Harvey couldn't help himself. The whole way back from the office, against his better judgment and everything he has been trying to suppress for years, he could not shake her image from his mind. Her fingers in his hair, her warm breath on his skin, so close to him, closer than they've ever allowed themselves to be in over 12 years.
His brain was a whirlwind of emotion, his heart was racing, his palms were sweating, and for a second, he thought the panic attacks were back. In fact, it was a very different and particularly difficult kind of emotion he was struggling with. When Donna walked away from him, he started having panic attacks. When she finally allowed herself to get close to him, she stirred something in him he tried so hard to bury, for so long, that he actually managed to fool himself it doesn't exist.
No, Harvey was not having a panic attack. However, he knew he needed to calm down before even thinking about going home, where Paula was waiting for him. He decided to ask Ray to drive him to his favorite bar. There, he ordered a Macallan, settled in a booth in the very back of the bar, and took a couple of deep breaths. Trying to make sense of what he was feeling wouldn't be an easy task, if at all possible.
The most difficult thing he had to admit was that what happened tonight will completely change his relationship with Paula. What bothered him most was that he did have feelings for her, or at least he had. There was not a doubt in his mind that Paula was a good person, good for him. As much as people doubted their relationship from the get go, she made him feel safe, comfortable, and wanted. But is comfortable what Harvey desired?
No one could accuse Harvey of going for the comfortable thing. His life was an endless chain of risks, adventure, and distractions. Among the many distractions he engaged in, sleeping with beautiful women was definitely at the top of the list. In fact, the only constant woman in his life was Donna, had been Donna for the last 12 years.
With a second glass of Macallan already in hand, Harvey sighed knowing his time in therapy had made it easier for him to see the role Paula was playing in his life. He wondered if Paula was aware herself of the fact that Harvey started pursuing her the moment Donna told him she wanted more. He did not wait for her to figure out what more meant, instantly paralyzed at the thought of losing her again, of her leaving him. So, he did whatever he thought he had to do to protect himself. He went to the woman who helped him get in touch with his feelings and made sure she was going to be the one who was there for him.
Now on his third glass, Harvey was having mixed feelings. He was confused about what Donna's kiss made him feel, but he could also feel the rage bubbling inside of him. He did not deserve to be put in this situation, especially by the woman he trusted most in the world. But that very thought was what tempered his rage – the woman he trusted most, his best friend, his confidant, his partner, the one who had always put him first, except for today. He could not entirely blame her.
The alcohol was starting to work its magic, and Harvey considered what to do. One thing was for sure, and that was that he could not go home to Paula now. He didn't want to hurt her, far from it. He would have to decide what to do in the morning. The second the next sneaky thought entered his mind, he knew it was an extremely bad idea. He could not go see Donna. He was afraid they would either end up fighting and saying things neither could take back, or that he wouldn't be able to trust himself around her, his emotions all heightened, and he would do something regrettable. Going back to the office seemed like the best idea. It wouldn't be the first time he spent the night there.
Back at the office, Harvey poured himself another drink. Fully aware that it might be a mistake, he took out his phone, staring for a while at Donna's name on the screen. He couldn't help but smile seeing the picture attached to the name, which Donna had put there herself. It was of her sitting at his office, legs on the table, like she used to do when she worked for him. He remembered how this used to be one of the best parts of his day – arriving back at the office after a long day and seeing her there, looking like she owned the place, always throwing a sassy remark his way.
With a gulp, he started to draft a message, but he had to idea what to say. He kept starting a sentence and then deleting it.
Donna, what you did tonight was…
I don't know what you were thinking but…
Listen, you've put me in a position that…
I'm drunk and…
Hey…
Finally, he settled for "Are you awake?" and hit send.
When he saw her writing back, his heart started racing. It looked like she was having trouble finding her words as well, because the typing bubbles kept disappearing then popping back up. Finally, she wrote back:
Yes. I didn't think you'd be. It's late.
I'm at the office.
What are you doing back there? Is something wrong?
Well, I couldn't just go back home, could I?
Harvey… I'm sorry, I truly am.
I wanted to come over.
Do you still want to? We could talk.
I'm afraid the last thing we're going to do is talk, Donna.
Come on, we can be adults about it and have a normal conversation without fighting.
Not what I meant. Do you think that kiss didn't affect me, Donna?
Um… Look, Harvey, I know you're with Paula, it was just one kiss, there's really no need to dwell on it any further. I don't want you to ruin your relationship because of it.
It's a bit late for that, isn't it?
What are you going to do?
I honestly don't know. I just wanted to talk to you, see you…
Okay, fine, you don't want to come over here, I'll come over there.
What? No, I don't think that's a good idea.
Harvey, you're my friend and you're hurting. Because of something I did. I'm coming over. Be there in 20.
When Donna arrived at the office, everything was quiet. Not that she expected anyone to be there. Typically, it was always her and Harvey left, working on a case, listening to records, or drinking whiskey. This time, things wouldn't be that easy. Quietly, Donna walked into Harvey's office and what she saw melted her heart. Harvey had fallen asleep on the couch, phone in hand, probably waiting for her to arrive. He looked so beautiful it hurt to look at him.
Slowly, she went to retrieve a blanket she knew was always handy in one of the cupboards, then approached him and slowly kneeled in front of the couch to place the blanket over him. As she did, she couldn't help but touch a strand of his hair that had fallen on his forehead. She was so close to him, and after the memories of that night's kiss, it was more than her heart could take. But just when she decided to go and let him sleep, he stirred and slowly opened his eyes. She froze and looked at him with wide, fearful eyes. She didn't know what to expect.
- Donna?
- Hey, shh, it's fine, you can go back to sleep.
He looked at her pale face in the dimly lit office, her red hair messy, her freckles showing now more than ever because of the lack of makeup, and he realized she had never looked more beautiful to him. Since they were so close, he couldn't help but breathe in her sweet scent. He closed his eyes when he inhaled, and when he opened them, they were darker, filled with a desire he was unaware he had. She looked at him questioningly, unsure of what to do.
- I'm so happy to see you, he whispered with a husk in his voice.
- I'm sorry, she said again, eyes filling with tears.
- No, please, don't cry, it's fine, we're fine, we're going to be fine, he said, placing his hand over hers. We always are.
- I'm afraid this time I drove you away.
- You could never drive me away, remember? No matter what happens, we stick with each other. Donna and Harvey. Harvey and Donna.
She smiled though her tears, looking down at their hands. His thumb was slowly caressing the back of her hand, and that motion was enough to send electric currents through her entire body. At that moment, she pulled her hand away, afraid she might melt into a puddle at his feet. He frowned at her gesture, but didn't say anything.
- You should get some sleep, she said.
- Will you stay here?
- Harvey… I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
- No, just, I need you here. We don't even need to talk, I just want to know you're here.
- Okay, I'll stay, but just for a while.
He stood up to play a record for them, while she kicked off her shoes and made herself comfortable on the chair next to the couch. He sat back down and they listened to the record in complete silence. Surprisingly for them both, it was the same comfortable silence they were used to, even after that night's events. At some point during the song, Harvey took her hand again, and she didn't protest. By the time the record stopped playing, they were both sleeping, still holding hands.
