VERY IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE, YOU MUST READ:

Ok people, this is a parody. Expect to see everyone OOC and acting strangely for humours sake. If you like Draco/Hermione-Luna-Pansy-Ginny and will be very offended if I bash certain plotlines that I've seen (not pairings), don't read further unless you have a sense of humour. Same thing with Severus/Hermione. Same thing if you've written about over-used concepts like Harry's Long Long Sister! or ZOMG So-and-so's Pregnant! There, if you wish to venture forth into the world of random unknowns, at least you are prepared. I merely compiled my fanfiction pet peeves into a parody to show how I see certain ideas authors in the past used. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY because I'm not looking to start a war, merely hoping it will correct many common, annoying errors in other peoples work so I can enjoy reading them more. Some pet peeves are more subtle than others. And keep in mind I have made fun of everyone, even my favourite characters for our entertainment. There is dirty humour here, thought I'd let the innocents know. Happy Reading! :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Harry Potter Puppet Pals... sigh...

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A Stupid, Messed Up Parody

It was a typical Saturday at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The sun was shining brightly; the sky was cloudless, clear and blue. Birds were chirping cheerfully and you could distinctly see Hagrid the gamekeeper stumping across the grounds from the school. Inside, Harry, Ron and Hermione made their way downstairs to the Great Hall for breakfast.

"Hey Gin," said Harry, as they ran into Ginny Weasley. Today, she was wearing a set of skin-tight black robes that outlined the contours of her body perfectly. Her demeanour seemed to have changed over-night from the sweet modest girl to the out-spoken, attitude-showing girl.

Ginny tossed her fiery red hair in annoyance. "Urgh! Stop calling me 'Gin'! I am not an alcoholic drink, for Merlin's sake! Isn't 'Ginny' short enough for you lazy ass? Who came up with this stupid nick-nickname anyway?! How you would feel if I called you 'Har' ALL THE TIME?!"

"Sorry," muttered Harry hastily. "So, what's up?"

"I've got a date with Draco Malfoy. We are so compatible seeing as we're both sooo emo," said Hermione smugly. She too was dressed rather oddly, in a pair of artfully torn black jeans and a blood red t-shirt. Her nails had been painted black and she seemed to have plugged her ears in with a pair of earphones, connected to the latest I-pod nano. Her hair was straight, sleek and streaked with red. There was no other word for it; she was hot.

Ginny looked outraged. "What do you mean by that?! I have a date with Draco! Tonight!"

"No you don't! He's taking me to the Weird Sisters concert. How could he have a date with you?"

"Well there he is," said Ginny, emphasizing each syllable. She pointed to the back of a white blonde head, dressed quite like Hermione. She grabbed Hermione's wrist and dragged her towards Malfoy. Harry blinked.

"Since when did they fraternize with my enemy? And how on Earth does Hermione have an I-pod? They're not going to be invented for another five years... besides, Hermione's the one who said that stuff doesn't work here," said Harry looking mildly interested, staring off after Ginny. "What do you think, Ron? …Ron?"

Ron looked around, realizing Harry was speaking to him.

"Eh? What?"

Meanwhile, Ginny and Hermione stormed up to Draco Malfoy, who was sitting with his cronies, Crabbe and Goyle. His current girlfriend, Pansy Parkinson sat beside him, stroking his white blond hair.

"Your blue eyes are so lovely," she crooned, watching him with huge, lovey-dovey eyes. "I can see your depth, wisdom and compassion reflected in them." Draco pulled away from her, scowling heavily.

"My eyes are GREY," said Draco irritably, "Do they LOOK blue to you?" he said, pushing his face close to hers and wearing a maniacal expression. She shuddered slightly and moved away so that they were at a comfortable distance.

"Draco Malfoy!" He turned around to see Ginny and Hermione marching up to him, both wearing formidable expressions. Pansy eyed them suspiciously.

"What are they doing here?" she demanded.

"I'm his girlfriend," said Ginny. The other two glared at her.

"No, I am!"

"No, I am!"

All three of them rounded on Draco, who looked extremely uncomfortable. He opened his mouth to speak, but was saved the necessity of answering when-

"Hey Draco! Where are you taking me tonight?" The three girls turned to see Luna Lovegood hurrying forward, wearing a dreamy expression on her face. She looked quite normal having left off her radish earrings and butterbeer cork necklace.

"Just how many people did you ask out?" asked Hermione incredulously, her mouth wide open with shock. Draco cleared his throat nervously. Just as he tried to speak again, a host of people appeared at the Slytherin table; Harry followed by Mary Sue, Ron, Dean, Seamus, Lavender, Parvati and Neville bringing up the rear.

"Hey Gin," said Harry, smiling broadly. Ginny glowered at him, temporarily distracting her from Draco Malfoy.

"What did I just say about calling me 'Gin'?! It's GINNY!"

"Hey," said Ron, looking from Ginny to Hermione to Pansy and Luna, "Are all of you in love with Draco Malfoy or something?" His words were slow, trollish.

"Yes," they said in unison, staring with hard expressions at each other. Ron looked puzzled.

"But you're in love with me aren't you 'Mione?," staring at Hermione. Hermione ran a finger through her no-longer-bushy brown hair, frowning.

"For Emo's sake don't call me that! It rhymes with "whiney", so uncool! Anyways, you're too slow for me Ronald," she said. "You're just not smart or emotionally capable of loving me the way Draco does, sorry. And Draco is sexier than you."

"Excuse me, but Draco and I go way back," said Luna, her dreamy air vanishing quickly. "We've been in love for approximately six seconds."

"But I love you!" said Neville, looking crushed.

"I do too," wailed Dean.

"And my best friend is in love with you but I love him," cried Seamus. "I'm lonely!"

"Does anyone WANT to hear me?" bellowed Draco. The large gathering fell silent, watching Draco intently. He took a deep breath and said "I love you Harry!"

Harry blinked and said "Did you get that off The Potter Puppet Pals?"

"Yeah," said Draco grinning. "I just wanted to say that because I didn't get a part on that show. Don't worry; I'm not really in love with you." He noticed the sceptical looks he was getting from him, and gave up the facade. "All right, all right; I'm bisexual. I've had a teeny crush on Harry while I was dating Pansy. Happy?"

"No," said Hermione sourly. "Why must all the good-looking guys be gay or married?"

"I'm bi," Draco started to protest but Mary Sue cut in.

"Wait a minute, The Potter Puppet Pals doesn't exist yet either," said Mary Sue. "And I know this because I am the most perfect know-it-all in the world!"

"Hey, I'm the top student at Hogwarts so of course I'm the best know-it-all in the world!" snapped Hermione. "Who are you anyway?"

"My name is Mary Sue. I am Head Girl, Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, have top marks in the grade and can see you're jealous that I am gorgeous when you're not," she said patronizingly. It was true she was beautiful with long, golden hair cascading down her shoulders and deep blue eyes, but nothing else seemed to fit.

"But I'm Quidditch Captain," protested Harry, continuing to speak in this mild tone. Mary Sue smiled.

"No actually, I am. Professor Dumbledore gave me these positions because he knows how perfect I am," said Mary Sue. "He's convinced that I am perfect. Everything about me is."

"You're inhuman, unrealistic and stupid. Please die," said Ginny. Mary Sue rolled her eyes.

"No, marry me since Hermione dumped me! You're much more beautifuller and smarter than her anyway!" said Ron eagerly. Hermione gasped, looking quite affronted.

"But Won-Won! You're supposed to be in love with me!" said Lavender, wrapping her arms around Ron's shoulders. He shrugged her off, looking annoyed.

"Look, when Mary Sue comes into the picture, every man must love her perfection! And so I will." He struck a heroic pose. "I will only love the best; I don't care about prior commitments! I won't be bound to and by ugly, stupid women when a flawless gem like Mary Sue exists! And none you should bind yourself until your Mary Sue finds you! All men must hail Mary Sue!" As he finished, his chest puffed out proudly and he looked impressively at the others.

Seamus wiped his eyes on the front of his robes. "What a revolutionary speech! So (he sniffed) so inspiring! I didn't know what a wonderful speechmaker you are!"

"That's very sweet of you Ron, but I only date cool guys, men who don't look or smell part troll," she said, smiling kindly at him. His enthusiastic grin disappeared instantly. "I love Harry Potter."

"Let's get it on!" said Harry, his tone eager for the first time, moving to stand beside Mary Sue. Ginny's eyes widened with shock.

"Harry! I only pretended to love Draco to get you! To make you jealous! I want to be with you! I've loved you since I was eleven! Don't be with her!" Harry frowned.

He opened his mouth to speak but before a single sound escaped his lips when he noticed a pretty girl with long, dark red hair and lovely hazel eyes... James' eyes. She was hurrying towards the group, smiling happily at him.

"Harry! It's great to see you!" said the girl. "My dear brother..."

"Brother?" enquired Harry, looking mildly askance. "But I'm an only child."

"No you're not! I'm your long-lost twin sister who had been separated from you at birth and raised by a kind wizarding family in America while you were left to suffer with the Dursleys! And now Professor Dumbledore decided the time was right for us to meet again! Isn't that wonderful?"

"Hang on a sec. Dumbledore let you go to a wizard's family in America while I was stuck with the Dursleys for fifteen years?"

"That's right!" she said beaming at him. "But now we're together again and I absolutely love you! I love you even though we barely know each other!"

"Um... yeah... I don't even know your name. I don't think I can love you yet seeing as you're a complete stranger to me."

"My name is Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily Potter!" Her eyes ran appraisingly over Harry's body. "You look so much like our father... and I look so much like our mother. But we've traded eyes," she laughed.

"So, so how's life been for you?" It was clear Harry was now bursting with questions. His mild behaviour was gone again.

"Oh, nothing much. Actually, I've had so many similar experiences to yours. Like defeating Voldemort and stuff. I even have a scar like yours. See, we're both Chosen Ones." She pushed aside her bangs aside to reveal a lightning bolt shaped scar, like Harry's.

"But that's impossible," said Hermione and Mary Sue. Both seemed determined to outsmart each other. "There can only be ONE Chosen One! It's what makes him unique!" They glared at each other. Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily rolled her eyes.

"Well, the laws have been bent to make the exception. Harry isn't the only person Voldemort is after. He's hunting for me too, especially since I have powers even Harry couldn't match. I'm so special that Sybil Trelawney didn't dare mention me in her prophecy."

"But it doesn't make any sense," snapped Hermione and Mary Sue, who were still speaking in unison and both looked rather irritated. "Why create an incomplete prophecy? And creating one isn't something this Seer did consciously! And why would Voldemort hunt you if you weren't in the prophecy?"

Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily was about to answer when Hermione suddenly clutched her stomach and gasped. Everyone turned to watch her with curious eyes. Hermione's brown eyes widened with shock and... guilt?

"I... I'm pregnant," said Hermione and paused, allowing the crowd to gasp for added effect. Her hands, which had been raised in front of her stomach protectively lowered. Sure enough, there was a distinct bulge. No one spoke.

After a few disbelieving moments passed, Ginny asked: "Who is the father?" Hermione hung her head, her cheeks turned cherry red.

In a quavering voice, she said "I don't... know." It was amazing how quickly the doubt turned into tension. Ginny blanched.

"What do you mean you don't know?! How many people could possibly be the father?!" Hermione's face now resembled a brown-haired Quaffle. Ginny hissed in frustration. Luna sighed, as if the answer was obvious.

"Who've you shagged recently?" she asked with a fraction of the dreamy quality it usually had. When Hermione didn't anger, Ginny hissed again.

"You're already in heaps of trouble; nothing could make it worse now so TELL US!"

"Ok, ok! Three nights ago with Ron, Harry the night before that (Ginny glowered at him) I was supposed to do Draco tomorrow (his other two lovers looked livid) and," she gulped, "Sirius Black three months ago, Remus Lupin two months ago, and Severus Snape, earlier this morning." The last three names, she whispered shamefacedly.

"You're sure Draco can't be one of them right?" confirmed Ginny. Hermione nodded. Ginny looked unconvinced and started on Draco, who looked terrified at Ginny's expression, no doubt remembering her excellent Bat-Bogey Hex.

"I swear! The last time I had sex was with Moaning Myrtle and that was last night! She'll vouch for me!" Pansy, Luna, Parvati, Lavender, Mary Sue and Hermione gasped, Ginny froze and others gawked at him. Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily said nothing. "Well... we tried to anyway..." he seemed quite disconcerted at having everyone staring at him like he had grown an extra head. Ron was shaking with quiet laughter.

"What's so funny?" snapped Hermione. Ron sniggered more audibly.

"So Draco, did you move a bed into the girls' bathroom or do it on the haunted lavatory?" He guffawed and this time, Harry, Dean and Seamus laughed with him. Draco scowled.

"That's not funny! Poor Myrtle's been teased far too much! She's sweet and sensitive like me! You could be nice and try not to ruin her death!" Ron was now hooting with laughter.

"You cheat on four girls and a ghost as well as flirt with a man and think you're sensitive?" snorted Parvati.

"Save this for another time! There are five possible fathers! What do I do?!" cried Hermione hysterically, tearing at her hair.

"We have to summon Madam Pomfrey, Professor Dumbledore and every possible father for a DNA test. Look Draco, I don't care whether you're doing it with ghosts only but she shouldn't take any chances," said Ginny. She abruptly walked away with Hermione while the rest of the group scrambled to their feet and followed suit.

As they left, Harry glanced up at the staff table. Professor Dumbledore and Snape were speaking to each other and judging by the serious expressions on their faces, Harry gathered that they were aware of what had just transpired. A rather childish, delightful and outrageously selfish though occurred to him: Snape would be sacked if he was the one who impregnated Hermione.

When they arrived at the Hospital Wing, Madam Pomfrey bustled over immediately.

"Oh dear," she said softly, looking at Hermione's bulging stomach. "You need a DNA spell don't you?" She didn't wait for Hermione to answer, muttering to herself slightly impatient. "Yes, you're not the first to need a test."

"I'm not?" Hermione said. A tiny fragment of relief seemed to sparkle in her eyes. Madam Pomfrey shook her head with the same impatience, as if it was obvious and Hermione should have known it already.

"Three days ago, Maron Sue came in, impregnated," she said. Mary Sue looked horrified. She paled rapidly, her eyes grew huge with disgust, taking away from her usually attractive face.

"My COUSIN is PREGNANT?!" shrieked Mary Sue. Hermione looked pleased that something finally stumped her. Harry resumed his mildly surprise expression again.

"You and Maron Sue are related? I'd never had guessed."

"Who's Maron Sue?" asked Ron. "D'you think she'd wanna come on a date with me?"

"NO, she would not. Maron Sue is my Japanese cousin. You can tell we're related- not because of appearance, we look very different from each other- but because we're both perfect in every way," she said in a hollow voice. "Or, so I thought." As she said this, a tall girl emerged from Madam Pomfrey's office. She was stunning with knee-length dark purple hair, ivory skin and deep amethyst eyes. Her black kimono flowed elegantly on her figure but also emphasized her swollen belly.

"Who knocked you up?" asked Mary Sue, deadly calm. Maron Sue sighed.

"You really don't want to know…" she began but then quailed at the look Mary Sue was giving her. "Ok, ok, it's Severus Snape. He couldn't resist looking at me… I can't blame him. I am a Sue after all so I have to be utterly tempting."

"Maron, you STUPID MORON! You risked EVERYTHING we Sue's have worked for! No man will look at you now since you've got knocked up by an undesirable snake!"

"Calm down, Mary-san," said Maron looking alarmed. "I'm getting an abortion."

"I don't care if you're getting an abortion! You have given the Sues a bad name!" Mary Sue collapsed into a chair in despair. "Our reputation…! It's shattered!"

"You've always had a bad name," said Lavender sulkily, looking wistfully at Ron who was busy running his eyes over Maron Sue's body with unmistakable lust on his freckled face.

Ginny nodded in agreement, her jealous eyes darting from Harry to Mary Sue and back again. "You're so stupid, pointless and horrible and need to kill yourself before I lose control and do it myself." She twirled her wand between her fingers casually but no one took her words lightly except the Sues.

Madam Pomfrey raised her own wand, pointed it at Hermione's womb and muttered "Deoxyribonucleic Acid-io." There was a flash blue light and she filled a small vial labeled 'Fetus' with flesh-coloured liquid. She performed the spell on Harry, Ron and Draco but not Snape, Remus or Sirius.

"I already have Remus' and Severus' DNA since both have taught here and it is a school policy to give up a sample just in case," she said producing two more vials. "If none of them are the fathers, it will be obvious the clear father is Black." He tapped each vial and muttered "Contrasius." Two vials glowed red. One belonged to the fetus. The other belonged to Snape. It was a match.

"Why on Earth did Snape agree to do you?" sneered Pansy. "You're a Gryffindor, a student, young enough to be his daughter and a Mudblood!"

"Don't call her a Mudblood!" snarled a voice. Professor Snape, accompanied by Dumbledore swooped into the room like an overgrown bat. His usually sallow skin had a rather unpleasant greenish tinge.

"We did it because I was lonely. You see, I used to be in love with a woman, Lily Evans, for many years - but she didn't love me back. I have been haunted by the echoes of my unrequited love - that is, until three days ago. Three days ago, I realized I didn't have to suffer anymore over a dead woman. I was a new man! I slept with Maron Sue after she got me all drunk, but it wasn't right. She wasn't someone I could love. Later on, I realized Hermione Granger was the best for me. Smart, pretty and talented, just like Lily." His gaze fell on Hermione with tender bliss. "Just like Lily…"

Ron made a gagging noise.

"You're not over my mum if you're trying to get the closest thing to her," Harriet Elizabeth Marie Lily pointed out.

Professor Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Since you have infringed us, and violated student rights, I have no choice but to- Severus, please get your wenis away from Ms. Granger," he interrupted himself.

"But Headmaster, my pants are zipped up!" objected Snape.

"Clearly you need to spend a night with a dictionary instead of a student," cut in Dumbledore, who seemed unimpressed. "I said 'wenis' not 'penis'."

Suddenly, a large barn owl glided into the room, carrying a plain white box. It fluttered before Ron, dropping the box and flew away. Ron picked it up, eyeing it curiously and picked it up.

"Hey look, there's a note," said Ron. It read:

Dear Harry Potter,

Inside this box is a pipe bomb. I stole this from a Muggle store especially so you could perform 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise' for me some day. Open the box.

-Voldy

"Hurrah!" cheered Ron looking delighted. "I've always wanted a pipe bomb!"

"First of all, that package is Harry's," said Hermione "And second, you don't even know what a bomb IS!"

"Yeah I do Hermione," retorted Ron "It's a big firecracker and it's gonna make pretty lights go off!" He reached to remove the lid of the box.

"NO!" everyone had cried but they were a second too late. Ron tore the lid off the box and soon the whole school was in ruins.

Far, far away, in an Albanian forest stood Voldy, his wicked face lit with triumph and happiness.

"Voldemort, Voldemort, ooooh, Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, VOLDEMORT! I HAVE DEFEATED HARRY POTTER BWAHAHAHAHAHA (his laughter broke and he gasped for air) HAHAHAHAHA!" He coughed and cleared his throat. "Ok, enough of that for now. Time for some tea and crumpets!" And he strode into the Albanian Forest, whistling merrily to himself.

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Ok, I know my A/n was a bit blunt, but I needed to make my intentions clear. Here's my proper message to you wonderful readers. I've been working to perfect this parody for a long time, a REALLY long time and am feeling supremely happy to have finally posted it. For those of you who don't know, "wenis" is the skin around your elbows. HUGE, ENORMOUS thanks to FanimeScribbler and Zubi, who have been EXTREMELY supportive and helpful- I'd never have finished without them! And as always, a thanks to the reviewers who's comments really make my day. Read and review people, read and review.

Thanks again,

-the Chocofreakazoid

PS If there's enough interest, I might consider writing a second chapter.