I know there are SO many stories like this one but I wanted to try my hand!!

50 Things that Emmett Cullen has been Banned from Doing

Enjoy! I don't own Twilight - otherwise there would be no Jacob. He would have been painfully killed off at some stage and Bella would have been changed, hence forgetting about Jacob, hence not wasting valuable book time grieving about her personal sun being snuffed out. XD

Tell Alice that yes, that dress makes her look fat

Steal Jasper's war souvenirs and replace them with cheap rip-offs

Play Paintball with real guns

Have wars with trees

Convince children than abandoned trains are haunted by the ghosts of clowns

Fight with himself in his head until Edward's explodes

Try to teleport to the 'other realm' by leaping into the open fridge

Staring at Bella intently whenever she is eating and imitate her movements

Catch Bella when she falls only to drop her again

Bring home dead animals and cry about how 'the flowers got him'

Try to play Wizards Chess with normal chess sets

... when the pieces don't attack each other, smash them himself

Fill up piggybanks only to smash them then sob about the poor dead pig

Wear black contacts and stalk Bella with a hungry look

... continue until she runs to Edward

Call Jacob and tell him that Edward accidentally killed Bella while trying to change her

Try to copyright his sex moves

Burst in on the other Cullen couples having sex and accuse them of breaching his copyright

Come into the Emergency Room and demand to see Carlisle because his period is late

Call the hospital and ask if his contagious penis cancer medicine is ready

Picture Bella naked while Edward is there

Picture Jasper and Edward naked together while Edward is there

...then yell about how they breached his copyright

...then turn to Jasper and sob about how he 'thought they had something special'

Walk to his room conspicuously while winking at Bella saying "I'll see you soon."

...barge back out of his room a few minutes later wearing a sheet

...ask Bella where the hell she was and why she wasn't up there with him

...suddenly realise Rosalie and Edward are there, squirm, and run out of the room

Sing and dance to "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake

Repeat 29 while staring intently at Bella and Edward making out

Read one of Carlisle's medical books, counting every word out loud

...announce joyfully exactly how many words are in the book

...realise that you didn't count all the publishing details

...go back and count them too

...claim that you cannot add them together, so you need to start from the beginning again

Kidnap Bella, strap her to a snowboard, push her down a mountain and film it

Kidnap Bella, tie her up and force her to make a hostage video in a dark room with guns

Send said video to Edward, demanding ransom money in the millions



Claim to have had crazy sex with Edward's piano

Claim to have had crazy sex with Edward's car

Claim to have had crazy sex with Edward's wife

Claim to have had crazy sex with Edward

Attempt to rape Carlisle

Attempt to rape a werewolf

Claim that said werewolf enjoyed it

Burn copies of "Wolf Creek" and hack into the TV industries

...broadcast said movie right from the bloody bit onto every channel to every TV

...walk outside and listen to the sudden screaming coming from every corner of the globe

Wonder out loud where the eraser bits go

Fill all the school toilets with clear jelly

Hey! Hope you enjoyed. Word was stuffing up so I couldn't space out each number, so the fic looks really short. I may make more chapters like '50 Things that Annoy Carlisle' or something. Depends on what people think. Review :D