"Death Toll"
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Pledge (no really, I don't have a single can of the stuff), "A Weekend at Bernie's" or Dunkin Donuts.
Summary: What happened to all of Kakuzu's previous partners?
Partner #1
"I'm hungry, can we stop for some food?"
"No."
"Aw, come on, Kakuzu! We've been walking all day without a single bite to eat, you've got to be hungry too by now!"
"…Nope."
"That's it! I'm stopping at the next town, whether you like it or not, and I'm getting something to eat."
"Yeah?" Kakuzu said, eyes flashing dangerously. Noroma, his fat, lazy, inept partner, glared back. Apparently he had a death wish. Or he was extremely stupid…or maybe both.
"Yeah. And I'm not sharing, you mooching bastard."
"How are you going to pay for it?" Kakuzu asked, his voice nearly a growl. Noroma smirked.
"If you don't give me the money, I'll just have to TAKE it from you."
A vein started to throb at Kakuzu's temple, but because of his mask, no one could see it, so a corny anime vein appeared on top of his head, looking like the asterisk's drunk cousin.
"Go ahead and try it, fat ass," Kakuzu snarled. To his surprise, Noroma did just that.
Kakuzu's mind snapped, everything went black, and all he remembered after the tub of lard started reaching for his money bag without permission was the swift fwoosh of his threads, a blood curdling scream and the sick (yet satisfying) splatter of things meant to stay inside a human body.
Partner #2
"Let me guess…this one tried to take your money too?" Pein said from his newspaper. Kakuzu sat across from Sir Leader's desk, glaring at his bloodstained hands.
"No…he chewed with his mouth open."
"…"
"…Konan, call that little guy with the mohawk, then," Pein said to the blue haired kunoichi seated at the smaller desk by the window.
"Yes, sir," she said tonelessly while filing her nails…
Partner #3
"Is there something wrong, Kyouki? You seem awfully…stiff…today," Pein murmured while gazing up over his newspaper. Kyouki, Kakuzu's third partner, nodded so vigorously that his head fell off, rolling across the dining table to land in Itachi's plate of undercooked meatloaf.
Everyone froze, Deidara's hands stopped in mid-lick, and even Tobi, who happened to be invited to dinner that day, didn't break the awkward silence with one of his random outbursts.
Kakuzu tried to look anywhere but at his partner's decapitated head. Sasori had his hands under the table, looking like he was on the verge of bursting into laughter.
Pein set down his newspaper and stared at Kakuzu.
"And what," Pein asked slowly, eyebrows disappearing into his hair, "did Kyouki do to you, to have his carcass transformed into a puppet?"
Sasori lost it, laughing so hard that he started crying tears of Pledge. His hold on the chakra strings faltered, and Kyouki's body toppled sideways into Kisame.
"Fucking Weekend at Bernie's around here," Kisame snarled, pushing the puppet off of him with Samehada.
Nearly everyone (except for Itachi and Pein) were laughing hysterically, until Pein gave a particularly unsettling look around the table that made everyone fall silent.
"Well? Are you going to answer me, Kakuzu?" Pein asked coldly.
"Kyouki has a smart mouth," Kakuzu said, crossing his arms.
"HAD a smart mouth, hm," Deidara added with his trademark shit eating grin.
"I'm docking your pay," Pein declared bluntly, and amid Kakuzu's disbelieving stuttering, Sir Leader folded up his newspaper, tucked it under his arm, and left for his study.
A second or so after Pein swept out of the dining room, he heard the distinctive loud THUD of a body hitting the floor.
"Oh…My…GOD, HE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK! TOBI, QUICK, GET THE CAMERA, HM!" Deidara roared amidst bouts of laughter.
Partner #4
"Quit scratching."
"I can't help it! Oh…it itches, it itches, it itches!"
Kakuzu glared, but it wasn't all that impressive on account of the reading glasses sliding down his nose. The small grungy motel room would have been silent, if not for his current partner's incessant scratching, gnawing and groaning.
"If you don't stop scratching, I'm going to cut your damned hands off and shove them up your ass."
The scratching stopped. Blissful silence filled the room, but Kakuzu's moment of Zen was short lived as his partner started rubbing his back up against the headboard of his bed instead, banging it loudly into the wall.
Kakuzu snapped his abacus into pieces, the little sliding balls pouring onto the covers.
"One. More. Chance," he growled between gritted teeth. Kakuzu was starting to fall apart at his seams. No really, his threads were coming out of his arms and shoulders. Inuzuka Pochi, AKA Partner Number Four, froze.
"Look, I can't help it, honest! Like you've never had fleas before!"
Kakuzu blinked.
"No…can't say that I have…"
"Really?"
Kakuzu scowled at the ruined remains of his abacus.
"Really, normal people don't get fleas. Only weirdos like YOU do."
His rather dog-like partner leapt to his feet as if Kakuzu had slapped him in the face with a glove and challenged him to a duel.
"Hey, look who's talking, Frankenstein!"
Of the many insults Kakuzu has suffered through over the years, that was one of the few Kakuzu declared unforgivable. Inuzuka Pochi (who happened to be Inuzuka Kiba's estranged uncle) found that out the hard way. His decapitated, organ-devoid body was found in a dumpster behind the Dunkin Donuts in Konoha the next day.
Pein summoned everyone to an emergency meeting the night the body of Pochi was found.
"This is getting ridiculous. Kakuzu, I'm sending you to anger management class."
"WHAT?!"
Kakuzu clutched at his chest, feeling a heart attack coming on. He had those a lot, poor thing…
"If you don't go, I'm going to deduct the cost of placing an ad in the paper for a new partner from your pay."
"…fine," Kakuzu grumbled, trying to think happy thoughts, like how much money he made off of selling Pochi's organs on the black market.
Partner #5
Amidst a flurry of red and gold and orange leaves stood a masked man in a high collared black cloak adorned with red clouds. At his feet, with a rake protruding from his chest, was a dying man, who gave one last shudder before falling silent. Kakuzu watched for a moment, then went back to raking leaves, being sure to cover up the body. He'd fetch Zetsu later to….tidy up for him…
"Did you learn ANYTHING in Anger Management?" Pein said furiously as he and the rest of Akatsuki stood outside, watching a pair of feet disappear down Zetsu's throat.
Kakuzu had the decency to look ashamed, looking down at his feet like a small child being scolded by its mother.
"It was an accident!" Kakuzu insisted. Pein just shook his head, looking up at the heavens as if to ask 'Why me?'
Partner #6
"Hey, Zetsu, you got a second?" Kakuzu asked, eyes shifting left and right to make sure no one else was around. Zetsu opened his fly trap a crack so he could look at him.
"…I was napping, what do you want?"
Kakuzu glanced nervously around the yard again before answering.
"Well…I had an accident."
The fly trap opened wider and Zetsu looked over the masked man's head to see a body lying beside a pile of leaves, a rake protruding from its chest. Zetsu sighed heavily.
"Again?!"
"I told you it was an accident. Are you going to help me or not?" Kakuzu asked, his voice rising in anger. Zetsu narrowed his eyes at him.
"Don't raise your voice to me," the black half of Zetsu said. The white side sighed again.
"I just ate…you'll have to dispose of the body yourself."
Kakuzu balled his fists in frustration.
"Just ate…but you've been just standing there for hours, all closed up!"
"Are you calling me a liar?" the black half growled.
"Hmph!" Kakuzu whirled and stomped over to the dead body of his late partner. He glared at the body for a few minutes, then his eyes flashed. He had an idea...
The following morning was garbage day. Kakuzu volunteered to take the garbage and yard waste to the front of the house. The garbage truck came and went, and later, while everyone was eating breakfast, the yard waste was collected. When the truck got to the Akatsuki house, there were horrified screams.
Everyone froze but Kakuzu, who continued to eat his oatmeal and read the Business section of the newspaper as if nothing was happening. The screams continued. A sweat drop appeared on Kakuzu's face.
"Kakuzu, why are the garbage men screaming? Hm?" Deidara asked. Kakuzu cleared his throat.
"How should I know?"
"Where is your partner, by the way?" Pein asked, peering above his newspaper. Kakuzu swallowed hard.
"He's…sleeping in today."
Deidara had left the table and peered out of the living room window as the truck floored it, driving down the road and squealing around a corner and out of sight. The yard waste was left behind.
"Hey, those bastards didn't take our trash! Hm!" Deidara said, face pressed into the glass of the window.
Pein raised an eyebrow and set down his paper. Uh oh.
"Where is Kabocha?" Pein asked coldly. Kakuzu set down his portion of the newspaper as well. No use lying now.
"He's in the yard waste bags…" Kakuzu answered reluctantly. Pein rolled up his newspaper and pointed it threateningly.
"That's it. I'm going to find you ONE more partner…and if you kill this one, you're out of Akatsuki."
"What?"
"You heard me…"
"But…the only way to get out of Akatsuki…is to die…" Kakuzu said slowly. Sasori, who had been spraying Pledge into his mouth, looked to the unofficial Treasurer of Akatsuki.
"Orochimaru got out…and he's not dead…"
"I cut his arm off," Itachi said conversationally from his plate of blackened eggs and bacon.
"But I make more money in Akatsuki…" Kakuzu muttered, more to himself than anyone in particular. Pein nodded, thinking he might get somewhere this time.
"If you want to continue making money, you need to stop killing your partners. This is your last chance. Partner Number Seven better outlast the others, or you're out. Understand?"
Kakuzu nodded.
Next Time: Who is going to be Partner #7? Well, to practically give it away, it's someone who actually outlasts Kakuzu! Kinda...heh...
A/N: For the partners I bothered to name, I used words I found in my Japanese dictionary. Well, Inuzuka Pochi is named after Inari's dog from way in the beginning of Naruto.
Noroma: sluggish, dull witted person
Kyouki: madness or lethal weapon
Kabocha: pumpkin
