Chapter 1

Note: I do not own any Zelda games or characters from them or Nintendo. Other Note: This is a Zelda rewrite. This will not be exact in every way, like what the characters say and do. I may even add my own made-up characters. This is a fanfic after all, so I do what I want.

Deku Tree: Navi..I am old and sick and dieing.look my wang is all wrinkly.

Navi: I didn't need to see or know that.and since when do trees have wangs?

Deku Tree: I dunno.either way I'm dieing. Go to the boy without a fairy and bring him here. He is the only one who can lift this curse.

Navi: Yeah yeah. (flies away)

(Navi makes it to link's house)

Link: zZzZzZzZz

Navi: Wake up.

Link: zZzZzZzZz

Navi: WAKE UP YOU DAMN BUM!!!

Link: AHHH!!! (wakes up) STUPID FIREFLY! (starts attacking her with a fly- swatter)

Navi: I'm not a firefly, I'm fairy! The Deku Tree sent me!

Link: Who?

Navi: You know! That big-ass old tree in the clearing.

Link: The one with the wrinkly wang?

Navi:..yes..he wants you to go see him.

Link: Oookay.

(outside links house)

Saria: Hey Link!

Link: (thinking) God, what does that bitch want now? Doesn't she have any other friends?

Saria: You finally got a fairy, good for you!

Link:...that's all?...you don't have anything else to tell me...

Saria: Nope.

Link. (thinking) I'm gonna stab her to death then bury her body in the woods..

(links walks to where Mido is blocking him)

Link: Move.

Mido: Why would the great deku tree summon you instead of me!? I'm not letting you pass until you have a sword and shield!

Link: 1. Because you're a stuck up little bastard. 2. I already have a sword and shield.

Mido: Oh.(moves out of the way)

(Links proceeds to the deku tree)

Deku Tree: Greetings boy-without-a-fairy.

Link: I have fairy, look she's hovering around me annoyingly.

Deku: Ok then boy-with-a-fairy.

Link: My names Link.

Deku: Listen boy-with-a-fairy. A very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, man has cast a curse on me. Now I'm infested with large, mutated wood ants. You must stop this curse. (opening appears)

Link: Do I have to go through.there?

Deku: Yes.

Link: God.

(Inside the Deku Tree)

Link: Never. Never again.

Navi: Look at that webbing on the floor! I bet if you jumped from all the way up there you could break through.

Link: Hell no! That's ****ing suicidal. I'm just gonna cut through it my knife.

Navi: That's the kokiri "sword".

Link: No better than a knife. I mean I do more damage with a big stick.

(Link cuts through and jumps down, then goes on through the dungeon. Blah blah, stab this, flame that until he reaches the boss chamber)

Link: (hears noise) Where the hell is that coming from. (looks at ceiling, Queen Ghoma drops down) Shit.

Queen Ghoma comes at link, link throw a deku nut and it goes a crazy-like. Link does the same thing.

Navi: What are you doing!?

Link: Those deku nuts give seizures!

After half an hour of fighting link gets tired.

Link: Screw this! (Takes out a minigun and start pumping queen ghoma full of lead)

Ghoma dies and link gets his heart piece. He exits through magical blue light.

Deku: Thank you, but what you did was futile, I was screwed from the beginning.

Link: THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU SEND ME IN THERE!?

Deku: Huh, good question. Either way take this. This is the macaroni of time. When put together with the pot of time and the cheese sauce of time you can enter the realm of really-powerful-stuff and stop that very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, man from ruling the world. Goodbye...boy-with-a-fairy. (dies)

Link: My name's link damnit! LINK!!

(link leaves and Mido is there)

Mido: You killed the great deku tree!

Link: How would you know that?

Mido: How do I not?

Link: They were killed by mutated evil wood ants.

Mido: Prove it!

Link points behind him and a ghoma the size of the queen grabes Mido and runs off.

Mido: AHHHHHHhhhhhhh!!!

Link enters the bridge leaving kokiri forest.

Saria: So you're leaving.

Link: (thinking) Damnit! Out of all the people.

Saria: Take this along with you. (gives him a flute resembling a spoon)

Link: What the hell is this?

Saria: I carved it myself from a large spoon.

Link runs because he can't take her anymore.

(In hyrule field)

Owl: Hey link!

Link: What now.

Owl: I'm an annoying person that appears randomly to give you useless advice! (flies off. A gunshot is heard and the owl falls dad from the sky)

Please R&R.