Part 1 - Mary
Such a commotion! They just intended to have a nice dinner and a pleasant evening, but then half the guests seemed to turn suddenly ill. Not that Mary had much joy in listening to Matthew's and Lavinia's euphoric wedding preparations, and being remembered that she would soon be wed to Richard did not help to lift her spirits. Also the whole affair about Sybil and Branson was not a happy theme for conversation. But then the sudden sicknesses, first Mr Carson, then her mother, then Mr Molseley, and now also Lavinia. There was lots of concern and worrying, but luckily Dr Clarkson came over and took care of all the sick, calmed down the healthy, and made them realize that there couldn't be much more done than tend for the one's in need and wait what time would bring. Still a knot lingered in her stomach, she was afraid of the outcome of this.
Everyone seemed to disappear to somewhere, Clarkson and Cousin Isobel to check on Mr. Carson, Mrs Hughes followed them, and god knows where the others went to in this huge house, there was certainly much and many to care about.
Mary was passing along the corridor to the gallery, when she heard music being played from the phonograph Lavinia had brought over the other day. Curiously, she stepped to the balustrade of the balcony and peered down into the great hall. What she saw from up above was Matthew, standing at the table with the music device, with his back to her, browsing through the disks.
For some moments she allowed herself to watch him in his black dinner jacket, standing so tall and upright, which itself was a miracle - besides the actual ability to walk again, for which he still had to use his stick that was leaning against the table.
She remembered the sorrowful times, when she was in constant fear for his life while he was at the front, so concerned about his health and his sanity after he had been wounded. They had spent much time together, she nursing him back to health and trying to keep his mind away from his burden. Terrible as those times had been, she had felt so close to him, like never before, and she was very grateful for every moment. But now so much had changed. He was again independent after recovering, and became so foreign to her as he continued on with his plans with Lavinia. A new life, which would not include her. The realization hit her and she leaned back at the wall, considering for a moment what to do. The music went on and she could make out the lyrics. They were about not to lose hope in the darkest of times. She always had tried to do so, but now, all hope seemed to be lost. She took some breaths to calm herself down.
Then she stepped down the stairs, which were already decorated with flower garlands for the wedding, intending at least talk to him to drive away that feeling of estrangement. He seemed to be preoccupied with his own thoughts and had not noticed her yet, maybe he also had not heard her footsteps, muffled by the big soft carpet.
"Where is everyone?" she asked him, to announce her presence and not to startle him.
He looked up from the disks he was studying. He put them back to the table while she was approaching him and turned to her.
"Not sure. Cousin Violet's gone home."
"What about you?" she asked.
"Waiting for Lavinia and Mother", he replied, glancing upstairs.
"Dr Clarkson wants Lavinia to stay here. He'll see her tomorrow."
Mathew nodded understanding and approvingly.
"I don't know this one", she pointed to the gramophone. She felt some awkwardness coming up and she wanted their conversation to go on. Her voice sounded thin in her ears, and she had felt some discomfort emanating in his speech.
"Actually, I rather like it. I think it's from a show that flopped. 'Zip goes a Million' or something." he gave a small embarrassed snort, and a weak grin was playing around his mouth.
Then something happened, she had not expected at all. He stretched out his right hand, took one swaying step towards her and lifted his left arm as well. He actually asked her to dance with him! Mary took a deep breath and looked down for a moment to regain her composure. Then she put her right hand in his outstretched one, her fingers closing around his, and she laid her other arm onto his shoulder. Though she was wearing long satin gloves, she felt almost as if she touched him skin-to-skin, as she had so many times before, when she held his hand, comforted him and dressed his wounds. But now she could only touch him according to the rules of propriety. Which didn't allow for much.
He put his right hand on her back, leading her to a slow dance. The touch sent shivers through her body, she could feel the warmth of his fingers through the thin silk fabric of her dress. She was surprised how right it felt, to be hold by him, her two bodies like two pieces of jigsaw, fitting together perfectly.
"Can you manage without your stick?" feeling a bit perplexed that he actually could dance after his grieve injury. It was a bit wobbly, right, but he moved in the beat of the music which overplayed it perfectly. She could almost think it was a scene from her lost dreams, dancing with Matthew, the one she loved, in her own home, with a fire in the fireplace, to romantic music. But it was not. He was not hers to be, he had chosen Lavinia.
"You are my stick" he replied, though she did not feel as if he had to lean on her. "Mmh" she made as if in return to a joke, but she was not sure if it was meant as a joke.
"We were a show that flopped", she remarked sarcastically, trying to remind him and her that it could not be, but trying to make it sound airily, as if she would not care anymore. But she cared. A big deal. But that he should not know, his new life just within his grasp. She forced a smile onto her face.
That made him fall apart. "Oh God, Mary", he whispered hoarsely, turning his cheek to hers to be closer to her. His voice was thick with a pain, that she also felt soaring through her. "I'm so, so, sorry". She was stunned, and first could not do anything than continue to dance in their rhythm. His feelings must have been so close to the surface, so that his barriers would break down so fast, but she had not noticed it. "Do you know, how sorry I am?"
She shook her head, trying to keep the distance and not being dragged away from the emotional balance she had just found and she was desperately clinging to. "Don't be, it wasn't anyone's fault. And if it was, it was mine..." she tried to make her voice sound cool and firm for both their sake.
"You know, cousin Violet came to me and told me to marry you". That made her look up surprised, and their glances met for a second.
"When was this?" she asked, still trying to keep it casual, though this news gave the whole conversation an all different direction.
"A while ago. When we knew, I could walk again."
"Classic Granny…" she felt her composure slipping away. "What did you say?" she could still add, and managed to make it not sound too eager, at least she hoped so.
"That I couldn't accept. Lavinia has made the sacrifice of her life. Her children, her future. And then give her the brush-off when I was well again. Well, I couldn't, could I?" She heard deep desperation in his voice.
It almost sounded like a real question to her, not a rhetorical one. Already this possibility, that he was actually considering to break off with Lavinia, was so unlike him. He was always a dutiful person, and that used to be more important to him than his own fulfilment. Even if he wanted her. And even if she also still wanted him, as he must have learned from Granny that night.
"Of course not!" she confirmed weakly out of a reflex, not willing to tell him her true feelings, which would lead to something that she could not anticipate, but with all the complications attached, it could not be as splendid and pure as they would wish it to be and would just lead to more pain.
"How ever much I might want to"... now he was telling her that, just before his wedding... when his fiancée was sick in bed... And all the while she had thought he was happy with his decision.
"Absolutely not..." She was at a loss for words. This was not the Matthew, she knew from before. But he had changed, in the war, living with his disability. They all had changed. And he actually had considered her over his honour, his obligations, the choice they were all stuck with. She was also flabbergasted, that there actually might have been a real chance for the two of them, earlier on, without her noticing it, because he had not let her know his doubts. But there was no way for them, unless they would break all rules.
Oh Matthew... you must pay no attention to the things I say...
She looked up and their eyes locked. And then their lips met, their bodies naturally attracted beyond all intentions of their will. It was so sad, like living the possibility which could have been, for just one moment. And it was also so beautiful at the same time, so right. She could feel they were meant to be, she knew it in her heart. She put her hand on his chest, and wished she did not wear a glove, and he no suit. Wished so much, that they could be together, for more than just one stolen moment. It was a long moment, they had stopped dancing and stood still, but still it felt as if the world would spin around them, they being the one and only fixed thing in the universe, their bodies, their souls as one.
But the end of this moment came to fast. Lavinia's voice broke it.
A/N: - I'm so excited! I am quite new to ff, this being the first piece I ever wrote about DA and consider ok for the world to see it. I hope it is appropriate.
I wrote the same scene also from Matthews and Lavinias perspective and if I get the impression that someone would like to read that, I will add them later. So please review and comment! *looking around anxiously*
Edit: thanks for the reviews so far! I misunderstood some lines when I watched it, so I fixed that. The rest will be up soon!
