WARNINGS:

Yaoi

AU

OOC

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Bleach or any of its characters. I write simply for the fun of it and am not getting anything except happiness and reviews from this.

This story is dedicated to God's Sense of Humor who requested a steampunk fic for Grimmichi as a prize for my contest back in Random Acts of Kindness. I still don't know if this is what steampunk is supposed to be like but I hope this was what you meant. If not... I'm sorry, I'm kinda dumb. Please enjoy!


PROLOGUE:

"No."

"Come on, Ichi! You have to go!"

"Yeah, you haven't been to a single one in years."

The orange haired boy sighed with his back turned to the two to face his worktable. "I know, I haven't. But you know I hate parties."

"But this isn't a party!" Rukia protested. "It's a ball!"

Rolling his amber brown eyes, Ichigo said, "A ball, a dance, a party. Either way, it's simply a gathering of assholes and idiots waving their aristocracy and wealth in front of others to inflate their already oversized arrogance." His leather-gloved fingers tinkered with the gears of a watch and he carefully prodded the hands. "All under the guise of meaningless social courtesy and grace."

The petite raven haired girl glared at her childhood friend. "Have you forgetten that I'm one of those 'assholes and idiots'?"

Ichigo smirked, "No, I definitely mentioned you in there."

Renji laughed riotously at Rukia before she slapped him. "We're all part of that, idiot!" Turning her lavender eyes to her stubborn friend, Rukia persisted. "I know how you feel about these events, but it's part of our duty to keep up with the times and build on relationships."

The boy scoffed and shook his orange head. "I never go to those events precisely because of that. I'd rather not deal with gossip and questions in order to maintain a pretense of friendliness." He shrugged before returning to his latest project: a pocketwatch that doubled as tiny, portable laser. "Besides, suddenly showing up now after so many years of successfully evading these events would just lead to more talk as to why I finally decided to show up for once."

Renji rolled his eyes. "Ichigo, who cares what these people think? People are always going to talk about something; if it's not your antisocial behavior, then it's my tattoos or such-and-such's new fling."

"I know, I know. There's always going to be gossip and everyone's going to be a victim sooner or later, blah blah." Ichigo tuned them out and strained his ears to hear the soft ticking of the pocketwatch in his hands.

Really now, how many times had he heard that from the two of them? Far too many, that's how many. Shouldn't they know by now that he'd never willingly go to one of those pointless, overly-extravagant parties/balls/whatevers without a good cause? Preferably a cause that involved both life and death.

Wait a second.

Ichigo looked at his friends suspiciously. It was odd that they were trying so hard to get him to go; normally, they just accepted his refusals and went without him. He pulled his magnifying goggles up to rest on his orange hair and turned to Rukia and Renji with his arms crossed over his chest. "You two are being awfully persistent about this ball. Do tell, why is this one more important than the others?"

His two friends glanced at each other nervously. Renji pulled at his navy blue coat-tails and Rukia picked at the bottom of her corset. "Wh-what do you mean?"

"You never pester me this much about these stupid events." Ichigo's eyes narrowed. "What is it that you need me there for?"

The tall red-head and the short black-haired girl fidgeted under the scrutiny of their best friend's glare until one of them gave in.

Rukia sighed. "Fine. I knew we wouldn't have been able to keep it from you for long."

"You really want to tell him?" Renji looked hesitant, maybe even afraid.

Rukia shook her head. "No, but we have no choice. He was bound to find out eventually." She faced her orange-haired friend seriously. "There's been talk amongst the upper echelons of a new couple."

Ichigo raised an eyebrow. This was nothing new in the rumor mill of the aristocrats so what were his friends so worried about? Unless... Apprehension made its way to his throat. He swallowed and the foreboding settled in his stomach. "Who?"

Neither of his friends said anything, instead opting to look at their boots or at the gadgets and gizmos in Ichigo's workroom. Basically, anywhere but at him.

Frowning, Ichigo asked more sternly. "Who?"

Silently, Rukia pointed a finger at herself, then slowly directed it to the orange-haired.

"WHAT?" The orange-head jumped up to his feet. "How did this even happen?"

"I don't know!" The raven-haired girl cried frustratedly. "But everyone is taking it seriously and Brother is even expecting a formal marriage proposal from you any day now!"

"But we're not- and I didn't... what?" Ichigo stammered.

Renji scoffed at his friends' perplexed expressions. "Considering that you're one of the only females that Ichigo talks to, it's not the strangest assumption to make."

Rukia sniffled and burst into tears. "Nooooooooo! I don't want to marry Ichigooooo," the tiny girl wailed. "He's always so boring and moody! I can't be with someone like that!" Suddenly, she turned her teary eyes to her 'fiance' with a new fire and slapped him. "Stupid Ichigo! This is all your fault!"

The accusation snapped him out of his shock more than the sharp slap across his face. "My fault?" Amber eyes blazed incredulously. "Maybe you don't recall, but I don't want to get married to you either! You're not exactly the loveliest rose in the bush, are you?"

"Rose in the bush?" Rukia's eyes narrowed. "And what exactly do you mean by that?"

"I mean, you're a violent shrew!"

"A shrew?" Rukia gasped. "How DARE you call me such a thing! If I am a shrew, then you are a desolate boy who only has his inventing tools as friends!"

"I take it back! A rose is too good for you! You're a leaf! You're a moldy, decaying, rotting leaf that doesn't get any sun and shrivels away in the shadows because not even ants want to get near you!"

"Why, I ought to rip your *** *** off and put it in your *** ***, you ***!"

Ichigo threw his hands up in frustration. "That's exactly what I was talking about! You're simply proving my point here!" The orange-head scowled. "I don't know how you can have the audacity to call yourself a lady of a noble family when your language is as foul as a sewer rat. No, not even, that's an insult to sewer rats everywhere!"

Sensing a fight about to break out between the two, Renji stepped in between them before they demolished yet another place. "Exactly! Neither of you want to get married to each other for reasons that we all understand," he cleared his throat nervously as Ichigo and Rukia glared at him, "which is precisely why you must go."

"What does dragging me out to a ball have anything to do with stopping this insanity?", the orange head growled.

Renji beamed. Finally, they were getting somewhere! "You need to go to this ball to show everyone that you don't fancy Rukia. Show that you can be sociable and friendly to anyone, not just Rukia. When the other aristocrats see that Rukia does not recieve any particular special treatment or favor from you, the rumors will cease!" The red-head grinned proudly. He came up with the plan all by himself, and it was a rather clever ploy if he did say so himself. However, when Renji saw the expression on his antisocial friend, he felt his joy slipping away.

"Surely you jest?" Ichigo scoffed, unimpressed. "Being sociable would not prove anything. For all you know, people may start to suspect me of trying to build up fanfare for our," he wrinkled his freckled nose in distaste, "wedding."

Rukia stomped her feet. Why did he have to be so stubborn? Yet another reason why she could never possibly marry him! "Even if they assume so, at the very least, Brother will see you as a flighty, unreliable flirt and won't push me into marrying you!"

"I won't do it." The orange-head crossed his arms. This situation was dire, he couldn't deny that, but it didn't involve life nor death, much less both. "Let them think what they want. Eventually, they'll see that we have no intentions of being wed to one another."

"And who might know how long that shall take?" Rukia cried. "Please, Ichigo! I beg of you! Pleeeaaaaseeeee!" Both she and Renji latched onto his arms and looked up at him with big, desperate eyes.

Ichigo's eye twitched. He hated it when they gave him that look. He knew those faces were completely fake but he could never say no to their innocent, fragile gazes. And doing it together? That was quite low. He tried to divert his eyes from the doe-like purple eyes of Rukia and wounded-puppy eyes of Renji, but he could already feel his resolve slipping.

"Pleaseeee, Ichi?" Rukia tugged his friend's dark gray shirt sleeve with a pout. Ichigo groaned. How dare they use their childhood nickname for him to their advantage? "You won't even have to act the whole time!"

"It's true," Renji chimed in. "It's an All-Hollow's-Eve masquerade ball. Everyone will be in masks and costumes, the whole nine-yards! When you want to get away from it all, just slip on your mask again and blend into the crowd."

Looking back and forth between his two best friends, Ichigo sighed. He knew he was going to regret this but... there were his best friends. Not to mention his bachelorhood was at stake. That counted as some sort of death, didn't it? Reluctantly, the orange-head nodded.

"I'll do it."


AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I know what you're thinking. I know you're thinking: " -_- This bitch. She's got 'Random Acts' and 'Picture Perfect' to finish and she just decides to start a brand new fic? Way to keep me waiting! Somebody get me a knife." In my defense... I got nothing, please put the knife down.

I was trying to make them sound very English-y, like they were speaking in the olden times. I was failing miserably because I kept switching between modern-day speech (aka, slang) and what I think is old-English and Ichigo was starting to sound like a pompous, old scrooge so I just made them all speak regular ole' crude modern English again. TT_TT Do I have a British fan out there? Yes, you, can you please beta this fic?

I tried to have this out by Halloween just to be consistent with time but we can all tell how well that idea worked out. By the way, I put "All-Hollow's-Eve" on purpose, since... you know, Hallow, Hollow, Grimmjow= Hollow... :D