"Breakfast is a Bang, the Sequel!"
Chapter 1: Kakuzu Goes for a Swim
Summary: And Kakuzu thought that exploding cereal was the worst of his problems!
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Cheerios, Maruchan brand ramen, Quaker Oats or Pledge. I don't know if I refer to Pledge in this story, but just to be safe…heh…Oh, and Hidan's foul comments about homosexuals is straight from HIS mouth, not that of the authoress. I don't mind if you swing one way, the other way, both ways, or no way at all. ;p
A/N: This story is dedicated to my new friends here at Fanfictiondotnet! I hadn't planned on making a sequel to "Breakfast is a Bang," but since TWO people so far have requested it, I thought, why not? So if you haven't read "Breakfast is a Bang" yet, go read it. This sequel is going to be a series, how fun is that?
The day after the whole exploding Cheerios fiasco, Deidara found himself to be bored again.
With the attention span of a sexually frustrated, severely retarded, and possibly bi-polar orangutan, it was no wonder he was always bored.
Sitting still for more than five minutes was pure torture to the little artist, and the only thing that could cure his boredom was blowing shit up.
Remembering how much fun he'd had yesterday with Kakuzu's cereal, he'd wanted to try it again.
However, all of the sabotaged boxes of Cheerios (all fifty of them) had been tossed over the neighbor's fence. The resulting explosion had made a decent sized crater in the Robinsons' backyard, and Deidara peered over the fence lovingly at it, admiring his work.
Suddenly, a six pack of ramen flew over his head and into the crater. Deidara whipped his head around to see two of Kakuzu's masked thread demons hurling Deidara's beloved chicken flavor Maruchan ramen over the fence.
"Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing, hm!" Deidara said, storming into the house to find Kakuzu emptying out the large pantry.
"Cleaning," Kakuzu answered curtly, scrutinizing a dusty box of macaroni closely before tossing it in the large pile behind him. His masked demons lumbered back in to scoop up more food to fill the crater.
"Why would I sabotage my own ramen?" Deidara asked, his voice raising a few octaves. Kakuzu continued to rummage in the pantry, paying no heed to the whining shinobi behind him.
"The fuck are you doing?" Hidan asked, stepping over the pile of food and raising an eyebrow at one of Kakuzu's masked demons.
"Cleaning," Kakuzu repeated from the pantry.
"He's throwing away all of my ramen!" Deidara howled, snatching the last pack of chicken flavor from the horned demon and running off to his room to hide it. Kakuzu looked back at his two detached masked demons, and they followed after the missing Rock nin.
Hidan grabbed a box of instant Quaker Oats from the pile.
"Hey, want some oatmeal?"
Kakuzu considered for a moment.
"…only if you try it first."
"Why does everyone make me try things first? Just because something can't kill me…you know I can still feel pain, right?"
"You remind me every chance you get," Kakuzu said conversationally. His voice came out muffled, since he was in the far corner, grabbing the last of the canned vegetables. True, it was unlikely that Deidara had implanted clay explosives into sealed cans…but Kakuzu was nothing if not thorough.
"Alright," Kakuzu said, brushing a cob web off of his head, "I'm done here. Where's my oatmeal?"
"MOTHER FUCK!" Hidan howled. Kakuzu ran out of the pantry to find Hidan doubled over the counter, showing the obvious signs of imploded guts.
"Oh Jashin-sama…I'm dying…"
"Now you know how I felt," Kakuzu said.
"Yeah, but you took my intestines last time! I think I'd rather have them ripped out completely, than explode right out my fucking gut!"
"Shut up, already. And grab a towel, jack ass, you're bleeding all over the linoleum."
"Why, you inconsiderate asshole!" Hidan seethed. Kakuzu rolled his eyes and shot his right arm off. It flew over to the kitchen counter, yanked the paper towel roll off of its holder and thrust it at the priest. It hit Hidan right in the gut and he collapsed backwards into his pool of blood.
"Rot in fucking hell for all eternity, you number punching, cock sucking, curtain sewing—"
Kakuzu reattached his arm while Hidan went on and on, spouting obscenities like a semi-automatic weapon.
"—fudge packing, fancy faggot ass Frankenstein pa—"
"What did you call me?" Kakuzu snarled, stomping over to the bastard who had dared say the "F" word (the "F" word that is capitalized, tee hee!). But he slipped in Hidan's blood and went sailing on his back across the kitchen, where he ran ass first into the side door, crashed through the wood, knocked over the cluster of trash cans, tripped up Zetsu AND Tobi, who had been carrying flats of marigolds, smashed through the fence, and sank into the neighbor's pool.
Kakuzu sat at the bottom of the pool, wishing he knew how to become transparent. The Robinsons weren't home, thank his Money, but he wasn't sinking at the bottom of the Robinsons' pool. They no longer had one, since their entire backyard was a crater. No, Kakuzu had sunk to the bottom of the Smiths' pool, and Mr. Smith and his wife had happened to be skinny dipping during Kakuzu's slip.
Tobi clambered through the Kakuzu shaped hole in the fence and ran over to the pool as the Smiths leapt out of the water and ran for the safety of their home. Tobi fell to his knees and waved his hands frantically in the air, but the missing Falls nin was too busy having multiple heart attacks (and possibly drowning) to notice.
"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," Tobi squealed frightfully, gripping his hair.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! KAKUZU IS DROWNING! HEEEEELP!"
Zetsu appeared in the ground besides Tobi.
"Oh, Zetsu-san, Kakuzu is drowning, and Tobi can't swim! Help!"
"Let him drown, he overcharged me for hemming my cloak," the black half said, while his white half looked worried.
"I'll go get Kisame. He can swim," his 'better' half said, and melted into the ground.
A few minutes later, Kisame slashed through the already severely damaged privacy fence with his Samehada, wearing red swimming trunks and sporting a whistle about his neck.
"Oh shit, is he dead already?" Kisame asked. Zetsu eyed him. Tobi bounced up and down, freaking out. The Smiths watched the show from their bay window.
"Just go get him, Jaws."
Kisame dove into the water with the grace of a…shark…and pulled Kakuzu back up to the surface. He tossed the limp body over his shoulder and laid him on the ground. He slapped Kakuzu's face, and stared as if waiting for something.
"Should you…do CPR or something?" Tobi asked, leaning over Kakuzu. Kisame raised an eyebrow.
"I'm not kissing that thing! Why don't YOU do it?"
"Anyone who tries to kiss me dies," came a gurgling growl below them. Tobi blinked at Kakuzu, who was getting into a sitting position, coughing up water. Before Kakuzu could defend himself, he was crushed in a Tobi Hug (trademark), which nearly broke a few ribs, but it did squeeze out the rest of the water in his lungs.
"What the hell happened, anyway?" Kisame asked as he, Tobi and Kakuzu walked back through the Samehada made opening in the privacy fence and got back to the Akatsuki house. Zetsu stayed behind to have a chat with Mrs. Smith's begonias.
When the trio entered the kitchen, Kakuzu narrowed his eyes.
"HE happened," Kakuzu growled, and treading carefully around Hidan and his pool of blood, the missing Falls nin went upstairs to fetch his other two masked demons.
End chapter 1!
Next time: Kakuzu finds his missing masked demons in the Artists' room. The horned mask is chasing Deidara while the other one with the big teeth is…doing that 'thing' again…
