Envy and Pain
Summary: Lily's jealousy at James talking to another girl.
Have you ever had that moment of pure jealousy? When you see a friend, not your best friend, because she would never talk to him like that, and she's talking to your man?
Oh yeah, she's just sitting over there talking to him and flipping her hair over her shoulder, and he's talking to her in a way that he never talks to me in.
She says something and he apparently finds it hilarious because he starts laughing, and it's not the same as when I say something that he thinks is funny. He's not looking at her in the same way that he looks at me.
But I'm still there, and I'm trying to understand why what she said is so funny, then he adds something to it and then they're both laughing. I feel alone, even though we're surrounded by a group of people. There's his friend who is laughing along, him and her. She's my friend. Friends don't go behind friends' backs, do they?
She's not that close of a friend so I don't really know how she always talks but I know him. So then why are his eyes on her when I'm his girlfriend? Why is he with me anyway?
I don't think I'm that pretty anyway, just long red hair and green eyes that clash together to make me somewhat pretty but everything I wear almost always clashes unless it's green. I'm not particularly talented, I'm a smart witch but who would want to be with a bookworm who keeps her head in a book and only ever surfaces from her homework when he drags her away?
She's so much prettier, with her long blonde curls and her sparkling eyes. They have chemistry, something I've never really doubted quite as much as I do now. James and I are so different. What makes us even stay?
He's so outgoing and carefree. I'm uptight and I barely know anything about Wizarding culture, much less my own anymore. I don't know famous singers, bands, I don't even know anywhere that's considered good to eat out anymore. I can't find anything on a road map because now I've got two maps to keep track of.
They tease me about it sometimes and I laugh along, but really it does sting. It hurts. Knowing that she's laughing because she's one of them. She understands the jokes and she doesn't have that problem. She's flawless even with being in twenty or so clubs and after school hours activities. She's got perfect grades without even trying, she's even missing a few rolls of essays here and there.
She's almost perfect for him, in your opinion. But you love him, you don't want to let him go...but is he slipping away? He only ever cares when you're alone with him. When he's around her with you, it's like he'd rather talk to her than you.
You feel alone and then they bring up what they're doing after they leave Hogwarts. You can feel the tears now because you know he's going to be an Auror. You don't even have to ask. You already know he's going to leave for Auror training and he's not going to talk to you. Aurors-in-training are hard workers after all, and nothing is supposed to distract them from their training. Especially people like you...so you've got to go just so that he can live his life how you know he's meant to.
Why does he feel so far away when he's right there? Why is he talking to her like that?
Doesn't he understand that it's killing you inside? Because you know she's just a friend and that she doesn't mean any harm by laughing and talking to him.
But at the same time...just think. We started out as just friends too.
