Portrait of a Fat Lady

Argus Filch was sad. His tamagotchi had died that morning as he hadn't had time to feed it before having his 5 a.m. sludge shower. He had loved that pet; it was so beautifully plastic, it ate its food in such adorable, digital beeps. The smell of its smooth, chemically-treated surface and the feel of the soft rubber buttons underneath his tired thumbs had kept him sane for the last five years. But alas, those days were now past him and a clear thought had placed itself in the front of his mind: he needed to buy a new one.

The fat lady was upset. Her tamagotchi had died. She had loved that pet. While she, herself hadn't actually been able to play with it or engage with it, a loyal first year - Mustafa Igloo - had been training it and feeding it for her. However, Mustafa had gone missing - last seen in the vicinity of the third floor salamander sanctuary - and word had reached her that her tamagotchi lay forgotten, and now deceased, on his bedside table. While she was slightly worried about Mustafa as he had been kind enough to sit with her all night that time when Truffle (her tamagotchi) had had a bad case of the measles, she was beside herself with the loss of her beloved digital pet. She needed to buy a new one.

It was after the annual Cheese and Pumpkin Juice bash 2011, when Filch, grumbling about having to clean stilton from the tiled floor of the fifth floor cheese and pumpkin juice room, heard a wailing.

"Waaaahhhh!" came the strange sound.

A furious prickle went up his spine like a ferret covered in itching powder. He had heard that cry only once before when he had sobbed furiously at the loss of Mildred, his tamagotchi. It appeared that another tamagotchi had been lost in the Hogwarts grounds.

While empathy was usually beyond him, he suddenly felt a twist in his stomach, not unlike the time when he had gotten his gall bladder caught on a fishing line. Without thinking, he ran towards the sound. As his feet skidded round the corner, he came to a sudden halt. He knew who was crying: the Fat Lady.

Cautiously, he approached the portrait.

"Erm excuse me?" he said tentatively.

"Waaahhh!" came her reply.

"Is your tamagotchi dead?" he asked, bluntly.

Then there was silence. Not knowing how to fill it, Filch decided to go down his usual route when dealing with awkward silences:

"When I was ten, I saw a cat eat ten lizards at once. The cat's name was Joy and I loved her. The lizards were called Bobcat One, Bobcat Two, Manly Daring, Ram's Horn, Veteris Vestigia Flammae, Tempest-"

Suddenly he was interrupted:

"I have always loved you Filch."

"What the hell?" He screamed, tears streaming from his cheese-like eyes.

The end of chapter 1.