Summary: Had you ever asked me to stop this, I would. I would do anything for you, Shizuo So for your sake… Next time we meet, will be the last. AU-ish. Shizaya, YAOI.

Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara!, nor any of the characters, and I make absolutely no profit off of this story. This is written solely for my own entertainment and that of my fellow fans on this site.

Neither do I own the song "Be Mine". All credit belongs solely to the artist Robyn for this amazing piece of music.

Rating: M. Rated for language, angst, dark themes and male/male pairings. Not suitable for minors.

Warnings: General warnings: dark and angsty fic. Likely to feature drug/alcohol abuse, self-destructive behaviours, lemons, a lot of swearing and violence. Any additional warnings will be found at the start of every chapter.

Xxx xXx xxX

It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance to promise to never mess it up again
Just the sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone, there's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

It's a weird thing, hate. People use the word so easily, so needlessly about just pretty much everything. Yet they have no idea what it means. They do not know what it means to actually, really, truly, hate someone. They also have no idea how powerful a tool it can be, how many doors it will open, and how much pain it can take away. Neither do they realize, these humans, how thin the line is between hate and love – nor how excruciatingly difficult it is to cross.

Me, I am no stranger to real hate. I know what it's like to feel it burn in every single vein in your body, to become your breath, your heartbeat, your food and water. I know it so well. That means I also know what love is. I know it's the key to the lock inside me, I know it's my redemption, my absolution, my one and only chance at freedom. I also know it's impossible.

I don't hate him, you know. Shizu-chan, I mean. He hates me, there's no missing that. It's really funny. I made him hate me with the heat of all the fires in hell. I made him hate every single thing connected to me. I made him into this monster who wishes for nothing more than my blood on his hands as soon as he catches my scent. I did all that. I did it on purpose and in cold blood. I should be locked up for being a manipulative asshole, I know. But what else could I do?

I love him. And therein lays my inevitable downfall. Shizu-chan must hate me, lest I lose my cool and do something rash. I didn't make it to adulthood by being an impulsive fool, no matter what you think, and with the direction my life has taken I have only one weakness. Only one soft spot. Only one thing for which I would sacrifice everything; Shizuo.

So I ruined everything that could ever have been good between us. I ruined it and made him hate me, because I can never have him – and the knowledge of that simple fact is killing me.

It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside
And now you're gone, there's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

He's such an idiot sometimes, you know. I have to constantly monitor his movements so I can be prepared to direct all possible harm away from him. I have a lesser army of snoops and snitches who work only with ensuring Shizu-chan's safety. That surprised you, didn't it? I guess it would be surprising to most, now that I think about it. After all; it's widely known that I have a habit of sending trouble his way. It's a universal Ikkebukoru-truth that I try to kill him at least ten times a week.

Heh, actually I've never tried to kill him. Only about one in ten of those guys are people I send. And I never, ever, put Shizuo in a situation I know he can't handle. I am only trying to keep up appearances. It's really tiring, you know. Shizuo just can't seem to keep himself out of trouble. If he ever found out how many times I have literally cut holes in people to keep him safe, he'd throw a fit. Shizu-chan is so strong, and he knows it. If he found out I watch over him, he'd probably kill me for real.

But, you know, sometimes… Sometimes I wish I could at least tell him how I truly feel. Just once. Just one single little time before I die. To be able to look into his golden-hazel eyes and tell him that he is all I live for. I would die happily after that. To wish for him to love me back is just stupid, because he won't. His hate for me isn't the kind that can turn into love, I know that. So I just wanna tell him my feelings and leave it with that. He won't ever be mine.

But you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

I am known to be something of a slut around town. I guess it's kinda true to a point. It's a powerful thing, sex. It seems to open even more doors than hate does. As long as I can flirt enough, tease enough and fuck well enough, guys will give me anything I want. Yes, I said guys. I don't sleep with women. Never have. Never will. It's disgusting. We all came out of one of those things, you know. Urgh. No one has ever complained about neither my ass nor my mouth when I do my thing. No, sir. Not once. So I'm pretty certain I'm a pro at it. Besides, I like it. As long as the other guy does his part, sex is better than any candy, any drug, any drink in the world. I have never denied that I sleep around, in fact I've been rather proud of it. Heh, for about a year I even had it on my resume. Kinda had to remove it, 'cause guys just wouldn't stop calling me. I never expected to feel such a gruelling shame when being caught doing it. I've been walked in on a million times, and I don't usually care. It's kinda kinky and fun. But this time… this time it was a whole other ball game. Because yesterday I got walked in on by Shizuo and Tanaka-san. I got walked in on while having sex with his little brother. I had no idea the guy was gay, but I have to admit he was really good at what he was doing. And yeah, before you asked, I had to think it through several times before agreeing. But then I figured; it's the closest thing to my precious Shizu-chan I can ever hope to get – and yeah, I am desperate enough to go for it. We weren't supposed to get caught. At least not by… him.

I didn't think his face could convey that level of disgust. He was disgusted with me. That just… Hurt. So. Much.

For the first time, there is no mercy in your eyes
And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away (away)
And I am helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good
'Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

So now I've been running for close to ten hours. Kasuka managed to keep Shizuo's attention to himself long enough to give me a head start, but I only got about ten minutes – and that's not enough by a long shot. I have to tire him out before I can go home. I cannot risk him finding out where I live. If he would break into my place and open just the wrong drawer, the wrong closet, the wrong tab on my computer… everything would be ruined. I told myself I can handle his all of his hatred. I just never thought it'd hurt this much to see his disgust. I have never felt this filthy before, and I don't really know what to do with this. Why am I feeling filthy? Why do I feel like getting on my knees and begging for his forgiveness? Why am I feeling all of this?

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you always keep passing me by

I just want you to see me, Shizuo. Do you think me wicked because of it? I just want to feel you warmth once before I die. Is that so wrong? I just want to protect you so I can keep loving you. Is that why I am being punished? For not giving you up? I've tried, Shizu-chan. I've really tried. Every time we meet, I try. But you have me by my heart. I wish you could at least acknowledge that.

No, you never were, and you never will be mine

It hurts, Shizuo… It hurts that I finally find the most beautiful man in the world, and have to live with the knowledge that you can never love me. I guess I really played the hate-game too far. But you're to blame too. Had you ever asked me to stop this, I would. I would do anything for you, Shizuo. Anything in the world, but I can't give you up. I think I'm starting to hate you.

(I saw you at the station,
You had your arm around what's-her-name
She had on that scarf I gave you
And you got down to tie her laces
)

Shizuo… God, I never knew jealousy could burn this hot. She's beautiful, but then again, I never doubted you had good taste. This pain in me… this is what defeat really feels like, then. This is how it feels when the light that keeps you going is extinguished, huh?

'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You looked happy, and that's great)
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
(I just miss you, that's all)

Shizuo… Why am I crying so hard? Why do you make me bleed out from the inside like this? Why? Why did you break our bond?

'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

Whoever you are, O dark-haired beauty that took my light from me, I can only tip my hat for you and wish you the best. Shizuo will be good to you. He has to be. He's the best man there is in this world.

There's a moment to seize every time that we meet (hey, yeah)
But you always keep passing me by

No, you never were, and you never will be mine
'Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You never were, and you never will)
You never were and you never will be mine

Shizuo… I love you. I do.

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you always keep passing me by

So for your sake… Next time we meet, will be the last.

No, you never were, and you never will be mine

Xxx xXx xxX

So, this is my first attempt at a Durarara fic, and also my first new project in a year. If there are any mistakes, misspellings or confusing parts, please let me know so I can correct and/or explain them.

I can't promise swift and regular updates, for I am a stressed out university student with way too many books to read and way too little time to breathe. But I shall do my best.

Constructive criticism is always appreciated! Flames will be used to make s'mores.

Thank you for reading

/Lahmia.