Okay, I suppose this piece needs some explaining.

Of all the characters in all the fandoms I've ever heard or read or watched, Emperor Palpatine is the one that I hate THE MOST. Not even kidding. Hate his guts. All the hatred in my being is concentrated on him. Some friends of mine thought this was so funny they had a bright idea to ship us. Whenever it comes up I fly into a rage-a rage that most have never seen me in.

So I wrote this-my response to that abomination of a ship, written from the perspective of my overpowered, criminally insane Clone Wars OC: Kailaa Revan. It's an old piece, but the feeling is still fresh. If you know Kailaa at all, then you know that she represents the part of me that is prone to anger management issues.

Ye have been warned.


Though Naboo was said to be one of the most beautiful planets in the sector, I was feeling anything but romantic.

Don't get me wrong, the night was perfect-the sky was perfect clarity, and a summer breeze buffeted my rat's-nest hair and kept me warm in the slightly chilly night. I stood on a balcony overlooking a calm ocean, its waters shimmering with starlight. The moon was dark tonight, but night didn't seem to need it to be beautiful. My hand absently came to rest on a vine, a purple flower sticking up between my thumb and forefinger. In any other possible situation I would've smiled at it, actually enjoyed this blasted planet. But there was a caveat to this scene.

"Lovely, isn't it?" croaked Darth Sidious. The flower perished as I clenched my fist.

From behind me shone a nauseating light of infatuation, so gaudy it made me squint. I suppressed a vicious snarl as stringy arms were put around me. Behind the draping sleeves I felt skin and bone and sinew, anything but pleasant. Especially when you considered my flaming hatred for this vampire. No, really, he's a vampire. I've seen him bite people, but only because he was foolish enough to let me too close to him. Well, drag me too close.

"I suppose," I drawled, trying to keep the venom out of my voice. Oh, and prevent myself from spontaneously combusting. He didn't notice my barely-suppressed rage anyway, so head-over-heels was he, and I thanked the lucky stars that glimmered above me. In order for this to work, not a sign could get through. I strained not to grit my teeth, not to swear at him, not to break his back over the balcony and toss his worthless corpse over-

No. I had a plan, and I would stick to it. I couldn't risk his survival. Because that always happened.

"Lord Sidious...," I began, spiking my voice with innocence. My face nervously fell, and I allowed myself to tense up slightly. He bought the whole thing. Man, that vampire must've been desperate!

"Yes, dear?" he crooned. If I had been feeling sorry for him for what was about to happen, those feelings vanished at his reply. How dare he? Knowing who I was, what inconceivable power writhed within me, he had the audacity to call me 'dear?' He must die for his insolence! Die!

My force sense twitched-I knew it was time. But cruelly I let his anticipation hang in the still night air, waiting for the right moment to shatter him.

Now.

"Eat laser, bloodsucker!" I yowled sharply, turning and shoving him backwards. His eyes betrayed shock and mild horror. A green lightsaber skewered him straight through the stomach. Then his expression was mild shock and complete, utter horror. A mask loomed over him, white and terrible, with two sunken yellow eyes like what you might find on a dragon. I couldn't help myself. I chuckled with glee. I'm sure the sound must have unnerved either my comrade or my prey-possibly both.

General Grievous yanked the blade back out, dismissing the lightsaber. Palpatine fell to the floor with a pitiful thump, and I stepped over to where he lay. The lightsaber wound simmered in his midsection, fatal to anyone except him. He wasn't dying yet, I could tell; not only did his eyes still blaze with betrayal and hatred, but as aforementioned, he was a vampire. Of course he couldn't be disposed of that easily. But I'd been prepared.

I slipped a toothpick out of my sleeve.

"Oh, and just to be sure of you," I said, as casually as if I were reminding him to pick something up on his way home. I casually held the splinter in front of me with the force. Gazing at it for half a heartbeat, a thrust of my hand sent it sinking into Sidious's chest, all the way through, straight through his heart. He gasped a little at its impact, looking up at Grievous, who tried to glare back. I could feel lingering fear in the cyborg, but I didn't blame him. Palpatine was attracted to me because I was one of trillions who wouldn't cower from him.

"I should've known," spluttered Palpatine. I relished the sight of the dark stain where I'd impaled him, the sound of his wet cough as he hacked up more blood. "You were too close to her for your own good."

"No. You were too close to her for your own good." retorted Grievous. I gave him a sincere smile, though he was busy burning another hole into Palpatine, this time with his eyes.

"You will pay for this. All of you. My fall will not go unavenged. I will find you someday, and you will die as I did, with suffering and betrayal and-"

"Oh, Palpa Dear," I sang. He quieted immediately, looking up at me as if expecting an order. I wondered if his obedience came from foolish affection or wise subservience. It didn't matter either way.

"Shut up!" I roared suddenly. All of it came out of me then, the unquenchable hatred festering since I was falsely apprenticed to him, the dark side he had been goading out of me-and it wasn't pretty.

Using the force to rigidly stand him up, I thrust him out and away from me over the open water. I heard the satisfying crack of his spine as he shattered the stone guard rail into raining debris, but I didn't stop, I shoved him out into the open air. When he was an inch tall from where I saw him, my fist clenched. With every piece I broke of him came a thrill, a tremor in the force to reward me for my violence, to goad me on. What used to be a Sith Lord was crumpled into an utterly imploded ball. Letting my hand drop limply to my side, the black wad of vampire fell, unfolding like an old rag, until I watched it splash face-first into the unforgiving surface of the ocean.

I wished for sharks.

I turned around and released a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. The lust of the dark side ebbed from me. It was over, and now it was time to clean up after the sorry old bloodsucker. I opened my eyes to see Grievous backed almost completely out of the balcony. Mother of Malak, he shone like a rainbow strobe light. At my attention, he froze in terror of my wrath, but I smiled and walked up next to him. He didn't dare move, not even to get away from this dark side demon that had vanquished the all-powerful Darth Sidious.

"At ease, soldier," I greeted him. "I'm not going to eat your soul. I know you're still afraid of me."

"Think of it more as a healthy respect for you," he defended, walking after me. I eased up myself as the glare of his fear dimmed to a normal level. The halls of Sidious's winter home were darkened, as it was two in the morning, local time. But since we'd arrived from Coruscant via a short bout of hyperspace travel, nobody was asleep very deeply, including Sidious's right-hand man. I suspected he was awakened by the death throes of his master, but it didn't really matter to me how he suddenly appeared in front of us, flinging open the door with a laughable urgency. Grievous started slightly, but I didn't react. I had sensed him.

"Dooku?" rasped the cyborg next to me. I coolly regarded the elderly count, though he was anything but cool. More like brighter than a desperate searchlight.

"Grievous? Kailaa? Where's Darth Sidious?" he blurted. I breezily walked past him, though my next word gave him a seizure.

"Dead." I said.

"What!?" he shrieked, reaching an octave higher than I thought his baritone pipes were capable of. I smirked at his surprise.

"Yes, he's gone," I mused, walking into my quarters. Sidious had lavishly decorated the room in shades of rouge and magenta-I loathed it. I decided I would sleep on the couch tonight, whirling out the door and into the living room. "Thank Revan he's finally dead! It was nice and painful for him, too. He was probably wailing in agony, but I was too bloodrushed to pay attention. It was great! You should've seen it!"

"You...killed him?" gasped Dooku, following me in a stupor. Grievous had retired to his own room. I was busy arranging the throw pillows and the lone afghan. I collapsed on the sofa, luxuriously stretching under the blanket like a cat by the fireplace. I noticed Dooku was still there, staring at me with eyes wider than planets. I stared back at him for a while. Truth be told, it took me a while to remember he'd asked me a question.

"Oh. Yeah, I killed him. Whatever." I responded.

"How can you say that!?" he demanded.

"Because he's dead and it's over with. No use beating a dead shaak, is there?"

"But-"

"Yes, he was a butt."

"You're acting like-"

"A child? News flash, dinosaur, that's what I am."

"I can't believe you did that!"

"What, you don't think you've outgrown your Daddy Darth?" I snarled suddenly, tiring of this conversation. I wanted to sleep, and it's hard to do that with a nagging Tyrannosaurus poking you. "Well, boo hoo! Why don't you go cry yourself to sleep before I claw your eyes out!?"

At my outburst, he vanished abruptly. Glad to have some peace, I made myself comfortable, putting a throw pillow over my head and cuddling another one. But for a long time I couldn't sleep. Bothersome questions from my conscience rattled back and forth in my head. Had I done the right thing? Would Dad be proud of me?

Well, why wouldn't he be? I'd rid the galaxy of a plague they didn't even know was there. Like I'd just ripped a malignant cancer out of its bones, free of charge. That's what good guys do, right? Kill the bad guys?

Of course it is. They deserve it. And it's fun, too.

At peace, I slid off to sleep. The familiar nightmares greeted me.