A/NOkay so this is my first Grey's Anatomy fanfiction… Please review it, cause I won't bother updating it if I don't get any feedback. (That's not a threat, just a fact). There isn't much else to say except that flashbacks are in italics, which is pretty obvious anyway. I hope you like it!
'One night
to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise
made
Four hands and then away'
Meredith looked at the suitcases sitting by the front door of her apartment. They had been packed for days, but she still hadn't actually made the move. It wasn't as if she wasn't completely certain that her decision was right, more like she wasn't sure if she was going about it the wrong way. Meredith had always had a problem with avoidance and this apparently was no different. It's all very well to say that you'll do something; actually doing it was a very different matter.
However this was not something she could procrastinate about. There was no time for procrastinating, no time for avoidance. Simply put, she had to stop being afraid of the reactions her coming home would bring, and get off her ass and leave, go home… back to Seattle Grace.
Her last day at Boston Memorial had been a week ago, six months had seemed like a much shorter time than it really was (more like six days) and she had been more than a bit broken when she arrived. As a result she didn't feel any pang of regret at leaving, having not gotten even remotely close to anyone despite everything that had happened to her. In fact the only person who really noticed she was leaving was her resident Doctor Chan. As she was walking out of the hospital that afternoon he had stopped her placing his hand on her arm.
'Doctor Grey?' He said.
'Yes?" Meredith was surprised. Even though they worked closely together over the past months she didn't feel as though they had any kind of a connection.
'I am very sorry to lose you. You would have been an amazing surgeon Grey, in whatever specialty you chose. Are you sure you want to go back to Seattle Grace? You could remain here you know.'
Meredith smiled. 'I need to go back, even with everything that has happened I need to be there.'
'With your family.' He said squeezing her arm before walking away leaving her standing in the foyer of the hospital once again terrified of what she would find when she returned. Would they even speak to her?
'With my family' She echoed faintly as she turned and exited the hospital.
Now standing in the foyer of her apartment she was left staring at her luggage. She really didn't have any more excuses, and she was wasting time procrastinating. All she really had left was a phone call.
'Dr Webber speaking'
'Dr Webber? It's Meredith.' She said somewhat shakily.
'Meredith? I was wondering if you would actually call me or if you would just show up tomorrow.'
'Well I was told that this phone call was a part of being allowed back to Seattle Grace.'
'Yes it certainly was. Are you sure about this?' Richard sounded uncertain and his uncertainty was having a bad effect on Meredith's nerves. However she wasn't about to let that show.
'Yes.' She said firmly. 'It's where I need to be. I need to fix things Dr Webber.'
'I understand that Meredith. But you need to know that you left behind a very hurt and angry group of people. I'm not sure that fixing things will be as easy as you think.'
Well that was just annoying; of course it wasn't going to be easy. She was still hurt and angry too for god's sake, of course she knew that it wouldn't be easy to fix things.
'I know it's not going to be easy Richard.' She said sharply. 'But it wasn't my entire fault you know. I'm still angry too. But I can't let that get in the way anymore. I have to fix it.'
'Okay, as long as you know. Things might seem the same here on the surface but you left a gaping hole in the place when you ran away, and it's not the same as it once was.'
'I didn't run away.' Meredith muttered.
'Oh yes you did.' Richard shot back. 'You did run away. But I am glad you decided to come back. I hate to think what would have happened if you hadn't.'
'Me either.' she whispered.
'Meredith? Have you, I mean, do you need anything? Or have you sorted that out?' he said uncomfortably.
'It's fine. I don't need anything. It's under control.' She said softly. 'Will I be back on Doctor Bailey's team?'
'Yes. I spoke to Miranda today, and she is quite keen to have you return. I'm not sure if it's because she still has many things she wants to teach you, or if it's because she wants to smack you down for running away.'
'I didn't run away.' She muttered again crossly.
'I'll see you tomorrow Doctor Grey.'
'See you tomorrow.' She said hanging up the phone.
Well that hadn't gone as badly as she thought it would. But Richard Webber wasn't really one of the people she was concerned about. No, she was really concerned about Cristina. And Derek. Especially Derek. She shuddered as she remembered the last things she said to him.
By the time she had got home from the hospital Meredith had begun to process what had happened, and the only thing she could think was that she couldn't see him, or them. Any of them. She felt betrayed, she had been betrayed for crying out loud. But this betrayal had been far worse than if he had cheated on her. She remembered Derek telling her once how looking at Addison after he caught her with Mark had made him nauseous. Well she felt worse than nauseous now. She couldn't even think about him without her stomach tying into knots and her head pounding threatening to explode. Her skin tightened and her eyes were swimming with tears.
'Meredith?' He was standing in the doorway. Of course he had followed her home. Hadn't he said he would always come home, no matter what? How she wished that wasn't the case now.
'Meredith?' He said again, but this time it sounded as if he were far away and she squeezed her eyes shut as if that would make him disappear.
She stood with her back to him, having only just got home herself and it occurred to her that he must have chased her out of the hospital… she hadn't even noticed. All she could think about was of getting out, getting anywhere, getting as far away from him as possible.
'Meredith you have to talk to me eventually.' He sighed. Stepping closer towards her and putting his hands on her shoulders. 'It was the right thing to do, you know it was.'
Meredith tensed as he touched her willing him to just walk away and leave her alone with her grief, but then she realized he was right. She was going to have to talk to him. 'It wasn't the right thing.' She said harshly. 'If it was you would have included me. You should have included me.' She turned to face him. 'You can't will my anger away with false words Derek. You lost the right to talk about it. Don't you ever talk about it again.' Her voice was rising now. 'And don't you ever talk to me again. You've lost that right too. Now please leave.' She turned away. 'LEAVE!' She shouted.
'So that's it? You're just deciding that what we have is over? That we can't get past this? That's not fair Meredith. There are two of us in this relationship You don't just get to decide that its over.'
He sounded angry now, and in some strange way that made her feel better… or angrier, and that made her feel better for whatever reason.
'Do you really want to talk about decisions right now Derek' She spat. 'Seriously? That's what you want to talk about? Seriously? Cause I would think twice about that if I were you. How dare you talk about who gets to make decisions in our relationship? Cause the way I see it, they've all been yours. Any decision in this relationship to this point has been yours.'
'That's crap Meredith and you know it' he began, but she cut him off.
'It's not crap' She screamed. 'You decided to chase me, You decided to leave me for Addison, You decided to kiss me at the prom, You decided to leave me again, then you decided to start things over. Don't think that even for a second I had much of a choice in the matter. What I wanted didn't count. Did it? Not even when… not even when it was my…' She couldn't finish; tears were threatening to spill over and she refused to let him see her cry. She refused to let herself be comforted one more time by him.
'Meredith. I'm sorry you're hurting.' He said gently.
'Sorry I'm hurting or you're sorry?' She asked coldly.
'I'm just sorry. I love you, I never wanted to hurt you. You know that.' He said giving her the look. The McDreamy look, the look that never failed to make her go weak at the knees. But this time she barely noticed it. It was as if in that one moment of time he had ceased to be McDreamy and simply become Doctor Sheppard.
'See the thing is Derek; you never want to hurt me. But you also never stop to think about it before you act. I'm like an afterthought to you. My feelings are an afterthought. And I'm done.' She spoke firmly her eyes cold as if all the feelings she had once had for him had been erased. 'I'm done.'
'What about the others? Are they done too? Or am I completely to blame for this?' He hissed.
'Do you see any of them here? They're not stupid enough to follow me… They knew they were done, Cristina knew she was done when she helped you. That's it. Its finished.' She had stopped yelling now and a chilling finality had crept into her words.
'What are you going to do? We're your family. We all work together. I'm your boss for god's sake. What are you going to do'
She didn't answer him, just held up her hands as if to say 'no more'. He turned and walked out the door then looked back at her.
'You can't live without your family Meredith. I know you. I'll still be here when you come to your senses.'
As he turned away she whispered just loudly enough for him to hear.
'I don't have a family anymore. And you were never a part of it to begin with.' She turned away as she heard his sharp intake of breath just before the front door slammed behind him. She was never, never going back to Seattle Grace.
Well things don't always turn out as you plan, and six months later she had come to the decision that she really didn't have a choice. She had to go back She had to fix things, despite her own anger and selfishness and fear. She had to go back.
Meredith looked at the suitcases in the hall then at the list in her hand, six names. Six names in three months. Of course it wasn't going to be easy. Not for any of them, but she had to try. Tucking the list into the back pocket of her jeans, she grabbed her bags and left for the airport.
A/N - The lyrics at the top are Heartbeats by JOSÉ GONZÁLEZ