(au where Drake Bell is only 2 years younger than Rivers Cuormo, and Weezer broke up after Plinkerton)

Drake took a selfie with snap chat, updating everyone that he was still cold as balls in his apartment. His check for "Drake and Josh" hadn't come in yet, and "The Amanda Show" didn't pay well, so he was low on money. He saved money by not using his furnace every other day. The extra Taco Bell was worth it. Only today it wasn't. :(

"I really with Josh Peck wasn't so busy fucking bitches, I miss the platonic cuddles." Drake thought to himself. He pulled off his blanket and headed out his door. Just as he was stepping down the last step of stairs, he looked up to see Rivers Cuomo. Star struck, he nervously walked over to Rivers.

"Hey, aren't you Tony Pajamas? I love that show, friend!" Rivers yelled. "The character is so authentic!"

"Thanks, I really worked hard on it, I play Vice CIty almost every day." said Drake.

"Same! It's my favourite of the series. I just hope GTAV lives up to the hype."

"Only two more months. :) " Drake said "Hey, do you want to come up to my apartment? I just cooked a pizza."

"For sure." Rivers replied.

Ten minutes later they are both sitting on a ragged green couch, in front of them a shitty $1.29 personal pizza.

"You didn't mention it was a tiny little freak pizza." Rivers said accusingly.

"Oh sorry, I don't eat pizza, I just cook them for the smell. I'm a vampire, did you not know that? Almost everyone on the Amanda Show was, it was kinda how I got the job." Drak said vampirely.

"Oh nice! I'm not human either. I'm actually a werewolf. So I guess I am a human now, but I can change at any time." replied Rivers.

"Did you know that Penelope was played by Amanda? So that her biggest fan was herself? I think that's really nice. Self confidence is hard this day and age."

"I had no idea! Gosh, I wish I knew how to work a computer so I could look up stuff on IMDB, I have heard that place has everything movie and tv show related." Rivers said. "Sadly, all I know how to do is play guitar, albeit badly." Rivers sadly said.

"Dude, I think you are pretty good, the Blue Album was great. 'Only in Dreams' is really good!"

"I have another secret. Weezer is just a marketed band. I actually didn't play guitar on that record at all, Brian did it. Our record company said boy bands are a thing of the past, so the world thinks I play guitar as well as sing. But I just sing, honestly. That's all I'm good at, and all I ever will be good at." Rivers said sadly as he started to cry.

Drake put his arm on his River's shoulder.

"I'm sure you are good at other things. Have to tried roller skating? Jumping really high? You have that song about being tired of having sex, are you good at that?" Drake said as a friend.

"Nah, that was just a marketed thing, too. I am actually a virgin. I have this phobia of procreating. Anytime a woman got even close to taking off her pants I would get panic attacks. :( " Rivers almost cried.

"Do you also get panic attacks when you are about to have sex with someone without a uterus?" Drake questioned as a dirty thought popped into his head.

"I guess not, no. But don't get your hopes up. I'm not into twinks like you. I like bears. Have you ever seen Yo La Tengo's bassist? We played at the Conservatory with them last August. DADDY LIKES THE CHUNK! We opened for The Toasters. Kinda of a niche band to be honest." Rivers yelled and smiled.

"Well, I guess I am wasting my time here." Drake said as he hung his head.

"Don't lose hope, if Josh Peck was here I would consider a treesome. CONSIDER." Rivers said as Drake walked out the door, despite this being his own apartment. Sex with Rivers would be really nice, but not worth seeing Josh's wiener again. He still sometimes had nightmares of his humongous dong ripping his anal canal to shreds. :(