Author's Note: I hope you like this story, it was really fun to write, and I actually believe there was an episode in which Hyde said he did have feelings for Donna. I always thought they would be a good couple, and this is what I think could of happened, or how he could have felt.
There IS some language, but it's rated T. And I am thinking about doing a few more chapters. If I get 5+ reviews telling me I should put up more chapters, then I will.
They say I don't understand love. They say I'm going to end up like some brain dead hobo, standing out by markets, begging for money. They say I'm heartless, and I don't care about anything or anyone but myself. However, they never say this to me. No, of course not. It's when I'm not around, it's when I'm not a bother. They don't want me to know they feel this way, because of my feelings. But I thought they said I didn't care about anything, and to me that includes that I feel no emotion. That's a load of bull shit.
My friends, they don't understand. They don't' know how lucky they are. They don't see how good life is for them. All of them have potential, all of them will be somebody. I won't amount to anything, I'll be half crazy from drugs, and living on the streets, always beyond wasted. Maybe if I had their support, or any support at all, I could be someone. I used to get that undying attention and positive voice. That's when I truly felt alive and happy, I used to have a goal, a reason and a purpose. That's when she was around.
Things had felt right then, I knew who I was, I wanted to be noticed, make a change, take a stand. Rebel without fear, rebel for a cause, and have people support me. I was going to be a journalist. I had the skills and the potential, and Donna led me through it. If I didn't have her then, I would be dead, by my own hand somehow.
But here I was now, sitting in the basement of the Foreman's, my room, alone; as always, and staring at the ¾ empty Jack bottle I drained, other two laying on my lap. I laughed softly at my pitiful state, and drowned out all the memories that haunted this day four years ago. I couldn't remember, wouldn't remember, didn't want to, but even through my fighting and drinking, the memory clawed at my brain.
I remember that day, so well, the thing I remember the most. It's so vivid in my mind still, I think of it every night; fresh salt to the wounds...
We were both fifteen. Donna and I had been talking for hours the night before. Her parents didn't really trust me, so she had to be careful. I understand why, but they didn't know me for who I really was. But I was going to show them the real me. I was going to break the wall of stone that guarded my heart; that I had cast there in the past.
It was a Friday night. I had told her I wanted to tell her something important the next day. Donna sounded happy, and quickly agreed to have me go over at 4:00, before her parents got home. I was so excited.
I was planning on telling her just how much I cared for her, and that I wanted to date her. I had a feeling she felt the same way, she acted so differently around me, than any other boy. It just had to be.
So I had woken up early-12:30 in the afternoon, and took extra time to get ready. I wanted to look nicer, which would be pretty hard, considering I didn't really have that many 'nice' clothes. Instead of my normal ripped jeans, and a Rolling Stones shirt, I wore a pair of dark brown jeans, a short-sleeved black Led Zeppelin t-shirt, and a white long sleeved button down shirt. I took extra time on my very curly, very poofy hair, shaved quickly, and put on a little cologne.
After checking myself to make sure I looked decent, I sat on my bed. I had to think about what I was going to say, how I would say it. I rehearsed over and over again until it was just right, that and my throat was dry. I wanted to impress her, and I know words were one great way.
Running down the creaky wooden stairs, I past the small, dingy living room and contemplated on writing a note for my currently absent mother, who had been gone for 3 days.
"Fuck it," I mumbled. She left me, it's not like she's going to care that I'm going out. So I sighed, walking out the door, making sure to lock it; just in case.
As soon as I stepped outside, I ran faster than ever. For some reason I had decided to go by foot rather than drive, but I had to hurry. Maybe it was to have time to think, as my nerves were running wild, and my stomach decided to become a contortionist- somersaulting over and over again. It was so hard for me to fight the temptation to smoke, but I just couldn't. I was going to date Donna Pinciotti; my rebellious life was over. I wanted only the best for her, so I had to quit all things illegal that I took part in.
As I arrived at her house, I tried to give myself a pep talk. I was shaking with nervousness, and it was all I could do to not just run home. But I knew what I had to do….
So I headed to the backyard fence, because whenever I went over, I couldn't use the front door. I was ten minutes early, but I knew Donna wouldn't mind.
I opened the fence door, and stood in my spot, feeling sick. My heart dropped, as well as my jaw, and I felt like I was going to faint and puke. Right before my eyes was heart break; Donna and Eric, one of my best friends, kissing.
I couldn't bear it. How could he?! How could she?! I thought of all the times we had spoken about us, Donna had reassured me how special and important to her I was. Then, if I was so important, why did she do this to me? Why was she breaking my heart?
I couldn't move, my feet were paralyzed to where I stood, staring at the two. Never had I seen them happier. All I wanted was to scream at her, and ask her how she could be so goddamn cruel. I wanted to hurt Eric, break him into tiny pieces, make him hurt physically as I did emotionally. Then, I realized there was non point in doing any of that. They wouldn't understand, even through me abusing them. I would be worse than them, and I didn't want that.
I wiped away the tears that welled in my eyes, before they fell. I wouldn't be caught dead crying. On this day, I knew I wouldn't ever try to love again. It wasn't worth the pain. I looked at the two one final time, before I turned away, on everything and everyone. And if anyone asked about my cold-heartedness, I would just laugh. No one would ever know of this.
I never thought Donna would be like the rest of the world. Everyone I attempted to care about ended up hurting me or abandoning me in one way or another. So why bother caring at all?
I realized I couldn't tell Donna my feelings, ever. I just wish I had the balls to tell her sooner. Fuck Eric. Fuck her parents and what they thought of me. Fuck her, fuck everyone!
I began to quiver with anger; fists clenched tight, fingernails cutting my flesh as I began to take erratic and heavy breaths. I was losing it. I screamed as loud as I possibly could, before collapsing on the pavement, sobbing uncontrollably.
I was holding so much in. Donna, the pain she caused me was enough to slip off of the edge, to lose it all. Here I was, Steven Hyde, the thought, 'heartless' guy, now crying like a baby in public. I couldn't stand this; my heart felt like it was ripping into millions of pieces over and over again, not just cracking. Not just fading away, bleeding, and pouring out blood that sliced me everywhere, like razorblades.
Fuck trying to change for everyone, to be a better person. I don't care what people think of me anymore. Why bother to listen to them if they just end up killing you. Anyone I ever cared about with my whole heart ended up hurting me and leaving me. Well, I would never let it happen again. I wouldn't let it.
I finally reached my small house as the sun was hidden well below the horizon. My mom wouldn't be home tonight, and if she was she'd bring home some random drunk guy to have fun with. It made me sick.
I dragged my lifeless body to the living room, and stretched out on the broken and dirty tan couch. Turning on the TV, I flipped through the channels subconsciously, not paying attention or caring if I missed anything interesting. I just did it to occupy time, not for pure enjoyment. My eyes were on another film, seen passed the television. The fresh memory played repeatedly in my head. Each time I saw the kiss, or how happy she looked, more beatings, more salt to the open wounds.
The phone began to ring, which brought me half out of this pitiful state I had dug myself into. Slamming my hand down on the brown plastic end table that was supposed to look like wood, I grabbed the phone in my callused hand, and pressed it to my ear.
"Yeah?" I mumbled flatly, knowing that whoever was on the other line would probably be worried.
"Hyde!" Donna. I felt like I was going to vomit blood. "I thought you were coming over?" I couldn't stand it, I wasn't a good faker. Her happiness was killing me, more painful than any bullet.
"Uh, sorry, not feeling good." I answered slowly, with no emotion. "So I'll-"
"You will never guess what just happened! Oh I wish you were here, then I could tell you in person!" She squealed happily; Donna was never like this. My heart dropped past the floor, into hell, and I gulped.
"W-what…?" I stammered, but already knew. Why poke at the festering gash? Why did I ask her just to be faced with this once again? "Eric and I are going out!"
Tears slipped down my cheeks as I realized I lost her, that it was real. I heard it from her voice; I knew that I wasn't dreaming. God, this hurt too much.
"Oh… that's great… I'm happy…" I trailed off again, Donna sighed softly.
"You don't sound it, is everything okay?" She asked me, I shivered as I felt suddenly cold. She didn't really care.
"Yes," No, everything was not okay, I was dying inside. Because of her! "But I'm going to go, congrats, kid." And with that, I hung up the phone.
I trembled, paralyzed with pain at the spot. I let the misery consume me, and I didn't care. I just didn't care.
That night, I just lied on the couch, drinking beer after beer, crying, laughing, cursing, and crying once again. No one wondered if I was okay. Not even Donna; who normally would call back at my sudden hang up. But as I drained the last can of beer, I closed my eyes, and realized I was exactly what everyone else thought of me. I am nothing, and I will always be nothing.
I heard the door to the basement open, and feet clambering down, and giggling from a young woman, and a chuckle from a young man. My stomach lurched, yet I wouldn't throw up. The pain consumed me once again, I felt just as miserable as I did then, now.
Quickly, I tried to hide all of the alcohol. I didn't want them to see me like that. I didn't understand why they came down here at all. Maybe Kelso, Fez, and Jackie were coming over also… who knows? I couldn't let anyone see my true feelings, or how I took care of them.
"Hyde?" Donna asked, I spun around so fast, doing a great job at not looking suspicious. I had already been too late; I know she had seen the bottle. Not sure if Eric had… but she'd tell him.
"Hmm?" I asked, smiling softly at the two. "What are you two lovebirds doin' down here? Shouldn't you be on your own, doin' your own thing?" I asked, talking quietly. Donna shrugged her shoulders, and sat by me, Eric next to her. God, it was all I could do to not kiss her. I wonder if Eric ever told her that she was beautiful.
"Were you drinking?" She asked me, I glanced at Eric and he rolled his eyes.
"Uh yeah I just had a couple, no worries." I replied, gazing at my hands in my lap, not wanting to meet her gaze. "Listen, I'll let you two just hang out down here, I'll go out on my own and find something to do…" I stood up and began to walk away.
"Hyde," I heard Donna say, sounding like she was pleading. I turned slowly, and shook my head to think clearly. Damn alcohol. "Why don't you stay? Kelso will be over in a little bit."
"Yeah, c'mon man just hang out, seriously it's fine. I mean, we came into your room…" I chuckled and Eric patted the couch they were sitting on. I sighed softly, and sat next to Donna, with enough distance. She looked at me with a worried gaze and I just shrugged.
Hopefully Kelso would get here soon, or hopefully I could find a good reason to leave. I didn't want to be with people. Today was Eric and Donna's 4th year anniversary, which also marked the day she broke my heart. But I didn't want to leave her side, as weird as this all was. I felt close, so close. But I had to let go, I just had to… there was no point.
"Uh I think I'm gonna go and get some smokes, I'll be back in a-"
"I have some upstairs," Donny interjected, smiling at me. "Do you wanna use mine?" I rolled my eyes and shrugged.
"I'll go get them," Both Eric and I stood up; I knew that him leaving was a bad idea. But as I stood up quickly, blood rushed through my head, and I grew dizzy, so I had to sit down.
After he barreled up the stairs, Donna turned to me, her hair as fiery as ever. I just wanted to run my hands through it, hold her close to me. Tell her how much I loved her.
"Hyde, what's wrong? There is something bothering you. Please… I can tell, please tell me?" I shook my head.
"Donna, I'm fine, I'm always fine. C'mon you and Eric should be out celebrating, not stuck in my ro- the basement." I had to fix what I said. I couldn't think about Donna, the girl who I loved, being in my room, alone with me. No way.
"I don't believe you, tell me." She growled, glaring at me, with an evil smile on her face. I knew what she was planning. Whenever she wanted me to spill something, she gets this evil face, and then she tickled me. I sighed and scooted away, but she followed.
"I… it's really nothing, I'm just remembering something from a couple years ago." I mumbled, looking at her for the first time. She smiled sympathetically, and put her arm around me, I sighed, smelling a hint of perfume.
"Please tell me, Hyde?" She asked softly, concerned. I tore myself away from her, I couldn't look at her. I was so tempted to kiss her. Where was Eric?!
I don't know what happened. Whether it was my instincts, my emotions running mad, or the alcohol (I blame mostly that), but I couldn't take it. I looked into her eyes, and before she said anything, I kissed her softly, and ran my hand through her thick, red hair. Oh I loved this, this felt so perfect. And the funny thing was she didn't pull away.
My mind made itself up, my conscience was fighting with my heart and I pulled away quickly, wiping my mouth and shaking my head. I was so ashamed, but also so proud of myself. Donna looked a little confused and hurt, and I stood up.
"I… I'm sorry Donna… I… need to go." I ran up the stairs, as Eric started down them, he watched me with his head tilted as I ran. Out the door, down the street, where I headed south until I couldn't run any longer.
My body shook with a heavy sob as I fell to the ground, like I did this same night for years ago, and screamed. How could I be so stupid? I should have left, I should have… I should have told her sooner.
But there was no going back. I had done something so traitorous, so horrible. Because I was selfish, because I was drunk, for God's sake. I couldn't face Eric; I couldn't face Donna, or anyone. I would feel so guilty. How could I do that to her? To him? I was just like them four years ago. I had put Donna in my place, even worse off though. I couldn't live with that.
I began to run, to the place I knew where I could go. My mind was made up. People were right. There was nothing good about me. I was heartless, I was cruel, deceitful, and I didn't deserve what the Foreman's gave me. I didn't deserve the kindness all of my friends gave me. Not when I went and did this. I was nothing, I was less than nothing. Finally I saw it. Finally I more than accepted that this was my fate. That I would always be nothing.
With shaky hands, I began to climb the water tower. I just wanted to go up there and plot what I was going to do, think about my plans for the future. I knew I was moving out of Point Place tonight, with nothing but a note. Too many memories, too much pain. I would just take my car, I'd probably move out of state, I don't know.
My mind was going crazy, and I was pushing myself to get to the top of the water tower faster than ever. Fez, Kelso, Eric and I had races, and we marked the fastest times under our names each time with black paint we kept up there. I wanted to mark under my name one more time. One last tradition, I guess.
Finally, I did reach the top, and at about 4 minutes, faster than Kelso, who held the record for 5:01 (Fez timed it at the bottom, too afraid to climb up once after almost falling). Then I just sat up there, for who knows how long. With my thoughts and I alone, to figure out the sudden arrangements I needed to make to put my past behind me and move on completely. I had to do this, I just had to.
I would leave at around two in the morning, when I was sure no one would be awake, to Madison and stay there for a night or two. Then I would go to Illinois, and see what I can do there. No longer would I be "Hyde" there, no one would know me. I would be Steve, and I would go to school for journalism, and if I got published anywhere, I'd change my name, somehow. I would at first live maybe in the dorms at some college, or get a cheap apartment. I'd need a job first though, before all of this. Where would I live? Right, my car.
Was this a good idea? Should I do this or not? I couldn't back out, this was my fate- be nothing. So I'm starting new, I am nothing, and I will become somebody. I will leave my past behind and never look back, I will forget about Donna and Eric and Kelso, the Foremans, the Pinciottis, all the people who put me down. I would forget about my job with Leo, and this life I've made. No backing out, everything on the line, I was leaving.
I stood up, but before I ventured back to the bottom of the water tower, I wanted to do one thing. Why? I don't know, I just felt that I needed to. I grabbed the paint brush, and dipped it in the black paint, and took cautious strokes to write I 3 You DP, SH. With one final look at what I had done, I stepped onto the ledge of the tower, planning to hang out with my friends one last time, they deserved that. I'd stay far away from Donna, and stay quiet, yet I would be there, nonetheless.
Until my foot slipped. Until my hands missed grabbing the top bar, and began to fall to the ground. I was unsure of how this would end; I didn't have much time to think, either. I didn't scream though, I just stared at the ground, and realized the bush was on the other side; I was going to hit the hard, cold grass and dirt. I whimpered, closing my eyes and before I knew it, I felt the collision, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see.
I didn't mean for this to happen. God, they're going to think I committed suicide, hopefully not. My mind was fading in and out, I couldn't concentrate. I wanted to hold on, but I heard a voice, calling.
"Hyde," Soft, sweet, Donna. I gasped, curious. "Just relax, sleep, love. It will all be okay." And I did. I could feel her lips press against mine once again, and I let go. I felt like somebody, once again. Because of Donna.
