Hiccup gives Astrid a few pages out of his personal journal from the time before he met Toothless. He wants to show her something, but when she starts reading all she finds is his suffering and thoughts of killing himself. However there is a sudden change and the idea of ending his torture through suicide soon gets replaced with ending it through murder.

IMPORTANT FOREWORD

There are stories of Hiccup having suicidal thoughts on this site, because of the bullying he had to endure, but I didn't find one that took the route this one is about to take: Going from suicide to murder. In the end there will neither the one nor the other, because this story is supposed to be able to fit together with the events of HTTYD 1. Well, not completely, because Hiccups' admiration of his peers in the movie doesn't fit with this story.

I was strongly criticized for the way Hiccup and Astrid act in this story, because one of Hiccup's more prominent personality traits is his peaceful nature. How do you make someone like him act in an aggressive manner without creating a completely new character? This question is the challenge that this story had to solve and I think it did. I wrote some kind of making of in chapter 8, because I wanted to give further insight in to why I wrote things the way I did. If you're interested, check it out.

English isn't my native language, which made it pretty difficult for me to write this story. My vocabulary isn't very extensive and therefore my style of writing probably isn't as detailed and doesn't have the variety in wording like the style of a native writer. Furthermore I'm pretty sure I used way too little commas, some of the tenses might be wrong and there will be other things I'm unable to recognize.

Therefore I would like the help of an editor and as long as you can read this paragraph I'm still searching for it. No matter how old this post already is when you read it, I still would gladly accept your help, if you're interested.

I actually don't like to describe violence against a defenseless opponent, therefore I try to make Hiccup's beating up as non-graphic as possible. The worst you'll encounter is a broken rib in chapter 5. Therefore I'll rate this story T. If you think this is to low, please tell me.

The story is tagged as romance for traces of Hiccstrid, but it will be mostly a drama.

At the beginning of each chapter is a short summary. If you don't want to be spoiled, just skip it.

SUMMARY OF THIS CHAPTER:

Hiccup calls Astrid to the forge, where she finds a few pages of his personal journal. She reads the first entry and understand how bad the time before Toothless really was for him.


1. Entry - Journal

It was the middle of the night as Astrid quietly made her way to the forge. Originally she had planned to be already asleep at home, but just as she had wanted to lay down on her bed she had found a note on the furs:

"Come to the forge. I have something really important to show you. - Hiccup"

Because of the urgent tone of the message, she had immediately put her armor back on and sneaked out of the house, so her parents wouldn't question where she intended to go at such a late hour. While she walked as fast as possible to the dark smithy she let her mind wander. She had no clue what Hiccup intended to show her, but she hoped it would explain his strange behavior of the last days. Since he killed the Red Death Astrid never felt such a distance between her and Hiccup as during the last week. He had avoided her and all the other teens and nobody of them knew why, but they all wanted it to stop.

The days just wasn't the same without Hiccup especially for Astrid. In the months after the battle at Helheim's Gate a budding relationship developed between them and Astrid would call him her best friend without a second thought. Maybe he was even more. She had kissed him twice and even though they weren't an official couple there was something between them that was much more than a usual friendship. Of course she wouldn't admit this out loud, but that didn't mean she was oblivious to what was obvious: She had feelings for him and they seemed to grew with each day.

That made the past few days even harder. She had wanted to talk to him, but Hiccup was surprisingly good at vanishing and now that she finally seemed to have the chance to pin him down and get a few answers, Astrid didn't hesitate. When she reached the smithy, everything seemed normal. Gobber was long gone and the forge was cold. The shop was closed, like it should be at this time of the night, but a closer look at the door of Hiccup's private chamber showed, that there was light inside the supposedly dark room.

Unfortunately there was no Hiccup when Astrid entered. It took her a moment to realize that the room was unusual tidy. Normally there were papers scattered all over the place, but now the only ones were a small stack on his work desk. On top there was a single note:

"These are sides from my personal journal. They go back to the time before I met Toothless. Maybe it is cowardly to do it this way, but I need to tell you something and I fear that I wouldn't find the right words, if I tried this face to face with you. Please read them all. - Hiccup"

Astrid usually wasn't one for these kind of games, but when she read the word 'journal' she became curious. She looked at the pile of papers, which seemed indeed like they were ripped out of a book. This was the second she realized that she held some of Hiccups most personal thoughts in her hands. Whatever it was, he needed to tell her, she felt it would change something between them. With a slight feeling of nervousness she began reading the first entry.

Nine times. Snotlout and the twins already beat me up nine times this month and it's only halfway over. But this isn't new, isn't it? The last three months were the same. I don't even know why I'm still writing about this, after all it seems to be a constant part of my life now. Maybe this is the reason, why I'm still unable to fill this book with something else. How long can you endure something, before it gets unbearable? Most of the time I have problems sleeping because of all the pain and if I do, I have nightmares. Horrible nightmares in which I endure every beating anew. I can't remember the last night I slept through. My bruises don't heal anymore – it is just to little time before the next beating – and by now I even have panic attacks.

I wished there would be someone to help me, but there isn't. I tried to speak with my dad about this. Several times. At first he only told me to man up and defend myself. What a great advice! How does he even imagine this? Even if I was as buff as Snotlout, I would never win against him AND the twins. Three against one? Not a chance. Therefore I didn't let it go. I showed dad my wounds every time I got new ones and hoped that he would realize how serious this situation was, but no. His eyes just got this disappointed look they always have when I failed as his son again. No, from my father there is no help to expect.

I wished this would've been surprising, but it wasn't. After all I'm just his big disappointment. The scourge of his life. He's ashamed of me and he makes me feel it all the time. Does my father love me? There was a time I thought he would, however now I don't know anymore. Can it be love, when he hurts me almost every day – not with fists but with words and contempt? Can it be love, when he looks away while I'm getting hurt? Can it be love, when he allows you to live in a world, where everyone wants you to just disappear?

I wished I wouldn't be hated by everyone. Even without Snotlout and the twins I get ridiculed all day. Yes, my attempts to help during dragon attacks or make the village life easier usually fail and make them hate me even more, but every time Gobber tells me to keep a low profile he forgets that I was already hated before I tried to appease the village. I'm a chief's son and a Hiccup. That's all it needs to be despised.

My life is shit. It always was, but I managed. For 14 years I did. But now? With Snotlout and the twins torturing me every second day? I don't think I can stand it anymore. It has to end – one way or another.

Astrid insides cramped together. All of this wasn't entirely new. She knew about the problems Hiccup had with his father in the past or that the village hadn't been his biggest fan and yes, she even knew about the occasional beating he received from his cousin after one of his failed attempts to kill a dragon, however she had no idea which extend all of this had had. Torture? The word felt like a hit in her stomach. But was he wrong? Wounds that couldn't heal, sleep deprivation through nightmares of pain, terror induced panic attacks. No, he had every right to call it like that.

And everyone had been blind to this? Even Hiccup's own father? She wondered, if being blind was the right expression for what Stoick had done. In his case it seems more like intentional ignorance. How could a father do something like this to his own son? Stoick had always been a proud and successful warrior, who she could look up to, but in this very moment she felt just disdain for him.

However, there was one thought, which plagued her mind the most: Where had she been during Hiccups suffering? Astrid hadn't liked him at that time, but she certainly would've done something, if she would've known about his situation, right? Or had she known? She remembered how often he had flinched, when she came to the forge, like every movement would've hurt him. Astrid recalled a few situations where she had caught a glimpse of his torso, while he had worked, and it had been blue – full of bruises. Oh gods, had she taken part in this? Had she been intentional ignorant like Stoick? Had she helped to torture Hiccup?

No! She hadn't known! She would have done something! She would have! "Why does he show me this?" She asked into the silence of the room. Did he blame her for this? She shook her head. "Hiccup wouldn't do something like this." She said to herself. 'Just continue reading and you will find out.' A voice in her mind told her. Cautiously Astrid took the second page.