their shoulders and introduced her as a fine art consultant. "The woman who identifies the magic from the wand."
Draco, on the other hand was receiving much more school wide fame than she, and had soaked up the attention fully. Looking over at the SLytherin table, a crowd engulfed him, to hear the story now with, apparently dramatic motions.
He stopped his recount when he saw her looking. Grinning, he got up, followed by a mass of fifth-years and sauntered across the hall to Hermione's table.
"Hello Granger," he smirked, he held up a folded parchment. "I've found this, mind telling me who drew it?"
"Go away Malfoy" growled Harry.
"Retract the claws Potter, I'm just asking Granger for some help," replied Malfoy, leaning on her chair, comfortably
She opened the parchment, before closing it hastily, cheeks turning pink. Oh dear this was bad.
"Who drew it Granger?"
"Nice bandage Malfoy, who gave you that?" retorted Hermione, forcing the color out of cheeks.
Malfoy scowled, before brightening, "Are you coming tonight? We're still meeting at the Library aren't we? Be sure to stay in your uniform, so we could try that thing you wanted to."
The crowd howled with laughter.
"Ah yes, I remember you wanted to try on my skirt" sniped Hermione, face turning blotchy.
The crowd shrieked, turning to their friends and tittering.
Malfoy's face started to look pink, before he composed himself. "Yes, but I still don't know why you want me to wear Snape's robes over them. Seems kind of odd, love."
Hermione gasped in outrage, the crowd was crying now. Malfoy turned to the Great Hall doors, laughing with the rest of them. Why how dare he?
"You pointy little ferret-head!"
"Save it for when I'm wearing the skirt!" yelled back a grinning Malfoy, before leaving with his chuckling gang not far behind him.
The Great Hall was suddenly silent, as Hermione fumed.
"Don't mind the git," dismissed Ginny. "What's on that paper anyways?"
Hermione looked down at the forgotten paper in her lap, before snatching it away from Ginny's prying hands.
"It's nothing-just a bunch of scribbles really."
"Hermione I want to see!" Ginny whined exclaimed. Hermione shot her a "not now" look and she quickly added "But, I respect your privacy...obviously."
There was a silence as both Harry and Ron stared suspiciously at Hermione, who was avoiding eye contact.
"Hey Hermione" interjected Ginny, "Did you hear Padma's dating Cormac?"
"What! No she fancies Dean, remember?"
"Yes, well she's dating Cormac," said Ginny, then added hesitantly "You are… okay, with it aren't you?"
"Oh God yes," laughed Hermione. Her brief affair with Cormac had lasted one, awful evening, but Ginny couldn't quite let it go.
Ginny held up her hands in surrender, giggling.
"Hold up, Mclaggen's dating Padma!" said Ron, "What is with everyone getting together all of a sudden?"
"Cupid?" guessed Harry.
"Or hormones," laughed Hermione, standing up from the bench. The lack of pressure, relieving her joints.
The quartet maneuvered their way to the exit, and through the castle.
"What's the password again?" asked Harry, as they reached the Fat Lady.
"Furta," said Hermione, edging her way into the portrait hole.
The Gryffindor common room was unsurprisingly crowded and once Hermione, had settled by the fire and opened her bag it was almost time for detention.
The library was dim, at that time of evening and was a comfy and inviting as it always was. Hermione breathed, letting the scent of parchment and fire was over her.
"Of course you would be happy to be here, Granger."
"Shut up Malfoy and pass me the list."
The Wizarding Rules and Regulations area of the Restricted Section was in disarray, to make things worse Malfoy had taken to reading passages from "Male Superiority in the Wizarding World". A highly outdated and anti-feminist book.
"All I'm saying Granger, is that if you can't tame that nest on your head you could've been executed before 1986," informed Malfoy unhelpfully.
"Concerned for my safety?" asked Hermione checking another book off her list.
"More like mine, that bloody thing, could strangle me."
Before Hermione could respond a hushed voice broke the silence. "Umm, Hermione, Dra-Draco?"
Susan Bones was looking at them very conflicted, but determined.
"Susan!" said Hermione, "What are you doing here? It's after curfew!"
"I need your help… I saw what you guys did in Potions this morning. You solved a-a mystery, it was incredible! I need you to do that for me."
"I don't understand Susan. Do you have a mystery for us to solve or something?"
"I've been getting these letters, from-from a boy" she pulled them out and Draco grabbed them they were written on a lilac parchment, in a black ink. All the envelopes were sealed with a purple sticker in the shape of a kiss.
"No boy, wrote this. No this was a pansy" Draco ripped open a letter and began to read. "Dear Susan, I know this is unusual, but I've noticed you for a while and I think you are utterly beautiful. My love for you is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs. A madness most discreet…" he trailed off, looking up at Hermione, who opened the next letter.
"Dear Susan, I hope you understand how much I love that you wrote back. Is your love a tender thing? For me it is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn. Leave your next letter on the third floor, under the statue of the woman with the hump. Sincerely your secret admirer."
There were five or six letters in total.
"You want us to find him?" asked Malfoy "But the bloke says here that he wants to meet soon." He pointed at one of the lilac letters.
"The letter stopped after that one, a few weeks ago. I didn't think much of it at first, but what if something's happened to him. Whoever he is."
"And the guy never gives you any clue? About who he is?" asked Hermione.
"No. Just that he likes me a lot. Unless it's…" Susan trailed off, looking at Draco, who was reading a letter.
"Who me? No-no it isn't me. I don't-I mean... I didn't write them," said Draco, who looked very surprised.
Hermione bit her lip, wanting badly to console Susan who now looked very embarrassed.
"I didn't really think so, I just- he said his favorite color was green so… I needed to be sure," said Susan, looking down at the ground.
"How often did the letters come?" asked Hermione, abruptly changing the subject.
"Every Thursday night, and I would reply under the in the mornings. I've tried to wait and see who delivered it, but they're always there before me. It's a walk from the Hufflepuff common room you know. Good exercise though I suppose."
"Who else knows about this?" Hermione asked.
"No one. This guy he's… shy, I guess. He doesn't want anyone to know about the letters."
"I don't know what Malfoy or I could do, really," said Hermione hesitantly.
"Oh please Granger, you have a million ideas- and so do I. We'll find the bloke, I promise," spoke up Draco.
"Honestly Anthony, I'm not upset," said Hermione tiredly.
"I feel real bad, you know Hermione. I just meant to get Malfoy in trouble not you. I mean he'd have put me in detention, if I hadn't blamed it on somebody. At least cause you were with Malfoy you got off easy."
"I'm over it, Anthony really."
Anthony smiled and departing, running up to smack Roger Davies in the head.
Snape's room was finally cool, the next morning, but Hermione was a mess. The night before she hadn't gotten any sleep and was now convinced that she'd made a huge mistake, agreeing to work with Malfoy. Susan's case though was very interesting- a phantom admirer, every girl's dream.
Speaking of whom, Susan entered today again with Ernie.
Could it have been Ernie? Thought Hermione. The two seemed quite close, and though she hadn't sensed any romantic feelings between the two, she was hardly an expert.
"Hi Hermione," said Susann shyly, sitting at her cauldron.
Ernie sat down and immediately began talking about how Snape shouldn't try and take off any points today.
Snape swooshed into the class, followed by Malfoy whose thoughts looked very preoccupied. He walked immediately to Hermione's cauldron.
Snape began the lesson "Today we will be making a Swelling Solution, found on page seventy-eight of your Above Newt Level textbooks. The three ingredients are found on my desk. Bat Spleens are incredibly expensive and they are from my personal stores. Anyone who…." Snape continued to drone on.
Malfoy leaned forward and said in a hushed tone, "Any leads?"
"Malfoy, we aren't Sherlock Holmes."
"Really Watson?"
Hermione sighed, "Not here, after class by the tapestry."
Draco nodded and turned to Susan to inform her of their plan.
"Be very careful, when adding the puffer-fish eyes. Failure is inevitable with this class it seems."
Potions was remarkably pleasant, for once in Hermione's Hogwarts career. The dungeons were cool enough to not add unnecessary volume to her curls, and Malfoy was extraordinarily occupied in his own thoughts. She had even finished her potion first and had had time to include the advanced antidote.
She swung her bag across her shoulders and cheerfully bounced out of the room. A pale hand reached out and grabbed her, forcing her behind the tapestry.
Adrenaline pumped through her veins for a long moment and she bit down on the hand that gagged her hard. She wished she still had her longer and significantly sharper teeth from third year.
A now familiar yelp filled her ears, before she was violently released.
"What is it with you and my fingers, Granger?" bit Draco.
"You didn't have to grab me so suddenly!" accused Hermione, hair flying.
"Right, it's my fault you decided to maul me!"
"Guys," breathed an anxious looking Susan. "Do you know- I mean have you figured- who is it!?"
"I think it's a Gryffindor," said Hermione after a beat of Malfoy-glaring. "That statue is along the route from our tower to the Great Hall. Ravenclaw tower is on the other side of the castle and Hufflepuff and Slytherin don't walk upstairs."
"I think so as well," Malfoy said. "It would explain, how the bloke has been able to slip the letter there before, you can walk there."
"A Gryffindor," said Susan smiling.
"He's also younger than us." Said Hermione.
"How could you possibly know that?!"
"We learnt about the 'witch with the hump' end of last year with Binns. Anyone over our year would know that her name is Armelia Kirke."
"Owner of the first veela hair wand," interjected Hermione.
"Oh god, younger than me! Let's hope he's tall."
Hermione looked at Draco, who looked at her with the unsure look in his eyes. She bit her lip.
"Susan… there is something else," she cringed.
"He's not writing those things, he's copying them," Draco said abruptly.
"What do you mean?" said Susan, eyes widening.
"He modernized Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet verses," Hermione said.
"Are you sure?" said Susan in a little voice.
"Yes, we both knew when we read the letters yesterday, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel those things, whoever he…. Oh dammit!" exclaimed Hermione.
"I know who wrote them," she exclaimed.
"What!? How?" asked Draco.
She laughed, "You really should keep up with gossip."
AN: Consider this as sort of a prologue to this story. The mysteries themselves will get better in the next chapters. I'm giving this story about three or four more chapters, simply because finals are still coming up for me. Fun. Also, I like to think that this story takes place sixth year, but I don't quite like the idea of them being Hermione and Draco being so immature. Anyways, this was inspired by procrastination, envy and Veronica Mars on Netfilx. If you have Netflix consider watching it, but after your finals!
Next chapter you'll find out what was on the paper Draco gave to Hermione and who wrote Susan the letters, as well as a whole new mystery. Ahh! Here's a little sneak peek: A shrill voice, stung with tears pierced the air. "I can't believe you would do that to me!"
All the potions in this exist in the Wizarding World and have those exact ingredients and there is an actual A. Kirke, but if she is the owner of the first veela wand or her very own hump, I have no idea. I tried my best to keep the characters true to their book selves, but let me know if you want Draco to be a bit more fanfiction Draco. Also is Susan Bones in Hufflepuff? I wrote this, but now I'm too afraid to check. Sorry about the weird spacing too, fanfiction, makes it very difficult for dialogue and my computer.
I'm rating this T, because teen content nowadays is much, much worse. Hopefully my innuendos don't offend anyone. Yikes!
Thanks to editing this, guess who's getting no sleep and has to study for math tomorrow morning.
Let me know who you think sent the letters and who you think is talking in the sneak peek.
