(A/N This was going to be a review for 'False Alarms' by Sonata IX, but I thought it was too long for that format, and I figured I'd share the joy with all of you. Lucky, lucky you.)
Selection from A Visitors Guide to the Underground Pub, pg 37, Goblin Ale
Goblin Ale is made by goblins. Goblins do not wash their hands (or apparently anything else), and are therefore in a constant state of fermentation by their mere existence. Any goblin may attempt to make ale, as the process is fairly simple, but few casks have that not-instantly-fatal-and-does-not-cause-permanent-blindness quality required for royal patronage. Always ask if your Goblin Ale has the King's Seal.
The brewing process of Goblin Ale is as follows:
1. Discover that you are out of ale.
2. Argue loudly about whose fault it is that you are out of ale, involve as many bystanders as possible.
3. When everyone's wounds have stopped bleeding, find an empty cask, barrel, non-metal bucket, or hole in the ground.
4. Crush into paste some grain and whatever else happens to be nearby that does not object to said crushing.
5. Toss paste into whatever you've decided to make your ale in, fill with whatever liquid seems handy.
6. Attempt to keep chickens and other creatures out of the ale for several weeks, or however long seems sufficient.
7. When it seems done, remove all remaining chickens and other wildlife from your ale.
8. Observe chickens to discover if they are A. Dead, B. Blind, or C. Merely drunk. In case of A. Only give to Trolls, Fireys, and overly obnoxious tourists that want 'That REAL Goblin Ale', B. Sell to Hoggle for his fairy spray (it's a main ingredient), C. Congratulations, you have ale 'fit for a King'! Or at least the horde at the castle.
Further notes on Goblin Ale:
It is astonishingly alcoholic and exceedingly caustic. DO NOT serve it in metal flagons, as the chemical reaction may cause melting, fire, or explosion.
Non-magical races should consume no more than once ounce per lunar cycle, as higher doses may cause permanent drunkenness or death.
Trolls, Fireys, and goblins over two feet high are the only races for whom Goblin Ale acts as a normal alcohol. All other beings should beware of dizziness, hallucinations, spontaneous combustion, and a hangover that lasts more than two weeks. Should these symptoms occur, summon a healer immediately and drink lots of water.
The flavor of unwashed chicken with a hint of Bog are inevitable and considered part of the experience. No, pineapple juice will not help.
ALWAYS check for the King's seal, it will ensure that your experience with Goblin Ale is as satisfactory as such an experience should be.
