Disrepair and Perhaps vainness

Mab Q.

This life I lead is hopeless. Each day I die a little more. I am constantly defeated by emotion overcoming me as these people who I call friends beat me into submission. I try to stand up as best as I can, but constantly am let down and apologize, even when I am not at fault. So many people think I am so self-confident and not a bit self-conscious. They couldn't be more wrong, I am aware of every flaw on my physical body, and my spirit, and I have absolutely no self-confidence. So many people take advantage of that, it's kind of pitiful. So many people walk upon me. I constantly wear a mask, concealing my feelings about my life and myself. I try to make myself happy, but putting others in front of me is more important than being happy, or eating, or having something. I try and believe people will get better, and I'll be happy someday.I don't think I will. I just want to die. See people I love, and be happy for once. Instead of being alone and constantly broken. I often believe I am in disrepair. Even a joke, or something slight hurts me to the point of crying. I try not to, but inside my mind is crying, my heart is crying, my soul is crying. I feel like I've been smashed to the ground and forgotten. I think I have endured enough to finally get a clue, but I haven't. I am still naïve about everything and everyone's emotions. I am constantly putting on some sort of amusement for a guest that is an intransigent to any movement. I myself am a ball of energy, and a ball of pain, hurt, fear, uncertainty, and hate. I don't hate anyone or anything; I hate myself. Most people I know would say I'm a baby, or stupid for complaining so much. I need someone to save me. Someone who will listen or at least pretend. I just wish someone would notice me. I guess I am a gutter flower, although, my grandfather would tell me not to cry, I am a blue rose. They are elusive and beautiful. Although everyone tells me I am pretty or skinny I feel ugly and misshapen.
Fallen Angel.or Gutter flower.
You choose. .