I don't know what this is. But here you go. I hope you all like it because it was fun to write. Sorry I've been a little dead. 3
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"Freaking, stupid, no-good, worthless, bug infested-GAH!"
A small figure was dangling by his arms, thrashing ferociously.
And poor Pyro didn't know what to make of the scene.
"Scrrt?" he said as he padded out of the bushes. Scout looked down in horror at the firebug and his wriggling ceased.
"Pyro? Thank god you're here! I'm stuck," he admitted begrudgingly. For whatever reason, Scout was gripping a branch of the tall tree, swinging precariously in the wind. Pyro made a reassuring noise and held out his arms, motioning for Scout to drop. "What? You can't catch me! I-I'll fall!" panic was rising in Scout's voice and Pyro rolled his eyes which went unnoticed under his mask.
"Drrp!" he called up and Scout thrashed once more before he let go of the branch, plummeting towards Pyro at a dangerous speed. He screamed the entire way down and continued to scream even as he landed solidly in Pyro's rubbery arms. Scout opened his eyes and patted his body. He was alive! He was also gripping Pyro like a baby would a mother and he quickly shoved the firebug away, grumbling his thanks. "Wrrt wrr yrr drrng rrp thrr?" Pyro scolded him and Scout shied away.
"I got my freakin' ball stuck. The ball my brother gave me. See it?" Scout pointed with one wrapped hand and Pyro followed his finger to see a small white baseball lodged firmly in between the crook of two branches. Pyro made a noise of sympathy and patted the boy on the back.
"Hrr drrd yrr grrt rrp thrrr?" Pyro questioned, bewildered. There were no footholds on the tree anywhere, just the lowest branch that Scout had been dangling from. Even then, it was far too high up to get to without climbing.
"I jumped," Scout said nonchalantly, as if his nearly superhuman feat was nothing. Pyro just stared at him but didn't make another comment. If anyone had ever seen the boy run they wouldn't have questioned his jumping skills. "Gah, I just want it back. Stupid tree." Scout delivered a half-hearted kick to the base of the trunk and Pyro patted his back once more.
"And what are you two doing out here alone, away from base, in ze middle of ze desert?" A low voice sounded right by Scout's ear and he yelped in surprise, flailing around, trying to hit the obvious assailant. Quiet laughter wreathed around the two and Spy decloaked in front of them, tapping his watch with a slight frown.
"My ball got stuck," Scout explained, giving the Frenchman a murderous glare. "And don't you dare say anythin' about it, Francey pants." Spy didn't say anything, just extinguished his cigarette in the trunk of the tree with a bored expression. "And what are you doin' out here? You hate the sand. And us. And pretty much everything."
"I'm…" Spy trailed off to think his words through. "'Hiding' is not a good word. I'm simply…'preserving' myself from the wrath of a particularly inebriated Scotsman." As if on cue, a bellow echoed through the desert and everyone winced as Demo came crashing through the undergrowth, his one eye darting around furiously as it tried to focus on the three men. Well, two men and a still undefined character. "Ah, there he is!" Spy welcomed Demo like he would an old friend, walking slowly to him, completely at ease. Demo slurred something unintelligible and swung at Spy, but in his intoxicated state he simply fell to the side, groaning as he tried to right himself in the sand.
"Geez, what did you do to him?" Scout nudged Demo with the toe of his shoe and the burly Scot replied with a snore.
"I might have…slipped a little of Medic's horse tranquilizer in his bottle of Scrumpy." Spy couldn't hide the smile curling into his cheeks.
"You did WHAT? Just for the hell of it? Spy, you can't just…why?" Scout narrowed his eyes at Spy who suddenly burst out laughing, the snorting assaulting everyone's ears. Scout gave the unconscious man a sympathetic glance. He remembered all too well when Medic had injected him with it that one time…Spy regained his composure, his jaw tightening.
"Because it was funny," he replied, returned the glare Scout was giving him.
It was pretty hilarious
"Hey! Fellahs!" A familiar goggled face appeared from over the hill and everyone turned to see the compact Texan striding toward them. "Did anyone see Demo come through here? He was…" Engie trailed off as he stepped on something soft. Upon lifting his boot, he noted that it was a dark skinned hand attached to a passed out Demoman. Engie groaned. "What did y'all do to him?" he looked around at the threesome, his gaze resting on Scout.
"Don't look at me, hardhat! It was tha frog!" Scout pointed an accusing finger at Spy who simply puffed on his cigarette and blinked slowly at the Texan. Engie sighed and put his ungloved hand over his face for a long time. He lifted his head like he was about to say something but another voice spoke over him.
"WHERE IS THAT SKIRT WEARING SISSY?" a person much larger than the men present appeared at the top of the hill, his helmet askew, allowing one dark blue eye to scan the horizon furiously. Solider jumped down the hill, his E-tool raised threateningly in one large hand. "He spilt his foul foreign alcohol ALL OVER MY UNIFORM!" Solly bellowed, the noise reverberating around the open area. He suddenly looked down and saw Demo sprawled out on the ground and he snarled, baring his teeth as he raised his boot, ready to stomp his head. "I'M GONNA SEND THIS CYCLOPS CRYING BACK TO HIS OWN NONEXISTENT COUNTRY!" Scout winced as he waited for the sickening squelch of Demo's brains being mashed by a furious American's shoe, but all he heard was another enraged cry.
"Why is Soldier threatening the bomb man?" a low, guttural voice that could have only belonged to one person spoke up. Heavy had somehow slipped into their little circle and was now restraining Soldier from braining Demo.
"Und I vould like to know vhy he's unconscious," a higher pitched, disdainful voice spoke alongside Heavy's and Medic appeared beside the giant Russian with his hands clasped behind his back, looking over his glasses at everyone.
"Spy did it," Scout spoke up and the Frenchman shrugged, not trying to deny it.
"Wait. Why are we all standing around here?" Soldier was the first to remark that indeed, nearly the entire team was gathered around this one tree.
"My ball got stuck and I was trying to get it down, and then all a you bozos showed up," Scout looked up in the tree to where his ball was still patiently waiting to be retrieved. Soldier gasped.
"America's sport, brought down by this carbon dioxide sucking, termite housing piece of FIREWOOD? I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!" Soldier wrenched himself away from Heavy and produced his pickaxe from seemingly nowhere and with a mighty swing he lodged it firmly in the trunk of the tree. He slipped off his thick canvas outer coat and roped it around the other side of the tree. For someone who spouted nonsense 99% of the time, it seemed that Soldier was certainly intuitive when it came to climbing trees. He stepped on the handle of the pick and began the ascent, gripping the trunk with his muscular thighs, digging his boots in, sending showers of bark onto the team watching him with awe. He grunted every time he propelled himself upward with his knees, his biceps straining against his shirt.
He was about halfway up the tree before a ripping noise was heard.
Soldier paused in his climbing, testing that his jacket was still holding up by pulling on it roughly.
It ripped in half.
With an inhuman roar, Soldier plummeted to the earth, flailing his limbs and twisting around in the air before he landed with a sickening crack on his side.
"Good gracious, Solly!" Engie cried out, running over to his friend and kneeling down beside him. Medic walked swiftly over as well and joined the toymaker. They rolled him over on his side where blood was pooling from his right arm. The bone was protruding from the skin where he had broken in and Medic clucked his tongue. Soldier suddenly sat up, shaking his head, his helmet sliding crazily as he did so.
"I think I broke my arm," he said as he lifted the extremity, his forearm flopping in an unhealthy direction.
"No, really? Do you zhink?" Medic rolled his eyes and motioned for Heavy to come help him up. "I'll take you back to zhe infirmary and fix you up. Good try, though." Medic added but Soldier slammed his good fist into the ground.
"I'm not letting that Commie freak take me anywhere until that baseball is SAFE!" Soldier stuck out his tongue at Heavy and the Russian flared his nostrils.
"I've got a ladder…" Engie started but Soldier turned his anger on the Texan.
"Ladders are for WOMEN. WE ARE MEN. WE WILL CONQUER THIS TREE IF IT'S THE LAST THING ANY OF US DO!" Soldier said, puffing out his chest.
"Fine. I'll get ze ball," Medic snapped, undoing the belt around his thick lab coat and carefully taking it off, handing it to Spy. Spy knew how much clothes could mean to a person, and no matter how cruel he was, he wouldn't dare ruin the doctor's lab coat. Medic pushed his sleeves up and jerked his head at Heavy. Heavy sprang into action and grabbed the doctor around the waist, lifting him effortlessly onto his shoulders. If there was anything to be said about those two, it was that they were made to be a team.
Medic balanced himself on Heavy's shoulders and he slowly rose to his knees, then to his feet, digging his rubber boots into the meat of the Russian's shoulders. If he felt it, he made no mention of it. Heavy rose to his full height and the lowest branch was just out of reach. Scout scoffed internally. There was no way Medic was going to be able to lift himself up onto that branch. The doctor took a deep breath and then jumped, getting a solid grip on the thick part of the branch. He kicked his legs only slightly and then silently lifted his entire body weight up onto the limb with sheer strength. Scout's eyes widened. Maybe he should start carrying around the Medi-gun too.
"Do you see it?" Heavy asked, watching his doctor stand up on the limb. Medic was silent until he slowly, very slowly crouched down on the limb, hugging the trunk with both arms. "Doktor?" Heavy's voice was filled with concern. Even from the ground, everyone could see Medic's terrified expression.
"I-I didn't…I didn't realize zhis vas so high up," Medic stammered, glancing at the ground and back up to the ball.
"Awh, geez," Scout groaned. "Don't tell me he's stuck," he covered his face with his hands. "I'm not comin' out from under my hands if he's stuck." Spy's stifled snorting was heard as he watched the doctor clutching the tree for his life.
"This is too good," he choked out, letting his ugly laughter loose.
"I can't get down," Medic's regret filled voice had an underlying tone of utter embarrassment.
"Fall," Heavy said simply and Medic whipped his head around to glare at him.
"Fall? FALL? I'd razzer NOT end up like zat idiot!" Medic looked pointedly at Soldier who was poking experimentally at his exposed bone, Engie vainly trying to wipe blood off of him.
Heavy just simply looked up at the doctor then raised a fist and struck the tree with all of his strength.
The force of the blow was enough to produce a muffled *BOOM* from the tree, and piles of leaves and twigs rained down as well as one very pissed off German.
A high pitched shriek ripped through the air followed by several colorful German swears as Medic dropped like a rock, straight down into Heavy's arms.
"See? I was going to catch you," Heavy shrugged his massive shoulders as he clutched the livid doctor.
"Let go of me you SWEINHUND!" Medic kicked his legs and pushed himself away from Heavy, grumbling about his dirty clothes and the several places rubbed red from the bark. "Dummkopf," Medic scolded softly as he took Heavy's giant hand in his, running his fingers over the now broken and bleeding knuckles. "Go sit viz ze rest of ze infirmed," Medic sneered and pointed angrily at Soldier who had managed to almost push his bone back under his skin.
"What now?" Spy spoke, handing Medic's lab coat back to him.
"What, you ready to start helpin'?" Engie growled, turning on the Frenchman.
"No. I just find it absolutely hilarious watching you idiots fail." He shrugged his thin shoulders and toyed idly with a cufflink. Pyro gesticulated wildly to Engie and the toymaker winced.
"No, Py, we can't burn the tree down," he said, placing a hand on the crestfallen firebug. Pyro perked up again as he unhooked his axe from his belt, swiping a hand under it as if he was a woman on a gameshow presenting a prize. "We're not gonna chop it down either." He said firmly. Pyro visibly deflated. Dejected, he trudged over to sit beside Heavy, putting his head in his hands like child.
Heavy offered that he could throw Scout up in the tree, but Medic immediately forbade it.
"Listen, ve're all hurt, exhausted, and out of ideas. And ze sun is setting," Medic pointed out. They had been at this for hours, Soldier even tried to climb back up with one broken arm. Scout sighed and flopped on his back, sprawled out in the sand. He had a particularly nasty gash on his cheek where a piece of bark and flown off and hit him when Pyro sunk his axe into the trunk even after Engie had told him no.
They all looked up as they heard a pair of soft footsteps approaching.
Sniper stood before them with a bewildered expression on his face, a cup of coffee in his hand despite the late hour.
"Wot did oi miss?" he said as he surveyed his tired and bloody team.
"Scout got his precious ball stuck up in ze tree and zese idiots have been trying to get it down all day," Spy said, exasperated. Even to him the situation had stopped being funny and he was in it with them.
"Is that it?" Sniper said, unimpressed. "Is it still up there?" he peered into the tree.
"Yep," Scout said, still sprawled on his back. He gestured vaguely to where the ball was and Sniper made a noise of affirmation.
"Yeah, it's stuck in there," he sighed, nestling his mug in the sand and leaning against the trunk of the tree, pulling at his boots.
"Gee, thanks, how could we have ever figured that out on our own?" Scout went to glare at Sniper but when he saw him taking off his boots he frowned. "What are you doin'?"
"Oi'm gonna get yer ball," Sniper tossed his shoes to the side, his bare, hairy feet visible for the world.
"There's no way," Spy scoffed. "You lack the upper body strength and flexibility to even attempt climbing zat monstrosity." Sniper didn't look at him, just removed his Akubra and tossed it over his boots, flipping Spy off as he did so. Everyone watched with interest as Sniper sauntered up to the tree and gripped the trunk with both hands, lifting one foot and placing it on the side. Spy scoffed again, looking to everyone as if he expected them to laugh with him. Sniper bounced lightly on his foot that was still on the ground and then gave a massive jump upward.
Everyone's jaw hit the ground as they watched the bushman scale the tree like a monkey, swiftly and accurately, shooting up the trunk at an impossible speed. He didn't stop at the lowest branch, just continued up the trunk, dodging the branches until he reached the nook the ball was lodged in. He planted himself firmly on a thick branch and with a little effort got the ball out, tossing it down to Scout. The boy caught it but his jaw was still hanging open. Sniper swung himself down, hugging the trunk again as he shimmied down the exact same way. He cursed as he wiped his bloody palms on his vest but gave Scout a smile.
"No worries!" he patted the boy on the shoulder and grabbed his mug, whistling an unknown tune as he strolled aimlessly off.
"Excuse me, but vhat just happened?" Medic said as he watched Sniper's tall figure disappearing into the rapidly darkening horizon.
"Sniper. Sniper just happened," Engie said and shook his head slightly before he went to help Sol inside the base.
