A Star Ocean 2 Parody, by MetalGearSolidBoy
This has been edited from the original version. Some content may or may not have been changed.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Ocean: The Second Story, or any other persons that appear in this.
Oh, and...Enjoy?
Part I: Milocinia-Salva
(Planet Milocinia)
Director: "Ok, guys! We'll show Square what a real RPG is made of!
Cast&Crew: "Yeah!"
Crawd Kenni: "No! I love Square!"
(everybody stares at Crawd)
Crawd: "Hey, why are you all staring at---Ahhh! Oh my gosh! What are you doing to me! NOOO, NOT THAT! NOT THAT! AHHHHHHHHH!"
(dead silence)
Director: "Okay...NOBODY tell the authorities, you hear?"
C&C: "Nope."
Director: "Hmmm...we'll need a new Crawd now..."
Funny Thief: "Yo! What about that guy?"
(points toward some kid coming out of a restroom)
Director: "HIM? He's my assistant's waterboy. Besides, he's blonde. Most modern RPGs have enough blonde-headed heroes."
Funny Thief: "You think blonde heroes are bad for selling an RPG? Final Fantasy VII had Cloud Strife, and that turned out to be one of the best-selling games of all time!"
Director: "...You've got a point there, loser. Here's 10 bucks. Buy yourself a comic book or something."
Funny Thief: "You have no right to attack my dignity like that! I can sue you right now for calling me a loser. I know my rights! I'm throwin' the book at ya!"
Director: "So, instead of taking 10 whole U.S. dollars instantly, you'd rather file a lawsuit that would just end up giving you a measley 5-grand settlement?"
Funny thief: "...? Point well taken. (grabs 10 bucks)"
Director: "(Sucker!)"
Infringement
(Milocinia scene...well, close to it anyway)
Director: "Hey, YOU! You're our new Crawd, got it?"
New Crawd: "Crawd? OH GAWD!"
Director: "Yeah, yeah, we've all heard that rhyme. Let me just say that you're gonna do fine. Based on 2004 investigations, only 34 of RPG actors die on-set."
New Crawd: "Wow. So I have a 1-in-34 chance to live, huh? Sounds good to me. I'm proud to be working with you."
Director: "(...what a dolt) Don't push me, kid. Stop sucking up and fetch yourself Crawd's lines from his corpse."
Crawd: "Ewww...I didn't know that corpses would be so bloody. And what the heck did you do to his skin?"
Director: "Shut up and get to work. We're starting late."
Crawd: "Call me 'Claude'."
Director: "Why?"
Claude: "Sounds a heckuva lot better than Crawd, don't it?"
Director: "True, true. But why Claude?"
Claude: "Cuz 'You got Clauded!'"
Director: "?"
Claude: "...Geez, nobody gets my humor..."
Director: "(I'll blast the humour outta yer body if you tell me that again!) GET TO WORK, ALREADY!
Claude: "What a grouch. You sure had a bad childhood, didn't you? I know how you'd feel. My parents beat me up all the time. They didn't care about me. All I wanted was to be loved. Why do people have to be so..."
Director: "One more word out of you, and you'll be eating nothing but Rotten Sashimi the whole filming!"
Claude: "Whatever..."
(Squall jumps in and takes $50 from Claude, does a little dance, then vanishes into thin air)
Claude: "The heck was THAT!"
Director: "That idiot Squall has a special copyright on that phrase, and he can legally rob you of 50 bucks if you say that word! So do us all a favor and DON'T SAY IT!"
Claude: "Say what? 'Whatever?'"
(Squall jumps in, takes $50 from Claude, does the Chicken Limbo, then vanishes into thin air)
Claude: "O-kaaaaay..."
Director: "(What a moron. But whatever, I guess. Ooops!)"
(Squall jumps in, does the hokey pokey, heads for the Director's wallet, then...)
BLAM! (Squall's guts are on the floor)
Director: "He'll be back. But you won't be if you don't join Ronixis and his Calnus crew on the Milocinia scene in 10 seconds, buddy!"
Claude: "Eeep!"
Script-Reading at its Finest
Director: "Okay. Everybody in their places? Good, Take 1 on Milocinia! Action!"
Ronixis: "Well, any results different from the pre-landing survey?"
Science Officer: "No. The field itself seems to be made of magnetical energy, but the...uh...ummm...quantum level of the hydraulics in the temporal atmosphere seem to be fluctuating in a rather strange manner."
Director: "(A screw-up already! Oh well, nobody understands this stuff anyway.)"
Ronixis: "Oh, so I can only surmise that you're implying to me that we should move closer to the half-sphere structure ahead. (Hehehe...boy, am I GOOD or what?)"
Science Officer: "YES! EXACTLY Commodore! That's exactly what I was inferring...err...IMPLYING! That's right, implying!"
Director: (puffs smoke from cig)
Ronixis: "Before we execute such a maneuver, will you please take a spectral analysis of the waves emitted by the field?"
Science Officer: "Yes sir."
Director: "(Ok people, get back to your original lines...)"
Ronixis: "Claude, you've made it to Ensign. If there's any reason you have to defend yourself, use this."
(Deadly Weapon Phase Gun Armed and Ready)
Ronixis: "What's the matter? Nervous?"
Claude: "OF COURSE I'M NERVOUS! This is my first acting job, what do you expect! Geez, cut me some frickin' slack, Pops!"
Ronixis: "Pssst! (Read your lines, you mental wreck!)"
Claude: "Oh, ummm...Ok, I can do this..."
Claude: (heavy breathing, panting)
Claude: (hyperventilating, heat exhausting)
Claude: (Russian chanting)
Ronixis: "CLAUDE!"
Claude: "Ummm...no...that's not it..."
Ronixis: "Fine then. CRAWD!"
Claude: "No, no, no, I just read my line, silly!"
Ronixis: "...oh...ahem..."
Oops.
Ronixis: "Hahaha. Claude, you're an Ensign now, you'll need to be bolder than THAT!"
Claude: "Umm...a little help here?"
Director: "What's the friggin' holdup?"
Claude: "It says I'm supposed to make a little text bubble appear above my head and go '...' in that order."
Director: "What order! They're all periods!"
Claude: (text bubble appears) "..." Oh, you're right. There isn't really any order.
Director: "See? You just did it all by yourself. Now get on with it!"
Claude: "..."
(winks at the Director)
Director: "(keep winking, you little...)"
Ronixis: "All righty then! Claude, to use this Gun, all you have to do is press the L1 button at the start of a battle. If a battle starts, USE IT! Okay?"
Claude: "Got it."
Ronixis: "Good."
Claude: "Wait a minute...let me think here..."
Ronixis: "(Not again...)"
Claude: "So if, like you say, a battle starts, and then I press the L1 button, like this..."
Ronixis: "NO, Claude, don't press tha---"
(giant laser sound and explosion)
Ronixis: "AUGH! It burns, it burns! Gyahh!..."
(dead silence)
(Director's jaws drop)
Director: "GREAT. Just great. Now we need a new Ronixis."
Traditions
Director: "Now where are we gonna find a new Ronixis?"
Assistant Director: "I thought I just saw that William Riker guy from StarTrek a few days ago."
Director: "Oh, yeah, I saw him, too. Let's 'pick him up'.
Assistant Director: "Heheheh...I assume you want me to use the 'traditional method' of picking newcomers up?"
Director: "Yup."
Assistant: "Good. I got my chloroform ready."
(leaves)
Director: "This shouldn't take too long."
(sips coffee)
(Assistant comes back in carrying a bodybag)
Assistant: "I got him, sir. He's out like a light. But he smells kinda funny..."
Director: "Well, wake him up so we can continue Scene 1.
Assistant: SMACK! "Rise and shine, Riker! Or perhaps I should say, Commodore Kenni?"
Riker: "...mghf! Where the heck am I!"
Assistant: "You're in Milocinia, COMMODORE RONIXIS KENNI."
Riker: "Uh-oh. I heard about these kidnappings. This can only mean one thing----this is an RPG!"
Director: "That's right, Pot-Belly, and if you don't do exactly what we say, it's BACK TO WORKING AT MCDONALD's for you!"
Riker: "(mumble mumble) Fine. I'll do your stinkin' RPG. Provided I get paid, and that your Assistant doesn't blindside me and force chloroform up my nose when I already said that I'd go with him."
Assistant: (walks slowly away)
Director: "Of course you'll get paid. Now put on your uniform, and pick up that charred piece of...I mean, your lines."
Riker(as Ronixis): "Wow! I've never been a Commodore before, let alone an Admiral!"
Director: "Well, here's your chance to redeem yourself. Your acting sucked in Nemesis pretty bad..."
Ronixis: "...last I checked, at least Squaresoft doesn't go around KIDNAPPING Star Trek actors to fill in slots for an RPG gone horribly wrong."
Director: "...whatever..."
(Squall's guts rematerialize, he break-dances for about 10 minutes, hops like a rabbit toward the Director, dives in for the Director's wallet and...)
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
(Squall's ugly corpse melts away and gets dumped down a toilet)
Director: "What a moron. Assistant, tell everyone to get ready for the next scene, and pick up some more buck-shots while you're at it!"
Super-Size Me
(Milocinia Scene)
Director: "Okay everyone! Action!"
Ronixis: "Well? Anything?"
Science Officer: "Commodore, it's no use. Nothing in the database matches it."
Ronixis: "Nothing, eh?"
Ronixis: "All right. Then we'll just have to get closer."
Claude: "Yes, Mr.Riker sir.
Director: "D'oh!"
(crew walks toward dome)
Ronixis: "Who would build such a thing, and why? What is going on?"
Claude: "Hey, there's some writing on the dome's surface. I can barely make it out..."
Claude: "M-A-D-E--I-N--C-H-I-N-A"
Claude: "Wow, 'Made in China'! I guess that answers your first question, Pops."
Claude: "As for your 2nd question, '...and why?', my only guess is that the Communists made the Chinese people there manufacture it for resale."
Director: "CUT! It's a prop we set up here, you moron! Get with the program!"
Claude: "..."
Director: "What?"
Claude: (grins)
Director: "Uh...?"
Claude: "BA-DA-BUH-BAAA-BAAA! I'M LOVIN' IT!"
Riker: "I'll teach you for making fun of Mickey D's theme song!"
(whap!)
Claude: "Ow!"
The First Cut
(Milocinia Scene, still)
Director: "SHU'UP, all of you! We've got a deadline to meet, so get back on the scene."
Science Officer: "We have no choice but to explore the dome's exterior."
Ronixis: "Good idea. Everyone case the area."
Ronixis: "Remember, safety is the first priority, be careful."
Ronixis: "Claude, we're gonna be searching around the dome for anything suspicious. So far things look normal around here, but if you see anything, just tell me."
Claude: "Umm...okay."
Claude: "(Can't he see that panel shooting sparks out? Geez, these guys are idiots. I mean, I'M a lowly Ensign, and I find it right away. Maybe I should act dumb like them and stand around, too.)"
(everyone stands around like idiots for about 15 minutes)
Director: "Uh, when is Claude supposed to tell Ronny where that panel is?"
Assistant: "He was supposed to do it immediately. But he's just standing around like an idiot. Why can't he see it? He's looking straight in that direction, too!"
Ronixis: "CLAUDE, we're waiting for you."
Claude: "Buh?"
Ronixis: "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT FRICKING PANEL SHOOTING SPARKS AROUND! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WALK UP TO IT AND ASK FOR MY HELP!"
Claude: "Why the heck didn't you notice it? It was right in front of your eyes! Your little buddy Cadet #1 got zapped in the face walking past it!"
Cadet #1: "...DID NOT! Liar, liar, pants on fire!"
Claude: "Then why is the left side of your face oozing blood and looks burnt?"
Cadet #1: "...uh, I used a Mach 6 from Gillette?"
Claude: "Bull crap!"
Ronixis: "That's enough. Claude, please walk up to the panel and ask for my help."
Claude: "Tch! Lazy bums."
(walks up to it)
Claude: "Hey, Fath...I mean, COMMODORE CRAP-FACE!"
Director: "Assistant, get the bat ready. Once this scene's done Claude is gonna be taught a lesson on scrip-reading."
Assistant: "Yes, sir!"
Ronixis: "Wow! You found it all by yourself with NO FINGERS POINTING OUT TO IT. Good work, Claude."
Crew, including Ronixis: "..."
Ronixis: "Well, do you think you can get this to work?"
Science Officer: "With some time, I may be able to..."
(door suddenly opens)
Ronixis: "Claude, why did you just open the door manually? We were to wait for this baffoon!"
Science Officer: (sniff sniff)
Claude: "We'll get nothing done if we keep fretting like this!"
Ronixis: "And you're not supposed to say that yet, either!"
Claude: "Huh? What are you talking about?"
Director: Forget it, people. Just go inside the dome. Science Officer, you're fired. We don't need you anymore.
Science Officer: "...if you need me, I'll be in Henry's Happy Barrel..."
#$&!
(Milocinia, AGAIN)
Director: "Ok, ACTION."
Ronixis: "You're really something Claude. Who would have thought that you could just open the door right up? Good work."
Claude: "All in a day's work, Pops."
Ronixis: "Well, let's go inside everyone. Be on your guard."
Crew: "Yes sir."
(the crew enters and explores)
Claude: "?"
Ronixis: "Claude, don't approach that device yet. We still don't know what it is."
Claude: "Tsk, tsk, tsk."
(heads toward it)
Ronixis: "Claude!"
Claude: "There's no stopping me Father! What are you gonna do, come here and get me----OWWWW! Stupid rock!"
Director: "Heheheh..."
Claude: "Urgh...darn, that hurt."
Claude: "We'll get nothing done if we keep flirting like this!"
Director: "(Of all the lousy screw-ups...)"
Ronixis: "Who's flirting?"
Claude: "Well, you were flirting with that girl in the swimsuit during break..."
Ronixis: "...Um..uh..."
Ronixis: "Whatever! Now come back here this instant!"
(Squall's toilet-drained guts split into 4 and they regenerate into 4 Squalls. The 4 Squalls do a little jig with the flute and violin, and then snag $200 from Riker's coat pocket)
Ronixis: "WHAT the $#&$ did I do to deserve this!"
Director: "It's yer own $& fault for saying that word."
Claude: "Hahaha! You suck!"
Cast & Crew: "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah!"
Ronixis: "URRRRR...THAT'S IT!"
Ronixis: "Later, son! See ya on Expel!"
(activates teleporting pod-device thingy)
Claude: "Hey, what the----AHHH!"
Cast & Crew: "Whoaaaahhhhh! We're being sucked up too!"
Director: "(Dangit, I was hopin' to take the Calnus there.)"
(WHITEOUT)
Ahhh...oh...
(New Scene, Shingo Forest)
Claude: "Ow...where am I?"
Claude: "OH CRAP! My stupid 'Dad' must've beamed us off somewhere!"
Claude: "...that's it! My communicator!"
Claude: "Can you hear me now?...Good."
Static: "shweiwofeihfejofhahfhoeyreuynayngrag!"
Claude: "Geez, just tell me where Ronixis is."
Static: "hdfoahsfbwerfhawnfynwrntgrvasnkjhf!"
Claude: (In a high-pitched voice) "Screw you, guy, I'm a goin' home!"
Static: "Here's a little advice for you. Never #$?& with me you son of a $#$!"
Claude: "EEP"
Generic Plans
(Shingo Forest Scene)
Claude: "Lousy communicator! What a piece of crap!"
Claude: "(Judging by the looks of this place, I'm betting this is an undeveloped planet.)"
Claude: "...Heheheheh, I can terrorize the masses and make them believe I'm some sort of The Warrior holding a The Sword of Light."
Claude: "(Better yet, I could drain a Pharoah of his energies. Or, I could go find some temple, take a shiny black orb out of it, and use its powers to crush the entire world with a meteor of some sort! Maybe I could even grab some Egg that controls Time and change the future of the planet! Or, I could find some woman gifted with the power to send people back into the past, capture her, and use wierd sorceress magic to compress time! Perhaps it would be wiser to accompany a summoner marching toward her doom just to bring a 10-year reign of peace. It might be fun to dress up like a girl and kill my creator and home planet just because I realize that I have a lifespan. Or...I could forge a Ring to Rule Them All, and make it so that it turns me invisible! Or, I could make 6 billion clones of myself and take over an artificial world formerly run by machines!)"
Claude: "...or I could just investigate some stupid Globe."
Claude: "..."
Claude: "Yeah, I'll go with the last choice. It sucks so bad."
Claude: "H-hey!"
(a helpless girl is being attacked by some gorilla)
Claude: "...I have to save her!"
(Battle Begins!)
Claude: "We can win this!"
Claude: "(We? Why the heck did I just say 'We'?)"
Claude: "Ha! Feel the wrath of my deadly punch! On Earth I was known as the Iron Ball Buster! Take this! Yaaaaaah!"
0 Damage
Claude: "What the #$&?"
Claude: "Rrrgh...fine, then, TAKE THIS!"
0 Damage
Claude: "That's it. You're really going down. I'll avenge the deaths of all my forefathers...with THIS!"
Claude: "GO PHASE GUN! BURN!"
(click click)
Claude: "Huh?"
Claude: "WHY ISN'T IT WORKING!"
(click click)
Gorilla Man: "Hahaha! You not so tough!"
SMACK!
Claude: "OOOOffff!"
35 Damage
Claude: "This is obviously a timed battle. There's no way an RPG would kick off with a boss so hard. HAHAHAHAHA!"
Gorilla: "Time to go bye-buy!"
Smash!
Claude: "Uggh! Minor setback, minor setback."
28 Damage
Claude: "Why won't my Gun work?"
click click
Gorilla: "Heh...you in hot water now!"
Hit!
Claude: "DANGIT!"
30 Damage
Gawd, they're back...
(Meanwhile, the Director and Crew wake up in the forest)
Director: "Oh, shucks. He's fighting that gorilla thing already!"
Assistant: "Double-dang, his Phase Gun ain't workin' either."
Director: "Well, I kinda took the batteries out."
Claude: "You WHAT!"
Director: "I didn't want you killing any more of my cast."
Claude: "Well, hand me the batteries!"
Director: "I would if I could, but since you're in an unescapable battle, you can't open your menu and equip them."
Claude: "In Final Fantasy X you could change equipment during battle. Can't we just switch to their battle system!"
Director: "That would violate copyright laws, plus FFX doesn't exist in our timeline yet."
Claude: "?...you're right."
Crack!
30 damage
Director: "Well, he's dead. Does anybody know how to use Compound?"
Funny Thief A: "I do, sir!"
Director: "Good. Let's pray that we can get a Resurrection Bottle out of this!"
Funny Thief A: "Don't worry, sir! My Compounding Level is 10, and we have the Antiseptic Gloves!"
Director: "...just to be safe, let's use Orchestra. Assistant, hire some cheap band to play some music for this baffoon so that he doesn't fail."
Funny Thief A: "(You'll pay for calling me that.)"
Assistant: "I brought the Backstreet Boys here."
(Everybody stares at Assistant)
Assistant: "WHAT? You told me to hire a cheap band. These guys actually gave us $10 to play."
Backstreet Boys: "You are...my fire. My one...desire..."
Funny Thief A: "Let's get this party started!"
(Freaky Item Creation Music plays)
Director: "Surely we got it!"
Funny Thief A: "Nope. Nothing."
Director: "That was our last set of items, too..."
Heal!
(Shingo Forest)
Director: "Dangit. How are we gonna heal Claude?"
Funny Thief A: "I would've compounded a Resurrection Bottle, but your lousy Assistant had to hire the Backstreet Boys to perform an Orchestra."
Backstreet Boys: (whimper pout)
Assistant: "Hey, Mr.Director told me to hire some cheap band! So don't go jumpin' on me!"
Director: "You didn't exactly hire them! They gave you money to perform."
Director: "...oh, look, that Gorilla thing is pounding that helpless blue-haired girl to a pulp."
Funny Thief B: "I'd make a good Claude! Let me slay that Gorilla thing!"
Director: "YOU! Ah, what the , go ahead. You can't be much worse than your brother, Funny Thief A."
Funny Thief A: "(Urge to kill Director rising...)"
New Claude(a.k.a."Funny Thief B"): "Prepare to die, Gorilla thing of the Abyss!"
Blue-haired Girl: "Oh...thank you...whoever you are..."
Claude: "BURN!"
(slashes with sword)
0 Damage
Claude: "Rrgh! What's it take, huh!"
Gorilla: "Funny Thief funny after all. Hohohoho!"
Smack!
30 damage
Director: "There goes Funny Thief B..."
Assistant: "!"
Director: "What is it?"
Assistant: "I found a packet of salt in my Happy Meal!"
Director: "Happy Meal?"
Assistant: "Well, I had a bite to eat while I was kidnapping Mr.Riker. Anyways, now we can revive Claude!"
Director: "Oh, yeah, Smelling Salts! Hurry up and use it!"
Funny Thief C: "I'll put the batteries inside Claude's Phase Gun!"
Gorilla: Smack!
31 damage
(Thief C falls dead)
Funny Thief D: "...guess I'll go..."
Smash
(Thief D drops cold)
Director: "Stupid, weak flunkies. I'll handle this."
Gorilla: "You die now!"
Director: "Here."
Gorilla: "B...b...b...b...BANANA CREPES! ARG! UGH! FUNGHAG! MAIEEED! SQUAK! GIMME GIMME!"
(puts batteries in, then walks away)
Assistant: "Here, Claude. Take a whiff of this!"
(Claude slowly regains conciousness)
Claude: "AHHHHH! MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL EYES!
IT BURNS! THEY'RE MELTING!"
Director: "YOU were supposed to sprinkle it by his nose, you fool!"
Assistant: "I did. He's just ranting like an crack addict."
Claude: "...oh. Heheheh...sorry?"
Director: "Hurry, take your Phase Gun and blast away that enemy!"
Claude: "Yes sir!"
Claude: "BURN!"
(1970's blaster rifle SFX)
Rena: "AHHHHH! WHY, WHY, WHY!...I'm too young...to..die..."
(dead silence)
Director: "..."
Cast: "..."
Gorilla: "..."
Director: "HOW...STUPID...CAN...YOU...FRICKIN BE! THERE GOES RENA!"
Claude: "Hey. I'm a part of the Animal Rights Activists Committee! This Gorilla is the only one of its kind! This young lady was trying to slaughter it, I just know it! It is my sworn duty to protect all forms of animal life from potentia---"
Director: "I'll give you $1.50 if you resign from that club."
Claude: "Done. (takes money)"
Home-Baked Goodness
(Shingo Forest Scene)
Director: "Claude, we've managed to get a hold of a new Rena. Please be careful with her."
Rena: "No worries, Direc! Unlike the last Rena, I can heal myself!"
Director: "Really? Hmmm...maybe I can add some extra storyline based on that new ability of yours."
Rena: "You better hurry, my entire script says to Ad-lib."
Claude: "Hey, why does she get the 'Ad-lib' script! No fair! I wanna go home!" pouts
Whap!
Claude: "Owweee..."
Director: "You're such a baby. Well, who cares? We need you to do this scene right, okay?"
Claude: "Fine."
(Everything resets)
Director: "ACTION!"
Claude: "I've got to save her!"
(Battle Starts)
Claude: (as Dias) "Piece of junk..."
Director: "Cut, what the was that!"
Assistant: "Disc error, sir. This game is chock full of it."
Director: (as Opera) "I will make you fall."
Director: "?"
Assistant: "Whoah, it's even getting to you, sir."
Claude: (as Leon) "Leave it to me!"
Director: "Why? What are you gonna do?"
Claude: (as Director) "Whatever..."
(Squall gets beamed down to Expel via that energy pod thingy in Milocinia, recites 5 books from the New Testament in a random manner, twirls and twirls until he can twirl no more, licks his ten fingers, plays a wierd piece on the cello, crab-walks toward the Director's wallet, snags $50, then vanishes into thin air)
Director: "WHAT! I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING!"
Assistant: "The disc messed up, making Claude speak in your voice, and Squall confused you for Claude."
Director: (sigh) "I'll be taking a short break. Take over for me, will ya?"
Assistant: "Sure. Enjoy your Bud Light."
Director: "(I'm takin' that out of your pay, hotshot!)"
Assistant: "Claude, just kill that Gorilla thing already."
Claude: "Yes sir! Say yer prayers, Gorilla thing!"
0 Damage
Claude: "Whoopsee Daisy! I forgot about my Phase Gun!"
Claude: "Uhhh...burn!"
640 Damage
Gorilla: sqeak
Claude: "BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN!"
(GIANT BLUE EXPLOSIONS)
Assistant: "Okay, Claude. Calm down, no need to get that aggressive!"
Claude: "BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN!"
Assistant: "AHHHHH! STAY AWAY FROM ME!"
(huge blue explosion)
Claude: (as Bowman) "Well, that was a good workout."
Rena: "Geez, is it safe to come out yet?"
Claude: "Yeah, I killed that Gorilla guy dead."
Claude: "I guess we just wait for the Director, 'cuz I don't see the Assistant anywhere."
Rena: "Look down by your feet."
Claude: "HEY! IT's Mr.Assistant! Wake up, silly! Huh, why are you so black, crispy, and delicious looking? Why aren't you moving, sir?"
Rena: "Dude, you friggin' KILLED him! The Director's gonna be so mad..."
Director: (to himself) "Today we salute you, Mr. Way2Cool4U Director! We awe at your awsomeness and...WHAT...HAPPENED...HERE?"
Claude: "I think I killed him dead-like, but I'm not sure."
Director: "Why...you...little..."
(Claude and Rena back off)
Director: "...Angel! Thank you so much for killing my Assistant. He was always such a pain in the . Here's a cookie, Hero!"
Claude: (munch) "Mmmm! Yummers! Now things are starting to pay off!"
Two Different Wavelengths
(Arlia Village Scene)
Rena: "Are you a traveler?"
Claude: "Yeah, ummmm, something like that."
Rena: "Where'd you come from?"
Claude: "I'm from...Earth."
Rena: "Urth? Where exactly is that?"
Claude: "Hahaha...very funny Rena Lanford."
Rena: "Is it on the other side of El?"
Claude: "Nah, M is on the other side of L."
Rena: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Claude: "You asked me if Earth was on the other side of L, and we all know that M comes after L, so M must be on the other side."
Rena: "Geez, just drop it. You're so stupid."
Claude: "Hey, I'm the one who saved yer life! And now you're acting more stupider than me, asking me where the hell Earth is!"
Rena: "Screw you, I'm a goin' home..."
Claude: "...and I ALREADY used that line!"
Director: "(Gosh darnit, it wasn't supposed to go like this! Now what are we gunna do?)"
Claude: "Shall we dance, Mr.Director?"
Whap!
Claude: "Owwweeeee! Cut it out!"
Director: "Hmmmm...well, I guess we'll just have you explore the town on your own."
Claude: "Maaaaaaaaaaan, this place literally smells like crap! I mean, where I'm from the air smells wonderful. With all the pleasant odors from our pollution, and don't forget car exhaust! Ahhhh, good 'ol car exhaust..."
Director: "(He's right, this place does smell like year-old manure. The weirdest thing is, there's not an animal in sight. That could only mean that the people here go outside and...ughhhh! Don't even wanna think about it...)"
(Claude enters the village, then stands around in the shadowy area for about 5 minutes)
Director: "Uhhh...Claude?"
Claude: "Heheheheheh...AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! DARKNESS SURROUNDS US! IT'S TIME FOR A TRIP TO THE SHADOWS! BAHAHAHAHAWK!"
Director: "Claude! Get a hold of yerself!"
Claude: "Oh...sorry. Just reciting lines from my favorite T.V. show on WB."
Director: "WB? Their shows suck."
Claude: "Don't diss the Frog, man. I'll have you know that I've seen all the episodes for every cartoon ever on that station!"
Director: "..."
Claude: "Speaking of which, it's almost 4:30. Yo, old geezer! Can I go to your house and watch T.V?"
Old Geezer from Arlia: "What are you talking about? I don't have a house! If I did, would you see me standing here? I think NOT!"
Claude: "Not have a house? Surely one of these must be yours!"
Old Geezer: "Take a look yourself. All there is are the Church, the Newlywed's House, the General Store, Rena's house, Bossman's house, and the Mayor's residence."
Claude: "What about this house to my direct right?"
Old Geezer: "Do you see a door? I sure don't."
Claude: "Why the $& would anyone make a house without a door!"
Director: "One word...background."
Claude: "Yeah, yeah, and I suppose this water ain't real either. I can just walk right into it and..."
(Claude falls in water and starts drowning)
Claude: "Ahhhh! Help! I can't swim, I can't swim!"
Director: "Heheheheheheheheh..."
Claude: "Aren't you gonna pull me out?"
Director: "Just tell me when your lungs are half-filled with water, and I'll help ya..."
Meow.
(Arlia Village)
Claude: "Urp! I can't eat anymore. I'm finished."
Rena: "...You're just lucky my stupid mother actually fed your pathetic face! I didn't even want you in my house."
Director: "Mmmmmm...your 'mother' sure can cook!"
Rena: "What do you mean by 'mother'?"
Director: "Oh, ummm...never mind. It doesn't mean anything."
Claude: "Wait, if this is what I think it is, then Westa isn't your mother at all!"
Rena: "!"
Rena: "(How'd he know?)"
Claude: "Yup. I'm a genius. Bud Light even said so."
Rena: "If Westa isn't my mother, then who is my mom?"
Claude: "Simple. Your mother is an Ancient."
Director: "(Hoo boy...)"
Rena: "The heck is an Ancient!"
Claude: "Don't you know? You're one, too!"
Rena: "I'm...an Ancient?"
Claude: "Like your mother, Ifalna."
Director: "Pssst! (Claude, you fool, you're thinking of a different story! Stick with these new lines, why don't ya?)"
Claude: "Oh! Uh, never mind, Rena. I was just kidding! Ahahahahahahahhahah..."
Rena: "...get out of my house. NOW. I don't even know who I am anymore."
Claude: "We'll just see what Westa has to say about this!"
Rena: "Suck-up."
Director: "Got that right, miss."
Claude: "WESTA! Rena's actin' like a big baby! She keeps telling me to leave your beautiful big home! Punish her, I saved her life!"
Westa: "Rena, go to your room!"
Rena: "Dang! Mom, I don't even like him!"
Westa: "Shut your stuckup mouth an' get to your dumb little room!"
Rena: "Urrrrrr!"
Claude: "Geez, she's such a whiny gal."
Westa: "Yeah, I've had to put up with her for more than a decade!"
Claude: "Man, that's rough."
Westa: "Tell me about it. But you, you're such a nice lad!"
Claude: "(purrs)"
Men of Action
Director: "(Okay, now things are starting to get out of hand. I'm gonna put an end to this crap once and for all.)"
Director: "Uhh, I'm just gonna...step outside for a bit. Thanks for the meal, ma'am!"
Westa: "No problem. I'll take GOOD care of Claudey Waudey!"
Director: "Whatev...phew! Didn't say it."
(Director steps outside)
Director: "Okay, people, we need to get Claude and Rena together. How are we gunna get this done?"
Funny Thief A: "How 'bout we have a friend of Rena that goes crazy and kidnapps her. Then, we'll make Claude rescue her, and they'll be friends once again!"
Director: "That sucks. Any other ideas?"
Funny Thief A: "..."
Director: "Yo! Camera Dude #4! What do you think we should do?"
Camera Dude #4: "Uhhhh...bomb Arlia to bits?"
Director: "I was thinking of doing that, too, but we're not allowed to DIRECTLY murder our actors, in this case Claude."
Director: "I'VE GOT IT! We'll have some guy named Alen-Tax, a friend of Rena's, snag Rena and go insane! Then, I'll force Claude to save her, then we'll go through some pointless 1/2 hour dialog, and the journey will continue!"
Funny Thief A: "That's what I was trying to tell you!"
Director: "No you didn't. You talked about some really crappy kidnapping/crazy guy scenario. That really blows, don't you think?"
Funny Thief A: "..."
(Director heads back inside)
Director: "Claude! We're leaving! C-Claude!"
Claude(all dressed up in a fancy ballerina dress): "Yes, dear mother, I would simply ADORE another cup of tea!"
Westa: Heheee...here you go, Claude my DARLING son!"
whap!
Westa: "Ow! What was that for?"
Director: "You're really ticking me off, lady. Get a new husband or something."
whap!
Claude: "Crap, that hurt!"
Director: "Tea parties, Claude? You wuss."
Elocution
(Arlia Village, after Alen nabs Rena)
Mayor Regis: "Claude, you must help us, they kidnapped Rena!"
Claude: "Oh."
Regis: "..."
Westa: "..."
Priest: "..."
Regis: "Ahem...we're waiting..."
Claude: "For what?"
Regis: "Uh...for you to rescue Rena..."
Claude: "The $$ should I care? All she's done is cause me frickin trouble this whole time!"
Claude: "Why the heck can't you go an' save her?"
Regis: "Because...Alen, the one who kidnapped Rena, is the son of the powerful mayor of Salva..."
Claude: "Yeah, I've been to that Saliva. Those people aren't so tough. All they do there is drink and sell their own puke in the form of jam! And that $& stupid Freckled-girl Yuki is #$$# me off! She's like, 'Oh. I can't make anymore &$#$$& jam because I can't sing worth a piece of #?$!$' And I have to go, 'Yuki, follow yer $#?&! dreams, you stupid $#$&!' And all of a sudden she's like 'Oh wow, you've really helped me a lot. Now I can sell my $ jam again!'"
Priest: "Oh, have mercy on this possessed kid's soul!"
New Assistant Director(a.k.a. "Camera Dude #4): "Say, Mr.Director, what content rating was this RPG supposed to have?"
Director: "E for Everyone, but that sure as HELL ain't possible now."
Assistant: "I'd ask you to please refrain from such foul language sir. You're setting a bad example for Claude. Just look at him."
Claude: "And then my $&! Director made me ask more people in Saliva about how to get to $#!$& space again! And I'm like, 'Hey? $$$$ing person! Where can I find a &!#$ing machine of some sort!' Geez, this whole $# world is just #$#?$ me!"
Priest: "AUGH! MASSIVE...HEART...FAILURE...TOO...MUCH! DEMONIC...INFLUENCE...RADIATING...FROM...BOY! UGH!"
(drops dead)
Regis: "!"
Director: "Shoot. There goes another fine walk-on..."
Assistant: "Yes. We'll honor his death for a long time."
Director & Assistant: "..."
Everyone: "Ahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahaha!"
Teh Dizzy
(World Map, just outside of Arlia)
Claude: "Holy Crap! What a view!"
Claude: "Heheheh...I wonder what happens if I press R1..."
Assistant: "(What does he mean by that?)"
Director: "(Beats me. It's not like this is a video game.)"
Claude: "Wheeeee! I'm going in circles! Hahahahha, this is soooooooo much fun!"
Claude: "Now, I'll hold R1 while going right at the same time!"
Claude: "Aheeheeheeheehee! Wh00!"
(Random Battle Occurs)
Claude: "This looks bad. Here's the enemy."
Claude: "Why the heck do I keep sayin' that corny dialog!"
Claude: "Meh. It's just a stinkin' Lizardaxe."
Lizardaxe: "Grah! Roar!"
Claude: "Ha, I can just swipe him to death with my Long Sword I got from that old dude in Arlia."
Claude: "Take this!"
(Lizard quickly counters with a pitiful poke)
Claude: "Uh oh!"
Claude: "Yeah, well, you can't keep poking me with that forever."
(Claude charges, then gets poked again)
Claude: "Uh oh!"
Claude: "Uh oh!"
Claude: "Uh oh!"
Director: "What the----he's getting his scrawny little butt whupped. HEY! Swing your sword a little faster! It may do less damage, but at least it'll hit!"
Claude: "Urgh...what do you think I was TRYING to do?"
Director: "You know, I really hate physically handicapped fools like this fellow."
Assistant: "Me too, sir, me too."
Claude: "I'll kick yer sorry----Uh oh!---ass so hard that----uh oh!--you'll wish you were never----Uh oh!---BORN!"
Slice!
(Lizardaxe FINALLY dies)
Claude: "Looks like we've won!"
Claude: "(Dangit, here we go again with the 'we'...)"
Claude: "Crawd has advanced forward. Heheh..."
Director: "What?"
Claude: "Yay! I learned a new Killer Move! Air Slash."
Director: "Don't bother using any new techniques yet. We've got to get to Salva."
Claude: "Screw you, man, I got some air to slash!"
(another Random Battle)
Claude: "Heheh...you Lizardaxes are in for a heap of trouble."
Claude: "Air Slash!"
(Claude starts vainly waving sword back and forth like a fan)
Director: sweatdrop "Oh...my...gosh..he..sucks..."
Assistant: "Geez, better get the handy-dandy Special Effects Crew in."
(Special Effects Crew plants a chain of bombs underground, and turns a fan on behind Claude)
Director: "Okay, Claude. Now!"
Claude: "Air Slash!"
Assistant: "Fans on HIGH!"
(fans start whirring)
Assistant: "Good! Now, set chain bombs off!"
(multiple explosions progressing toward Lizardaxes)
Lizardaxes: "Raw! Ork! Gyah!"
(fall dead)
Director: "Excellent. That's a wrap."
Claude: "Whee! Let's do that AGAIN!"
Assistant: "You moron. That move cost us $2,000 to pull off! Can't you just do your own? It's your first technique."
Claude: "Tech...nique?"
Freckles
(Saliva...errr..Salva--dang Claude!)
Claude: "Okay...so, we have a little child who's running around in circles as if legally insane, and an obvious alchoholic who is worried about some stinkin' frat party...well, I guess everything's normal then!"
Claude: "Heheheh...before I rescue poor little Rena, there's some fun to be done!"
Director: (sips some ale)
Claude: "Hey Yuki! I suppose your jam is still pretty up?"
Yuki: "Oh, is it ever!"
Claude: "Excellent. Methinks I'll take a look-see."
Yuki: "Go ahead, everything's fresh!"
(Shop Menu pops up)
Claude: "(Here I go)"
Claude: "Wow! This jam sure looks good! I think I'll buy...20 of this...20 of this...and...20 of this jam, too!"
Yuki: "Awsome! (Finally, some sales! Now my boyfriend will stop beating me at night!)"
Claude: "...okay, here's the FOL!"
(Claude extends the wad of cash toward Yuki)
Yuki: "Oh, thank you!"
(Claude quickly swipes it back to his pocket)
Claude: "NOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! I DON'T WANT YOUR #$#& JAM, I GOT MORE CRAP TO SELL!"
Yuki: "Nooooooooooooo, not again!"
Claude: "Now let's see here...I'll just set the jam number back to 0...like so..."
Yuki: "(...more bruises for me...life sucks!)"
Obstacles
(Salva Scene)
Claude: "Now I'll go to Sell, and let's see what you're gunna buy!"
Yuki: "I don't want any of your stinkin' stuff! Get outta here!"
Claude: "You don't have a choice, do you? Once I press Settle, you're done for."
Yuki: "He's...right..."
Claude: "Heeheehee...I'd like to sell 20 Useless Decorations, and 8 Necklaces, please."
Yuki: "No way! We already have 20 Useless Decorations, and for some odd reason nobody can hold more than 20 of anything!"
Claude: "Tsk, tsk, tsk!"
(presses Settle)
Yuki: "...FINE. TAKE YOUR CASH AN' GET THE HELL OUTTA MY SHOP!"
Claude: "Pleasure doing business with you. (walks out)"
(Director is standing outside of shop)
Director: "All right, you've had your fun, now head to that mansion NOW!"
Claude: "...I'm goin, I'm goin..."
(In front of mansion)
Claude: "Hmmm...the door's locked..."
Claude: "Well, I guess it's hopeless. It's not like I can just head for a side window or slash my way in, right?"
Claude: "...and I can't just go into the Saliva Drift and kill those poorly paid and poorly trained guards. I mean, it's not like I have enough strength, considering I have my measely Phase Gun that only destroys things at the molecular level."
Director: "(Just blast your way in, Claude...c'mon...it's not that hard...)"
Claude: "And I sure as heck can't pick up the KEY ON THE GROUND that says 'To the Mansion' on it. That just doesn't make any sense now, does it?"
Director: "Claude, blast the door down!"
Claude: "OH! THAT'S THE MOST REASONABLE THING TO DO."
Director: "Be careful Claude. There may be some powerful enemies inside."
Claude: "No problem, D-man! In case you forgot, I spent well over 10 hours getting my Phase Gun's Proficiency to 999. Now, there's no way any monster can stand up to me."
(shoots Gun)
(giant blue explosion)
Claude: "Ha! Now that's breaking in with style!"
Claude: "!"
Claude: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, my Phase Gun's batteries ran out! Frickin' Energizer, that bunny's gunna get it when I get back to Earth!"
Director: "And after all that time we watched him gain max proficiency on it, too. What luck, what luck..."
Straight Answers
(Salva Mansion)
Claude: "Hey! Where's Rena!"
Old-aged Servant: "I---I--don't know."
Claude: "Bull-crap! Tell me! I didn't waste these Phase Gun batteries for nothing, loser!"
Servant: "Ahhh! Uhhh..ummm...I still don't know what you're talking about. There's no secret entrance to the Salva Drift behind the bookcase in that room to your right, in case you were wondering..."
Director: "(Somebody shoot him...)"
Claude: "You're probly right, old dude. Why the heck would there be a secret entrance to a Saliva Drift behind a bookcase? Since when do people have secret rooms behind a bookcase. I mean, that's way out of the ordinary. It's just so..."
whap!
Claude: "OW! Son of a...!"
Director: "Get going, Sherlock."
(Claude enters the room with the bookshelves)
Claude: "It's Rena's hairpin! I've never seen it before, or noticed it in her hair, but it's hers alright!"
Claude: "She can't be here. She must've disapperated."
Director: "It's 'disappeared', and she's beyond the Secret Entrance Behind the Bookcase. So, flip the switch and go."
Claude: "Silly goose, we can just pull the Bookcase out. Watch..."
(Claude frantically and embarrassingly starts to pull the case out of the way, but fails)
Director: whistles " ...like THIS." (flips switch)
(the passage is revealed)
Claude: "That smarts!"
Director: "Whatever..."
(Squall pops out of a BradyGames FFVIII Strategy Guide hidden in the bookshelf, reads the whole guide in a language unknown to man, starts dancing in bullet-time, then takes $50 from the Director, and retreats back to the guide, which mysteriously vanishes into a dark vortex of death)
Director: "Damn...I forgot to bring my shotgun with me..."
(Inside Demented Cathedral, where Rena and Alen are)
Claude: "Stop! There can be no marriage with a one-man party!"
Director: "(smacks himself)"
Alen-Tax: "What? Anyway, you are wrong...WE love each other dearly, and wish to be married...only soon to be divorced about a month later, which is to be expected of most marriages these days."
Claude: "You're right. Then what's the point?"
Alen-Tax: "...there is none. But do YOU have a good reason to rescue Rena? Huahuahuahuahua..."
Claude: "Heck, yeah, I do. Wanna hear it?"
Alen-Tax: "No..."
Claude: "Well, if you insist..."
Claude: (80s music plays) "I DO IT ALL FOR THE MONEY! YES ALL FOR THE MONEY! YUP, ALL FOR THE MONEY! YES, ALL FOR THE MONEY, 'CUZ MCDONALDS TREATS YOU RIIIIGHT!"
Alen-Tax: "You're too late! You cannot defeat me. As soon as the battle begins, I will be replaced with a hideous looking monster that is in no way linked to my health! Mwahahahahahahahah!"
Claude: "According to my script, it says you'll automatically return back to normal and injured after the battle! BEAT THAT!"
Director: "(Dangit, he revealed my plan. I was gunna blow Alen's legs off while Claude and Rena fought his mysterious double that in no way looks like him...)"
Alen-Tax: "WHAT! OH NOES, I'VE BEEN BETRAYED!"
Director: "Shoot. Things are gunna get ugly..."
Alen-Tax: "Well, Claude, you may be strong, but you have no idea what you're up against! You see this green stone within my hand? Sure, it LOOKS like a piece of the Sorcery Globe, but it is ACTUALLY the fabled 'Ultima' Materia! I'll kill you ALL!"
Claude: "Materia! Ultima! What do I do, Direc!"
Director: "...pray that Squaresoft's lawyers come and sue Alen to death...that's about it..."
Hallelujah!
Alen-Tax: "Forget my double-who-in-no-way-looks-like-me, You're dealing with me now, you THREE!"
(Battle Starts)
Claude: "Things'll work out...I think."
Director: (new voice samples) "...sucks to be me..."
Rena: "Heads up!"
(Everybody looks up)
Alen: "What? I don't see anything..."
Claude: "Rena, just what the $#$ are you thinking!"
Director: "..."
Rena: "Hey! It's not MY fault! I automatically make some stupid remark at the beginning of a battle!"
Alen: "Heeheeheehaha! No more games, time for ULTIMA!"
(long spell chant starting)
Director: "Quick, Rena! Interrupt him with Press!"
Rena: "Are you kidding me! I'm not gonna press myself against Alen!"
Director: groans "No, the spell!"
Rena: "?"
Director: "Shoot, you're at level 1. I forgot..."
Claude: "Should I move in and attack?"
Director: "Yes, damn you!"
Claude: "Heeya!"
Alen: "Ouchers! That was painful!"
(begins chanting again)
Director: "Attack again!"
Claude: "Gimme a break...I'm tired...phew!"
Director: "When you want something done, you'll have to do it yourself..."
Rena: "Hey, what's this? A...mandrake?"
Director: "Get ready, Alen, my Infinity Desperado KM will leave you crying. It guarantees at least 5 hits for 9999 damage!"
Director: "Die!"
Director: "?"
Director: "Oh, that's right. No shotgun..."
Rena: "Here, Mr.Director, maybe this'll help!"
(throws mandrake)
Director: "GAH!...ugh...stupid...see you in hell, Rena."
(dies)
Rena: "WHAT? It kills him? What's the point of having a Mandrake then?"
Claude: "...maybe for solo games..."
Rena: "Solo...games?"
Claude: "?"
Claude: "Geez, now I'm starting to go insane."
(long spell chant finally ends after 10 seconds)
Alen: "Hahahahhahahhahahhahahahahahahhahahhaha! GO ULTIMA! Destroy them ALL!"
(nothing happens)
Alen: "?"
Claude: "Hahahahaaa! You forgot to earn the 5000 AP needed to USE it, sucker!"
Alen: "NOES! I'm screwed! The lawyers will be here any minute..."
(Squaresoft Lawyers Appear)
Lawyer: "You've directly violated a golden copyright that states NO COPYING, WANABEE SQUARE companies!"
Alen-Tax: "Ahhhhh! Stay away from me!"
Lawyer: "You will be terminated...to the full extent of the law..."
(heavenly music plays)
Alen-Tax: "Yeah, yeah, what're you gunna do to me you...?...!...WHAT'S...THAT!...IT'S...ENORMOUS!...HOW...DOES IT...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH , STOP! NO, MY LEG! IT'S GONE! MY FATHER'LL HAVE YER HEAD FOR THA------AAAAAUGGGHHH! URK! (slice drip)"
Lawyer: "Let that be a lesson to you, Enix. No one messes with Square...NO ONE."
(vanishes)
(dead silence)
Director: "What the heck was THAT!"
Claude: (sniff sniff) "It...killed...dear Alen!"
Rena: "...what'd you just say?"
Claude: "NOOOOOO! Come back Alen!"
Director: "He's just suffering from the trauma...anyway, anyone who stands up to Square is a hero in my book. I'll give him a moment of silence..."
(1 second later)
Director: "Moment's over! Rena, give Claude these pills and we'll be on our way! (whistles cheerfully)"
Clarification
(Salva Drift)
Rena: "Wait a tick...Mr. Director, how'd you come back to life already?"
Director: "I quickly changed the system to Chrono Cross's where if you die in battle, you'll come back to life with 1 HP when the battle's over."
Rena: "What about those lawyers? Shouldn't they be after you now?"
Director: "Nah, I switched back to our system so fast, they'd never notice."
Rena: "...meh."
Aftermath
Warning: This chapter contains a Chrono Cross SPOILER, so be warned...again.
(Arlia, after Alen Incident)
Regis: "So...Squaresoft's lawyers utterly murdered Alen..."
Claude: "Yup. Makes going on living seem pointless..."
Regis: "This is most unfortunate. Now we don't have any good reason for sending you out to investigate the Sorcery Globe."
Claude: "?"
Claude: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Regis: "Well, we were hoping that the stone that Alen possessed was a piece of the Sorcery Globe, so then we can give you a lame request for you to investigate it. But, it turns out that it was a materia, which is useless on this planet."
Claude: "Oh."
(silence)
Director: "..."
Rena: "Still, I think we should go check it out. What could we possibly do here in this rundown village?"
Regis: "Hey!"
Rena: "Uh...heheheh..just kidding!"
Claude: "Check what out, Rena?"
Rena: "The Sorcery Globe, Claude..."
Claude: "...oh."
(silence)
Director: "(More dead film, just great...)"
Claude: "I guess I can go see what this Sorcery Globe is all about. I mean, it's not as if there are people who placed it here intentionally to speed up the process of the colliding of this planet into a strong energy body, right?"
Director: "Uh...yeah, that's right..." (sweats)
Regis: "Wonderful."
Rena: "Wait! I'm coming with you."
Claude: "Why? Your heal spell sucks compared to even a Blueberry."
Rena: "I know that. But all of a sudden, you don't seem to be such a bad person after all. I can't explain what I'm feeling, but I feel as if though I have to come with you. Like it's fate or something."
Claude: "But Serge and his friends destroyed FATE after they got into the room with the Frozen Flame..."
Rena: "Buh?"
whap!
Claude: "...YOW."
Director: "Psst! (The last thing we need is for Square's lawyers to find another excuse to kill us, so keep yer fat mouth shut!)"
Claude: "Ahahahaha! Never mind Rena! Oh, and when you come along, just do me one favor...never say 'Whatever'.
(Squall comes in through the chimney in a Santa Suit, says "Heeheehee" and "Ho ho ho", throws out random gifts to Claude and friends, including a limited edition Squall POG, takes $50 from Claude, then vanishes into thinly sliced air)
Claude: "Well there you go, now I'm broke." (sighs)
Rena: "What about that 3478 FOL you're carrying?"
Claude: "Worth squat to me...I can't even exchange it for any known currency."
Claude: "I mean, look at it! All it is is Monopoly money that has the word 'FOL' scribbled on it with a dry permanent marker."
Director: (shifty eyes) "..."
Regis: "My goodness, we have been fooled by an intergalactic con-artist!"
Rena: "Inter...galactick?"
Regis: "Man, what the $#!& have I been smoking?"
End Part I. So how was it? Any review would be appreciated.
