'Cold Heart'

It was a bright and happy day in the crappy town of Forks. Edward's skin was slowly burning off and he was just kind of standing there. Bella just stood by, saying 'Oh.'

They were standing in the forest in search of shade, but the tree they had always climbed was really pissed off, and had grown legs and walked away, cussing all the way. "FUCK OFF YOU BITCHES. I'M FUCKING SICK OF YOU GODDAM FAIRIES CLIMBING MY DICK! PEEL OFF YOUR DAMN SKIN WITH A SPATULA!"

As they stood there, a tiny little speck appeared in the sky. Bella stared up, mumbling, 'oh.'

Jacob dropped epically from absolutely fucking nowhere. " I JUST RETURNED FROM THE SUN! HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I GOT SO HOT AND SPICEH?"

Bella said, "oh."

Edward started running around in circles. "OH MY GOOOOOOOD! MY SKIN IS ON FIIIIAAAAAH! IT IS BURSTING INTO FLAAAAAAMES! BAAAAAAW!"

"DO NOT WORRY MY DARLING SEXY EDWARD! MY HOTNESS CAN OVERPOWER EVEN THE SUN FROM WHERE I HAVE COME! I WILL SAVE YOOOUUU!" Jacob leapt onto the vampire with a boner. "I WILL SHADE YOU WITH MY LIPS!"

They started making out, stripping each other very sexually and flinging the clothes all around.

Bella just kind of said, "Oh."

"OH! JACOB! YES, THAT'S IT, JUST LIKE THAT, YOU MAKE MY COLD DICK SO HOT!"

Hearing the commotion, and Bella saying 'oh', the walking, cussing tree returned.

"YOU KNOW WHAT, BITCHES? I WAS FORCED OUT OF MY HOUSE AND HOME BY DICKWAD FAIRIES, AND I AM NOT LETTING IT GO ANY FARTHER! I AM ABSOLUTELY SICK OF YOU MAKING OUT BY MY TREE, AND- Oh, my, those two boys…" It started nosebleeding, but regained composure quickly. "YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARDS CAN GO DIE IN A HOLE FOR ALL I CARE! I AM NOT ON TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB. GO DIE, BITCHES! DICKFUCKASSBITCH! FUCK YOU!" It held a branchy middle finger up to them and started throwing dirt.

Renesmee appeared in her creepy vampire baby form holding a machete in her tiny hands. "DAGA!" Without another word of explanation, she started chopping up the tree. Across the forest the trees shrieks were heard loud and clear across the forest. Redundant statement is redundant.

Above all of this, a starship appeared. Out of it dropped all of the Cullens, except for Rosalie, who was being a little bitch and watching from the control room, painting her nails and bitching like she always does.

Bella was angry. "Oh. Oh. OH! Oh. Ooooh. Ohhhh. Oh oh oh. Oh. Oh. OH."

Alice approached her in an attempt to comfort to angry Mary Sue.

"Your socks say anyday," said someone.

A few yards away, Jasper was dueling Harry Potter.

"We are rivals! You must die!" Using his freaky super speed, he dodged a very forgivable curse and smacked the boy upside the head.

Harry died.

"YES! I AM THE NEW VOLDEMORT, BITCHES! BOW TO ME!"

No one cared.

Meanwhile, Alice and Bella were making out for some reason.

Jacob and Edward were now completely naked and on top of each other.

Jasper was getting pissed off. "FUCKIN ASSHOLES! DON'T IGNORE ME! ALICE! I THOUGHT YOU LUUURVED ME! BITCH!"

Emmett patted him on the back. "It's okay lil' bro. You still have me in all my blackness. Wanna fuck now?"

"…Okay."

Esme and Carlisle stared at the scene before them. "Our children…" Esme sighed.

Carlisle suddenly changed gaining big jewelry. He began to rap. "CARLIZZLE FO SHIZZLE YO! YO MAMA IS SO FAT, WHAAAAAAT!" He included hand motions to boot.

"SHUT UP YOU DUMBASS!" Esme despised her husband at times like these. "IT'S YOUR FAULT EMMETT CAME OUT SO BLACK!" She smacked him and he returned to normal. "So, let's make more vamp babies."

They started fucking in the chopped up tree wood. The tree was still moaning, even in death, and it's moans drowned out their own.

Rosalie started painting the dashboard pink. Her family was SO stupid. "Like, oh my god. Edward is such a total fucking DICK. He can go fall in a hole and die… in a hole. And Jacob and his homosexual tendencies can go with him and they can fuck all the way down. My parents are just… EW, DAD, PUT YOUR DICK AWAY! I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT! LIKE, SERIOUSLY TO THE MAX! Emmett is such a… a… BITCH! Jasper, get off my man… I mean… like, enn vee emm! They'd better start fucking already! And Bella is such a Mary Sue bitch. She can go die in a separate hole and stay there for eternity. Alice is just a slut. BITCHES. FUCKING ASSHOLES. DICKFUCKASSBITCH."

She grabbed the steering thingy and started driving the fucking starship from hell away. The name painted on the side was 'Gratuitous Swearing'.

She flew to a desert in the middle of nowhere and suddenly it exploded, dropping her unharmed in all her vampireness into the sand, where she wandered for a million years until she died. She just kind of dropped dead.

FIN.